Wifes inheritance bought house we live in. No mortgage.
Husband had back debt of 15yrs checks were being wage assignement wife took loan on hse and paid it off. Now husband has full check and doesn't have to worry ever of his checks, social security or unemployment ever touched.
Now he wants name on title, and is demanding or he will leave the marriage and this will end up in divorce court.

Wife has obligation to pass inheritence on to other family members. H verbally abuses wife and uses manipulation to make her feel guilty (greedy and selfish). Husband has change $$ accounts around, wife name not on them, holds back $$ as form of retaliation. Wife becomes emotional wreck with all this.
Doesn't know truth from lie anymore. Feeling forced to go against family obligations.
What can I do?

Oh, Justpeace...welcome to Marriage Builders...

Sounds to me like you're in a world of pain and fear right now, and probably a lot of anger.

I'm so glad you found this website.

Please read the articles on this website--being with the Basic Concepts and keep going until you reach the four rules of marriage. If what you read resonates within you, please consider calling the Harleys for a consulation. May be the best, most direct way to get answers you can use. Their number is above under "Coaching Center".

Do not be afraid of divorce. I rarely say that, btw. Your H is making a Selfish Demand (SD) which is a whopping big Love Buster (LB). That's gonna hurt. Kicks in your fear at being abandoned, used, taken advantage of...do yourself a favor and breathe. Take slow deep breaths, in and out, to get back your focus. It's a threat. Threats do that to us. You're normal. You're okay.

Read about what money (Financial Security - FS) represents as an Emotional Need (EN) to help you understand better what your H may be actually saying. Sounds all simple and broken down for you right now...it's more complex. Take your time and learn.

You're not alone.

How long have you been married? What are the ages of your children, if any?

You are feeling a lot of emotions right now...primarily of fear...don't react to it. Focus on learning, finding the help that is here and understanding. Go for clarity as your first step. Then the rest of them will be solid, 'k?

LA

Thank you for your response.
Im so grateful someone is reaching out to me. I feel so alone and inadequate to make any decisions of my life and future right now. I am being expected to make a decision because of an ultimatium, and fear is trying to control me,but my intuition is telling me to be cautious. I can't even trust my thinking any more. Do you understand what Im trying to say? I can't do this. I don't know which way to turn, I don't who to trust. I thought I was doing good and being responsible in what has been given to me, was this a blessing or a curse? Im so confused. Whose my friend, who loves me? All I basically have is my son and his family,I have no real true friends, I just have not been able to connect since living here for 6 yrs with church friends (it turned out to be a gossip group and just clicks, I just have not fit in any where). Husband has switched churches says he doesn't get fed. But yet he never goes on reg basis (sometimes its his work schedule)but when not working sometimes he doesn't go (he is always tired), we never seem to get involved. I get on fire and then he cools me off (i cool off too because of inferoity complex, I feel I just don't belong, everyone seems to know each other and has their friends for years and there just is no room for me.

Im literally going crazy and in such GREAT turmoil. I have been married 11yrs, we have been together for 16yrs. I am 57 yrs old and unemployed (I babysit for my son and they pay me me to help me out). I have a son from a previous marriage, and 2 grand kids. My husband has 3 boys, that he didn't see for 15 yrs, (wife ran and hid them but I have since learned that she was afraid of him and his anger, there was domestic violence in there marriage this is another story) I learned alot of the other side when H was reunited with boys. I never saw this anger in 9yrs (no hint)he was a good husbnd and so giving, then when boys came into picture, I needed to give money for lawyers and pay off ex wife, it all started coming out. His boys started trying to invade us, wanting to come live with us. I was afraid I didn't know them, told husband take one day at a time to get to know them. (His emotions were running and to make it short, I became the bad guy in all of it). One son came to live with us (this was a guilt force issue on me, so I had no real choice) bottom line that son caused problems, was playing Dad and I against each other more strife in the house, I told him he had to leave. (this was after I had left my hse for a few hrs and came back and said he needs to leave I can't take no more of this. Son raised his hand to hit me, (my husband standing right there not even a foot away watching all this, he did not come to my support at all). After all was over and son left. (of course I was the bad guy and guilt ridden) My husband told me I needed to apologize to his son. i expressed my opinion on that one, which he didn't like.

My husband wanted this debt off of him (with 3 lawyers and pay off wife $38,000.(when I bought hse I did mention we would get the monkey off his back, well he held me to it (anger, forceful, down right maniac, you give me the money, you OWE it to me). I had emotional break down (not medical). His anger is scarry and forceful and becomes very verbally abusive when things don't go his way. I have been told I am selfish and greedy. Out of fear I have told him I would put name on title, but deep down inside I just don't think it is wise, I could lose it all (sell the farm) my other family members are very concerned what he will emotionally push me into doing (could be big mistake).
He is very very jealous of my son, (maybe because of our bond) and he wants that with his boys but too many years have passed.
I in 9 yrs never saw this side of him, this hse thing has changed him into a whole different person. It is hard for us to talk about these things without blaming me, (always pointing finger at me, its always what Im doing), he does say sorry for being mean to me but he doesn't go into detail it doesn't feel like he is really sincere,it just sounds like thats what he has to say to feel justified with in himself I can just feelthat its not sincere (Im leary)and know it will come up again just like always, and once again after weeks of silent treatment then just doing things again, go out eat, maybe a garage sale, etc then things are back to normal??. This is how it goes, its never really dealt with.

In those arguing times, he is verbally throwing stuff out there like hitting me with huge bolders just knocking me down and beating me down into the ground with painful words, and accusations that Im greedy, Im selfish, all I care about is my family, on and on, screaming at me, you b----, you had insecurites when I met you, you want it all, your no wife, etc. Im crying, shaking, and so beside myself from this verbal beating, Im starting to believe it, but I fight it. Do you know what I mean?
Then he goes on and starts treating me nice again, and life goes on like nothing ever happened or hurtful things were said. I have always just gone on hoping it would some day get better and we would talk.

Well, after a year of this, Im tired and so mixed up, I don't even know what I believe any more. I have played this verbal abuse game with him too long, I cannot get intimate with him, there is just too much wrong and it has not been dealt with, its just getting worse. He refuses counseling doesn't see where it would help or do anything. He says its just the hse, if I put his name on title everything will be fine. I have been told to sell hse (mkt is not good right now, but I feel why should I have to do that, this is why my parents blessed me so that I would always and my childeren would have a roof over our heads. This is all I have for security. Husband has been on job for 16 yrs, he has good retirement and good 401k. He is set. If we divorce all I have is my hse and a little 401k from previous job. He gets on title he could divorce me and be set for his future, why Im on the street. My parents must be turning over in their graves with all this. (He served me to do it yurself blank divorce papers last year, maybe this was a threat to scare me, Im not sure, but I ripped them up and told him if he wants divorce to go get a lawyer and do it right.............

I tried to read my bible daily and my devotions and I just can't hear God clearly on this. Im getting confused with scripture.
Some say just put him on hse, God says to honor your husband, forget what your parents said or your obligation to the family
.
I Can't afford counselig, pastor says I must bring peace to my household ( I look at this as, if I put him on title that would bring peace, but for how long? and is his motive to divorce me?) then what next a loan and then we would fight about that. The Pastor I spoke with doesn't keep in touch he is too busy with missions, etc. All these fears I have and Im so insecure. Son says let H move out, he will move in and help me with hse to keep it in the family.
Do I do this?

I feel ALL this is my fault, my FAULT and husband is innocent.

Everything is just one big mess, and I don't know how to fix it, I've lost feeling for my husband, he is not the person I married.
I thought marrying a Christian marriage would be alot different, this is not a Christian marriage. Christ is not honored by all this.
Im lost, in the dark and don't know how to get my bearings back.

Do you understand all that Im feeling, will I ever be able to get back to normalacy??????
I know this is alot. But I need to show you my perspective on things so that you can see how much turmoil Im in and need help to sort all this out.

Is God disciplining me, what could he possibly be wanted me to learn out of all this????? HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

JP,

I'm really glad to know you feel reached for. God never stops reaching.


I do understand and remember feeling alone, inadequate, wrong, fear-filled and distrustful of my thinking. That was before I learned I chose to feel alone by choosing to believe I was; choosing to believe I was inadequate and wrong gave myself that feeling; so there was a real reason to distrust my thinking.

You can do this. You are inherently powerful...you make your choices every single day which gives you your own life experience. No one can make you choose...and yes, sure can feel like others have you over a barrel. Our brains cannot tell fantasy from reality...so we can experience something as real when it isn't.

Seems real to us. Really trapped. We aren't.

First, you do know who to trust...trust God's design of humans...study and learn about our power and limits, how our minds work, where our feelings come from and what they are for...the very act of learning builds trust in yourself. It's an act of love if you choose to really see it as one.

We choose our actions and our feelings follow. Most of us grow up believing and living from the reverse...we feel therefore we act. That's backwards. It's why it works, works, works and then doesn't work. Reaches the end of the fantasy.

You have inherited money. You did so without built-in provisions for how it will be spent and handed down, is that correct? You know you want to hand the bulk of it down, with some boundaries?

Could be you've felt God's hand on you...nudging you to learn about healthy boundaries (part of his design) and boundary enforcements. He may have brought you this lesson several times before...could be right now, in as much pain, distrust and confusion as you are experiencing right now, you're finally read to receive. What do you think?

It takes what it takes.

Time for you to be your own best friend and to love yourself as God created you...which is whole, complete and marvelously made from love.

There's a huge ego involved in your inferiority complex...being the worst person in the world (feeling that way) is identical to believing you are the very best person in the world...and I don't believe you have a complex...you choose to believe what you believe.

You can choose differently. Would God really make some people superior or inferior to others? Is that how you would make your cherished son, create your children differently, empowering some over others? I don't think so. I think you would do as God did, from love, and make them all equal...though they may well experience themselves as broken, defective, full of holes.

There is always room for you...because though we are made separately, we are part of the whole, too. We always belong. We sure don't experience life as if we are...and we aren't told we are equal to everyone, especially while growing up.

Remains true.

This is your second marriage...how long did your first marriage last and why did it end? This is important...not to blame or judge...to know and see patterns...to see where your beliefs did or did not change...to give yourself attention and understanding.

I hear you saying you didn't know your H could act out his anger until the last two years...I'm hearing you say you were unprepared for this change in him from the previous 9 years of marriage, is that correct? How have you handled your own feelings, your anger, your son's anger? Do you know what anger signals? Where it comes from? If you did, do you think H's anger would be as frightening to you?

Sounded like you enforced a boundary around your own behavior when your stepson was acting up one day...and you removed yourself for a few hours, came back calm and stated your desire for him to move out. Is this regularly one of your predetermined, progressive boundary enforcements...so you won't act out your feelings, and if you do, you'll hold yourself to amending. When you hold to your enforcements, you'll feel protected, respected (because when you act from respect, you feel it), and you won't be thrown by others' acting out their anger, either...you have enforcements in place to keep you safe.

