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Joined: Jun 2008
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raven11 Offline OP
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Men,

Can someone please give me some insight into my husband? He has lost ALL interest in sex. He doesn't even seem to masturbate any more. We went from having GREAT sex 2x a day to none in months!

When I ask him, he simply says it's not me, he just doesn't know why he doesn't want sex.

He still watches plenty of internet porn, but that's about it.

How do I bring up the subject in a non threatening way? I keep reading how it's the MEN that need sex so much. Me, I would be happy to make love with my husband for hours, every night.

For months, I would give him BJ's, but he would never reciprocate with anything sexual for me. It was BJ, 'wow, thank you honey, that was AWESOME' and he would fall asleep cuddling me. I KNOW he was enjoying himself.

He would at least tease me a little during the day, like come up and cup my breasts, run his hands over my thighs and buttocks while i would reciprocate. Now he doesn't even do that.

He says it's not me, that I am still just as attractive to him. He says he doesn't know why he is no longer interested in sex.

I just don't get it. It's MY number #1 need and his #10! It's the one thing he refuses to talk about, negotiate about and even go thru the motions of trying to meet for me.

I try and stay attractive for him. I wear low cut blouses, sexy bras, I dress in a manner he's told me 'drives him wild' I keep my hair long and in a manner he says pleases him. I've offered to do everything and anything he might want in bed. Still nothing. He cuddles me every night. We sleep naked together. He's kind and considereate and doesn't appear mad at me for anything.

I've tried hinting, teasing him, writing him sexy notes, coming right out and asking for sex, being bold, being shy, being coy being direct. He doesn't respond to ANYTHING.

I've even masturbated right next to him in bed, which he has claimed is a huge turn on and fantasy for him. He acts like I'm some strange beast but doesn't do or say anything, will notice and then roll over and read or go to sleep and ignore me.

What gives?



This life and this love are the stories we write
We are free to write the truth, or lies or to tear the pages
To cherish, and erase, rewrite and start over
Mate it better, make it stronger, plot twists and
the impossible happiness that comes from unexpected love and forgiveness
Make it up as we go along, to have faith in the story
And never ever, ever give up – no matter what
Or to leave the book on a park bench in the rain
and walk away, saying how sorry we were
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Has he been to the doctor to have his thyroid and testosterone levels checked?


Husband (me) 39
Wife 36
Daughter 21
Daughter 19
Son 14
Daughter 10
Son 8 (autistic)

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Raven,

Agree, a medical checkup is in order. Would he be willng to do that?

I'm guessing he's getting SF by himself while he's watching the porn and therefore has nothing left over for you. If he's addicted to it, he's going to have to: first, admit it and then do whatever it takes to get unhooked. Have you tried talking to Steve Harley? Might be the best money you ever spent.


rightherewaiting


Me BS 61
Him FWS 63
Married 40 years
D-Day 6/30/06
Still can't believe it.
6/08 Recovering nicely. Anything is possible!
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Raven:

Time to kill the internet at your home.

No more porn.

Your willingness and his "plugged in" status means that his brain is wired for whatever the internet porn is giving him.

And then he doesn't need you.

Kill the internet in your home.

LG

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Hi Raven,

I'd like to second what KT and RTW said.

Although I don't want to minimize the seriousness of a possible sexual addiction, I do want to emphasize the importance of a complete medical check-up.

My hubby was suffering from depression, low sex drive and fatigue when he went to see his doctor, and the result of his tests came back as low testosterone. It's amazing the difference the recommended treatment (daily topical gel) has made. I never imagined that it was a medical problem that had been affecting his behavior -- I had always assumed something was lacking in the marriage, something that I, as a wife, should have been able to overcome and fix, but couldn't.

Why not do a little reading on the issue and see if it might fit your situation?

Hope this helps some,

SLH


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-- and you will find out how to
unfold your wings
as you fall.

- ray bradbury


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Raven,

Maybe you've already got all the answers you need, but I wanted to add some emphesis on depression. I don't want to discout sexual addiction, medical condition or anything else, but depression can have more of an effect then you might think.

I've been on depression medication for several months, and I've seen my attraction go from very little to very strong. While depressed, I really didn't care for myself very much, and therefore didn't care for my wife that much and wasn't all that interested in sex. Sex was great when it happened, but I didn't want to really flirt that much or do any of the other things that went with it. I really just wanted to go to bed.

Of course, my attraction could also be related to that fact that we are separated now, and you want what you can't not have. But I was crazy about my wife before, so I don't think that's it.

And maybe this sounds weird, but I don't know that it's a good idea to come out and ask for sex. I know guys aren't suppossed to be sensitive but it can give the impression that it's not about how you feel about him, just about using him to get your needs met.

