rain, when I came here 9 months ago, I hated my husband. I wished he would just do me a favor and die, because I was too weak to leave him. I had plans to leave him next year after D17 left for college. But I came here to learn, because I told myself it wasn't fair for me to just walk out without notice and without at least trying to see what I was doing wrong.

I learned that I was most likely making Love Busters against him, which caused him to withdraw from me. I learned that I never knew about meeting his Emotional Needs, and then realized what I should have been doing all along for him. I started doing it all, even though I still hated him every single day.

About a month into the changes that I made, I started noticing things about him, nice things, things I had forgotten about, things I used to like 30 years ago, things that showed me he really was a decent man, not a monster.

I grew compassion for him. I remembered why I married him. And I wanted to keep working on it.

Even if you plan to leave anyway, you owe it to the man you said you would marry, and to the son who will have to bear the brunt of your choices on his little shoulders (for the rest of his life), to try to keep the marriage. For at least 3 months.

As someone has said, what is 3 months? If this other man really loves you, he will wait for you. If he doesn't really love you and just wanted to get into your pants, you'll have that answer, too, and will have saved yourself a lot of heartache by discovering it before you ruin your family's lives.

What is wrong with doing that? How can you find a loophole in giving your family 3 months?

What is 3 months?

I see.

You completely missed my point. edited 2 clarify: You are "pretending" that he DOES exist.

-ol' 2long

OK,

Too much for me,

I tried to no avail.

all blessings,
Jerry

Yes, THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU. I understand what you are saying. It is hard and the fact is that I have been doing that for a long time and it has gotten us no where.

YES, he does deserve better. He is a remarkable man.

As I have stated before...when it happens it is GREAT!!!!!!!!! Serioiusly, the sex is wonderful but it is not enough.

When I look back on what I have done in the way that you say, it makes me ashamed and makes me want to leave EVEN MORE. Yes, it is running away and I know it. Other parts of me doubt how someone taking what he has from me, why the he77 would he want to stick around?

mark1952

As to not crush your self esteem your post was the last post at the time I posted.

Rain is in full blown justification mode. Fogged up WW's as Rain do not even want to hear anything from a BH here.

Rain would be better sevred if the other WW's here led her through the MB way. I know at times I am abrupt here. Some posters as Medc seem to me to be abrupt all the time, But he has been here a long time. I have been lurking here since at least 2004.

Introvert is an example of one that has gone thorugh a lot but has not been here long enough to have the experience to know when to temper himself.

Even if Rains BH was not a member here or even lurking, how is MB going to help him if his WW is pushed away?

We are not profeesional writers, those like Melodylane though appear to be. She can hit hard but without being brutal.

MB posters must recognize that people as Rain are not going to be defogged with one post.

Rain needs be chipped at. How about the first chip that she will not be able to clear her head and make lucid decisions until she goes NC with the OM?

The fact is he wants to stick around. Why not start with that and not worry about the why just yet?

S&C

But if you did leave, where would you go? What would you do? How would you support yourself? These may not seem like ENs, but even they are. I'm glad you recognize it for what it is, running.


A good point 2 consider. You and your H have both said that he's tired or spent, and that's now.

You both have life-altering choices 2 make. I applaud him for hanging in for the time being, 2 see if you can get the help you need. But he likely won't be able 2 do so indefinitely, and we don't know what his limits really are (and he's been through a lot).

It behooves you 2 make a decision sooner, rather than later.

best,
-ol' 2long

Marshmallow, I think you are living in the fantasy world on that one.

Actually, that is quite logical, rain. Men are greatly discouraged from crying or showing emotion.

What's left? SF.

Some men are different, but most mens' #1 EN is SF.

OK...I totally think that has nothing to do with it but ok.

rain,

I know it’s easy to lose posts when your thread is the most active one on the forum. So here are my questions again.





Blessings.

S&C

Silence has never been so loud.

You know,

Even jesus warned His diciples as He sent them out to the world, that if your brethen will ignore and mock you, simply shake the dust off your sandals and move on.

