U-can, I feel for you. Will you be happy in the marriage if he never flirts with, contacts, talks with, e-mails, or sees other women again?

Or are there other things about his lying personality that you have a hard time dealing with in addition to the porn and cheating?

Honestly, if he eliminated all those things you mentioned, as well as the lying about money, I would be very happy.

We have a terrific time together, I love him, I'm attracted to him, I can see myself with him until I'm old and rocking on the porch swing.

I could make a very long list to compare next to the 3 MAJOR issues I have with him. HOWEVER, if those issues cannot go away, the LONG list will not sustain us anymore.

I'm not willing to compromise as he has counted on so many times in the past because the rest of the items on the list are so terrific.

No more settling for less than I deserve with the OW, porn and lying about money! What I consider his addictions and ways he acts out when he is not wanting to take a look at himself and make permanent changes.

My biggest issue is that I have tried to do the changing for him in a codependent way, taking away his responsibility and accountability for it. I've made life easy for him. I'm not doing that anymore, but I am still trying to find ways that I will be happy. When I am happy, he of course benefits and some of the things that I want to do (i.e. date nights), he benefits from as well. I'm ok with that. I'm a stronger woman now. No more tears of pity and I will walk and he knows it. He has made some great strides to stop the acting out.

I'm trying not to sound like I'm making excuses for him. There are days when I could wring his neck or days that I can't stand to deal with this anymore. But I do see us making baby steps to Recovery. I won't call us "in recovery" until we have had at least ONE YEAR of no issues that I have mentioned. Our history shows that I have jumped into the "happily ever after" mode too quickly and I am safeguarding against that.

He knows that we are still "working on our M", it's not "fixed". He's very aware of that.

Thank you for caring. I appreciate your honest feedback. It keeps me on my toes.

Saw IC again yesterday, been going for a few months now.

He says that he can tell that I am much stronger. He believes that I have set boundaries and drawn some lines in the sand. He says he believes that my "taker" has been coming out and being honest about my expectations.

He liked my "date night" idea last week because he said I knew what I needed, regardless of FWH benefiting from it and I acted on that.

He is encouraging me to set a timeline for FWH to have gotten help for his addictive behavior. He does think that these are addictions, which we discussed just means that they run deep and that he will be triggered and has to take even more extraordinary precautions outside of just having a ONS and choosing not to see the OW any more. Per IC, no excuses for him, just an observation that he may not recover without therapy.

He has worked with alot of addicts so he doesn't let me off the hook easy when I act like I'm not holding a boundary for the recovery plan that FWH has promised to adhere to.

It's kind of weird because I'm not "doing" his recovery plan, yet my boundary is that it "get done" in order for us to stay together.

I'm very appreciative of my IC.

IC is out of town next 4 weeks, FWH is out of town next 2 weeks to his parents. I'm looking forward to my time alone so that I can prove to myself that I will do just fine and can be alone again if needed.

IC had me discuss triggers and precautions with FWH for this trip. FWH says he does not feel the need to act out and does not think that he will have any triggers. He said he did exceptionally well while I was away at camp for a week and that he has come to the conclusion that regardless if he feels "entitled" because something of his is unresolved, he is seeing that his actions continue to just make things worse.

Only,
Use the next few weeks as a learning tool. Don't get caught up in negative thoughts and allow them to rule your day. I tend to do this and find myself unable to snap the pattern once it begins. I'll be thinking of you and checking periodically. This should be a "me" re-structuring time. Enjoy it and bask in it.

fiori,

Thank you! I'm going to try really hard. I'll keep you posted.

I found myself this morning actually having a trigger from a song that caused me to think about 2 of the OW's. Then I was counting how many there have been and started to cry. I felt ashamed that I have allowed this to go on so long. I think it's part of my process of owning the fact that I have allowed it and that I'm not allowing it anymore.

Yes, but now you are counting the past. These are situations that you used to allow...NOW you are stonger and more capable. You are standing tall and are able to stand up for yourself. It's the same as watching MogiSola. All of a sudden she has moments of clarity when she puts herself first. Viola! The H responds and finds her enticing. Silly men.

I know, it's crazy. But it's the healthiest I have felt. I truly see things clearer now. I'm reading Vegmom's posts and see the FOG that I was in. So unhealthy, so painful. I really feel for her. It won't matter what anyone says, she is going to have to take ACTION to do something different. By that I mean, get help for herself, seek counseling, group therapy, etc. When you have been a doormat for so long, it becomes your safety net and comfort zone.

Have to say, I like it better standing on my own 2 feet.