that would be up to them. I would find no value in doing that but others might feel differently.

I will respectfully disagree with this. A NC letter is only as good as the commitment of the WS to meet its stated objectives. I have seen NC letters used as a ruse in my time here. I think they are a good thing to send....IF contact is still an issue.

Rain said she was under no time limit to decide, that OM decided to pull away from her in order to put pressure on her to make a decision.

IMO, that door is WIDE open.

if that is the case, it should be sent.

Here's what she said...

Not a problem to disagree with my statement. I can see your point. The letter or any other action is only as good as the effort put into it. She could write a NC letter and still break it. She could also never have contact again without it.

If she is truthful in her NC letter and follows it with actions towards improving her marriage than it does close the door.

Then you would find interesting the fact that many, many people find the information I provided to you as "Dehumanizing" the whole thing. This has both a positive and a negative effect. Can you see those two sides? Where would you say you fall, positive or negative?

And quit keeping the dang door open; send the ferslinger NC letter. For me, failing to do so means you believe the OM's promise and thus have set up a fall back position in case it doesn't work with Dude. . .

Larr

Yes, the OM knows not to contact me. He was the first to establish it. There is no window. I wasn't going to leave my marriage and he was not going to be seconds - period. So we ended it with the agreement that we would leave each other alone.

Rain

I have to call you on how your so called NC was established.

"He is not an A$$ and has asked me to make a decision because he no longer wants to share."

Nice of the OM to take the high road and no longer be willing to share you. How it was unacceptable for his mistress go home and cheat on him with her husband.

"He will not sleep with me while I am married and has made that a FACT."

With the affair exposed he no longer has you available to spend as much time meeting his needs so he tells you good bye. Time for him to imply he needs to find a new play toy. Hoping his going plan B with you will push you off the fence back to him.

He used a plan B hoping that you will weaken and break NC to get your OM fix.

"No, I am under no time limit but he pulls himself away because he wants me to make the decision. He says it is best that we do not contact each other and I agreed."

I do not know if the fog has you in such deep denial, your reading comprehension is sub grade level, or both.

The "No, I am under no time limit" is such a blatant open door left for by the OM.

Dam, open door, OM ripped off the whole side of the building to show you that he wants you and will take you back.

OM only told you no more dating because he will not share a wife with her husband. OM did not say the affair was wrong, and he will never want to see or hear from you again.

NC can only be established when a person say's without any preconditions that the affair was wrong, and they regret having contact with in the past, and never want any contact forever.

You never told OM that and OM never told you that. Stop being such a fake.

I think it's Dude's decision 100%.

"we"?

I like how you used the POJA with the OM.

rain,


Not exactly. It would be like that if you weren’t asked to make a decision or if you were given a time frame to decide.



Is it? Who is it that understands this? You and OM might understand it, but it's clear that Dude isn’t so sure. The letter isn’t for you or OM as much as it is for Dude, to know that you mean what you say. It is one of those actions that speak louder than words.



These two posts contradict each other. Can you see why people think what they do?

Rain, the thing you need to understand is that the letter isn’t only about telling the OM you do not want any contact with him. It’s also about caring about Dude’s feelings and respecting how he feels about this issue. His healing is, in part, in your hands. This will show that you care about his healing.

I hope that makes sense.

Blessings.

S&C

Rain, IF you were serious about NC, you would NEVER be in contact with the OM again. Even if you and Dude were to divorce tomorrow...there would be no contact. Can you say that is the case? If not, you left the door open.

How was the weekend, rain?


Fox

It was ok. He is very aggetated. He is being very protective of himself and what he wants. I mean nothing right now. It's all part of it. I am sill trying.

You're right, it is part of it.

In time, you will earn that trust back and hopefully he will open up again.

I think you DO mean something right now. He is just afraid, IMO, to let you back in when so much harm has been caused.

Keep challenging yourself and do what it takes to earn the respect and trust back.

You need to earn your own respect and trust back, too. With the actions that create your own self-respect and trust you will become an admirable person.

Fox

Aloha rain,

How'z things been this past week? Was thinking about you and Dude.

Blessings

S&C

Everything is about the same. More like it used to be but that is what scares me because the intimacy is just not there for me yet and it hasn't been in a long time. I am truly going through the actions hoping that the feelings will follow.

rain,


Getting it back isn't going to happen fast nor is it going to automatically. Both of you will have to work on it. You will need to do your job and Dude will need to do his. But here's the thing. You need to show more effort than it will seem that he is doing. I'm sure you want whatever you do to be the most effective it possibly can. So, what I would encourage is for the two of you "make time" to sit down and talk about what you both need. It may be a bit uncomfortable and awkward at first, but necessary so neither of you waste your time doing things that the other doesn't recognize or appreciate.

Don't put this off.


How you feel about doing this will change.

The things you are doing; does Dude seemed to appreciate them? If he does, then keep doing them. Your consistency will be the thing that will improve your M. You need to keep the goal in mind and think of it as getting everything back a few inches at a time, (because that's how you probably lost it) and if you don't become impatient, you will realize that Dude will be back in it and wanting to meet your needs too.

But the key is really communicating with each other not just talking to each other. You both need to know what you expect from each other. And what you are willing to do to meet each other's needs. He may initiate it, he may not. If he doesn't, you should. But either way it needs to be done.

ok?

Blessings.

S&C

rain,

How are you and dude?

Fox