Harsh words from the boys, rain.

They are true, however.

OM disrespected you by getting in between you and your H.

You allowed it......but you have to assign some responsiblity to him too.

He made a choice.

He knew you were married.

He knew you had a child.

But he chose to be with you anyway.

That is NOT admirable. That is just plain icky.


Fox

Ummm...no, will you tell me what it is?

Sitting around looking at it when you could be doing other things...like work or something. Please don't read that much into it...its really not a big deal. I just have a hang up with his computer usage so I don't want everyone to read too much into that statement.

I just want to remind you of something you posted earlier:

Are you talking about a physical affair...because no matter what you people think...it never went there.

and your point is?

He became involved with you, whether it was emotionally, physically, or both.

The time/energy/emotion you were spending on him took away from your family.

The emotional side of a relationship is just as important if not more so than the physical side.

I would rather my WxH had a one night stand than to become emotionally wrapped up over somone.



The reason I brought one of your earlier posts into this current discussion is so that you can see just how fickle your own thoughts can be.

I think it is important that you recognize this. So when you are vehemently defending your current position or feeling, you need to know that position or feeling is subject to change.

Fox

I think you need to remember the good things you have thought about your H and recognize that he is going through a really tough time created by you.

If he appears "unsexy" it is because of the situation he is in.

I would guess that he feels beat down and unsexy. JMHO.


Fox

ETA: I wasn't necessarily addressing his computer usage. If that is something that concerns you and bothers you, it will need to be addressed.

There are other roadblocks that need to be crossed first, IMO.

You know, this is where I get so aggravated for sharing my thoughts. People post stuff because they think something and then I say no, its not like that and then here we go. I am not defending the OM. I am just stating the way it was. This is not about the OM any longer. Why can't I get advice on what I need to do to recover my marriage instead of telling me stuff I already know. I may still be in the fog (whatever that means) but I am only answering posts. I am not bringing it up to defend the OM because I am still wanting to be with him. I am only answering questions or trying to set the facts straight. you guys keep saying...what are your thoughts...or be honest with yourself, rain....or does this make sense...and then when I answer...I am kicked around. DO YOU WANT THE TRUTH OR DO YOU WANT FABRICATION? Stop insulting me and help me.

It's because we still see foggy statements.

Some of what you say is TEXTBOOK wayward.


We see in your posts that you are. The "it takes two" comment. You are right. You consistantly take the fall for his discretion. Take yours, but assign his to him.


Oh, but it is.

The fallout from the behaviour doesn't end when you decided to end the A. There is still a HUGE mess to clean up. OM is still in the shadows.

You are still in agony, Dude is still in agony, BECAUSE of your involvement with OM.

True...and I am asking how to make it stop. I am tired of hurting my H. I am giving you my thoughts so that you guys can help me to correct them but at the same time I am trying to defend myself from looking like a complete a$%.

I can't help you with how to make it stop. I never got the chance to Recover with my WxH. He's too far gone.

Hopefully some former waywards will help you out.

Hang in there and keep working it it.


Fox

Been waiting for that one, you don't want to look yourself in the mirror and see a complete a$$.

Oh, and the FOG is the effects of the methlike chemicals I explained to you, that take over your mind and, uh, make you look like a complete, er, a$$.

Quit worrying how you look. Quit defending either you or the OM, as neither of you would win the humanitarian award of the year. Quit telling us your husband's short comings - all husbands have them, just like all wives.

Worry about recovery, which means:

1. Acknowledge that the OM was who he was, not who you projected him to be. Grown up guys know him. His name is jerk.

2. Acknowledge that for a time, you were a complete and total a$$, period, the end. Get over it.

Once you give it up, you can move forward to being a grown up.

Got it?

Larry

If you truly want to end your H's hurting you would work to increase your awareness and your effects on others.

You are so focussed on your feelings and your truth and you in general and when you get a glimpse into the feelings of others what you see scares you because it hurts so much.

