My husband had the affair on me but I'm the one fighting to keep him. Like he belongs to her not me. I think maybe I forgave him to quickly. He never seemed like he thought he needed to fight to keep me. So, I'm the one paranoid that if I don't give him what he needs and go out of my comfort zone then I deserve what he does. I feel like I was doing something wrong for him to do this to me. He works 9 1/2 hours away and is gone for 6 weeks at a time. So, I think if I say the wrong thing he will just do it again and I'll never know. I'm scared to say how I feel because I don't want mine and my children's life destroyed. How can I feel like #1 instead of #2? I'm trying to change everything about myself to please him. He says that I don't need to but isn't that why this happened in the first place? Because of me?

Actually, it does NOT sound like anything you did or didn't do. It sounds like the problem is with his job. Why does he work so far away? Can you move closer to his job?

If he has a different kind of job like working on an off-shore rig, does the organization have support and safeguards to prevent affairs?

Also, you need to voice your opinion and concerns in a respectful way. Keeping feelings and opinions and needs hidden from your spouse is not a marriage. Walking on eggshells will only make it worse.

Also, don't change everythign about yourself. He married YOU. You should eliminate Love busters. You should find out how he wants you to meet his emotional needs, and make those changes.

And, you need to continue to live your life. If your husband is gone for 6 weeks at a time, when he's not around you have a routine, I'm sure. I'm also sure you have a lot of friends and interests. Continue to pursue those, and add new ones that he's interested in.

You're going to be okay.

Does your husband want to stay married to you? Is he talking about divorce or giving you the "We were never happy, and should never have gotten married"?

TFA,

Welcome to Marriage Builders.

Couple of things right off the bat...when did you discover the A? (We call that our DDay) How long married, ages of children, and if you guys are in counseling or not, what books you've read or are reading and what you've read of Dr. Harley's books and articles. How long was the A, when did it end (if prior to discovery or after)?

That helps with the recovery timeline.

Btw, you can put all that information in your sigline...which you get to by clicking on the MyStuff above and "profile"...sure helps so you don't have to answer these questions again and again. You can update it, too, whenever you want.

Next, you won't get to begin recovery until you have validated NC...which Dr. Harley says is for life. Period.

Doesn't sound feasible given WH's travel (your wayward husband).

I read another post by you which was full of assumptions and expectations...yours...and they hurt a lot when your WH failed to meet them...did he know you were setting him up to fail in your visit?

I took your posts to be full of recent pain, like DDay just happened...I read where you refuse due to pride to inform your family, his family and friends so they can actively support your marriage...and this is resulting in you feeling like the outside and OW the insider...

because she is...she's on the inside of her A with your WH and you are on the outside. That's your brain telling you wait a minute...YOU ARE HIS WIFE...and you were excluded from his life while in the A.

Your own beliefs are where you feelings are coming from...when you choose to assume about WH's stuff...you will hurt greatly...because you're abandoning yourself as badly as he did...know what you're believing, why you're believing it...because it's important.

Expose to OW's family...especially her BH, if she's married, or her BF if she's not. If she's young and single, expose to her parents, 'k?

As for your WH remaining in the same town for the rest of the six weeks...forget it. Seriously. They will continue to contact as long as he's there...and you'll have to verify NC is in place...he'll need to write a NC letter...after he gets home and mail it to her. NC is for life (I'm repeating)...up to you to find out the truth independently, 'k?

When you do these steps, you will feel like you are his wife again, not the OW. She's not real, she's fantasy. You are real...you have 11 years together, with children...she's got nothing but lies and deception, 'k?

You are not alone...thousands of posters have come through here, in your shoes...they understand and yes, I felt the same way you do right now. I had to kick out my love busters (LBs), especially this Disrespectful Judgment (DJ) to self...and know I was real, too.

Read up on LB asap...your WH belongs to no one...he's a whole, separate equal person, as are you, in one union with you. There's no belonging to...no possession going on of either of you...you're both equal halves of the marriage. Side by side.

You didn't really forgive him though you may have said it. Takes two years on the average to heal from this great of betrayal...it's real trauma you're in. Listen to all your never's, your ever's, all and nothings...they signal your perspective as about four-years-old right now, which is understandable...when we're in great pain and fear, that's where we go. Don't stay there...listen to yourself and stop calling yourself paranoid...that's a diagnosis. You have reasonable fear...your WH broke your marital trust to bits. You had no part in his choosing to have an affair at all. His choice alone.

Your half of the marriage pre-A is solely yours...and your actions right now matter greatly. You were totally left out of his decision to have an A, 'k? You weren't the cause, control or cure...and you still aren't...not to his choices.

Which means you can't make yourself safe,'k? None of us can. We choose to stay in our marriages, to build new ones, with healthier choices, marital and personal boundaries. We learn to live without blind trust and fantasy...we learn to spot reality and bring it...and we choose to act from our choice to love, respect and accept our partners...and enforce our boundaries.

