Like just about any BS, especially BHs, I considered a RA for awhile. Not so much to boost my self-esteem, but because I was curious. I had resisted the usual temptations in the past, but I began to wonder "what if"?

1) What was so great about a friends-with-benefits PA (my W's situation) that it was worth everything?

2) What would it be like to have no-strings-attached sex with someone I barely know...or someone I do know for that matter?

3) Didn't I deserve to experience that thrill myself, since I was suffering mightily from my W getting hers?

As time passed, I answered my own questions.

1)and 2) - It would be a blast...completely exhilarating. Two people who aren't supposed to be doing what they're doing...being wanted so badly by another married woman that she's willing to put it all on the line for sex with me...yeah, that would be quite a rush that my W could never give me.


3) H_ll yes I deserved that thrill, and I still think so to this day. If my wife, whom I've been faithful to for our entire relationship, can go out and experience that one-of-a-kind rush, then I am entitled (yes, I said ENTITLED) to experience that too, at least once in my life. She gave me a "Get Some For Free Card" on d-day, like it or not.


I could've easily cashed it in more than once. Why haven't I? Because after MUCH contemplation, I decided this:

**EDIT**

I know I could do it if I wanted to. I've done so much obsessive reading on infidelity, from both sides of the fence, that my odds of being busted with hard evidence would be near zero. Finding a partner is shockingly easy these days. Cheaters are everywhere. I wouldn't have to be a "player". I wouldn't have to lie to an AP.

It's been enough for me to know that I could, but choose not to.

Cheaters sicken me. They behave as though they are part of some cool clique, **EDIT**

I am NOT entitled to an RA.

Never.

I would never do that to my kids and family.

No one is ENTITLED to hurt the children THEY brought into the world.

Not even for revenge.

Although I don't believe that it was "revenge" that I had in mind...I did (in a legal sense) have an affair after d-day #2.

ONS with a woman that I met online. Don't remember her name, where she is from (I know she is from out East somewhere...I live in the West). Hell, I wouldn't recognize her if I walked by her on the street...not that there is a possibility of that happening.

W is aware...I told her the next day.

I will give you more detail after the first round of 2x4's to come my way. Then I will explain "why" I think I did it...it doesn't have anything to do with "revenge", as some may think. And, I am NOT FOGGY about any of it (I'm sure you all will go that direction after reading my reasons "why")...it's all pretty clear to me, I can assure you of that.


Commence 2x4's......

We all handle things how we handle things. We are in shock over things that are being revealed and who were then doesn't mean it's who we are now and how we would handle it again.

In the end, what we do is viewed by one, G-d and he is the one who gives you forgivness and understanding.

I don't judge anyone because you are the one who knows right from wrong and has to live with yourself and that is probably worse than whatever I could do or say.

I'm just glad my conscience was clean because it was so tempting to do.

What's more weird, is that as time goes on, that temptation becomes stronger and I get to be loyal to G-d and not go there and in the end glorify G-d with my obedience.

But it's hard I tell ya.

I didn't have a revenge affair because I have mirrors in my house. Same reason I try to walk in good conscience all my life.

This does not wreak of revenge as much as it does jealousy. I don't understand why you would want what your WW had. What she had/experienced was poisonous to your marriage.

Do you feel 'entitled' to experience every stupid thing your wife gets herself into?

Unions tend to use a phrase in their contracts referred to as a "me too" clause. This means that whatever (benefits) the other bargaining units get, we get too.

That may have it's purpose in the workplace but I can't see that logic working in a healthy marriage. Especially when the "benefit" you perceive your wife to have experienced was the addictive "rush" of an extra marital affair.

.....bump.

No 2x4's?

Why would I 2x4 you interovert?
I am at a point where a RA is jolly tempting.
Its only my kids opinion of me that stops me.

I have one handy...are you asking for it?

I will tell you that I gathered from your post that you have rationalized why you did it.

Does your rationalization even now ring true to you? Are your justifications sound?

We owe it to our children to parent up where our spouses failed.

No kid deserves this.

"No kid deserves this."

Absolutly

I agree, but no faithful spouse deserves it, either.