If you received an electrical shock every time you hurt someone else your truth would change dramatically if you could figure out why it was happening.

Instead you avoid it and ask others to help you as long as they don't go there.

Whoo-hoooo...Larry's on a ROLL!!

Ok, rain, I have been reading your thread and your husband's and I can tell you that he very much recognizes your, um, shall we say, lack of enthusiasm. You are placating him. It is obvious to all of us. I have been there.

Do you know that I was almost 1 year NC before I came here? I was STILL a foggy, entitled MESS. My DH had spent months trying to get it through my thick, stubborn skull that just because I had ended the A didn't mean we were "all better." It doesn't work that way.

Nor have you maintained NC. You are addicted to the OM. You inherantly defend him without even meaning to by virtue of the way you FEEL. Your words give away your heart. What you need to realize is that your husband is very nearly done with all of this, and while one part of you wants to spit at that fact and say "OH WELL! TOO BAD, SO SAD" I KNOW what's going with the other part of you. It's why you are still here trying to learn (kicking and screaming the whole time, of course). You are worried. You don't want to be alone and yet you don't want to be tormented any more by the restraints of your M. You also have other issues, BIG ONES, that you have never had to face alone. You have always had Dude right there to hold you through the gambling and other problems. The thought of facing all of your demons on your own must be terrifying.

Noone said this would be easy, rain. Quit faking WD and go THROUGH WD...this happens when you STOP TRYING TO CONTACT THE OM. It also happens when you stop lying to your husband about your physical affair. That you claim it is only emotional is so absurd to one who has been there, it is almost laughable (if it wan't so tragic!).

Take two steps this week...go one whole week without trying to contact him. In that week become totally open and honest with your husband about whatever details he wants and then give him all access to your life. He knows you love this guy--he isn't freaking STUPID rain, so just fess up, get it all out there. Tell him you have decided to make a real difference and that while you may make mistakes along the way, at least he will know you are sincere this time.

Start tomorrow. No more talking, JUST DO IT!

I did. I gave you specific steps to take and you ignored them.

No one cares if you look like an [censored] - our opinions should not be all that important to you.


Please read my thread
emotional isolation & lack of empathy




I posted it with you in mind - however, it helps me reevaluate my behaviors at the same time.

Read it out loud with your husband.
You read a paragraph - then he reads a paragraph.

Do this in your underwear. Trust me - your underwear - you need to be emotionally naked with your husband - and taking off your clothes is a gesture of much importance - shed the armor - become tender and caring toward him.

Remember - our opinion of you is moot.

Pep

Rain:

LISTEN to resonance. As unique as you feel, trust me, ALL waywards say and think the same old tired trite garbage. It is called a script. After you have seen several hundred mouth the same brainless nothings, then get red in the face six months or so later when they wake up from the emotional stupid, you don't have to be a mind reader to figure it out. Yea I know, it seems real. Trust me, it is as real as the "Check is in the male." Pun intended.

AND Pep said:


BUT your opinion of yourself is what is holding up growing you from addled adolescent to real grown up.

I posted to Dude, finally. I urged him to exercise a bit more patience while you go through the difficult task of engaging your brain to take control of our emotions instead of the other way around. Yea, I know, hard to do. rain, I gave you a tiny little out in your war to keep a shred of dignity. Your response was "thud." Guess you want more, huh. Not gonna get it rain. Not in this lifetime. The only one you are fooling is yourself.

See, I am reading what you DON'T say, which is even more important than what you do come out with. Go read eeyoree's post and then read it again. Or you can keep playing dodge ball and stuff.

Larry

I do want the truth, but also for you to have an open mind to try to see things thru a lens other than the distorted one you have been looking for for awhile.
Thank you for answering the questions that are being posed to you, it is hard, I don't think anyone would doubt that. I am not intending to insult you, I am being honest and frank about some of the thinks that you may benefit from thinking out further. No one can do this work for you Rain - only you can do it.

We ARE here trying to help you, and Dude.(even if it may not seem like it sometimes...)