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You're not in PLAN B, Hope, if you keep getting and finding information about your WH.

Seems like to me that you are putting a lot on the shoulders of your son.

Just don't talk to him about your WH..PERIOD...

With even my 20 something boys, I tell them that there are many things that I do that they can't possibly understand until they get older and I'm not going to explain...alot, if not most, of my handling of the affair mess fit into that category.

Basically, my grownup stuff is NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS. They just had to "GO WITH THE FLOW".


I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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I'm not putting a lot on DS18 's shoulders..WH is...
DS18 says"if I'm not going to help WH than I must tell him so that he can start looking for a job.He is concerned for WH and he thinks I'm been silly by not talking to him."I can understand DS18 's logic in this...so I think it should be ok now that we agreed not to talk about WH.My concern is that WH will continue to speak to kids about his new venture.


BS;ME43,WH45
DS19,DS16
DDay:6Dec06
WH left12Dec06
DIV:3Dec08
WH marries OW 21days later!







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My wanting to know info about WH is me trying to be one step ahead of him.I now realise I was allowing myself to be drawn back into the chaos of WH's life.I have just put on the brakes!!!


BS;ME43,WH45
DS19,DS16
DDay:6Dec06
WH left12Dec06
DIV:3Dec08
WH marries OW 21days later!







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You don't think your son is being DISRESPECTFUL of you in thinking of YOU, his Mom, as being "SILLY"? How can an 18 year old have MORE SENSE than you about anything? That's what I mean about the weight on his shoulders.

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My concern is that WH will continue to speak to kids about his new venture.

You cannot CONTROL your WH..only yourself...


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Now keep the brakes on.

Have you been in touch with your attorney? I would do that.

Is your husband usually so irresponsible with business things? I don't know the laws where you live, but here, a person may lose the deposit if the deal doesn't go through.

He has no job, and the divorce and forced sale of your home is MONTHS away. What can he be thinking?


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now realise I was allowing myself to be drawn back into the chaos of WH's life.I have just put on the brakes!!!
_________________________

GREAT!!


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Ok I understand what you mean..
DS18 is not saying it in a disrespectful way...his actually very protective of me...I think because he has seen me in the past when I nearly had a nervous breakdown and because he kept telling me "dads not coming back please accept it and get better"....he worries about me getting hurt.
He has accepted that WH isn't coming back cos he has seen the 2 of them together on alternate weekends and thinks they are happy.

He says I shouldn't let WH come back if he wanted to.DS18 has definitely taken on the role of looking after us.I don't have to remind him to do the pool or mow the lawn etc he just gets on with it..and I think he actually enjoys it...he keeps his brother in check too,not in a bullying way though.


BS;ME43,WH45
DS19,DS16
DDay:6Dec06
WH left12Dec06
DIV:3Dec08
WH marries OW 21days later!







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Believer your thoughts are my thoughts exactly!!!He will lose the deposit...shows how crazy he is...or his convinced I'll give him the loan...the kids won't tell him how I feel so he won't know.The old me would have given him the loan.

I don't mean to sound stupid here but what exactly do I tell my lawyer...I don't want the divorce to move forward so what can she do for me?


BS;ME43,WH45
DS19,DS16
DDay:6Dec06
WH left12Dec06
DIV:3Dec08
WH marries OW 21days later!







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You need to start realizing that YOU hold all of the cards. OW has lost her job, and hubby has lost his. He put down a deposit on their new venture, and needs to plunder the family assets to make it work. So he is NOT making good financial decisions.

Tell your lawyer the latest and let her protect you. I would be worried about him somehow getting a loan that you would be responsible for as his wife.

Time is your friend. The affairees have too many problems. Sure they are lovey-dovey right now, but that means nothing. My ex and his OW were happy as two peas in a pod until they ran out of money. Then the [censored] hit the fan.

I think you said that the divorce would take 3 months and it might take another 3 months for the forced sale of the home. Check with your attorney. In my view, the longer you can hold out, the better the chances of the affair dissolving. Affairs can't face reality.

You can hedge your bets by knowing he is desperate and may offer you a good settlement. You can decide on that if it happens.

Things I am worried about is that you will cave and give him the money, he may get angry and stop paying the mortgage and try to starve you into submission.

So talk to your attorney and see how you can mitigate any problems.

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I said I am following advice given to me by you guys

Is there any chance your 18yo would tell WH about MB? I'd hate to see you lose your place of support if he decided to "read up" on what you're doing.