I guess I would keep talking to him and find out what's going on.


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DD 4
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Raven also has a very lengthy thread on EN and had one on GQII. There is a LOT more going on in this relationship, including SO telling her three times now that he doesn't want to stay with her, and him flirting online with a 20 year old girl who may or may not know he's living with someone. They've been working with Steve Harley, and the SO will agree to do the homework, but doesn't follow through.

My guess is this may have more to do with situational depression and the relationship than with a medical issue or even a porn addiction.

Waht stinks bout depression and sex is that the AD's really mess with libido. I know there are some that claim they don't, but in my experience, they do.


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Originally Posted by Greengables
My guess is this may have more to do with situational depression and the relationship than with a medical issue or even a porn addiction.

Well, I don't think it would be to bad to take ADs even if there is no history, and the reason for depression is obvious. It's an aid to recovery. But I wouldn't take it in such strong doses that you don't care about your problems anymore, if that's even possible.

Originally Posted by Greengables
Waht stinks bout depression and sex is that the AD's really mess with libido. I know there are some that claim they don't, but in my experience, they do.

Since I've been on my meds, I've found my drive has increased...a lot. However, the fact that that I don't get any these days could be a factor. frown

And since we're on the subject, I'd avoid Cymbalta. My wife just started on that yesterday and has been nauseated, with the chills ever sense. She's better now, but not 100% yet.


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I haven't been on that. I've done the Lexapro and Paxil and something else. Not to mention the stuff they were using 20 years ago.

However, I'm not sure Raven's SO is depressed, and I personally really believe psychopharmacueticals should only be used under psychiatric care. A GP is not qualified to assess therapy options.


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Remarrying 12/17/15
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Kill the internet. I think he is doing more than watching.


Last edited by OG_LOU; 08/01/08 12:08 PM.

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I agree with getting rid of the porn.

I too had an issue with porn because my wife never wanted to have sex so I had to get it someplace.

After doing that it was hard to find my wife as attractive as she is and that is a problem.

In my relationship me and my wife have the opposite issue. When we were dating it was 1-2 times a day, and during that time of the month we would do other things. Now she would be happy with 1 or 2 times a month.

I think going to the doc will help. I know I had an issue with being tired all the time less sex. I found out I had a B12 deficiency after I started giving my self shots things got better.

My wife still has a low sex drive, I think it is due to the med's she is on.

My only suggestion is to keep letting him know what your needs are, and if your hubby is anything like me just once it starts it is hard to stop.

Even before I went to the doc to fix my B12, and my wife wanted it, and I was ready to go to bed, she would reach over and start messing with a certain something and said she would do all the work.

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Hi Raven,

I just want to say... if my wife was anything like you.. on the SF side.. i would be in heaven... she use to be like that, but now doesn't care for it.

you are one of the few that have that as a #1 on their list.

most women that i have read about... have no desire for it..

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Originally Posted by WANT2KNOW
Hi Raven,

I just want to say... if my wife was anything like you.. on the SF side.. i would be in heaven... she use to be like that, but now doesn't care for it.

you are one of the few that have that as a #1 on their list.

most women that i have read about... have no desire for it..

Want2know,
I don't agree with that. I think most women do desire sex but unlike men, we need to feel loved and wanted by our husbands/SO's prior to getting into bed. We need the intimacy along with the sex.
Jo


Me46
FWH42
Married 19 yrs
EA 4/07 - 4/08
(Confirmed by polygraph that it had not gone PA)
Dday1 4/13/08
Dday2 8/8/08
S26
S16
D10
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Hi, I am a wife and am just posting to agree with the other responses. I LOVE sf with my hubby and it's b/c he helps me love it. He does not do ANY porn,does not masturbate and he tries as hard as he can to not look at other women and save it all for me (I do the same for him), and he makes sure I feel the love, warms me up and gives me all the time I need.

My first husband did not desire SF with me and he was almost always on the internet and masturbating on his own. I firmly believe and especially as they get into late 30's and 40's that if they are getting the visual and physical need met anywhere else they will not have the energy for it at home. That has been my very obvious experience.

Ask him to help you create your own private kingdom wherein you save EVERYTHING sexual for each other. If you deviate somehow just tell the spouse and discuss it openly with no shame. It is really AWESOME to have this with your spouse but both of you have to work to save it all up for each other.

Best Wishes!

--M




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While I agree something is amiss here with comments to other posts I wanted to throw my 2 cents in regarding depression and meds taken (paxil, cymbalta, etc) for it.... It definately decreases sex drive.


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