So rain, I'm shaking the dust off my sandals and will not reply to this thread again.

When you lie on your death bed after having four or five husbands, you will become exactly like the women that Jesus met at the well. Quite sure you are not familiar with that scripture. Quite a shame actually.

I'm moving on now.

All Blessings,
Jerry

Dear Rain,
It's hard to know just what to say. I see a many different things when I read your posts.

Pain
Sorrow
Doubt
Hope
Anger
More pain


I'm sorry for the pain. I know any words we use here won't begin to identify or describe the emotions you have been coping with.

I think you need a starting place. That place is not always clear in our minds. Not always easy to identify.

I hope you don't mind if I tell a story.
Some time ago, I visited a garden.
The Garden

It was a beautiful garden, the flowers, and other foliage was varied and vibrant. The walkways and paths inviting, cool, and restful. I wandered in the garden, enjoying the beauty, and for a time lost in thought. It was a wonderful time.

Since visiting the garden, I have often thought about it. This garden is one of the most beautiful places I have ever visited. It reminds me of my marriage. I realize it must require upkeep. Someone weeds it, waters it, fertilizes, and mows.
Weeds, if left unchecked, would soon over run the tender flowers. Without water, the plants would wilt, and fade. No plant could maintain healthy growth without nourishment.

It has been 6 years since I first came to MB. I have learned much. I have discovered that our marriage is much like the garden. What garden plant is more tender than a marriage? Or of more value? Your marriage also requires a great deal of care. Weeds (feelings for others) can creep in, and take the nourishment intended for tender flowers. A marriage also requires water, and fertilizer. We call that meeting emotional needs, and it serves the same purpose for a marriage, as water, and plant food do for a garden.

When I married, I didn't know much about these things. We were struggling when we found MB. We have used the Marriage builder materials to nurture, and strengthen our marriage. It has grown in strength, and in beauty, and it continues to improve as we continue to tend it and care for it.

I can't see any reason that would prevent your marriage from becoming the garden that you wish it to be. It will require some effort, but the rewards are worth the work.

The garden in the photo was planted many years ago, and tenderly cared for. It did not come in a season, or even in 5 or ten.

Your marriage recovery will also require time. Not as long as the garden in the photo, but more than a few seasons.

To make it work, you have to be able to tell the weeds from the flowers. We have learned on MB that some friendships look like flowers when they are young, but as they grow, it is impossible to hide the damage they do to the garden of our marriage. Anything that takes the nourishment intended for the flowers does damage to the garden. If not rooted out, it will spread, and take over the garden in time.

So many here have been where you are. They want to help. They want the pain to end, and the garden of your marriage to flourish. From the names of those who have posted, I know that some have already shed tears for you. They care, and want to help.

There are as many kinds of gardeners, as there are flowers. Some fertilize, and nourish, and some use pruning shears. Both are necessary for the good of the garden.

I hope you can come to know that each person that posts wants to see you happy. We want your garden to be a thing of beauty, and a joy to both of you.

I invite you to start the journey by reading the MB materials. This is a beginning. It will give the background you need to transform your marriage.

There are steps that need to be followed for this to work. Once you learn what they are, and begin to follow them, your garden will begin to change, and you will be happier because of it.

If this is what you want, we will try to assist.

May we work with you?

SS

Number of posts or join date do not determine 'rights' to post. FYI your 'join' date is 8 years after my WW's adultery.

You might think about stopping playing that card.

Yup


Looks like that to me.

Iam,

Where did I say only a select few have a right to post?

BH's struggling through their WW's quest for NC, honesty, recovery are bearing a lot of pain. Their pain combined with their relative short time here often leads to poor judgement when dealing with WW's that post here.

Which causes them to not have the patience to deal with someone else's WW.

Fresh BH's should not pounce on and slam a new WW that posts here. It comes across as I can't slam my WW so I'll slam this one. Somebody has to pay for my pain. It might as well be this one.

Who better than a BH that can tell Rain what her BH is going through?

Who better than a WW that can tell Rain what she has to do?