Oh my GOSH, I am going to laugh about this all day. Brilliant, absolutely brilliant....

I'm still laughing too..........





Fox

GOLD Lexxxy.. pure gold!


Now it's just going to be -resisting- the temptation to do just that which will become the problem :P

Ahh well...

As for this weekend Bugsy, it's going to be a weekend to catch up on some things around the house I kinda let go while DS was here.. some general cleaning and working around the house. Got my first Friday night out since the 4th weekend coming up so I'm probably going to go swill some brew-dogs with my buddies and might get up and do Skarioke... then it's back to work, but the fun kind. The band is ramping up for our first show since the reunion, and it's going to be a big festival gig with a few national touring acts like Kittie, Threat Signal and Green Jelly (those into this type of thing will remember the whole 3 Little Pigs song from the early 90's).. so we're working on our stage show, and getting the new material as tight as possible, so we'll likely be practicing both Saturday and Sunday.

DS is with WW this weekend so I'll probably get a few minutes on the phone with him at the most, and DD is off to Cedar Point with friends and my mom chaperoning the whole deal.. the woman has the patience of a rock I tell you.. I dunno if I could handle 3 teenage girls at an amusement park for 3 days without backup..

That and given the fact that the last few nights I've been up until 3AM handling bad file downloads for our servers at work, and dealing with the support staff from India (not that I have anything against these people mind you.. just that they really don't have a real grasp on the concept of 'urgent' or 'business critical').. I think some sleep may be in order as well.. I'll have to work that in somewhere.

As for her little jab.. just wanted to say, yes it really irked me, and probably hung over me for about 20 minutes on the drive to the short track.. the kids both passed out which gave me a chance to fume in peace..

I assure you all though, I'm doing MUCH better with these triggers, and by the time we made it to the gate to get searched and give them our tickets I was back to Happy-Fun-James.. and honestly really hadn't given it much thought until I came here today to do the update.

I understand it for what it is.. and yeah, I think she's jealous.. we never did so much as what I'm doing now with it just being the kids and I.. Thing is.. one of the things I've learned from this experience is that you just can't take the time with your kids for granted.. even if WW and I weren't on the D train, eventually they grow up and move away.. part of a parent's job is to give them lots of great memories that they can share with their future spouse, and children.. and an example of how to make every day count.. not to mention it's MUCH more economical for 1 adult, 1 child, and 1 kiddo under 5-6 depending on where you go..

Yeah MEDC.. I threw that one in there just for you pal.

Most excellent, Lexxy.

Glad you're not letting the trigger get you too far down, James. Once you get on top of things, it's easier to let all of the Fog-laced-Wayward-spew go.

Hey James, this is from the opposite side of the coin, but I want to share it anyway.

I forced myself to get over my DD's dad. He was cheating on me when I was pregnant, and things got really bad, almost a miracle I didn't lose the baby.

I had broken up with DD's dad once before and it was because he wouldn't do anything with me that he did with his friends, like play tennis and golf with me. Two sports that he excelled at and I just wasn't enough of a challenge.

Anyway, years after we broke up and he got engaged to his current wife he called me to tell me that he would be doing all these things with her, and that he was deeply sorry he hadn't done them with me. He said he hated that I would see him doing them with her and knowing he refused to do them with me.

That one apology from him went further to allowing us to have a friendly co-parenting relationship than any other thing ever could have. It literally changed the course of the future for our relationship as co-parents and the affect that has had on our daughter's stability and happiness.

For what it's worth to you and your sitch.

SD.. I think you hit the nail on the head.

Once I really started getting my life together and getting on with it, it's become much much easier to basically brush off WW's jabs.. I don't engage anymore because she's really not the type of person right now worthy of my time and effort.. maybe one day she will be, but that day isn't today.



JJ..

I think I understand what you're getting at.. though I really don't know what to do with it.

More or less apologizing to WW for having to work that much harder to give DS a fulfilling, positive experience filled childhood would seem to me to be a little less than genuine..

The only thing I feel even remotely bad about is that she's missing out on it, and by extension DSD is left out as well..

But that wasn't a choice I made.. that's her choice.. and I can't be sorry for something I wouldn't have chosen even if given the opportunity.

Maybe I am missing the point here.. and I'll take my lumps if I am.. but even still, all of these family experiences are hers for the taking if only she'd choose it.. I just don't think I am capable of feeling 'bad' for her losing out of her own volition.

I really "get" what Josie is saying, and I think it is an important piece for you to get too.

