No, I am not going to say more except to comment as follows:

You have had one PA (adultery, betrayal, call it what you will) and advanced to an EA, possible PA (you deny). YOu are looking for someone outside your marriage to GIVE you what you crave and of course, what you NEED is inside your marriage, not outside.

A kid needs what they want and an adult wants what they need.

Got it?

Larry

Understood and I agree. I know that this is a horrible situation. I am not trying to "save face". There is none to save. I don't think the topic of desire should even be an issue discussed as presumably it is already understood.

But I don't get what you mean when you say that you gave me a tiny out. What are you referring to exactly? And what do you mean by "thud"? Larry, you have made a lot of sense and I truly have taken in what you have said to me so please don't throw something out there and then when I ask you to explain pull back. Because if you do, that doesn't help me.

I'm going to throw this out there Rain. Part of what you need to do to 'fix' your marriage, IS to be able to see OM differently than you did when you were (and honestly you still are....) infatuated with him.
As long as you can think 'oh, OM is so kind and considerate' and 'oh, OM is so natuarally sexy and manly'....

Dude is going to have thoughts that OM is sitting in your mind as the fall back guy (and, be honest - he is, right? at least right now) - that you are 'giving Dude a chance', but as soon as things get bad, too hard again... OM will be there for you to turn to becuase you still see him as this 'great guy'.

YOU have to work hard to see the situation (OM and yourself) for how you were. Matters not what OM does in the future, only what he was - which was exactly how you were. YOU can work on making a better YOU. You can control that.
OM was a jerk, a sleeze for persueing a married woman.
OM was playing on your vulnerablilty.
OM was disrespecting you and promices you made to Dude.
These are the things you know about OM. Since you will keep NC for life, this is the picture of OM that will (need) to exist in your head and heart forever if you and Dude are going to move past this. Dude needs this from you. You need this of yourself if you are going to truly be open to building a great marriage with Dude.

ok

How's it going Rain?

I feel like it is going good. I am trying really hard but it is sort of coming easy. We had a great weekend and I realized that I do miss him. I am picking my head up and taking steps forward. I could not live like we were so I am making a change and refocusing myself. It feels good!

Aloha rain,

It gets better!


Now, You know that I have not been one to push you with regards to a "No Contact" letter. Mainly because I didn't think you would have thought it was worth the paper it was written on.

But here's what you need to know. The NC letter is important.

You see the OM left the time frame open for you to decide. So that door remains open and it really needs to be closed. And only you can close it. The NC letter will do that.

Every one involved Dude, you and OM need this letter. Dude needs it because it is one more piece of evidence he needs to see you are serious about restoring the M. You need it to help you "Not look back". And OM needs it so he will get out of the picture.

When you write it, do not answer any calls, e-mails, letters and run away from any face to face contact. Then tell Dude that the OM tried to reach you. You have no clue how much that will help yor H and your M heal!!!

I seems like a you are doing well. Keep it up and if you two can swing it, try to set up a session with the Harleys.


Blessings to you both.

S&C

Awesome to hear this Rain

It it hard to think that you can change your focus, where your energy is going and have it work - but it does. Keep that positive focus and you will continue to move forward.

I do have to agree, however, with writing the NC letter. No matter if you, in your mind have told him you won't contact him... the letter needs to be writen now, with the knowledge and support of Dude. He needs this, you need this. It will close the door forever on that chapter of your life. Whenever Dude finds himself doubting for losing his resolve, he can remember that you took that action, you put it in words and that you WILL follow thru with it.

As Nike says...

Just Do It.

The "Out" I gave you was a detailed explanation of how infatuation works and the addiction process. Given that you did not respond, I assumed that what I said fell with a "Thud."

Simple as that.

"No response" = "Why should I comment?"

Larry

I apologize, Larry. I didn't realize that it needed a response. I thoroughly enjoyed reading the informationa and it made a lot of sense. I appreciate you sharing it with me.

I understand what you guys are saying. Me and the OM have already established that and it has worked very well because I have not had contact with him in over a month. Writing the letter would be just like breaking up with someone and then a month letter writing a letter and saying "I don't want to see you anymore". It is already an understood fact that I am not leaving my H. That is why the no contact was established. It's like sending the letter saying I don't want any contact and then sending another one.

Obviously, NOT!!!


It appears you're still MUCH more concerned about yours and OM's feelings/impressions than you are dude's ... disgusting!!!

The important thing is that NC has been established. Just because it was not in the form suggested on this website means nothing.

Wrong again ... this has NOTHING to do with what YOU or we want ... its about what dude needs to attempt recovery from YOUR actions.

JUST ONCE, would you consider someone other than YOURSELF???

I'm so glad to hear that the weekend went well. It will continue to improve if you and Dude can put your whole hearts in it.

As far as NC is concerned, how is Dude reassured that there is NC and that you are committed to NC?

Unfortunately, he probably can't trust right now that is the case just because you say so.

There are ways to phrase the NC letter so that it states you are doing this as an act of faith towards your H and making certain that this door is closed forever. You needn't care what the OM thinks.

This is for Dude.....and this is for you.

Fox

Who said anything about what I want? Like I said, NC has already been established. If I contact him thru a letter, then I am breaking the NC that I have already established. Why go thru writing the letter if NC is already there. It just doesn't make any sense.

It does make sense. Right now the door to OM is still open. The NC letter will close the door forever. Does he know to never contact you again? That is what a NC letter does. IT says I am done with you. Never contact me again and this is the last form of contact you will ever have with me. I am devoting myself to making the marrriage work.

I tend to agree with Rain on this. IF NC is truly established (and hopefully there was a stated sense of permanency with this) I do not see a reason to follow a strict format. If however the door has been left ajar even a little...it should be closed tight with a NC letter.

Any ideas/thoughts on whether it would be cathartic for rain and dude to write one together....and NOT send it, if they are both comfortable that NC IS in place?

I think the NC letter represents so much more than just telling the OM that he is OUT.

Just a thought.

Fox