I haven't had time to be on this site in a long time. My WH left me and our three children 2 years ago. He left for OW who was high school girlfriend and he sought out repeatedly during our 13 yr. M. Then 2 1/2 years ago it became a physical affair, supposedly for the first time. Got the I need you, I need her crap and eventually he made his decision that we would have gotten to this point anyway, she was secondary to all of that. He has been living with her since he left. Divorce became final 2 months ago and the next week she/they bought a house, it's in her name. I'm anticipating marriage for them at some point, if she'll have him. Her history is one of a major man eater, even her family says as much.

My dilema is this. I still have the same feelings for him that I did 2 years ago. My mind says he's not going to come back and if he did how would I ever trust him or want to be second choice again. But my heart is so broken that I feel like I can't make it moment to moment most days. I'm trying to tell myself I need to move on, especially for my kids, but I miss him, us, being a family, his friendship, what I thought was our love. I try to go dark with him but it's difficult where the kids are concerned. They are only 10,8, and 3. It's sooo difficult to watch and think of the things he's doing with her that he should be doing with me. Family things on his side, she's in my place. They generally say that I'm family, not her. My xFIL even says I'm one of his daughters and not her. but like I keep telling his sister, she's going to be taking that place. they won't choose me over the XH and new whatever she is.

Don't know where to go from here. Tried shrink, but didn't see how being on antidepressants depressed was any different than being off them. I try to imagine a future on my own or maybe with someone else, but think I'd be no better than him our whole M, wanting to be with someone else.

Any help or suggestions?

You obviously loved him and the life you had together. You can't just turn that off like a switch. It takes time. I loved my WW 2 years after she left and my heart was still broken. But over time, she just becomes a memory - someone I knew a long time ago but not anymore. She is someone I just don't care to know.


That say's volumes about you! My XMIL still calls me her son-in-law and I get a hug everytime I see her!


Start learning to be single. Tell yourself and convince yourself that you may be single, and not in a relationship, for the rest of your life. Once you feel completely independent, and content on your own, you will feel much better.

Have you ever attended a divorcecare group. Did wonders for me!

I may be wrong, but I think the real issue is your feelings for yourself, not for him. What have you done to elevate yourself in your mind, to make you number one? I recommend therapy, and antidepressants if you're so depressed you're not functioning well for your kids, but the therapy is the key. I have found that psychologists are great for fixing yourself, and psychiatrists really only care about the medicine. So look for a good psychologist.

I would also recommend doing some soul searching. Spend some time thinking about your life as a whole. Where you see yourself going, what your life is supposed to be about, what you're here to contribute on this earth. Obviously your kids, but what else? If you find your focus in life, I think he will start to fade away into the background.

Sure, he could have been part of that plan, but, honestly, why? Why would a jerk who never really invested in you - and cheated on you - be worth more than you and your happiness? That is self-abuse; learn to like yourself better - and demand better from your men.

Relegate him to the past, where he belongs, and learn to consider him just the man who gave you your amazing kids. Thank him for that, and move on with your life.

Thanks to both for popping into my world with some advise. It's amazing how just touching base in here can make a difference. I'm trying to put more thought into not thinking, if that makes sense. Having my kids back with me makes a world of difference.

I know things take time but sometimes all the platitudes are just words. I'm going to try to make a better effort to make him nonexistent in my life except where the kids are concerned and then only when it's necessary. I know things need to move forward and I'm hoping they will.

Been thinking about seeing someone again, a professional mental type that is, and looking into divorcecare courses/groups. Have read a couple of the books and really enjoyed the approach and topics.

Thanks again Catperson and BHINWI. The best part of this site is insight and reminders, 2x4 when needed, from people that are objective.
Thanks!!!