Key to respect is to state, not demonstrate. Which is counter to how we grew up...before we had words, we literally had to act out what we needed, our way of communicating...nothing broken about that...and in times of great fear or pain, we tend to go back to that place...until we practice staying present in our adult selves.

Did you choose to believe in bad guy/good guy in your first marriage, as well?


Recognizing your power comes in tiny choices...one of which is shaping your words with ownership. You are choosing right now to be employed by your DS (dear son) and DIL (daughter-in-law) as daycare provider for your grandchildren.

To rephrase above..."I feel scared and pressured when H is angry. I believe he verbally abuses me with disrespectful judgments (DJs - defining who you are instead of addressing your actions), raises his voice, uses mockery and sarcastic tones (AO's), makes selfish demands (SDs) which are ultimatums. I also fear my own abusiveness...for I DJ him in my head and aloud...I tell him what is what, stating my opinion as fact. I demean in this way, and sometimes I yell, too, when I don't feel heard."

These are all Love Busters...for every 20 deposits you make in meeting your partner's Emotional Needs (ENs), you wipe them out with one LB. Just one. Wow. No wonder marriage can seem like a rollercoaster ride, eh? And we LB in our own thoughts, too, when we make assumptions...oh, he does/thinks/feels that when I don't agree with him...wipes out your own love bank and harms your marriage. One thought, an assumption, changes the way you experience life. Amazing to me.

Causes great turmoil...because you're seeing what's being done to you, coming in at you, as if pain, fear and anger is coming in from the outside...instead of in you, about you, from you, to signal you about what you're doing, too. When we get clear on reality, turmoil disappears.

If you choose to, you can make clarity your highest goal right now...to see clearly what you do and don't do...where you harm yourself and others...define your own code of conduct, choose your beliefs and act from them...and then see what your experience becomes.

All within your power by God's design. Has been your responsibility all along, even though it hasn't been your experience. It's not all or nothing...end the marriage or have a smooth one...be perfect to get perfect. Just becoming centered in your power and understanding of your limits (you cannot be the cause, control or cure for any other human) changes everything.

Old boundary: If I make a promise I keep it.
Healthy New Boundary: If I make a bad promise I don't keep it. Same boundary as - If I don't agree with doing something, I don't lie and say "okay." That betrays me, my partner, and everyone else.

Are you saying you bought the marital house with your inheritance and your H's name is not on the deed along with yours? Did you check out legally if it is considered a marital asset in the state you reside in now? When you purchased it as your own, thinking of it as part of the inheritance to pass on, or more like meeting H's EN for FS?

You can not be pushed into anything...when you know you choose, you won't feel pushed. When you believe you can be pushed, made, controlled...then that will be your experience.

Would you consider your H may fear you dumping him off with nothing? Using him and discarding him? He might crave some financial investment, something for you to lose if you leave, because he doesn't believe you would feel loss of just him.

And you would. And he would of you, too. Each other's presence is more powerful than money. I promise. When we don't treat presence as important, powerful...then we fear more. We do that. Not others to us.

Are you saying you've used your inheritance to pay off $38k of legal bills and obligations for your H? You chose to pay his legal stuff from the divorce and custody costs, and you chose to pay off his exW what he owed her, is that correct?

Would you consider we all change over nine years...we go from the first stage of marriage where we show each other only our best self images(infatuation) into the second stage, showing all of our self-images, beautiful, okay and ugly? We are not the result of one change (that's what I hear you saying that having his sons back in his life after nine years is causing his changes)...we are complex and live that way...lots of reasons for our reactions changing...even to the point we no longer choose to react.

So if we don't change from just one thing...one thing will not fix everything, will it? I think that's the signal you're getting inside yourself when he says to put his name also on the title of the house and then he'll treat you well again. Won't be true, will it? For each of you mistreat the other, for different reasons, all of which are your own.

The Policy of Joint Agreement (POJA) is that neither of you agree to do something without both being ENTHUSIASTIC about it...read about it and understand that the house is a POJA item...and there are lots of ideas if you brainstorm. Could be that you offer to put his name on the house after 25 years married...or you agree to put in a trust a certain dollar amount for his sons...or...or...brainstorm together...find out what his EN really is...what are his symbols...and divine your own...so you guys can experience your marriage as partners instead of enemies.

Reality is that you are partners. Sure can feel as if you are not.

With inheritance, figure out what portion you truly believe is yours and yours alone...and what is to be safeguarded and to whom on the passing down. Again, clarity is the issue...clear on your intent, your vision, your stuff. Then you can be clear on what is joint, mutual, part of the marriage, your half of the marriage...for you can be no more and no less than half of your partnership, though you can sure experience that as if you are more or less.

Btw, part of the reason I read your post was because I grew up with a stepmother who had inherited money and it was a conflict point in my parents' marriage, again and again. Not just one thing...it split apart her family of origin (FOO), her marriage...and I drew a lot of unreal beliefs from watching the complex issues contained within it, from my childish point of view. Very real heartache, terror, anger, resentment, entitlement and lack of respect involved. You can choose differently.

Would you consider asking your H if he feel envy, not jealousy, in regards to your relationship with his stepson? Envy is wanting the same as someone else has...maybe wanting a relationship with similar to the close one you have with your son; or wanting a similar relationship with his own sons. Jealousy is wanting what someone else has and for them NOT to have it.

There's an important difference between them and what they signal in us.

Why do you choose to participate in his silent treatment, btw?

Your presence is important...it matters. When you feel verbal boulders knocking you down, state the boundary crossing aloud. If he continues, state the boundary crossing and that you are removing yourself for 20 minutes until the actual drugs released in your body from fear and anger subside so you can hear him clearly and respectfully. Remove yourself and calm yourself...choose reality--what he says is about him, even if he says it's about you, 'k? Reorient and return, as promised. Third boundary crossing (if he continues LBing), you state the boundary crossing and that you are removing yourself for three hours (leave the house) and what time you'll return to the discussion. Make sure you leave and make sure you return.

Fourth one can be a 24-hour wait time to recenter yourself or a call to the police. You don't decide these at the time of abuse...you do so before...you determine them now, with a clear and objective head...and you make sure you state what you will do if he chooses to continue.

Those boulders become pebbles really fast.

Up to you to know and understand the boundary crossings...and since you DJ, you may not hear his DJs as crossings...if you yell, you may only feel the boulders and not be able to pinpoint what's really generating them (tone, facial expressions, body language including hand gestures)...you gotta discern and know in order to enforce...and when you are doing the abuse, to catch yourself, state and remove, too, because when you do this to others, you'll feel anger, fear and pain, too...and also, when you're doing it to yourself.

Clarity, not perfection...not earning respect or love...acting from it by choice. Aligns with who you really are, God's creation. Does not attempt to control, stop, change, make or cause him or others...you do this because it's your responsibility to yourself and others.

When you share your own stuff, use "I" statements...for within his verbal abuse is his truth...delivered in an unacceptable way (acted out), okay when stated. Had he said, "I see you as selfish when I tell you what I feel and you tell me not to feel that way." That's not abusive. That's his stuff with ownership. Healthy. May still hurt in you...doesn't mean he's abusing you, 'k?

Takes discernment, not judgment. His judgements of you may really hurt because you judge yourself in much the same way...and if you do that, be assured you're judging others, too. So you choose to focus on understand what's his, not yours, to know, not to judge...and then you'll experience connecting through conflict instead of disconnecting.

Did you sign a prenuptial agreement when you married H#2? I ask because you will not only have the house and your little 401k if you choose to divorce...more likely, you will be entitled to half his 401K or a little less (balancing out his half of yours), his assets, too...split down the middle. Were you widowed in your first marriage? It's an act of respect and honesty for you to find out the laws regarding divorce in your state...do this so you understand what is affected by your decisions, and what myths you might have in your head causing you to fear and react to your fear (can be paralyzing at times when it gets high enough).

Great to know that you tore up the divorce papers last year. I say this because you chose to stand for your marriage. You do not have to comply or help him to divorce you. I'm asking you to learn what the facts are versus what you've heard, thought or guessed.

And he didn't divorce you.

Yes, I know what you mean about being verbally torn to threads. I know it from doing it to my DH. I came to MB and discovered just how toxic I was...so when you read my words, understand I relate more to your H right now...and as a child, definitely to you...before I knew I choose my beliefs, my perception, thoughts and perspective--before I knew my power and responsibility. I know what it is to be defined to the ground...and then I did that as an adult to my sons, my DH, to those I loved the most...because I was taught that was love...how you loved. Love was control.

And I'm very sorry, to this day, part of my amends is to share with you what I did, why I did it, how and why I won't do it again...doesn't excuse one second of terror or pain...just explains. And I hope it helps. We pass it down, generation to generation, until we stop. I stopped. Wasn't who I really was, anyway--certainly was what I did.

You were looking for new friends in your new place...and you sought them out at church. In your town, you could choose to find Alanon meetings and attend them...it's a great place to learn about respect, love, acceptance, and God's design of humans. You can even get a sponsor to talk with as you do the 12 steps...it was part of my changes, along with MB and MC, which really helped me. A place where you discover over time you were already loved when you walked in the door.

For we are loved, JP...all the time...before a word is spoken or an action taken.

This is bringing your peace to your half of the marriage...bringing who you really are...it's telling your H your truth, "I'm working on the house issue right now and I have some questions for you. I'm learning about communication tools I didn't know existed, though, so I can hear your answers differently. I love you."

We share with ownership, we search to know ourselves and know our partners...that's acting from intimacy...so we feel intimate as a result.

Let your heart be lighter right now, JP. You've got the hands to pick up and use new tools, make new choices, and see better where God was reaching for you all along. Clearing out the noise (going for clarity not a magical fix) is the key to everything. I promise.

Figure out your highest priority...when we put our marriages first, then we are both in the top stop...there's you, your H and The Marriage...and you can honor The Marriage even when you struggle with not wanting to honor H.

You have been in crisis for over a year...that's too long in the extreme...I'm really glad you're here and posting. Please continue to do so.

Doing so is an act of love for your marriage and yourself. You'll begin to have loving feelings again because you choose to read and post, consider and act from a new place in you.

Breathe and focus on your breath to recenter yourself...in the stillness, Christ reaches us...you're not alone, crazy, bad or broken, JP...you're right where God can touch and hold you...and realize he always has.

LA

Thank You LA for your reply.
I do appreciate you reply. My conprehension isn't the greatest and I did have a hard time understanding alot of what you were talking about.


Quote:I do understand and remember feeling alone, inadequate, wrong, fear-filled and distrustful of my thinking. That was before I learned I chose to feel alone by choosing to believe I was; choosing to believe I was inadequate and wrong gave myself that feeling; so there was a real reason to distrust my thinking.

I don't feel I have chosen to be alone, I really feel as if I am. I have reached out to so many ppl about this. Ppl I thought were my friends, (they are no where to be found today, they just don't know what to say, they one minute don't agree with husband, but then they don't want to see marriage end so they say sell the farm).
Trusting in God, I don't know how to hear his voice clearly.
I lately have become more confused when I read his Word, so I stopped, everything is just so confusing right now (I feel like Im on a merry go round).