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
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“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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Princess,my DS18 won't tell WH about MB...also WH doesn't have internet access.

Believer there is no way I'll let WH get a loan against the house thats for sure...I'd sooner sell my house.If WH stops paying the bond its to his detriment as he owns half.
I will check up about any loans that WH makes now if I'm liable as his wife.My sis who works in the bank said cos he hasn't any assets the banks won't give him a loan...especially not now with the economy being so bad...

He could cash in his pension fund that I can claim half of if we divorce...also the company he worked for will pay him out his provident fund so he could use that money..he has no other savings as such and he will need a large sum to buy stock,etc..
I will phone my lawyer and get advice...


BS;ME43,WH45
DS19,DS16
DDay:6Dec06
WH left12Dec06
DIV:3Dec08
WH marries OW 21days later!







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Yes, check with your attorney. I'm probably paranoid after what my ex pulled. He stopped giving me any money on D-day. Then he withdrew our savings. Next he took out all of his pension funds and spent that wining and dining the OW. After that he retired and got a $25,000. bonus. That was gone in 6 months.

When he started running low on money again, he tried to sell the house. I was living here! When I stopped that, he applied for a equity loan. My attorney stopped that too.

Then he came back and wanted half of what was left. It was a nightmare.

I was lucky that we settled out of court because according to our state law, he COULD have gotten half my pension, and half of the assets that were left. Since we were married when he made all of his unilateral financial decisions the court could have split what was left equally.

So protect your familiy's assets.

Also remember that when the money runs out, the affair is likely to end. I never got all of the details, but the OW moved back home with her hubby when my ex and she were low on funds. Her hubby told me that she was doing it to save on gas. Go figure. About 2 months later, the affair ended.

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Well, yesterday WH phoned me twice on my cellphone at work and of course I didn't answer...he then phoned the lab and they called me to the phone...
WH:(sickly sweet and desperate sounding)Hi I know you are busy but I need to speak to you. How're you?
ME:fine
WH:As you know,I'm no longer working for ***
ME:(CALMLY)Are you looking for a job?
WH:(Trying not to raise his voice)yes,but theres nothing out there that pays nearly close to what I was earning!I need just a half an hour of your time to sit down with you...if I don't have money I can't pay the morgage.(his car payments are double the morgage but his still driving around in it!)
ME:Let me think about it and I will get back to you..goodbye.
AND I PUT THE PHONE DOWN!!
He must have been fuming!!I could hear the panic in his voice even though he was trying very hard to stay calm.

I think I will let him stew for a few days and text him saying that my lawyer has advised me not to discuss anything with him...
When he spoke to me it was as if we where still together and his problems are now my problems...when I had told him in the past that I didn't have money or that I didn't want to work full day,he said "its not my problem"I am so going to use that line on him!!

Last night I went to a friends house for a fondue.....just 5 girls...it was great fun...we had lots of laughs
This saturday I have been invited to 2 parties!!!Also on the 27th I have 2 options for socialising!!BTW,all the invites are from FEMALE friends!!LOL
I can't help thinking I'm having fun and WH is stressing..rightly so..
You know as much as I know that WH's bad choices will influence my life and the boys,I am not going to worry about things that haven't happened yet...
DS15 is still with his dad and he hasn't contacted me..I have text him but no reply...will try again later....
DS18 and I make jokes about the lack of food in the house and are upbeat...my life is in MY hands...



BS;ME43,WH45
DS19,DS16
DDay:6Dec06
WH left12Dec06
DIV:3Dec08
WH marries OW 21days later!







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Believer do you think I should contact someone at his old job to find out why he was fired?

My friend says WH must be thinking "what the @@#$ have I done with my life?I don't think he is quite honestly...


BS;ME43,WH45
DS19,DS16
DDay:6Dec06
WH left12Dec06
DIV:3Dec08
WH marries OW 21days later!







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I wouldn't worry about why he was fired. I'm sure the affair was a contributing factor. Having an affair at work is using poor judgement. The affairees always think they are so clever and no one knows, but usually EVERYONE knows and they are the subject of office gossip.

Try not to have contact with hubby. And don't gloat. You can text him that you are following your lawyer's advice. You can even be very sympathetic, but tell him it is out of your hands.

He KNOWS deep down that the affair is causing him all of these problems. Don't be tempted to tell him that.