You didn't do the family outings back when she was in the picture. That was a disappointment for her. It lead to frustration and anger. These were things she wanted to do, but you refused.

Now you're doing them. And its in her face. Its not enough to say "well she could join us if she pulled her head out of her [censored]" She does not see it that way. She probably sees it as you showing off. She probably resents it. (As in "oh NOW he does it, now that its too late.)

My EX acknowledged his failure to participate in family things. And like Josie said, it helped me. He simply said he hadn't realized back then how important family time was, and he was sorry he missed out.

It changed the way I looked at his activities. Instead of being resentful of him doing fun things with the kids, or thinking he was always trying to compete with me, I could be glad that he finally "got it" and I was happy my kids benefited.

Ahh..

I see... well I've more or less, early on in this whole thing layed out to her a list of things I -know- I could have and SHOULD have done differently in the M.. and this kind of thing was on that list.. so in that effect I suppose I feel like I've already done that..

Her sour grapes right now are hers to suck on IMO.. it's something we'd talk about from time to time during the M but never really had the money or the time to go do..

Maybe she's struggling financially and resents the fact that I've somehow come up with the means to do it.. well.. it's easy to make sacrifices to sock the money back when it's only me making the sacrifice.. back in the day the whole family had to eat.. she had to have her $80 haircuts and her $50 manicures etc..

Now.. even with the CS obligation, my cost of living has gone down.. A fair majority of that is that I've rebuilt my relationship with my mom, and have been going and cooking for her at her place most nights in exchange for a cook's portion of the dinner meal.. I'm being smarter about what I do for lunch, what I do recreationally, what I spend on myself...

The kids benefit from those savings right now in that I'm making plans in advance to do special things with them.. especially during the summer months when the weather is nice..

But truth be told.. a vast majority of what I'm out -doing- with the children costs me no money at all.. I don't have to worry about WW sitting at home fuming because she's not the 'social' type... so I go over and hang out with the neighbors, DS gets more time to play with their kids and go swimming in their pools.. I don't have to wait an hour and a half after I get home to start dinner because WW is going to be there, which means we can go to the park and play, and walk the trails and whatnot before it gets dark out..

I dunno.. while I'm sorry she's missing out on this.. she's more than capable of learning this lesson herself and making the most of her time with her kids when they're at her apartment.. but instead whenever I call DS at night.. what's he doing? Oh.. he's in front of the TV, or playing with DSD or Wonderboy.. inside at her house.. which is fine, but at the same time, I never hear DS say that he's playing with mommy.. or that mommy's reading to him.. or anything else.. SHE is missing out because that's how she wants to live her life.. it's the main reason we DIDN'T do those things when we were together.. she SAID she wanted to, but never got off her butt and did anything about it.. always left it up to me.. well guess what.. I've learned my lesson, and I'm not just going to talk about it.. I've done something about it.

Every time I've broached the 'I've changed my outlook on...' things.. I get the 'For the kids sake I sincerely hope you have'...

So no.. there's no 'apology' for her laziness coming any time in the near future ladies..

She can resent me for it.. but the door for her is still open, she CAN take part.. she chooses not to.

My kids aren't going to suffer for HER choices when they're at MY house.


ETA: Ladies.. PLEASE don't think I'm upset with you guys for what you are suggesting.. and forgive me if I seem a little flip about the whole deal..

I truly understand you are trying to help me here.

I guess just lately I'm fed up with my WW and others' waywards trying to shove their crap on the BS's side of the fence... and being resentful of ME.. for consequences of the decisions they made themselves...

I'm sorry if I came off hot here..

YOU GO DUDE...

I also think it's very ATTRACTIVE....

good for you. DO NOT apologize to her. YOu gave her a chance to be part of your life...she chose not to do so.


Exactly!

Woah... careful now guys..


I might just start feeling empowered or something.

James,

I wasn't suggesting that you apologise to her (that is your call and quite frankly I think she is too messed up at this point for it to even faze her), I was just sharing how one changed everything for my ex and me. I was only making the point that had my ex not apologized to me, things could have been a whole lot worse for us as co-parents because I would have been hating his guts everytime he went and did the things with her that he wouldn't do with me.

She is growing resentful that you are doing all these family things, things she wouldn't do. Actions speak very loudly to waywards, where words just get put into their crazy machine and twisted all around in their scrambled up brains. Any time a wayward is resentful, or angry it shows that there is trouble in the wayward fog making machine and they have to re-adjust their rationalations/justifications.