Husband seems completely satisfied that we don't talk, we really don't have much of a relationship anymore it is slowly desinagrating (since the last blow out, verbal abuse and I have completely emotionally detached myself from him, Im tired of being hurt. He is not a talker and Im sure he is hurt too. He has demanded what he wants and I feel is just waiting for me to come to him with my decision which is: put him on title or he leaves (divorce) that was his last words. But since then he has taken me to breakfast............... bought me vitamins and new clothes because we joined a gym. I know this is his way of saying he still cares, then we start talking (of course avoiding the issue we fought about) and life goes on. this is when I start feeling guilty, selfish, and greedy (like he accuses me of being. (But Im not happy with this because there is has been no sincere apology made, and it gets swept under the carpet until the issue comes up again). Do you understand? There is no communication on his part, I have mentioned counseling and he refuses it. HE SEES NO PROBLEMS IN MARRIAGE EXCEPT FOR HSE.
The bedroom scene has slowly been depleting (he can't recognize there is something wrong, I don't communicate my inner thoughts with him anymore, he can't recognize that he ruined that.
He says"Oh, I see you don't talk with me anymore, I say "No, because when I do share you use it against me in the next argument we have and that hurts me so I will not allow you to hurt me in that way anymore". He seems to be fine with that.


Quote:You can do this. You are inherently powerful...you make your choices every single day which gives you your own life experience. No one can make you choose...and yes, sure can feel like others have you over a barrel.Where am I powerful?

yes, choices I make daily are not this complex. Yes, I feel he is making me choose because he gave me ultimatium. (Its very clear)


Quote:Our brains cannot tell fantasy from reality...so we can experience something as real when it isn't.
Seems real to us. Really trapped. We aren't.

Pls explain the above what you mean here. I feel that what I am experienceing is VERY REAL. Not sure what you mean fantasy and thinking its real but its not.

Quote:First, you do know who to trust...trust God's design of humans...study and learn about our power and limits, how our minds work, where our feelings come from and what they are for...the very act of learning builds trust in yourself. It's an act of love if you choose to really see it as one.Im not into psychology, and right now I don't have the mental capacity to study and learn about our power and limits, how our minds work. I believe I know where my feelings come from current and past experiences. I have learned from too many bad choices can't trust in self at this time.

Don't understand what you are stating here.
[We choose our actions and our feelings follow. Most of us grow up believing and living from the reverse...we feel therefore we act. That's backwards. It's why it works, works, works and then doesn't work. Reaches the end of the fantasy

Quote:You have inherited money. You did so without built-in provisions for how it will be spent and handed down, is that correct? You know you want to hand the bulk of it down, with some boundaries

Yes, I inherited $$, Parents request I purchase home and that I hand down and keep in the family if not home the $$$. I call this built-in provisions. Boundary has been set. Kids will get right off the top $$ that purchased the home. Husband says ok, we will split equity of home in half, his children get his half and a trust will be made up and he will be put on title.
This was all fine with me, until I started finding out this is difficult to put on paper (will) and him on title of hse (dangerous), he is argumentive (strong, forceful, manipulating) putting him on title could be future problem, he is smart in being deceptive. 1. He could divorce me, and 1/2 would automatically be his This would be irresponsible on my part not carrying out my parents wishes. (I fear this because of his actions this past year(the change in him)messing with checking account, holding back $$ from me to the point that I could not buy groceries, or put gas in my car, etc.)

Quote:Could be you've felt God's hand on you...nudging you to learn about healthy boundaries (part of his design) and boundary enforcements. He may have brought you this lesson several times before...could be right now, in as much pain, distrust and confusion as you are experiencing right now, you're finally read to receive. What do you think?


Yes, this could be true. But Im having trouble making wise choice on those boundaries and go about making it legal. Yes, I believe I have been here before (but couldn't they also be WARNINGS?? I don't know what to do with this............

It takes what it takes.

Quote: Time for you to be your own best friend and to love yourself as God created you...which is whole, complete and marvelously made from love. [/color]


I feel Iam trying to be my best friend Im alone in this. That is when I start thinking of my H words, selfish, greedy, etc.


Quote: There's a huge ego involved in your inferiority complex...being the worst person in the world (feeling that way) is identical to believing you are the very best person in the world...and I don't believe you have a complex...you choose to believe what you believe.

don't quite understand what this ego stuff means, pls explain in layman terms.


Quote: You can choose differently. Would God really make some people superior or inferior to others? Is that how you would make your cherished son, create your children differently, empowering some over others? I don't think so. I think you would do as God did, from love, and make them all equal...though they may well experience themselves as broken, defective, full of holes.
Well, I have never really thought much of myself ( Imean there have been times in my life when I did and got by with thinking I was doing ok, don't get me wrong. But most of the time I believe what ppl have said about me, your not so smart, your slow learner (thats a hinderance in the job mkt, your dumb, ugly, etc.


Quote:There is always room for you...because though we are made separately, we are part of the whole, too. We always belong. We sure don't experience life as if we are...and we aren't told we are equal to everyone, especially while growing up.
Remains true.


I feel at this point and from experience, I don't fit in with church ppl. Bible says to love, encourage, pray, build each other up, if a brother or sister is struggling come up along side of them and encourage and build them up. I have not experienced this, it starts a little and then fizzles out.
Don't hear from them anymore. I have reached out for a mentor, no luck. Go to bible studies and try to connect ( I see others go to the rescue of a hurting sister (not me) what ever I put out there its the same (we will pray for you), never any phone calls: how are you doing, are you okay, etc. When I see them the next week in bible study nothing is asked or said to me about it.
In home groups, after bible study everyone gets chatting with their long time friends (click) and you are there eating your dessert sitting on the couch by yourself, there is no compassion in these groups for me (don't mean to sound self centered), but I constantly see ppl reaching out to others, but when I need it, it no where to be found. This has given me inferoity complex (I just don't fit in and see this time after time HURTS me, so to avoid the hurt I withdraw)


Quote:This is your second marriage...how long did your first marriage last and why did it end? This is important...not to blame or judge...to know and see patterns...to see where your beliefs did or did not change...to give yourself attention and understanding


What are your creditials? Are you moderator or counselor?
My last marriage lasted 7 1/2 yrs. Financial problems, husband lost job making good $$$ and got job making much less $$. Couldn't continue his hobbies and wanted to move back home with parents. He was a good man (provider), I want to put this gently because he was a good man. He was an alcholic, couldn't handle pressures of taking care of family didn't want responsiblity, (he made me handle everything the boss, just like this marriage)ex husband just followed he had no back bone (what momma said was very important to him. Fighting ended up a silent treatment (just like now), I was a whole different person back then, I saw my mistakes and contol issues and I have fought with myself to go back being that person again.


Quote: I hear you saying you didn't know your H could act out his anger until the last two years...I'm hearing you say you were unprepared for this change in him from the previous 9 years of marriage, is that correct? How have you handled your own feelings, your anger, your son's anger? Do you know what anger signals? Where it comes from? If you did, do you think H's anger would be as frightening to you?


Not sure what your asking here. No my husband was layed back and easy going for 9 yrs. No, I was not prepared for this change in him. I used to argue with him,then when calmed down explain and apologize for treating him hurtfully I would share my intimate inner self with him , and he somewhat superficially did the same but in sharing he would hold back (this always troubled me) then he would promise not to do it again. But the next fight he would bring all my inner thoughts that I shared with him and turn on me with them (verbal abuse). This started happening quite a bit so I eventually stopped sharing and now I don't share any of my inner intimate thoughts with him (I don't have to allow him to hurt me anymore so I don't.) I use self control with my anger (unless he has been on me and on me and pressure and pressure, then I come up, but Im very careful with my words I don't strike out to hurt him, I try to stay focused on what the argument is about. Although there is alot going on in my mind and I want to say so many things to him truth how he is acting, truth that he is immature for being 50, truth that he a contoller and a verbal abuser, etc. BUT, I don't I work very hard at restraining from hurting him deeply. My son's anger? I don't know what you mean by this, my son does not live with us, we have no children living with us. My son and I get along very well.


Quote:Sounded like you enforced a boundary around your own behavior when your stepson was acting up one day...and you removed yourself for a few hours, came back calm and stated your desire for him to move out. Is this regularly one of your predetermined, progressive boundary enforcements...so you won't act out your feelings, and if you do, you'll hold yourself to amending. When you hold to your enforcements, you'll feel protected, respected (because when you act from respect, you feel it), and you won't be thrown by others' acting out their anger, either...you have enforcements in place to keep you safe.

No, not normally. But I just couldn't take anymore that time I was so shocked and felt so betrayed by husband that he had just stood there and allow his son to talk to me in that way (in my mind he has shown me disrespect and I was no longer important in his life now that he had his kids. I had no where to go and ended up in a parking crying my eyes out and in great turmoil. This I don't think would work on a regular basis he wouldn't get a clue, it really has no effect on husband if I did this. When I come back its just silent treatment for days, weeks, etc. We never talk about the issue for a long time. Then it comes up in a fight later down the road, and here we go again................My theroy is not a habit of leaving (I figue why, it will still be here when i get back unsolved, sometimes I just go in the other room after he follows me and verbally attacks me a few more times, he eventually leaves me alone, HE LIKES TO ALWAYS AND HAS TO HAVE THE LAST WORD.

Key to respect is to state, not demonstrate. Which is counter to how we grew up...before we had words, we literally had to act out what we needed, our way of communicating...nothing broken about that...and in times of great fear or pain, we tend to go back to that place...until we practice staying present in our adult selves.

Did you choose to believe in bad guy/good guy in your first marriage, as well?

A) Yes, I was much younger and looked at things differently, back then I had to have all control (I have been working on that in this marriage, don't want all control I want to share it in the right way. Years later I realizie he wasn't a bad guy, just didn't want to work on marriage issues, because it was better to go back home (no responsiblities he don't have to deal with, marriage, no rent, bills, etc.

Quote:His anger is scarry and forceful and becomes very verbally abusive when things don't go his way. I have been told I am selfish and greedy. Out of fear I have told him I would put name on title, but deep down inside I just don't think it is wise, I could lose it all (sell the farm) my other family members are very concerned what he will emotionally push me into doing (could be big mistake).
He is very very jealous of my son, (maybe because of our bond) and he wants that with his boys but too many years have passed.


your quote:
To rephrase above..."I feel scared and pressured when H is angry. I believe he verbally abuses me with disrespectful judgments (DJs - defining who you are instead of addressing your actions), raises his voice, uses mockery and sarcastic tones (AO's), makes selfish demands (SDs) which are ultimatums. I also fear my own abusiveness...for I DJ him in my head and aloud...I tell him what is what, stating my opinion as fact. I demean in this way, and sometimes I yell, too, when I don't feel heard."

