I think it means:

1. I'm happy when I'm with OM, or being pursued by potential OMs. It makes me feel good about myself, that I'm desirable and desired.
2. In my M, I'm not allowed to be with OM, or allow them to pursue me, so I'm unhappy.
3. Because of (2), I'm sacrificing my happiness for my M.

NN,

Have you read here about the concept of A's having a similar affect on the brain as an addiction? I think the feeling of WD when she isn't getting her fix from OM1, 2 or 3 is what she is referring to as "sacrificing" herself.

I would follow through with contacting OM3. Also...are you certain that she isn't in contact with OM1 & 2?

I am pretty sure OM1 is out of the picture. I'm not sure exactly what was going on with OM2 yet. I can't find anything else out about him.

I will most likely contact OM3. He needs to be out of my marriage. He should know better as I have found out that his W screwed around on him.

The fact that she can't stop getting her fix by getting hit on by OM is not going to be easy to get past.

WW made a comment this morning that our gym membership is due this month. I told her I didn't want to spend the money since I don't know where we are going. She works there part time so her membership is free. If we aren't together I'm not going to be going there as I would run into her.

She said that if we are going to start "trying" here. She says it that way because she says I don't think she is trying. When she is out meeting OM she isn't trying in my opinion. I told her to write something down as to how she wants to try. I sent her something a week ago on kind of a plan or ideas on how to rebuild what we had. She hasn't sent anything yet. I told her I would love to go work out with her. I said we can setup a schedule and have at least 2-3 times a week where we could go together. We haven't really done that in the past month or two.

Yes, "trying" to work on the M would be NC with any other OM...which she clearly has not proven to you yet. Spending time together, etc, is fruitless if she is not willing to go NC with OM1, 2 and 3 and stop going on the prowl for another OM.

I am a little concerned about your W being addicted to the high of an OM fix rather than OM himself...seeing as there have been three OM in a short period of time.

My H was only addicted to OW1. When he was away on business, he was so foggy and craving OW1...that it led to flirting and kissing OW2 but he didn't care if C continued with her and didn't pursue any her when he got home or any other OW.

So anyway, I am a little concerned about this for you. Someone mentioned the word "serial cheater" and I hope someone else will chime in here with more information whether the same plans are followed...

Hang in there.

The fact that she said if we are going to start "trying", as she said it, on our marriage is a good thing. Before we can start trying we will be having a long talk. Any OM will be out of the picture and I need to be let into every single aspect of her life. The situation with her BF is a whole thing in it's self. Like I said I just didn't want to bring this relationship talk up last night. A few months ago that is all we did and things got worse. We stopped doing as much and things improved and now things have changed. The OM are the reason for this change.

WW has always talked to OM and OW for the 15 years we have known each other. It has never bothered me since I have felt secure and nothing had ever happened before. But things are different now.

When I read through your story, I thought it looked like after you contacted OM1 and he told your WW it wasn't worth the trouble, she was in NC for a few weeks and that was when things got better, is that right?

All along I had thought your WW was still in C with OM1 and that your snooping would reveal that.

However, if you can't find that she resumed contact with OM1, and that she went through a couple of weeks of NC, things got better in your M and then she went out and pursued OM2 and OM3, that is very very concerning... JMO.

Shortly after NC was set with OM1 she moved out for 2 weeks. When she came back I do believe she was going through withdrawals. I told her I wanted to know how she was feeling and anything else during this time. She told me at times that she was thinking about him and we would talk about it. I'm sure he is gone now. It kind of looks like the reason she got over him so quickly is because she picked up someone else. It is the OM from high school that concerns me most.

He is the one who is divorced and she is confiding her feelings in. I can make another attempt with her at NC with OM2 and OM3, or any other male for that matter, again. I have been more observant this time around. I have her email password and a recorder set up. She will not be allowed to go out to the bars with her friends anymore.

It is very concerning thought that she did go out and replace OM1 right away. I know the only way to move forward is to take a stand. I am preparing and I know it’s taking me too long but I am headed in that direction.

WW and I have had another good night tonight. I got some pictures of myself and a few friends from a couple weeks ago and shared them with her. We laughed and talked about them. We watched our show again tonight and then kind of hung out and talked for a little while. It was genuine on her part but if I was to ask her in a week she would say that is was all forced. I don't understand this. I can tell when she is forcing herself to talk to me and tonight wasn't one of them. She has her moments where I can tell she is thinking and I am getting better at backing off during these.

MIL talked with WW yesterday. MIL told me that WW still doesn't know what she wants, she said she goes back and forth. She keeps saying she just isn't happy and has been trying. It sounds like MIL beat it into WW that she hasn't been trying if she has been going out to the bars with friends all the time. The fact that WW is talking to her mom now is good for me. WW has pretty much disconnected from everyone except her 2 friends.

