I've been reading MB posts for the past few years. It's been 8 years and still no resolve. H was a self employed contractor. In 2000 I noticed some major changes in his behavior. I saw him drifting but he always said things were fine. He began a job for a woman and I didn't know who I was married to. I blamed it on the stress of his business and his long hours. This woman (lets call her Dee) lived in a well to do high rise. The very first thing I noticed is that when one of H employees said something about her, H would give him dirty look. She would always call the house phone instead of his cell, which was generally used for business. The few times that she called he would go in the other room to talk. I once walked in and he was laughing on the phone. I questioned him and he said it was nothing. One time she called on a Saturday afternoon and asked him to talk to a male friend of hers. She said her friend said she had alot of clothes and wanted to know waht my H thought. H wouldn't talk to her friend but was telling her she had as many clothes as Amelda Marcos has shoes. H laughed and kidded with her for about 10 min. I asked H what that was about and he said I don't know it was kind of weird. I asked why she called about the amount of her clothes, what does that have to do with you working for her? H responded by saying he changed some knobs on her closet and mentioned she should have taken her clothes out because he had a hard time changing them. On another Sat. He called her to tell her he was coming by to finsh the job. I heard him say "You don't have to leave on my account." and he then asked me why I thought she didn't want to be there. About 3 hours later she called and asked for my H. I told her he was supposed to be at her place finishing up the job. She told me she went up to a friends apartment and fell asleep. I told her to call H and she said he would be mad at her. IO called H to let him know she called and he asked me why did she call you? What did she say? Did she say anything else? He said he just pulled out of the lot and he wasn't going to park again. He was coming home.

Confronted him a few weeks later. Asked him if he was having affair and did he explode. He said it was insulting for me to ask him that question. I kept at him and he said he fantasized about her because he thought she was attractive. He told me the fantasy was sexual and she asked him to leave me and the kids and that she will make sure we are taken care of. When I asked why he was fantasize about her saying that H said "It came out of her mouth, I don't know why she said that?" I asked him what the heck he was talking about and he said he didn't want to think that what she said came out of his mind. When I asked what she looked like he said, "Her hair was perfect, her makeup was perfect and how she dressed was Perfect." 8 years later, everytime I ask him a question about her he gets upset. Things have been coming out in drips and drabs throughout these years. Always tells me there is nothing more to tell that I have the truth to find out there is still more. A week ago he said he wanted her. I asked why didn't he tell me 8 yuears ago and he said he kept lying to himself, he couldn't believe he wanted another woman. Yesterday I think he made a Freudian slip when he said, "I never thought I would cheat on you." But he said he didn't.

She has been in our lives much to long. I can't heal with new things constatly coming out. We have seen 3 different counselors but it does us no good if he can't be truthful to save our marriage. We have to start on a foundation of truth to rebuild trust but I'm realizing there are always more lies!

I'm ready to throw in the towel. I want the marriage to work but its hard not being able to trust. He keeps telling me to trust him. How?

By the way during this time H would kiss me on the forehead and wasn't interested in sex.

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No her initials are not BA

Your H has been in contact with this woman for the past 8 years? Why have you allowed this to continue to 8 years?

I don't think he has been in contact with her. He will try to show me has has changed but when her name comes up, he changes. I hear the anger in his voice and he will blame me for his anger. It's because I brought her up and he has nothing more to tell. He becomes a Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde if I bring her up because I had a trigger. It sounds like he did more then want her. I think more like had her and he doesn't want to talk about because he may slip.

If you heard "I never thought I would cheat on you." how would you take it?

I would take that as an admission of guilt.

He cheated if he said this.

HB3, it's clear that you cannot continue like this.

Here's my suggestion: ask your H to take a lie-detector test, with the offer that you will NEVER bring up the subject of that OW again if he agreed to the test and it turns out to be true that he did not have an A with that OW.

If he responds to your suggestion with more abuse, don't let it turn into an argument, but reply with something along the lines of "I'm hurt and upset because I'm being abused by you over something that is of great concern to me."

I guess I'm lost on why you are still talking about his EA/PA 8 yrs later and nothing has improved. If he offered little or no info and you basically let it go all this time, I think you either need to have it out once and for all and deal with his anger or reaction even if it's not what you want to hear or just let it be and stop bringing OW up. I'm not saying you should just get over it or that you don't deserve the truth but it sounds like you two have been playing cat and mouse for waaaayyy too long. All your behavior shows your H up until now is that he can deny something or tell you whatever tidbit he wants and you back down because you don't want him to be mad with you. Maybe I'm oversimplifing it but it sounds that way.

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I told him that I wanted a lie detector test last night. He said fine, you'll see I never had an affair. He told me there is only one question you need to ask, Did I touch anyone? I told him the person doing the test will ask the questions. I don't think he believes I will make him take the test. WRONG!!!!! Too many weird answers and conflicting stories. If all he did was want her in his mind then why lie. Why when asked what she looked like did he give me his personal opinion? When asked where he was that Sat for 3 hours when she called...I fell asleep in the lobby. PLEASE!!! Making the comment last night about cheating when he said he nver had a physical affair. I feel like I am going crazy. Nothing adds up. Everything points to guilt.

Great - take him up on his offer and make arrangements for the test. Don't let him draw you into a discussion about what's going to be asked.

You'll likely find that he comes "clean" before actually taking the test.

I would think he cheated with a PA not just an EA. I've known too many men that think anything less than sexual intercourse is not cheating. Kissing...not cheating. EA...not cheating. Bill Clinton's...I did not have sexual relations with that woman...riiiiight! Sorry, but when a man says he cheated, I think he cheated.

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Kiwi and Black Raven...
I know that this may not make sense to you. I do love him and I do want this marriage. I feel like I deserve the truth if he believes and wants a marriage based on a sturdy foundation because we are in quicksand right now. I also suppose selfishly, I would feel that I truly mean something to him. Both spouses need to be trustworthy to each other. If truth isn't there whether it be about the past or present neither is trust. If your asked about the past and lie how insignificant a spouse feels that she isn't woth that. I'm hoping for closure or I want out.

Just called H at work. Told him I called for a polygraph test and I have the cost and all info. Wanted to know what day I should make it for. He said fine and he will check his schedule at work so I can make appt. I felt stress in his voice and sadness.

It makes sense to me. I understand you love your H and want your marriage. I've been living with the fallout of my H's affair for the past 6 mos and it has been horrible. I'm rather new to MB, but have read stories where the truth of the A was not addressed for years. I personally can not imagine going round and round year after year with tiny bits and pieces being given to me. The past 2 months have improved greatly but I still struggle on a daily basis. The first 3 months was like hell on Earth. Heartbreak, I'm not sure what "closure" means to you. How much longer will you wait to get the answers you have? If he admits to cheating will that be enough or will you continue with more questions? Will you feel more resentment or relief?

Its been a very long and hard road. An A, no matter what type, is done selfishly on the part of what the WS wants and the BS has no significance while he is making his choices. I suppose his choices in the present are the same when it comes to the subject of this woman. WS is being as selfish as at the time of affair. There is no relief for the BS but selfish secrecy of the WS. The resentment I feel is that of the lies. I guess I may be hoping for miracles, but miracles do happen. I just don't know if it will happen before i throw in the towel.