I no longer yell, it just turns into a blame game, I state the fact of my concerns why I have not gone forward, I state his actions of deception, lying, and bringing mis trust into marriage, I state that it concerns me of what his motives are to the point of verbally abusing me, and verbally forcing me into a corner to make this decision in his favor. Im tired of fighting. I just want to talk and try to understand his points and I want him to understand mine as well, I have told him I want to talk about this in a mature way without the blaming game (on his part, and him constantly pointing finger at me and not acknowledging his faults) we never talk about his faults when I get too close he immediately reverses it on me. So I have given up after many many tries of maturely talking about this and putting it all on the table. It has always ended up in a heated argument on his part (he cannot talk about this maturely, and without blame, I have tried different ways of going about it this it always ends up the same. When I do try to bring it up and try again to talk. His anger comes forth, more verbal abuse, more threats. IM TIRED, WORE OUT, I HAVE RAN OUT OF DIFFERENT THINGS TO TRY.............................Yes, these are all LB, I can see that. Husband doesn't get into learning about marriage.

If I might add. We watch Christian progaming (mainly). There is this program I watch daily, well they were talking a bout marriage and all the pros and cons. They had guests on their show to share how God had brought them back from almost divorcing,they had gone to seminars to gain tools to work on their marriage. They were talking about things like
Dr. Harleys basic concepts. Man, I turned that volume up so high
I wanted my husband to hear this (I feel the Lord was talking to both of us through this program) well for my husband it went in one ear and out the other. Nothing was ever commented on what this guests had to say. That has also been the case in church services where things are mentioned and he never wants to talk about it.............So go figure.................

These are all Love Busters...for every 20 deposits you make in meeting your partner's Emotional Needs (ENs), you wipe them out with one LB. Just one. Wow. No wonder marriage can seem like a rollercoaster ride, eh? And we LB in our own thoughts, too, when we make assumptions...oh, he does/thinks/feels that when I don't agree with him...wipes out your own love bank and harms your marriage. One thought, an assumption, changes the way you experience life. Amazing to me.

Quote:Causes great turmoil...because you're seeing what's being done to you, coming in at you, as if pain, fear and anger is coming in from the outside...instead of in you, about you, from you, to signal you about what you're doing, too. When we get clear on reality, turmoil disappears.

That is exactly my point, I don't know reality about this issue right now. Clarity????? What is that, how do I get clarity????
Are these signals your talking in me telling me I should give him what he wants? Please specify what you mean.......

Quote:If you choose to, you can make clarity your highest goal right now...to see clearly what you do and don't do...where you harm yourself and others...define your own code of conduct, choose your beliefs and act from them...and then see what your experience becomes.

Okay, I need help here. How does one go about doing this? Clarity????? Heck, I just want to get along, work out the differences in love and be respected in my confusion and I wish my husband had compassion.



Quote:All within your power by God's design. Has been your responsibility all along, even though it hasn't been your experience. It's not all or nothing...end the marriage or have a smooth one...be perfect to get perfect. Just becoming centered in your power and understanding of your limits (you cannot be the cause, control or cure for any other human) changes everything.

Old boundary: If I make a promise I keep it.
Healthy New Boundary: If I make a bad promise I don't keep it. Same boundary as - If I don't agree with doing something, I don't lie and say "okay." That betrays me, my partner, and everyone else.

What does this above mean, I don't understand what you are saying. Please explain (Im sorry but things have to be put simple for me to be able to understand (comprehension isn't one of my strengths)



Are you saying you bought the marital house with your inheritance and your H's name is not on the deed along with yours? Did you check out legally if it is considered a marital asset in the state you reside in now? When you purchased it as your own, thinking of it as part of the inheritance to pass on, or more like meeting H's EN for FS?

We did not put husbands name on hse because of back debt with kids, it was a risk to do it. County could take hse. So he signed off on all liability. (Im thinking maybe God allowed this to happen? because husband is quick to mention divorce these days. So Im thinking this could have been the lord protecting me from husband getting control of hse and taking it away from me. in calif it is not considered marital asset (he signed off, and the fact that inheritence $$ was rolled over from parents hse to my title company. This was my inheritence, agreed to pay off husband debt, when debt paid off would put H name on hse. (But that was before I knew the consequences it would have. I had just buried my mother and my state of mind was clear. I had just sold one property and purchased another (without ever doing that before and really not knowing how to, I was on auto pilot for sure)and also I will mention I never really had time to mourn over my moms passing. It was chaos with siblings over inheritence. I was accused by them that I stole their inheritence (although my parents had a trust and I was the executor, I did not have power to change anything I more or less was just the over seer that things went according to parents wishes. If they blessed me that is not my fault. Other siblings doing very well financially and are set in life. My parents were only helping the less fortunate child. (why is that my fault???)
it took me 3yrs to get over the guilt of this, husband was compassionate and agreed I was not any way at fault. he knew my struggle with guilt, he tried to console me.

THEN: when our fights STARTED up about hse, he now states I did steal from my siblings and Im going to do it to him too. THIS HURTS DEEPLY AND HAS BROUGHT BACK ALL THOSE PAST FEELINGS, HE HURT ME THE DEEPEST WITH THIS, I FEEL BETRAYED AND AT THIS TIME MY WALLS ARE UP AND I FEEL IT WILL BE A LONG TIME BEFORE I CAN DROP THE WALLS.


Quote:You can not be pushed into anything...when you know you choose, you won't feel pushed. When you believe you can be pushed, made, controlled...then that will be your experience.

This has been my life experience, Controlled........... and it tears me up mentally. I make Bad choices....... If Im strong and make a choice and go forward, it was always the wrong choice. So Im lost with in myself. I feel damed if I do and damed if I don't. Do you understand what Im trying to share. Im very screwed up right now. I searching for direction, a start, i want off this merry go round, I want to stop hearing what a bad person I always am ( and this is from ppl who try to control me and manipulate me to do what they want). Do you understand? Im crying out for help in so many different ways, just don't know with all info that I get, how to start to apply it. Im by myself, no support from husband (he is fed up, he wants what he wants and doesn't show that he wants to take steps to correcting the marriage problems, his demand is take care of hse and all other things will go away...................Haaaaaa, he just doesn't see the damage that has been done, and he just doesn't understand or want to as to what state of mind and emotionally where I am right now.

Quote:Would you consider your H may fear you dumping him off with nothing? Using him and discarding him? He might crave some financial investment, something for you to lose if you leave, because he doesn't believe you would feel loss of just him.

And you would. And he would of you, too. Each other's presence is more powerful than money. I promise. When we don't treat presence as important, powerful...then we fear more. We do that. Not others to us.

yes, to the above: I sense that is his fear, he does crave financial investment. He knows my son will move in, this will be to keep the hse. This brings out jealous in husband. He states I care about my family more than him. This is not all true.(this causes turmoil for me.) My son and daughter in law don't agree with his actions, they don't understand them, because they feel he was blessed to have this debt paid off for him, (this was a responsiblity he tried to run from and did not deal with it, he didn't want to so that is why it added up to such a big amt, this debt would of attached his wages, social security, unemployment the rest of his life. Son says he would be soooooooo grateful and not expect more if someone had done this for him..........My son and his wife have been patient with husbands treatment of me (it makes them mad because of how it tears me down, when they come over they are very friendly, cordial, and invite him in anything they plan. Husband most of the time chooses not to participate.............

Quote: Are you saying you've used your inheritance to pay off $38k of legal bills and obligations for your H? You chose to pay his legal stuff from the divorce and custody costs, and you chose to pay off his exW what he owed her, is that correct?

yes, I chose to do that.............But when I tried to be consertive and get knowledge on how to go about this, he became angry and starting demanding at what ever cost to get this off of him. i wasn't just going to let a lawyer take it all with out having some questions how he was going to try the case. We went through a couple of crooked lawyers that were not doing the job, and had to fire them. My husband knew how much equity was in the hse, $$$ was no question for him, I had more than enough and he knew it (his idea was so what if we spend it all..........) I on the other was trying to be more responsible in issuing out the $$$. Ater all still felt insecure of future (what ifs) so I tried to be conservative with $$$. No I did not have anything to do with divorce. He paid that. When I came into the picture, I ended up assisting him into taking care of this problem and quit running from it. I found lawyer went with him, he pd lawyer and got his wages atttached. His check was very very little, he was left with not even enough to live. I was working, when we got married my little pay checks made up the difference of what was being taken from him. We lived semi comfortable for our simply way of life. So we managed............... Then I recieved my inheritence.........................

Quote: Would you consider we all change over nine years...we go from the first stage of marriage where we show each other only our best self images(infatuation) into the second stage, showing all of our self-images, beautiful, okay and ugly? We are not the result of one change (that's what I hear you saying that having his sons back in his life after nine years is causing his changes)...we are complex and live that way...lots of reasons for our reactions changing...even to the point we no longer choose to react.

So if we don't change from just one thing...one thing will not fix everything, will it? I think that's the signal you're getting inside yourself when he says to put his name also on the title of the house and then he'll treat you well again. Won't be true, will it? For each of you mistreat the other, for different reasons, all of which are your own.

Yes, his emotions were rampant when he reunited with kids. He didn't know how to control them. He visioned them as those little babies that he last saw. He was beside himself, and just started wanting to nuture them as if they were little again,on the other hand they took advantage of him and his emotions. They started working on him (if you know what I mean) but yet they were reluctant to sharing their daily life and doings with him. They needed $$$ and knew how to play Dad to get him to do it out of guilt and obligation ( I resented this, and commented on it, for my husband to be careful, and wise). That was turned on me as not caring for his kids, and everything with his kids was negative. Their life was full of drama and they were on the outs with mom and step dad. So everything they had to say about mom was bad and ugly. They had been kicked out of moms several times.
They were living with friends, or girlfriends. Then they saw that we had big hse and room and started making plans to move in with us. Accccccccccccck, I didn't know these kids and wanted to be cautious. Our life had been peaceful and pretty much stress free. We don't like drama and don't like to get involved in it.
When they would come to visit they would bring their drama, and then it started with us, they started playing us against each other and everything got out of control, and I stated I will not have this in my hse. Husband doesn't know how to be a Father, (he is mushy and doesn't set rules or boundries. (Things just moved too fast and we did not talk about decisions everything swung into chaos and strife was in the home.
I said they all had to leave, husband was verbally battering me to no end. He just didn't understand a womans point of view and how much we respect our privacy and our home, because of this I was DIRT in his eyes. I could not reason with him about anything.
It was his way my way and could not come to a medium and agree on anything. If he agreed, it changed later and then it was put on me.............on and on and one one thing after another.
He knew the problems his kids brought to our home. He just couldn't let go of them again and didn't know what boundaries to set and how to enforce them, he did not want to listen to me, because after all I was now the bad guy and didn't want his childeren in our lives. Not true, i just wanted to take one day at a time and get to know them, he pushed them in with no regards to my cautioness. I don't trust easy. They were teenagers looking for greener pastures, and very secretive.
As months went on. They eventually were back in kahoots with mom and she was no longer bad guy, mom does drugs and likes to party, so do kids. We don't party, we are homebodies, no drinking, no drugs, etc. We were boring compared to their mom.
At one point they set Dad up to do recreation and oops mom showed up to join them (without her husband) one son starting asking Dad questions about maybe becoming friends with mom and maybe more (of course this was when we were on the outs). I resented this..................and added to my not trusting.


