You are correct, it doesn't work for everyone. Maybe, after 2 months of doing it 'nicely' it's time for hurtdad to hear 'rude' or 2x4's?

Maybe he needs to see he words 'your wife is lying' 'she's diddling another man' and it will piss him off enough to check?

I wish I was in his shoes getting this help when I was floundering around alone!

Denial is not a river in Egypt.

Some BS's come here not for advice but to hear that what they are doing is the best course for them.

To suspect an affair. Then to refuse to use a voice activated digital recorder. Or to get a cell phone with GPS and leave it hidden in their WS's car to know where their WS is. With real time GPS. Not to use a key logger.

Why come to MB?

It should only take a short time of posting on MB to realize that WS's will never hesitate to lie to keep their affair hidden and contining.

Have a keylogger on the computer. Check milage on vehicle daily. Trying to get throuth recovery. Just had a simple question as to what eveyones opinion on contacting OM is. I am doing everything else. No suspecting. She was caught in an EA. No evidence it was ever physical. We are working through it and doing fairly well.

Hi Dad,
It sounds to me like you are doing pretty good. If you want to contact him to see if he had any concerns about your family, or to see what in the world he was thinking when he was getting involved with your wife, or to just become a part of the entanglement (if only after the fact) to gain some control over what happened (after the fact, so impossible to gain control and part of BS fog),or to try to make him feel guilty for what he did, etc, etc---DON'T BOTHER. He will not give you any satisfaction and he will not give you any worthwhile information about any of the above questions. If the above list is where your head is at in contacting him, keep to "no contact"--just like your wife is keeping to "no contact".

If you really want to just vent and give him a piece of your mind with no expectation of getting any satisfaction from him---if you really WANT to do only this--you can consider doing it. But I really don't know if it is worth it.

If you want to try to get information from him, because you are still wondering about whether or not the affair was physical, you can carefully develop a plan to get information from him using some of the advise listed earlier on this thread. IMHO, if you still feel unsure if it was physical, and your wife denies that it was physical, you are not yet in recovery. I still think you are doing good, but you just might not yet be in recovery.

I think that a lie detector test would be a better way to go. I would hate to see you have to try to get this kind of info out of that creep. I would not want to see you play with that fire of giving him that sort of control over your relationship with your wife.

If you can cough up the money for the lie detector test, I would do that. I can understand why you would wonder whether or not it got physical. If I were you, I would wonder if there was kissing, hugging, hand holding, groping, or what that went on between them.

I hope I am not setting you back, but it seems to me that it is important that you know the truth. The truth keeps further discovery days from happening. More D days are hell for the BS.

Regards,

Hi Hurtdad,
Is this going to keep eating at you - to call him. If it is then just do it and be prepared (as your therapist said) for the OMs response.

G

Jeeze- here goes my 2 cents:

There are enough 2 x 4's at you right now. Sounds to me like YOU are using them on YOURSELF (don't feel bad- everyone tends to have beat themselves up when a trauma happens).

Give yourself some room right now. What would be the BEST POSSIBLE SCENARIO (for you) if you did call the jerk?.. The truth? (That means you believe he will tell it- I doubt it.)

I think it will only add another layer of lies, confusion, doubt and anger to your recovery. If recovery is your goal, you must proceed with caution. If you are even wondering if you want a recovery- this information may be helpful.

Some details are more harmful then helpful. You must decide for yourself what you are ready for.

take care

Hi Hurtdad,
Just curious if you made any decision on calling OM?

G

Personally, not talking for anyone else, I always try to be tactful. If that doesn't work - different story if the need seems great enough.

Good post, and accurate.

Larry

Tried calling OM got voice mail. Sent an email. Don't expect a reply. I feel better just sending it though.

I'm glad you feel better about it. Does you WW know you contacted OM?

Not yet. Going to tell her today. She has no problem with it though.

Honesty is important. From your earlier posts, I didn't get the impression she would have a problem with you calling OM. How is WW doing - is she out of the fog? Is she interested in posting here? I'm curious how she feels about leaving her job - what does she do with her time now? When I left my career I started to resent my H but my situation was different than yours is now. She did the right thing by leaving the cushy job.

G

hurtdad, you may have answered this question earlier, but do you live close to the OM?