When he said he wouldn't quit his job because that would be hurting his family (I'm telling you what I heard you say), would you consider that divorcing him and him paying child support would cost a heckuva lot more, do more damage? I think one of the consequences of his A is that he can't work away from you and his children for six weeks anymore. There's no way to prove he's not cheating...unless he works and lives with another guy 24/7 for accountability.

And even then, it's unreasonable.

To meet your ENs and for you to meet his ENs, you gotta live together. This six-week away thing...then how much is he home in between?

Actually your life and your children's lives will not be destroyed...broken apart, yes...not destroyed. Your marriage will be. He is half of it...you can't control his choices...you can stand for your marriage and mind your own choices.

His A betrayed you, the marriage and your children. He's has a long road to amend and redeem what he did, if he chooses. He may not choose to do so. You guys sound like you've really been living independently...a month and a half at a time...that's tough. Super hard on our military personnel...gone longer...and they don't have a choice but every four years to change their choice.

Your WH can change right now...by protecting his weaknesses and coming home. Acting transparent, getting new employment, ensuring NC with OW by changing his contact numbers...and finding local work, even for less pay, because I think you'd be onboard with working out something to even it out, where you work part-time, in exchange for having him home every night.

You don't have to change everything about yourself to please him...he DID NOT HAVE HIS A BECAUSE OF YOU, got it?

What you gotta do is identify and see where you love bust...and eliminate those...because those aren't who you are anyway...and do the same with him...identify his LB's as you experience them...same for Emotional Needs (ENs)...identify and prioritize them right now for you, and ask him to do the same.

You can make a new marriage with presence, acting to your real priorities (and not just going along to get along), and actively know you are HALF of the marriage...OW wasn't and can never be really even an iota in your marriage, 'k?

And it's reasonable to think "I did this, it's my fault" when our partners have an A...because if we take all the blame, we'll have all the control.

Which is fantasy. So don't go there, 'k? WH needs you, the kids need you and YOU need you with both feet standing in reality.

LA

And it's reasonable to think "I did this, it's my fault" when our partners have an A...because if we take all the blame, we'll have all the control.


Yeah, what LA said. And this applies to all marital problems. You can only control your behavior, not the outcome. But, surrendering complete control over the outcome will eventually lead to a sense of peace. You'll know you did your best, and that if things don't turn out perfectly, it doesn't mean you failed.

He does have a co-worker for his roomate. The thing is he goes home for a week a different time then my H does. My H was my first boyfriend and everything else. I had a very abusive childhood. He's the only man I ever trusted. Now it feels like everyone in my life has betrayed or used me. So, if I make him come home and I lose my house or something because of it. How could I ever forgive myself for being so selfish.

Well, you could forgvie yourself by realizing you cannot make anyone do anything else. You can say "If you want to remain married to me, we'll need to live together 7 days a week for 52 weeks out of the year. If you don't want to do that, I don't think our marriage will work."

Why does he have to give up his job? Why don't you move to be closer to his work?

If he does give up his job, and stay in your area, is there a reason why he couldn't get another job and you'd lose your house? And what's more important? A house or your marriage?

Does he want to remain married to you? This is a big question.

Have you addressed the issues that the abuse may have caused you? Do you have a counselor to talk to about this? When you say he's the only man you ever trusted, do you mean romantically, or do you mean trusted at all? If the latter, you may want to address trust issues. No one should rely solely on one other person. Emotional needs can be met by friends, all except for SF and FS.

BTW, weak boundaries are a common result of abuse. You aren't willing to have boundaries, and you blame yourself if you. "How could I ever forgive myself for being so selfish." Hmm. How can you forgive him for being so selfish? Isn't that the real question? YOU haven't been selfish. Requesting that he take actions that will protect your relationship and marriage is NOT selfish. Refusing to take said actions is selfish. Refusing to take actions that will protect your marriage is tantamount to saying "I want what I want and it's more important than our marriage, our family and our relationship."

With his work he travels frequently to different places. The state he is in now he'll be done with around October. I told him he could only stay away 3 weeks instead of 6(3 is the minimum amount of time you have to stay). Then were not sure where he'll be but he says he will make sure that he's home every weekend.I think to myself though, If I can learn to trust him while he's there than I can trust him anywhere. Right?

With all due respect... Are you nuts?

The issue isn't about you trusting him. You trusted him a year ago, and that didn't prevent an affair.

The issue is about protecting you, your family and your marriage from the destruction an affair causes.

It is very, very hard to protect your marriage when spouses are apart for a great deal of time. The military knows this, and tries to have some support system for marriages while soldiers and sailers are away.

The reason people are vulnerable to affairs when they are away from home for so long is that many emotional needs can't be met. Recreation Companionship, sexual fulfillment, family commitment, attractive spouse, and more just can't be done. Plus, the person that's away doesn't have the home structure wrapped around him or her. It's as if that's a different life, making it easy to compartmentalize, and even lead a double life.

Are you a Stay-at-home-mom? If so, one option if he really cannot get another job is to become quasi-nomads. Sell the house and stay with him no matter where he's sent. Do short term rentals.