Quote: The Policy of Joint Agreement (POJA) is that neither of you agree to do something without both being ENTHUSIASTIC about it...read about it and understand that the house is a POJA item...and there are lots of ideas if you brainstorm. Could be that you offer to put his name on the house after 25 years married...or you agree to put in a trust a certain dollar amount for his sons...or...or...brainstorm together...find out what his EN really is...what are his symbols...and divine your own...so you guys can experience your marriage as partners instead of enemies.

Reality is that you are partners. Sure can feel as if you are not.

With inheritance, figure out what portion you truly believe is yours and yours alone...and what is to be safeguarded and to whom on the passing down. Again, clarity is the issue...clear on your intent, your vision, your stuff. Then you can be clear on what is joint, mutual, part of the marriage, your half of the marriage...for you can be no more and no less than half of your partnership, though you can sure experience that as if you are more or less.

We have agreed somewhat......The trust I don't have a problem with I will put in trust the stipulations. The problem is Husband wants name on title and trust.
Because of treatment and actions on husbands part, i do not trust and leary about his motives, he has pursued this to the point of ruining our marriage.Im afraid if I put name on title Im selling out (if that is the right words to use) Right now he has no control on hse (he can't make loans, and refinance and up the mortgage to the point of not being able to pay off. He threats divorce, if we divorce a trust (will) does not hold up, it will then be community property and I will lose substanially.
This is my concern.......................
He is not going to wait much longer for me to decide if to put him on title or not, he is as fed up as Iam. He is pushing me, I can't think fast enough, my emotions are on a roller coaster, he has beaten me down emotionally. Lost one job because of all this strife, of course that job was detramental to me, ppl were not good ppl, gave me hard time on my slow learning I wasn't fast enough for them they were trying to push me out so I would quit and not be able to get unemployment. Well, between work and home and crumbled and had to leave the job............ I tell you this is been a rough road for me and mentally and emotionally Im exhausted. That is why kids have me babysitting right now, so I can try and get healhty and feel self worth again. You know their is alot of age discrimination out there and economy is not good. Employers want young, smart, fast learners. The last job I had reasonly I was there 2 hrs and they let me go. This did not help my self esteem at all. So Im sort of in a pickle right now, and looking for suggestions and help and guidance to get back up.

Btw, part of the reason I read your post was because I grew up with a stepmother who had inherited money and it was a conflict point in my parents' marriage, again and again. Not just one thing...it split apart her family of origin (FOO), her marriage...and I drew a lot of unreal beliefs from watching the complex issues contained within it, from my childish point of view. Very real heartache, terror, anger, resentment, entitlement and lack of respect involved. You can choose differently.

Quote:Would you consider asking your H if he feel envy, not jealousy, in regards to your relationship with his stepson? Envy is wanting the same as someone else has...maybe wanting a relationship with similar to the close one you have with your son; or wanting a similar relationship with his own sons. Jealousy is wanting what someone else has and for them NOT to have it.

There's an important difference between them and what they signal in us.

he really doesn't care for my son but tolerates because he is my son. My son is ambitious and a go doer. He has a hobby that him and his son do in sports. Their family is very active in it. Im the greatest fan and supporter and go on weekends to watch. Husband says sport is boring to him (he wants to do, not watch) so he doesn't like to go I go by myself I love it and grew up with it, he says he doesn't mind me going. Husband has no hobbies, he has no outlet. He works alot because he likes the $$$$, and then at home he is a couch potatoe, and constantly reading bible and into his apologetics. (Doesn't apply what he reads to his life, because he is mainly interested in the history part of it, not the heart changing. He is very well versed and alot of head knowledge, but right now he is not even close to walking in the Spirit. Hes not interested in bible studies they are boring to him, only interested if they teach on history and what he wants to know about other religions. He is sort of on the shy side, doesn't like to socialize he is more or less a loner and listens to alot of cd's on subjects he wants info about. Its so crazy, this bother me too. I have no idea where he is spiritually. (there are times I could say this is all hipocritical, but only God knows). Now he does support me and encourages me to go to bible studies and retreats. But he will not go to a retreat he refuses ( I feel because this would deal with the heart and he doesn't want to deal with that). So this concerns me. In the beginning I so looked up to him for his visions. But I now look at them as just talk, he dreams and makes no effort to go forward, and I believe he has a gift, but he doesn't see it, and so tells me to stop talking about it.
After all these years, I have a lot of questions, and see where things were not as he said they were. Alot has just been talk and dreams.

Quote:Why do you choose to participate in his silent treatment, btw?
i choose because it is peace...........I don't believe anything he says he is too wishy washy and changes so can't have heart to heart conversation because I don't believe him (when I start getting pulled in I feel he is manipulating my emotions, and I will set myself up for disappointed hurt and pain, so i keep converation mimimal. I know its stupid, and I feel stupid I feel so immature this is happening. But he has pushed me so far away, and as long as he continues his prideful ways and can't admit or acknowledge that there are problems other then the hse as long as he continues his retaliations and doesn't want to seek help to try and restore, I'm stuck. he just wants his name on title and that is plain and simple. He said I need to quit stalling and do it, or he is leaving and this will end up in divorce court. That was his last strong words.
he has been working alot of over time, he calls me when he is staying over. I try to have dinner for him, I keep hse clean, I do his laundry, and I still sleep in the same bed with him, I do yard work and keep yards up, I basically do it all...........
This shows me that he can't even do his responsiblities even though we are having conflict. Im not young any more, and yard work is exhausing for me, but his actions show me he could care less and when he does do it, (its one of my pet peaves the lawn is done nicely and the trimming)he puts very very little effort and knows I will go out and finish it up.............This to mean is mean, cruel. Because of our age, you still take that into consideration. I am a woman (weaker physically) he doesn't treat me with that respect and I could die over with a stroke but he doesn't look at it that way before hand. This shows me his anger is so deep and he can't get enough control of it to still have respect for the fact that Iam a woman and STILL A HUMAN BEING.

He is always laying guilt trips on me not working a job. But I do work hard around this hse to keep it up. Im not one that sits and watches soap operas all day, in fact I don't watch TV at all during the day, mostly doing my bible studies or cleaning and now Im babysitting and entertaining.
One day I called him at work just to say Hi and feel out his emotions for that day, i asked what are you doing? He came back with " Im working what do you think, you ought to try it sometime you might like it". Then he said "what do you want, uhggggggggg. I said I just called to see how your day was going.
he said"well, I can't talk I got to go". (this hurt me and i looked at it as another failure of trying to connect).
This is how he responds when I try to get a conversation. He is cold, mean, out obnoxious (which I don't take kindly to) so what else can I do???? He is a brat, immature and bull headed stubborn. So what can I do???????????? i cannot give him his way right now, not under these conditions. Im so mixed up mentally and emotionally so i dont take lightly his stinkin attitude and remarks.
In my mind, I need to get back up emotionally and physically and start making decisions for my life and future. Trying to feel self worth again enough to get a job. But with his treatment Im sorry to say it has a great effect on me mentally and emotionally. I feel bad, worthless, and all the things he says Iam.

i do at times miss his presence when he spends the nite at his work. I do worry that he will seek an affair for sex. Iam concerned about this marriage and if there is hope and resoultion to all this. I wonder if he really loves me, or since the inheritence its now a financial gain for him, and he will stick it out. He has never been up front with his feelings, he holds back (I know this) it has always concerned me. He has always been a little on the secretive side (this has always made me a little leary) To tell you the truth I feel like have been living with a stranger most of these 16 years. Not once since married has he ever totally opened up.

When we first met and talked about our previous marriage and relationships, I thought he was putting it all out there, bad mouthing wife saying all her fault.
But since meeting up with the kids and reading emails with ex wife, things that she said added up to what he didn't bother filling in the blanks, she did, I didn't beleve every single thing she said (I felt it was pretty far fetched) but some things added up to what I have seen in him. So after all that mess with the kids, I now saw someone that had not be completely truthful and open to me in the beginning. I feel a little betrayed. For the simple fact, I held nothing back in this relationship I shared it all complete honesty good and bad. i wanted this marriage to start off on the right foot and I wanted it to last forever and was willing to make changes in myself, all because I felt I had finally met a good honest man and we both didn't like living the single life. We lived together 5 years before getting married. I thought this was pretty good. He was a good guy loving giving, generous. Of course he had nothing material to bring into the marriage just himself. Although it was poor him because wife had affairs and took off with kids.
But I now know, she had her reasons for running (that doesn't justify her keeping kids from him) but I have learned there was fear and he verbally abused her, and maybe physical (not too sure about that) and he along with his family instilled fear in her so that to me is why she ran.


Your presence is important...it matters. When you feel verbal boulders knocking you down, state the boundary crossing aloud. If he continues, state the boundary crossing and that you are removing yourself for 20 minutes until the actual drugs released in your body from fear and anger subside so you can hear him clearly and respectfully. Remove yourself and calm yourself...choose reality--what he says is about him, even if he says it's about you, 'k? Reorient and return, as promised. Third boundary crossing (if he continues LBing), you state the boundary crossing and that you are removing yourself for three hours (leave the house) and what time you'll return to the discussion. Make sure you leave and make sure you return.

Fourth one can be a 24-hour wait time to recenter yourself or a call to the police. You don't decide these at the time of abuse...you do so before...you determine them now, with a clear and objective head...and you make sure you state what you will do if he chooses to continue.

Those boulders become pebbles really fast.

Up to you to know and understand the boundary crossings...and since you DJ, you may not hear his DJs as crossings...if you yell, you may only feel the boulders and not be able to pinpoint what's really generating them (tone, facial expressions, body language including hand gestures)...you gotta discern and know in order to enforce...and when you are doing the abuse, to catch yourself, state and remove, too, because when you do this to others, you'll feel anger, fear and pain, too...and also, when you're doing it to yourself.


I really don't understand what your saying to me in these next paragraphs. Please break these down for me in layman terms.
I am willing to read and try to understand what you are telling me.


Clarity, not perfection...not earning respect or love...acting from it by choice. Aligns with who you really are, God's creation. Does not attempt to control, stop, change, make or cause him or others...you do this because it's your responsibility to yourself and others.

Quote:When you share your own stuff, use "I" statements...for within his verbal abuse is his truth...delivered in an unacceptable way (acted out), okay when stated. Had he said, "I see you as selfish when I tell you what I feel and you tell me not to feel that way." That's not abusive. That's his stuff with ownership. Healthy. May still hurt in you...doesn't mean he's abusing you, 'k?[/color]
Takes discernment, not judgment. His judgements of you may really hurt because you judge yourself in much the same way...and if you do that, be assured you're judging others, too. So you choose to focus on understand what's his, not yours, to know, not to judge...and then you'll experience connecting through conflict instead of disconnecting.[/color]

Quote: Did you sign a prenuptial agreement when you married H#2? I ask because you will not only have the house and your little 401k if you choose to divorce...more likely, you will be entitled to half his 401K or a little less (balancing out his half of yours), his assets, too...split down the middle. Were you widowed in your first marriage? It's an act of respect and honesty for you to find out the laws regarding divorce in your state...do this so you understand what is affected by your decisions, and what myths you might have in your head causing you to fear and react to your fear (can be paralyzing at times when it gets high enough).