I hope like h*ll that someday she gets it and she will apologise to you. That was my point, really. It makes it a lot easier to have a good R that you need to have in order to co-parent, and believe me if you have joint custody you have a LOT of co-parenting to do. The constant exchanges, the going over the homework assignments so the other parent knows whats going on after the change off, the activities, the problems in school, with this friend or that one, the bad habits the child is developing, the new fears, etc. Co-parenting is difficult at best.

Lexxy, you did get it, how an apology can work magic.

James, the ONLY time I would suggest you offering her any type of explanation is if it benefits your son. At this point, your stbx is not due the time of day. You have already done everything in your power to let her know she was welcome to be a part of your family...and everything that includes. Since she made the choice to not be a part...it really is none of her business what you do with your time or when you have your son. She has zero say in it and frankly it doesn't matter how she feels about it. When push comes to shove, your custody arrangement will be dictated by the courts...not on the whim of a wayward spouse. You will not need, nor should you expect, her cooperation beyond what the courts allow. Your relationship with her...at her choosing...will never be friendly so long as she exposes your child to her filth. In fact, you should do everything in your power to begin to whittle away at her time with your son (since he is never in a good environment when he is with her). In a standard divorce where people just decided that they could no longer be married, I would agree with JJ...but not in this case.
If she were to bring up "why didn't WE do that stuff...???"...IGNORE HER. It is blame shifting. Do not offer her any explanation beyond what you have already offered her. She chose to ignore you...now its her problem. Do NOT make this new "relationship" with her friendly beyond what is required for your son. I know it sounds harsh...but it will send a strong message to her and your son that her behavior is not acceptable. Tolerate her...nothing more.

And a bit off topic...any word on the hearing for custody???? This seems to be taking a ridiculously long time to get scheduled.

First he has to get custody, and since it is unlikely that he will get full custody, joint custody I thought, was what he was going for.

A judge will only grant, at least the judge we had and what I learned during my own ordeal, joint custody when the parents have a good, working, parenting relationship. You have to, or you cannot co-parent your child. Things get ugly real fast in joint custody if the parents don't get along, and with switches that could be on a weekly basis, it just won't work to the best interests of the child. If the parents can't get along, the judge will not put a child in this environment, going back and forth constantly.

Heck, even the mitigator told my husband and I that when we went back in for the reason that he was making decisions without me about her. The mitigator said the judge will only allow this type of crap for so long before he steps in and puts her back in one home.

He doesn't have to be best friends with his ex, but he does have to have a friendly co-parenting R with her in order to co-parent. The prolonged stress/tension would destroy the child, and be very, very hard on James.

My ex was made very, very clear on that by the judge when he granted the joint custody. Although he still pushes the old envelope at times.

I agree with everything you say except for "friendly." Nope...not in a million years. He has to be cooperative and follow the agreement...not friendly.

And I didn't say anyhting about him getting full custody. He should...but he won't. If there was justice she would NEVER see her child again so long as she is wayward.

Yep.. I'm totally right there with you Josie..

Even with the friendly part.

There's a yeahbut coming.. did you sense it?


The 'friendly' is going to have to go both ways.. and right now, she's still venom and ire.. she's clinging to her justifications and is mad as hell that they aren't standing up.

My course right now isn't going to change.. the exchange last night was a little different.. there was even some interaction.

DS really wanted a drink, and I offered to WW that I could make him up a travel cup (spillsafe lid) to take with him if she'd wait a few minutes... and WW said no, and started going into a diatribe about how DS spilled all over the place last time he had a drink in the van.. I didn't really let her get rolling, I just turned to DS, gently calmed him and reminded him that it was mommy's car, mommy's rules and that he promised me he'd do as his mommy told him.. she promised at that point to give him something when they got home, and the matter was settled..

See? I'm not being adversarial with her.. but her tone in the way she was telling me about the last time he had a drink in the van was very harsh.. I didn't rise to it, and I backed up her authority with DS.. The matter settled I told DS I loved him and would see him soon.. and then stepped aside so they could leave.

The 'niceness' is going to have to start flowing in my direction as well if it's going to get 'nicer'.. and I don't see it happening.. I'll be respectful, and curtious to her when DS is around.. when he isn't it's all business.. she's going to have to earn anything beyond that.

James,

You know what you need to do here. I don't have any great words of advice.

Just a reminder warning about the exchange last night

Ahahaha!!!

Thanks Bugs... I needed that