Has your husband ended the affair? Does he want to stay married to you? These are important questions in dealing with an affair. Even if he doesn't want to stay married right now, there's still hope. You just have to adjust your expectations and behavior a little more.

Toofaraway, I read your post on another thread.

I really think you need to see a therapist or counselor to help you get through this. Healing yourself will not heal your marriage. In fact, much of the time you need to heal the marriage simulaniously, or you run the risk of healing yourself only to divorce your spouse because the marriage is so unhealthy only an unhealthy person would stay in it.

If you haven't dealt with your abusive childhood, you need to, pronto. Your past is driving some of this misdirected self blame.

However, dealing with your past and becoming stronger will not solve the issue of the infidelity. It will just make ending the marriage seem like a viable solution.

You husband chose to have an affair. He didn't have to. He also could have told you about the affair when it was a one-night stand, but he chose not to. If he was unhappy, he could have told you. He is responsible for his choices, not you.

There are men who have great wives who still are unfaithful.

He told me the other woman was twice my size and not as pretty. Like that was supposed to make me feel better. My kids are in school and play every sport avaiable. They are in gifted programs and I don't want to uproot them when they are doing so well. I check his cell phone records alot. He says it's over. I really do believe him to an extent. He told me he met her a bar. So everytime he says he might go to one I can't sleep until he calls me. I'm scared he could run into her. I know he told her it was over on the phone in front of me. My problem was that he felt bad she was going to be hurt. After all the time I've put shouldn't I be the one he's concerned about, not her?

Toofar,

Have you read the book Surviving An Affair? You seem to be missing some basic understanding of what needs to go on to save your marriage.

[font:Arial]1. Expose the affair. His roommate needs to know about it, and that you expect him hold your H accountable. Your family and his family need to know. There are a lot of reasons why. First, to bring pressure on the WS to end the affair. Second to hold the WS accountable for actions in the future. Third, to show love and support to the BS. Fourth, to show love and forgiveness to the WS.

2. Get your questions answered honestly.

3. Put safe guards in place so that an affair cannot happen again, and so that the BS can start to have some security. Security is not the same as trust. Trust takes a lot longer becuase his behavior needs to show you time and again what he's going to do. That's really what trust is. We don't trust people whose behavior is unpredictable.

4. Spend at least 15 hours a week together focusing on each other. That means no children, friends or family. It means going to the movies doesn't count for the time the movie is on--unless you want to make out like teenagers.

5. Meet each other's Emotional Needs in the way that gets the most points. [/font]

Now, so far as I can tell, your own family doesn't know you're going through this. Does your pastor? Does anyone in real life besides your H? You need the support. You need someone to constantly tell you you are not responsible for your husband's infidelity. If you can't get that support from your family due to the childhood abuse, you can still get it from friends and your pastor. Plus, your husband needs the accountability.

I'm going to assume he's answered all your questions honestly. That would be unusual. Usually, WS lie to try and protect the feelings of their spouse. "It was only once." "It was only those three times, I swear." "It lasted 3 months." In other words, don't freak out if you find you didn't get quite the whole story.

Number 3 is the big one that I don't see being addressed by you two at all. Why is he going out to bars? Of course you can't sleep if he's going out to bars. That would be one of the protections: No going out to bars. I'd probably add: No working out at co-ed gyms. Other protections are he keeps his cell phone on all the time, and answers immediately.

Putting protective guards in place is really hard when he's 9 hours away for weeks at a time. You two simply cannot meet each other's emotional needs enough to get over the hump of this infidelity. 2 hour phone conversations, IMing and phone sex aren't gong to do it at this point. Since it is summer, why not spend the summer together? I know your children are in sports. They'll get over being withdrawn from sports. They won't get over a divorce. Divorce divides a child's life forever. My life is divided in two parts by my parents' divorce, not mine, and I was 21 when they split up.

4 and 5 are going to be impossible unless you are together.

Some people can handle long distance relationships. Others cannot. I suspect your H falls into the latter category. He needs a wife by his side, otherwise the loneliness gets to be too much. Emails and phone calls aren't enough. Remember, he doesn't have chidren and housecleaning and pets and soccer games to fill up his time.

It doesn't sound like you've been committing love busters or a horrible wife or anything. You simply were able to meet his emotional needs BECAUSE you two were too far apart for too long.

Infidelity is like a shot gun wound. You need surgery, not a band aid, to survive it. Plus, you also need a course of antibotics, or infection can settle in, and you'll still get sick and die.

If you do nothing, if he continues to the majority of his time away from you, the chances are high that this will happen again.


As for who he is concerned about... Well, recently, she's been the one he's been spending time with. She's the one who's been putting in time over the last few months. So, he has an emotional connection with you both. Probably he's told her how worried he is about you finding out and being hurt. Additionally, in his heart, he knows he used her. Also, he can't really connect with the hurt you're feeling right now. Being together would help him understand, but some WS's never really get it.