No prenuptial agreement we had nothing when we met, no reason for agreement. I was not widowed.
Yeah, standing up for my marriage if that is what one calls it, it is driving me crazy and trying not to let it drive me to emotional break down...................



Great to know that you tore up the divorce papers last year. I say this because you chose to stand for your marriage. You do not have to comply or help him to divorce you. I'm asking you to learn what the facts are versus what you've heard, thought or guessed.

And he didn't divorce you.
he doesn't divorce me, because he knows its expensive and he doesn't want to lose money, plus he is not fond of lawyers they are always on the wifes side, a man doesn't have a chance. These are his words from past, and even comes up when we are watching a movie where the wife wins all because husband was a bad boy. I think he is started to hate being married and what women do to him. He might just hate women.


Quote: You were looking for new friends in your new place...and you sought them out at church. In your town, you could choose to find Alanon meetings and attend them...it's a great place to learn about respect, love, acceptance, and God's design of humans. You can even get a sponsor to talk with as you do the 12 steps...it was part of my changes, along with MB and MC, which really helped me. A place where you discover over time you were already loved when you walked in the door.


What is MC, I don't have any addictions other than cigarettes ( I was going to quit those, but now they are my release, crazy but thats fact, I need them right now.) Are you suggesting I go to these meetings without an addiction? Im sure I have a lot of problems, Im sure of it, and yes its hard for me to see them I do know that Im not perfect and I have a lot of faults.
But what stands out to me is I can admit that I have faults and I want to work on them( as hard as it will be) I just always seem to get around guys that are so prideful and can't and won't admit their faults. If this ends up in divorce. Im done I don't want any more relationships. It seems like Im the only one that cares enough and goes crazy try to get it back on right track. i can't continue to carry my faults and some ones elses. I don't even know who I am and I feel I don't even have respect for myself anymore.
I have always had mis functional (not sure if thats the right word or not) relationships, I come from mis functional home, strife, deception, verbal abuse, alcoholic, etc. I have been co-dependent, etc.
Im just not cut out for relationships I don't know how to fix them or the person. if I don't try to fix them, then the relationship desinagrates and Im alone once again.
At this age, all I want is peace, love, and respect. Im tired of finding these relationships (that after all my efforts) they end any how. They go off happy and Im miserable and beating myself up that Im not smart enough to decern these things.



For we are loved, JP...all the time...before a word is spoken or an action taken.

Quote:This is bringing your peace to your half of the marriage...bringing who you really are...it's telling your H your truth, "I'm working on the house issue right now and I have some questions for you. I'm learning about communication tools I didn't know existed, though, so I can hear your answers differently. I love you."


Im so mad at him right now. That if he wants to leave go ahead and leave and I will continue to have safe place as my parents intended for me to have, they had a hard time making this decision to give me this responsiblity because I can be beaten down and taken advantage of, they were so afraid that some guy would come along and try to swindle it out of me.
Dejavu!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Is my thinking. They knew my husband for awhile before their passing and they thought I had done good this time (Because he professed to be a Christian, went to church, and witnessed to both my parents and brought them to the Lord. They thought he was a good respectful guy.

WHAT WOULD THEIR OPINOIN OF HIM BE TODAY???????
I know Im spout of but Im trying to be open and honest with this, so you can see why Im so turned around and confused.
I'm trying to find a way to sort this out, how did everything just get so out of hand and now if we just start talking about it, as we go along Husband heats up and then bam he's hollering, throwing boulders, verbal abuse, so I stop and say its obvious we still (after million time) can't talk about this, we have grown at all or changed anything about how we will discuss this in mature adult manner. Then threats come again and then silent treatment follows along with sneer obnoxious remarks. My thinking is just so twisted.

HE IS A GOOD GUY, BUT THIS CHANGE HAS GOT ME BAFFLED. I ASH MYSELF I REALLY DID KNOW HIM AS I THOUGHT I DID.
HE HAS ALWAYS SAID THAT IF HE WON THE LOTTO HE WOULD NOT TELL FAMILY, BECAUSE THEY WOULD BE AT HIS DOOR WITH THEIR HANDS OUT.

ISN'T THAT WHAT HE IS DOING WITH THIS INHERITENCE?
HE IS PUTTING ME THROUGH THE SAME TURMOIL THAT MY SIBLINGS PUT ME THROUGH. WHAT MAKES HIM BETTER THEN THEM. HE BAD MOUTHED THEM WHEN THEY WERE DOING IT TO ME. HOW IS WHAT HE IS DOING, ANY DIFFERENT THEN THEM??????


We share with ownership, we search to know ourselves and know our partners...that's acting from intimacy...so we feel intimate as a result.

qUOTE:Let your heart be lighter right now, JP. You've got the hands to pick up and use new tools, make new choices, and see better where God was reaching for you all along. Clearing out the noise (going for clarity not a magical fix) is the key to everything. I promise.

I NEED HELP WITH THESE NEW TOOLS. HOW TO I GO ABOUT APPLYING TO MY SITUATION. I tell you I have read so much, and tried so many different things Im wore out, but wanting to try one more thing. You know what I mean. But I have to find the strength to do this.
Im tired and worn down pretty good right now. Husband won't give me time to breathe, I fear of the near future time he brings this up again. he'll say " so what have you decided to do?
Oh, gosh how I don't want to hear those words no time soon.

Highest priority??? I have so much burning, where do I start.
Hate to continue to sound self centered. But that is my priority, I have to emotionally and mentally get healthy so I get get clarity (as you emphasis on clarity). I can't say it enough I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS UP OR DOWN RIGHT NOW. IM VERY CONFUSED. I CAN'T ANSWER FOR MY HUSBAND. I DON'T FEEL HE WILL BE HONEST AND UP FRONT ENOUGH BECAUSE HE HAS AND ALWAYS HAS AN ACE UP HIS SLEEVE. I DON'T KNOW HIM AND WHAT I'VE SEEN I DON'T LIKE OR TRUST ANY MORE.

I LOVE HIM AND STILL CARE (BECAUSE I FEEL HURT THAT WE CAN'T SOLVE THIS, HE IS A GOOD PERSON I BELIEVE, I JUST THINK HIS THINKING HAS GONE OFF, BECAUSE OF $$$, AND WHAT HIS WIFE DID TO HIM IN THE PAST, AND NOW HE PUTS ME IN THE SAME CATEGORY HAS HER. I RESENT THIS. I FEEL IM MORE TOGETHER THEN SHE IS. SHE IS A VERY VINDICTIVE WOMEN TO TAKE A MANS KIDS AWAY FOR THAT MANY YEARS AND NOT ONCE DURING THOSE YEARS FELT GUILTY FOR KEEPING HER CHILDREN FROM KNOWING THEIR FATHER. MAYBE A YEAR OR TWO BE ANGRY AND HOLD GRUDGE, BUT NOT FOR 15 YRS. I WENT THROUGH SOMETHNG SIMILAR AND DID IT FOR A YEAR BECAUSE HUSBAND DIDN'T PAY CHILD SUPPORT AND WENT A REMARRIED AND HAD 5 OTHER CHILDREN BUT COULD NOT SUPPORT MY SON. THEN I REALIZED $$$ WASN'T IMPORTANT I DIDN'T WANT MY SON GROWING UP WITHOUT KNOWING HIS FATHER. SO I HAVE TROUBLE UNDERSTANDING HER ACTIONS.

Figure out your highest priority...when we put our marriages first, then we are both in the top stop...there's you, your H and The Marriage...and you can honor The Marriage even when you struggle with not wanting to honor H.

You have been in crisis for over a year...that's too long in the extreme...I'm really glad you're here and posting. Please continue to do so.

Doing so is an act of love for your marriage and yourself. You'll begin to have loving feelings again because you choose to read and post, consider and act from a new place in you.

Breathe and focus on your breath to recenter yourself...in the stillness, Christ reaches us...you're not alone, crazy, bad or broken, JP...you're right where God can touch and hold you...and realize he always has.

THANK YOU LA I KNOW IM A MESS, BUT I HOPE YOU WILL CONTINUE TO STAY ALONG SIDE OF ME AND CONTINUE TO TALK WITH ME.
I KNOW I NEED HELP SORTING ALL THIS OUT. I REALLY LIKE THE WAY YOU ASK QUESTIONS. I WANT TO BE ABLE TO PUT MY WHOLE PERSPECTIVE OUT THERE ON THIS THING. MAINLY TO ANAYLSE WHERE I AM ON TRACK AND OFF TRACK.
SO YOUR CORRESPONDENCE IS GREATLY APPRECIATED AN NEEDED

are you F or M?
ARE YOU MARRIED? HOW MANY TIMES?
HOW OLD ARE YOU?
ARE YOU A COUNSELOR OR MENTOR?
ARE YOU A CHRISTIAN? BIBLE THUMPER?
DO YOU HAVE CHILDEREN.
State?

JUST TRYING TO GET TO KNOW A LITTLE BIT ABOUT YOU.
YOU HAVE JUST READ MY LIFE STORY.

IM LOOKING FORWARD TO LEARNING HOW TO USE THE TOOLS HER AT MB.
Im so grateful for your response
can't thank you enough that you are really listening to me.[/color]

Justpeace:

Get thyself to an attorney. Find out what stays yours and what is joint property in a divorce settlement.

Doesn't mean you have to divorce, but the knowledge of where you stand and what your husband is threatening you with and what is REAL will make you stronger.

Physical abuse in not to be tolerated no way, no how.

Start documenting.

LG

[quote=lousygolfer]Justpeace:

Physical abuse in not to be tolerated no way, no how.




There has not been any physical abuse just verbal. I would never tolerate physical, thank you for the advice.

Im not really fond of lawyers, I have had to deal with them in the past and not a very good experience, but yes Im working towards that direction. This saddens me so.

Thank you for your reply.

JP,

I'm going to answer your post in reverse...

I'm female...if you look at the signature line (some posters have them...we can all make them in our profiles), those acronyms say that I am a Formerly Wayward Wife and a Betrayed Wife in my only marriage (I feel like saying "first" will jinx me...silly, I know); I'm neither a counselor nor a mentor--so I can only speak in laywoman's terms...and yes, I'm a really hard read; I am a Christian and not a Bible Thumper if you mean I tell people the only way to heaven is through Jesus...I do share my beliefs in my posts because they are entwined in my marital and personal recovery; also in my sigline it says I have three dear sons (DS) now 24, 22 and 18. Two of which I had before marriage; one as an OC - Other Child resulting from an affair. My DH adopted both of them so they are COM (children of marriage) now. I live in Colorado.

