I'm in my 7th year of marriage. During our time together I've been contacted by a woman telling me that she was sleeping with my h. When I confronted him, it was all about a cell phone that she had gotten for him...nothing more (according to him.) That was in our 3rd year...yet she still calls and they still talk. When I ask him about it, he says that she's never done anything to him and they are friends and he will continue to talk to her. Oh and according to him its alright because they don't talk often. He's admitted (after being caught) to having an affair in Jan '07. Recently, I've found emails from him to a woman in another country that described their dreams of the next time they saw each other...very sexual might I add. When I confronted him with this he says that it was only words - he had no intention of carrying this act out the next time he visited her country which will be in a few months. I forgot to add that he travels ALOT for work and is constantly meeting people. When I find out about these women (yes there have been more to pop up in one way or the other) - if I have the chance to speak to them I discover that he's told the same story. That he's in the process of divorce or he's already divorced...and I'm not a good mother to our daughter.
YET...I'm still here. I pray that pray that God would change his heart. But something ugly is growing inside of me and I can feel it. The rage is building and I keep finding myself shouting and screaming at him in front of the kids. My 5 year old always tells me that I'm mean to her daddy and that I should try harder to love him because he loves me. I hate to do this in front of my kids; but I can't seem to control it anymore. Everytime I plan in my head that I'm not going to explode...it happens anyway. I don't work and he's the provider. This is one of the reasons that I know I stay - but I know thats foolish. The other is I keep asking God to give me strength; but I don't know if God really wants me to still be here or not. I'm just confused and need wisdom and sound advice and most of all PRAYER!

Well, I can see why you're exploding....how can I help you to get your own income and enable yourself to be independent of him?

Please remember that you cannot change another person. Only you....


Well, let me ask you a serious question....why would God want you to live in this nightmarish stress? Jesus said that He came so that we might "....have life....and more abundantly...." ?

Now, the second question.... do you think that you will lose God if you leave? Or, if you throw him out?

DawnH,

Let's see you are yelling at him because you are angry. Right? Who are you angry at? Him, nope he is doing what he has always done and you know it. You are angry at yourself right??

So you yell at him in front of the kids, to quote Dr. Phil "How's that working for you?" Not well. Your kids are being hurt, your H doesn't care, and you??? You just get angrier.

I think it is time to face a few things here. You don't like your situation right? You are afraid to leave right? You don't like your own acceptance of this situation right? And you surely don't like having your face rubbed in these affairs which he is continually having right?

OK, then do something. I could make a few assumptions about your H but I won't. I say start out here and read all of the info, and try plan A, learn about marriages and try to make yours better. The reason I suggest this is because people do change as we change. However, it also means that you have tried all you know. I would also seek some counseling to address your anger. It is hurting you and the kids, you H??? Probably not, it helps him justify his behavior, eases his conscience about cheating on you, when you get angry. However, he really doesn't care, that much is evident.

You have caught him many times, he gives you the same song and dance, you ostensibly buy it (you don't leave, file for divorce or anything), and frankly he doesn't care if you are angry because he is leaving again on another trip to a woman that (understands him YUCH!).

Work on the marriage, give it all you have, AND prepare yourself to make some hard decisions if things don't change. This is YOUR LIFE, it is YOUR CALL.

Read here, learn as much as you can, seek counseling, and prepare.

That is my advice based on the little you have said.

God Bless,

JL

Well, I can see why you're exploding....how can I help you to get your own income and enable yourself to be independent of him?

Please remember that you cannot change another person. Only you....

I'm working hard now to try and find a job...I've been in this cycle of depending on him for such a long time that I think I'm lost. I try to get back to before I met him and when we first married; I was working and making more money than he did - but as time went on I focused so much on him and family that I've lost the desire to make my life successful and I've just let time go by. Its all weighing too heavy - I'm trying to figure out how to get my life on track and deal with my family situation at the same time and it overwhelms to a place of numbness where I do nothing because I don't know where to start.


Well, let me ask you a serious question....why would God want you to live in this nightmarish stress? Jesus said that He came so that we might "....have life....and more abundantly...." ?

Now, the second question.... do you think that you will lose God if you leave? Or, if you throw him out?
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I don't think I'll lose God; I've just always had this desire not to fail God. When He trusts me with something I don't like to just give up. As it is with my marriage I have this belief that God is going to do something miraculous and I want to be here when He does. I want to be a witness of Gods greatness and restoration. I really want to see my H better and become better myself...together. I know it may sound crazy...but I'm expecting something better from my h because he's a christian and I want to see who God created him to be. I don't know. I just don't know

Thank you so much for the advice. I will continue to read through all the information on this site and start with Plan A. I really want to know that I did everything I could before throwing in the towel.

I cried when I read your post; because I didn't realize that I'm angry at myself - but you are absolutely right. And the more I prayed today about the anger and the more honest I was with God about me the more he helped me to stay peaceful...even when my h was hiding his cell phone screen so the callers name couldn't be seen.

Thanks again and be blessed.

Dawn,

Good, lose the anger. Fight for your marriage with the tools here, prepare yourself to have options, and love those kids. And you know what that means? No you don't. If you don't love yourself, how can you love those kids? Set aside the anger, and start to make plans.

This site is big on plans. I would also suggest to you that you consider calling the Harley's. They are very good at this. Why? Well, it isn't so much counceling as it is coaching. Their focus is on marriages and they tend to "coach" people on how to try and make their marriages better.

God Bless,

JL

PS: Came back to offer you some other thoughts. This is NOT a marriage at all costs site. Harley felt that many marriages could be saved if people just applied their efforts more effectively. Hence my recommendation for you to consider plan A. BUT, there is something else to consider. You need to learn about how to handle and make good relationships: either with the marriage you are in or your next one. You need to know you gave it your best, before you walk away if it comes to that. You need to know many things you don't just yet, but you will learn here.

Finally, read about plan a, read about plan B, and also definitely read about the 4 rules for a good marriage, as well as, needs, Love busters, etc. Once you have this stuff in your tool chest this whole situation will look different to you. You may decide to divorce, you may actually save this marriage, but no matter what you will know you did your best. That will be important for you and your children in the future.