I'm not trying to come across as though I'm contemplating a RA. Before my post was edited, it was quite clear where I stand, and why.

Although I easily could, I'm too good for that.

ITA, but since MY spouse failed my children as well as me, it was totally up to me to make certain that they were protected.

I am an adult. Once I was informed of what was going on, I could make MY decisions accordingly.

Children do not have that say. I had to be their voice.

If I had done the same things as their father, who would've been there for them?

Not only am I better than that...my children, all of them, are worth far more to the world than that. Since I was the only one at the time to realize that, I could never have an RA.

There is no "justification"....just some "reasons" that do not include "revenge".

When I decided to do it, it was two days after d-day#2. During this time, I had decided to get on with my life (just like WW had been doing for 4 months). WW was out of the house, living at her Mother's, and I had had enough of her b@llsh!t (quite frankly). I did not do it for "revenge". In fact, WW was the furthest thing from my mind at the time. In my mind was nothing but "getting on with my life AFTER marriage"...that had nothing to do with "revenge", and everything to do with what I thought (at the time) was "self healing". Was I right in the end?....no. Did it do anything to help our recovery process?....h3ll no. Would I recommend that anyone does this?...damn h3ll no.

After the truth of what I did come out (I told W the next day) I was MORE THAN HAPPY to tell W everything that she wanted to know about it (which was very little)...I had nothing to hide. Could someone look at every BS doing this as a "revenge" affair...sure, I would have to (before mine). But, in hindsight (and I know hindsight is easy...but it's experience in this case), there are 2 reasons that I have come up with that are more in tune with how I feel and "why" I did it that have nothing to do with "revenge"...

1. As I stated earlier, this was one way for me to convince myself that there is life after the affair. I don't have many friends, not many hobbies, and WW was neck deep in her adultery (she was gone, as far as I knew, and was concerned). What do I do now? I'm 33 years old, want kids, have no wife, no friends, nothing to look forward to, and a WW that says [censored] like "I'm fighting you till the end in the divorce"....."I need to find something that makes me feel good about myself again". Although it didn't work.....I succeeded in a sense of boasting my self-esteem at a very trying time.


2. After a week or so after my ONS, I found myself almost using it as a reason to justify forgiving my WW. My very own sister asked mw how things were starting to go with W, as far as recovery goes. The first thing out of my mouth was "well, she's not the only one guilty in this situation anymore". Although this is an obvious hindsight observation on my part, I think that I may have actually (subconsciously) done this to make recovery more of an "equal" process. I found myself thinking..."I want to feel what my WW feels, I want to do what my WW does, I want the same guilt that my WW has".



Anyway, you can 2x4, pick things out of my post and call them foggy, tell me I btoke my vows so I'm no better than her...I'm expecting this. But, I do hope that you can look past the "revenge" aspect of how this all went down. I assure you that revenge was not an issue. It's a pretty easy word to throw out there when a situation that looks like "an eye for an eye...tooth for a tooth" comes about, but it wasn't like that.

Okay.

I was kidding about the 2x4.

I have one...but I prefer to use a mackerel. It make a much more satisfying "thwack/slap."

I'm just baffled that a ONS with a complete stranger BOOSTED your self esteem. It would make me feel like a cheap, low-moraled slut.

Introvert,

Your justifications are what allowed you to "go there", but the fact you were more than happy to share your A with WW an example it was partially revenge.

Long term "personally" the fall out of lowering myself would have been painful. I too had opportunity. I received new attention when those around me suspected I was soon to be available. I think depression somewhat saved my integrity.

Just my .02, No 2x4's

Because I went from having nothing to having something....pretty simple concept really. Today, I would say that I agree with your comments...at that time I wasn't "me".

Although, you are right (in hindsight) that it doesn't make me feel any better about anything, at the time...it did. That's what happens when your emotions are in turmoil...things that would normally make you feel "cheap" and "slutty" all of a sudden don't, because you aren't in the same frame of mind.

Would you say this mind set would be the BS fog?

I can accept that as a fair assessment. The fact that I was anticipating her reaction to it probably says "revenge", but that wasn't my intent for having the ONS. My intent was to use it as a starting point in my "pursuit of happiness"...without WW.