My sigline is pacted with MTMI (maybe too much info) because before coming to MB, I lived in lies...my self-deception was steep and deep. Honesty is really important to me. I don't think you can assume from folks' siglines how many times they've been married or if they had children out of wedlock. I don't think there are enough acronyms to fit (there's a 500 character limit for siglines), maybe.

Communication is difficult...because every human only has symbols to work with...to convey their meaning, and to understand others' meaning. Letters we write and speak with are symbols of sounds, just like numbers. We do our best...and I rely on God to help me understand and be understood. And like you, I ask questions, share when I'm not comprehending something.

To help you out in the format of your posts, when you highlight a section you want to quote and use the ctrl-c to copy it, and then click on the " " " quotation feature (that's kinda of funny to refer to for me), when it comes up with the quote] [/quote symbols, click inbetween them and then paste the text you want in the quote. Each sentence or sentences you want in a quote box will have a beginning quote indication and after the text, an ending one...and the brackets around them, the [] are important...and easy for me to lose in the focus of replying. Then the quote boxes get a bit messy.

Was really frustrating for me to figure out how to show what a poster said and then my reply...I've used just quotation marks bracketing; I've used bold and quote boxes. I usually quote and then reply below...though once or twice I've gotten fancy on myself and replied before the quote. Made me twice as tough to figure out.



You are not a mess. You are experiencing life right now as if you are...please change your belief. God didn't make no junk ever...he doesn't make messes. I know you want clarity...one important tool I want you to pick up is awareness...become aware of how much hurt you do to yourself, to God's creation, 'k?

"I feel like a mess" doesn't hurt yourself...shares honestly what you're experiencing and doesn't stamp you down AS a mess.

In God's design of humans, we feel anger...we are not anger. We feel broken...we are not broken. We feel confused...we are not confused...we are human. Defining ourselves is our responsibility...and we were reared to allow our parents and others with great power and influence in our lives to define us. That ends when we realize they cannot define us. They can share what they see of us, their opinion, through their perception...they cannot define who we are. Nor can we define who they are. God didn't give us that power, really. As children, we allow it before we learn differently...up to us to get that in our adult experience and change our belief.

Like saying "I am stupid." I can certainly make regrettable choices, say hilariously silly things when I share; I cannot BE stupid. This is an important difference I would really like you to ponder...because you are a human being not a human doing.

I advised Alanon because you are an adult child of an alcoholic; your first H was an alcoholic; and even when alcohol is not prominent, the behaviors get handed down...generation to generation. I didn't have a substenance addiction when I went four years ago...my SIL (sister-in-law) told me to go during my H's affair. Dr. Harley here on MB says A's are like addictions...and he's right. Alanon is for the partner of an addicted person...and amazingly enough, at my first meeting, I saw what a partner of an addict was addicted to...their partner and control. That was me. And the 12 steps help us to own and understand our human power and limits.

Frees us from our patterns and cycles. Alanon has TOOLS for us to live in respect, love and the present. Those 12 steps are resentment busters...and you don't have to go it alone.

Sounded to me just what you were asking for in your second post. There's not a thing wrong with anyone on this planet...all made by God's hands from love, of love...we sure pick up and keep using some stinkin' thinkin', though, along the way...and we even re-create ourselves in what we want to be our own image, like taking a masterpiece and coloring over it in crayon. Humans do this...most everyone. Part of the journey in this life is to see where this poorly constructed self-image keeps diverting us from who we really are.

Another book recommendation (which really helped me) was "Healing the Shame That Binds Us" by John Bradshaw. I related very much to you when you said:


Yes, JP, I remember really well. When I wanted off my merry-go-round from the bottom of my heart, God brought me what I needed...which is what I'm sharing with you...I found MB, Alanon, books and great posters who brought his message to me. Those are your resources, too.

I chose to listen, to be still, even though I was in a while amount of pain and fear...and many times I had to read and re-read to get those tools into my hands...get past my expectation that there was two sentences to fix it all...one thing I could change to change everything, stop the pain and the fear.

Listen and repeat. Learn your power and limits. Up your desire for awareness and reduce your judgment. All these are tools for clarity.

Each moment you listen and repeat, you confirm to self you want to first understand, not take in what isn't yours, and to hand back for confirmation or clarification. You may think you're really hearing what others say...you aren't. You have assumptions wrapped around what's coming in and going out...blocks clarity, adds to confusion and we feel like we lose our grip.

Please know you cannot be controlled. Not in God's design. You choose...and when you restated that indeed you'd chosen to do this and that, it wasn't for fault or blame...where we actually give away our power--it was for ownership and understanding your power.

Even when you feel like you have no choice, you are choosing...you are choosing to believe there's only one option, so you then feel as if there is...trust me when I say there are more. It's how God brings us through challenges in life.

When you hear someone say, "You are a bad person" you have the option to say, "I hear you saying you think of me as a bad person right now, is that correct?" Which hands back to them their limit (their opinion) and doesn't allow them to define you. Right there, the verbal abuse is cut in half...your half. This is an act of respect for them and for yourself, builds your self-respect. Self-worth comes from knowing you are worthy...choosing to believe that God made us all worthy, valuable, whole and complete. For he did. And each act you take, word you speak, prayer you give in thanks, affirms your belief he did this and you are.

Because you always have been and will be worthy, 'k?

When we allow others to determine our worth, our value, tell us we're bad, broken, wrong or defective...then we are bashing God's creation, aren't we? We are making others gods before our Lord...we are serving (worshipping) our self-image...not our real selves. We can feel very cut-off from God when we do this, with reason.

You cannot stop others from telling you their stuff, their opinion...you have full control over not taking it in by handing it back, confirming or clarifying. A lot of the time, you may realize when you act from respect, this is not what they were saying at all.

Humans can project what is in them onto others...especially if they are busy focusing on others, like their spouses, to determine who they are, how they are doing or not doing...asking to be defined through another person. I did this for decades...and it would work when my DH would define me the way I wanted...tell me I was a good person, lovely, loving, a joy...and it stopped working when he said I was a bad person, ugly, hateful and a pain. Neither works really...when we allow others to define us through compliments, take them as being really about us...it's the same two-way street as when they define us through insults--both are name-calling. One tastes sweet, the other, horrible.

When I say I see you as brave (coming to MB and posting, reaching out to others at church), that's my opinion about what I see through my eyes, relate to myself, too. It's connection, not definition. Tells you about me...shares with you a part of me. If you take it in and say to your self, I'm brave because she sees me as brave...then you're really slapping your self...for only your self defines who you are. Which is why humans can change through choice their beliefs, the way they perceive, choose a different perspective...and we abandon our own selves when we go through another human's eyes to define ourselves. We abandon our inherent responsibility that way.

Signals you get when you do this is the feeling powerless, helpless, trapped...for you have given your power away, you aren't there for yourself, and you are now a slave to another's opinion.

We hurt ourselves a lot as we do this--and we do this. You are not alone.

When you chose to stop sharing your stuff with your H, you didn't protect yourself from him...you acted from fear and that tells self you aren't valuable, worth sharing. You did that to yourself and chose to believe that would protect you from H's opinion. We do that, it's our urge, when WE are the ones taking others' stuff as fact, not opinion. Not in reality.

When we don't share with ownership, we don't connect...we don't act from love, respect, honesty and we cannot build trust in ourselves. We are doing that...not others.

I believe listen and repeat is the first boundary of enforcement...handing back what we hear as what it is; if the other person keeps defining us, "Oh you psychobabbling idiot" then we do our second boundary enforcement, "That's a DJ and I will remove myself for half an hour if you choose to state your opinion as fact." Thing is, you gotta remove yourself because you made a promise to yourself. You can also hand it back, "I'm hearing you aren't understanding what I'm sharing about myself right now."

This stops our half of verbal abuse...we enforce from love and keep our promises. "I know you're choosing right now to verbally abuse me." State choice as it truly is...not out of his control, he is not out of control, and verbal abuse doesn't just happen.

Mind your own...make sure you are not defining (He is uncaring, greedy, selfish, manipulative, etc...all those are your opinions, do not state them as if they are his being; state them as choices of doing.) Catch those DJs in your head...disrespectful judgments kick us four ways to Sunday and back again...they come from and are about our self-image...they are at the seat of every power struggle and reaction to fear...they are not who we are or what we want most.

Act open and honest; know your stuff as yours and share it with H. "I have a decision about the house. Because you are very important to me and so is my marriage, I am going to decide to put you on the title or not by October 31st of this year. In the mean time, I'm going to think up many other ways of meeting your EN for FS while keeping my promise to my parents. I know there's a solution we can both be enthusiastic about. I'm going to get calm so I can think creatively, from love."

His choices are his...to divorce or not, to separate or not, to stonewall, shut out, lash out, cry, surrender or think up alternatives to the all or nothing. You have no power over him...none of us do over each other...you focus on your own choices. Not based on his, 'k?

That's how we reach clear thinking.

To help me become clear...you purchased this property outright from money you inherited, is that correct? You did not have a mortgage to obtain the property? When you say you took out a $38k loan against the house, are you saying you obtained a reverse mortgage to pay off H's outstanding debt in regards to his child support and previous divorce?

If so, have you been making the payments each month? I'm trying to determine what's real here...you said his wages were garnished for years for this same debt (and I realize it's different debts stemming from one issue--please correct me if I'm wrong)...and the remaining amount, I'm thinking, was the $38k which stopped the garnishment.

So you didn't take existing funds and pay off that amount...you took a loan against equity and are now paying that back, is that correct? So in a way, he is working and paying back the loan...so you didn't use the money to wipe out his debt...you just refinanced it for him. He's still paying what he owed.

I want to clarify not to blame or say you're wrong...To really see what we're doing is tough...in marriage we share assets, income and debt...we have non-monetary contributions and need to equate them with monetary contributions. Even how we lessen our spending is income...confusing in itself...still real and needs to be understood.

Sharing is asking and letting the response go, as well as stating your stuff. "H, you are my partner and I need your help. I want to see things clearly. Will you speak with about what terms mean to you so I can use terms we both agree on to communicate about the house?"

Agreeing on terms is not agreeing TO terms...it's where you come to understand what "income" means to him (may not be the same to you). The terms we use--don't assume you both think of them the same...similarly for "blame" "fault" "debt" "owed". Some of these can be packed full of emotionality and cease being understood because what they represent changed, over time.

I'm hearing that you do want to also work outside the home and that you have in the past. You have contributed to the marriage even when you did not work...and I want you to be clear on your intent for working...to meet his EN for FS, yours, or to feel equal, create balance, feel balanced, to protect yourself from his judgment, to be right...check exactly what your desire to be employed differently than you are now means to you.

Clarity also comes from taking time to be clear on your own motivations, desires, intent.

Consider also, to ask God to lead you where he needs you...I did this...and he directly helped me to stop searching, applying for and getting jobs which kept me feeding, maintaining, stressing over my self-image...he led me where he needed me and where I needed to be for my real self. Took me choosing ahead of time to trust, choose and choose to be led.