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Hope:

You are not understanding the importance of NOT breaking PLAN B.

Next time that he gets through to you do not carry on with a conversation with him.

HANG UP!!

Do not even text him!!

The key is for him TO SUFFER and for you NOT to relieve his suffering one bit.

And it's important for him NOT to be able to continue to USE you as a justification for continuing his affair.

He's searching for some BAD THING about YOU to put the BLAME on..again, in order to RELIEVE his SUFFERING.


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Believer I won't gloat...I just really would like to say that to him!!....I know it won't help my cause....
Mimi when he phoned I didn't know it was WH on the line....I tried to say the bare minimum....it was awkward cos a work collegue was sitting right near me....
I do get it that he must suffer as I've read that before in your posts to others....
I am worried that when he realises that I won't help finance his venture he will have some "bad thing about me" and will blame me for hindering his new venture..he will definitely say that to the kids...I fear that it will turn him away for good as this is NB to him"
WH told DS18 on the phone last night that he had made contact with me and I was thinking about it...I hate that he is including the kids in this so much,shows how desperate he is..and as nothing is ever his fault...he will blame me for his failures to the kids..I just know it...
Mimi you say I mustn't even text him..how do I let him know I don't want to talk to him...shall I use my intermediary..
I really don't think he uses me for justification for his affair,maybe in the beginning,surely by now his past having to justify things to himself?
Come to think of it, up untill I started my dark plan B WH DID blame me for every little thing whenever we spoke!!


BS;ME43,WH45
DS19,DS16
DDay:6Dec06
WH left12Dec06
DIV:3Dec08
WH marries OW 21days later!







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Stay strong and no contact. And next time, don't tell him you will think about it - tell him your attorney is handling things. You have talked to her, right?

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I don't want to be HARD on YOU..I want to HELP you to RECOVER your marriage.

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Mimi when he phoned I didn't know it was WH on the line....I tried to say the bare minimum....it was awkward cos a work collegue was sitting right near me....

Don't TRY. Don't SAY A WORD..HANG UP..Been there done that..HE WILL FIND SOME RELIEF FROM HIS PAIN BY TALKING TO YOU!! Don't worry about your COLLEAGUE!! Don't worry about it being AWKWARD..HANG UP..You've got to do this NO MATTER WHAT..Get committed to this, Hope.

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I am worried that when he realises that I won't help finance his venture he will have some "bad thing about me" and will blame me for hindering his new venture..he will definitely say that to the kids...I fear that it will turn him away for good as this is NB to him"

If you try to HELP him in anyway, the chances of your MARITAL RECOVERY grow SLIMMER because you have helped to relieve his suffering...THE WAYWARD MUST REACH THE BOTTOM OF THE BARREL..

The more I HELPED MY HUSBAND..the more it ENABLED HIS AFFAIR and drew him closer TO HER..and not TO ME...DO YOU GET THIS?????

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Mimi you say I mustn't even text him..how do I let him know I don't want to talk to him...shall I use my intermediary..

YES..or refer back to the PLAN B LETTER..there's no half-way about PLAN B..PLAN B DARK..OR NOT...

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really don't think he uses me for justification for his affair,maybe in the beginning,surely by now his past having to justify things to himself?

Come on, Hope...He is an ADDICT..You don't buy this EITHER? An ADDICT justifies his use..He is self-destructing because of HIS ADDICTION...

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Come to think of it, up untill I started my dark plan B WH DID blame me for every little thing whenever we spoke!!

Well, there you go..he wants this option again so that he does not have to take a look at himself...


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Ok Mimi..I got you!I feel like I'm walking a narrow path here and I can't stuff up now!
Believer,I have been putting off talking to my lawyer...I just don't quite know if I want to involve her yet...its as if once I involve her theres no looking back and this will get ugly...

Mimi I will think about sending a shortened PBL just stating conditions to come home etc..(any ideas)..and that I will have no contact otherwise..to work through intermediary or lawyer...leave it up to him to make the next move?I'm feeling like such a coward!!

WH doesn't handle stress well and I know me not talking to him is going to cause him to blow a fuse..I know,not my problem..
I have to remind myself that he's not my husband and he doesn't care for me or my future right now only his and OP's!!


BS;ME43,WH45
DS19,DS16
DDay:6Dec06
WH left12Dec06
DIV:3Dec08
WH marries OW 21days later!







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