I guess I have my lines ready to be drawn in the sand. I'm just waiting for WW to come back and say she wants out of this. I am watching every single thing I can now. I know that before we move on I need to stand my ground, I just haven't done it yet.

If you did a "slide show", do another one going way back to the beginning, these are powerful messages that will delete the "history rewrie" that WS's do. It can't hurt. They can't help but see their marriage as it once was. GF

NN, during her A (which was unknown to me at the time), my FWW and I made plans to go traveling with the kids and visit a number of attractions such as Disney World. We went on our trip and we had a GREAT time as a family and just the two of us as well, whenever we had the opportunity. It was almost like a second honeymoon.

When I asked her about that experience after D-Day, she told me that it was just a good time, it didn't mean much more to her than that.

So, I wouldn't read too much into your WW's actions that night, forced or not. It's if and when she stops doing things that damage your relationship - those are the types of actions that are really important.

I know that she needs to make some changes before we can move forward. I have told her what I need from her I just haven't said I need them or I'm moving on.

In her emails with OM when she was telling him about our M, she said she can't keep talking about the same things over and over. I guess I am giving up the relationship talk for awhile. When we talk about that everyday it's like we are just beating each other up. We both become so emotionally drained from it that we don't spend any time together. I know OM needs to go and she can't be confiding in him. I am watching this and have not found evidence of him since Monday. It has only been a few days and I'm still watching.

I agree with MiM.

My WH would have NC for a several days and would start to act like "himself" again...I would feel like we were making progress...only to be bumped right back to "no feelings", confusion, etc as soon as there was any contact.

Until your WW commits to 100% NC with all OM and proves that she means it, you are not even close to being safe from the WS rollercoaster ride.

NoName,

I've got to call you on this ... if you're looking to MIM to support your plan to maintain the status quo, then you've went to the right place and will likely find yourself in the exact same place 3+ years from now (or worse). You need to read his (and his WW's thread in Recovery) thread and use it as the way NOT to act.

You can take action and improve your situation or you can remain in a loveless unsatisfying relationship for years ... its your life.

Seriously, how do you look at yourself in the mirror knowing that your WW is still in contact with at least one OM (and maybe more), while you look at photos basically doing NOTHING to improve your situation???

WW and I had our talk this weekend. We spent Friday night and some of Saturday morning talking about our M. She initiated the conversation. She said that she knows it's best for her to work on our M. This is the first time she has come to me and said she wanted to work on our M. She said that she probably wasn’t giving everything to our M in the past. I hope she really realized this.

I had come up with what I needed from her in order to work on our M before. I just hadn't started the talk. I guess I just hadn’t taken a stand yet. WW agreed with what I need from her in order to work on us. I don't want her going to the bar with her friends or talking to any OM. We discussed the cell phone and email. There will be nothing that I can't see.

She still told me that she doesn't feel anything for me. I don't think she has much hope that our M has a chance. She tells me she enjoys spending time with me but just doesn't feel anything. She says I’m just like a friend to her.

I feel good that she has agreed to work on our M. I do think she wants to work on it but I don't trust that she can leave this life she wants behind. I'm not going to stop spying on her so that I can ensure that she has no contact with OM.

It sounds like progress. She won't feel anything for you now, but give it time.

I'd certainly call the Harley's. This is huge for you if she's gotten this far and has at least committed to trying.

But beware. I too was told that we'd get a chance and she was working behind the scenes on legal papers while I clung to "hope".

Remember, believe none of what you hear and half of what you see. Actions are all that truly matter.

I do believe she wants to work on our M. It seems like it will be impossible for her to feel anything for me again. She has said so many hurtful things. She has never taken a personal shot at me, but saying she feels nothing for me and gets nothing out of this marriage hurts.

Has she shown any remorse at all for her activities with her three OM?

Did she indicate *why* she was choosing to work on the M? What does that actually mean to her? It sure sounds like there isn't much motivation for her doing so, so I expect that you will get the barest minimum from her as a result.

When I gave the option on D-Day, my FWW also told me that she will stay and "work on our M". It didn't take long for me to realize that what she likely meant at the time was she would continue to maintain the status quo, albeit with less contact with the OM, and the primary driving factor seemed to be risk of exposure of her activities and she wanted to do it "for the children".

She has shown remorse for what she has done a number of times. She has told me that she is sorry for doing this to us. That she met OM and her head got all screwed up. She has also told my sister that she has screwed up her life my meeting OM.

She knows how she got like this I just don't know if she really thinks she can get back to where we were.