Wonderful choice...for where he brought me sustained me through my worst times, and has abundantly blessed my marriage and myself.

We can give our control in certain areas to God...still our choice, from our power.

We can choose to follow...and that doesn't shift our responsibilities away from us...we free ourselves to follow...and it's another way to stop living in blame...grabbing it...taking it...dishing it outward from ourselves. We are only responsible for ourselves, our choices, our experience...we cannot be blamed for others' stuff---their feelings, thoughts, beliefs, actions, perceptions or perspective.

If you choose to believe you are alone, then you will feel alone. You are not alone. There are others choosing to be present right now in your life. I believe you are choosing to not see reality because you are focused on where you looked for others and they did not fill your expectations.

May not be what you're doing...was what I did which is why I see it in you--I felt incredibly alone when I was really in abundance of love and connection. I was focused on what I wanted, when I wanted it, in the way I wanted it. That cut out a lot of reality for me.

I was looking to hear what I wanted, when I wanted it, in the words and way I wanted it laid out to fix me...so I was continually disconnected, unfulfilled and my intent resulted in me feeling alone, unsupported or cared for...when I really was part of everyone else, held in great hands made of love.

Judgment separates us. We can see what others do and not do...and judge their actions. When we begin to define and judge why they acted, we are in disrespectful territory and it the distances we feel from others is actually coming from our disrespect, not them.

I learned four years ago to examine as a signal to myself, what I most craved I was least giving.

You most craved support, someone calling you and asking you about you, for you, to know and understand--is that what you were doing with others? Especially with your H? Not calling to listen and support so you will be supported...connecting to really know, be shared with, and share your presence. There's a big difference...we are taught love is earned...you earn it and then you feel it...you give and you'll be given back to...

If you choose to believe humans earn love, then they are not made from it. And if they have to earn love, then they earn punishment. Both. Can't just be one. So if you earn love or punishment (like the silent treatment) then OTHERS earn love and punishment FROM you, too.

Basically, that belief means we control each other's love banks...he has yours in his hands; you have his in yours. Which means we control others...is that real? Does that stand up? Or is that how we felt as children with our parents...earned their wrath and kisses, their approval or anger...we were the cause, control and cure for their feelings, actions (you made me spank you, I didn't want to have to do it), thoughts (you make me worry all the time about you), perceptions (you are a good girl).

Not how we partner as adults in our marriages...may be the only way we know how to express our love, through parenting, until we learn differently.

I wrote a lot in my previous post--I felt the urge to help you instantly, give you all I've learned, change your beliefs to get out of this pain right now...felt unbearably familiar to me...and we both know that's not reality. I'm sorry. I believe I over did it, reacting to my connection with you. And now, I'm doing it again.

I believe if you'll use the resources around you, examine and change your beliefs and then act from them, then you will get to the answer you're seeking in regards to the house. And in the process, you will experience everything differently than you do right now.

Give God some elbow room...you may be like me...when the pastor would urge us to hand it all to God, I would picture myself holding up this huge bad of woe and problems, even feel the weight lifting off of me...and then see I had one hand behind my back, holding back, this one tiny thing...don't want to give it to God 'cuz I could take care of that...didn't want to impose, overburden...and that tiny thing was my control--my belief I could cause (be a burden to others and to God), because then I could cure, too...fix what I broke...repair what I rent...heal what I injured.

And that tiny bit of control I held back I twisted into fixing others, repairing the damage they did to me, seeing myself as rent and broken...injured by them...and the same for me doing to them. Way too powerful and impossible. That one tiny thing I didn't give up...until I really did.

That's when we really heal, JP.

LA

Husband left today. Somewhere in the middle of his tongue lashing (verbal abuse) I believe I heard him say he would give me a month to make a decision.

Fri nite: Husband took me out to a nice dinner and was being quite but nice. I asked what the occassion was he just said felt like going out for dinner thats all. (I said well you have been so mean lately, it just makes me wonder why suddenly nice. He said no reason. Then after dinnner we met daughter in law and grandkids at gym and went swimming ( it has been in the 100's here). We had a good time playing with grandkids in pool, went home my oldest grandson asked if he could come home with us we said sure like always. H wanted sex when we went to bed, I was leary and had to turn it down (something was up) he of course became frustrated. (my guard was up and I felt being set up).

Sat Morn:
We are having our coffee and BAM he said what are you doing about the hse. I said, "Oh no (sigh)don't ruin the morning now is not a good time (grandson is here), he insisted. I tried to remeber MB basic concepts and started to apply. He became heated up and bam the fight was on again. I told him if he would pls calm down and this is why we can never get past this point, because you get all heated and angery and start throwing abusive words and trying to tear me down, you bring up stuff that has nothing to do with the hse, you just want to hurt me I got up and walked out side. He continued to batter me with words and became very angry I could not reason with him at all. He just kept slamming ugly words, b----h, Im leaving, etc. He started packing his stuff but as he was doing this he was throwing that ugly stuff out there to me, this is your fault, you no good ------.

Jp, wanted to send some hugs your way this morning. How can you get yourself away from the tongue-lashings? Maybe go for a drive? And then marriage counseling (MC) so your H knows that you two will address all these concerns in a respectful manner?

Thanks for the hugs they are needed, but I feel I did all this, because Im not straight in my mind, and just can't think anymore. So in a way it is good that he has moved out for awhile and given me the space. As he was packing his stuff I did remove myself I went out side, his mind was made up before he took me out to dinner, I feel like it was all a set up, but this is the way he works, its been a pattern so I've become leary of the niceness when he does show it because there has always been a fight attached to it, that is why I cannot let myself get close to him or take him serious. It has become a pattern I recognize and it makes me nervous. I think to myself, ok, I hope you can finally discuss this in a mature way with out insults or tongue lashing. So I get myself positive. Then he brings it up "Have you decided what your going to do yet", then I start sharing with him my thoughts and about going to counseling and he gets heated up and here we go again fight fight fight.........
Then this time he got so angry he said he was moving out and giving me a month, he shouted bitterly that I could have the hse and everything in it,just don't come after him for 1/2 of his stuff, in other words alimony.
So, not as if for the past year I have getting info and resources and advice as to how to deal with this and come to a decision, but I still need to speak with attorney on my rights.
Right now I think its good for me that he left, Im so emotionally burned out (as he probably is too) and got to pull myself together and sort this out.
I tell you this has been a wake up call for me. I have alot of things to think about. Im counting on God carrying me through this transition and reveal the plan. Is he protecting me or is he pruning me?
There are definetly and has been some other issues not right in this marriage so it is not just the hse. I know and feel this to be very true. So I just need to think.
Thank You again for your hugs ears_open .

If I understand your post... From going down this road, myself, here is what I understand (may be wrong). Legally, if you had not touched the inheritance, the husband would not have access to its benefits. Since you used it to buy a marital asset (house), he is possibly entitled to 50% of the house/value of the house.

Now, my jaded thought is that, since you are a woman, you may be treated leniently in any divorce court proceedings. Men get raked over the coals with regard to property and child custody and child support (sorry, but prove me wrong).

Good luck... not an easy situation to be in, I know.

Inheritence was not touched, sold family property it went straight over to purchase now property, from one title company to the other.

I not sure I have been told and read alot on this inheritence and from what I was told, my inheritence is my sole property, and he had to sign off on any liability with the house when I purchased it.

So I know God is watching all this and he will do what is fit, its already in the cards this God saw this long before I did, so he is going to do what ever he likes with it, I will survive and leagally do what ever Im capable of doing with what I got, that is all I can do right now, also to seek attorney for my own gratification (which in process now).

I can't believe the change person over the years, and now this, he wants to play dirty. Go ahead. God is watching all of this, and only God knows my H true motive, rather it be for his greed of money, or just trying to make a point in the marriage.

But....................... bottom line is: he has brought verbal abuse, emotional distress, HE HAS AN ANGER PROBLEM WITH THE WAY HE DEALS WITH THINGS, YOU CAN'T TALK TO HIM HE IS IRRATIONAL AND SCARRY AT TIMES.The hse issue does not justify his treatment.
He is like a time bomb waiting to explode. I try to keep my voice calm through all his yelling and tantrums, he just can't calm down and talk. Even when there are days we don't see each other, when he comes around the tension is in the air and the fight verbal abuse starts all over, its miserable when he is around. Woman don't always get everything, i can prove you wrong.
But men sometimes can't accept their ways of going about getting what they want, they are liars, cunning, manipulative, and controllers (these are the men I have known in my life) so Im on the other side and can see why maybe things don't always work in their favor.
But my Son was able to get full and permanent custody of his son. So I can't totally agree with you. Hope you understand

JP,

I just noticed your post here. Do not stay present when he's yelling and name-calling, voice low or calm or not. State the boundary he's crossing...yelling...and that you'll return to the conversation in 20 minutes when your own flodding of reactive emotions dissolves. That's to protect you from escalating...and staying present when he abuses.

If he continues, state you're now removing yourself for two hours and will return to the discussion in that time. If he follows, you leave the house for the two hours. You state what you're doing, why you're doing it (abuse hurts, it's unproductive and you won't allow yourself or others to do it).

If he continues when you walk back in the door, make arrangements ahead of time to be gone for a day or a night and state the time you'll return and be prepared to continue the conversation.

Same for the phone...in your other thread in EN, from what you described, he hung up on you...you'd laid out what you required and when he then began with the routine abuse, you listened...don't.

State that you're hanging up for 20 minutes and you'll be available to speak after the chemicals your body releases in your brain (literal flooding...see alturtlecounseling.com) subside. That's healthy, reality and good self-care, respect for your partner.

At what point in person do you call the police? See that would be a predetermined, progressive boundary enforcement...if during the same discussion, you're on your fourth enforcement...after having removed yourself for two hours...or a day and a night...would it be after he threw something? Blocked the doorway? Took your car keys?

Boundaries are plans we hold ourselves to...I've emphasized you don't do back to him what he's doing to you because then you really won't do the respectful enforcements...we've broken our promise that way...and we break our promise again and again when we don't enforce...

Harms us, our marriage, feelings of trust, love, respect and acceptance...as I said before. So you will FEEL distrustful as a result...you aren't trustworthy for keeping your enforcements promise.

What you don't believe you can do for your H, do for your marriage. When you don't feel like respecting his stuff separately from your own, do it for the marriage. The marriage hasn't betrayed, abused or bullied you, 'k?

Even if you won't do it for yourself, hold yourself to these boundary enforcements, then do it for the marriage...your half, 'k?

You'll feel less distrusting, fearing, angering and less pained as a result. Because YOU are keeping your promises to yourself...not about him.

LA

Thank you lovingAnyway,
I apologize for spouting. but right now I perceive just about everything as a negative except if it real clear and in black and white I can understand it. But when it is with high intellect it is very difficult for me to desypher & understand the message and meaning behind it. So I become offened.
you for me are very intellect. (you sound like one smart Godly cookie) you write way above my comprehenion at times.

im so glad that you bring God into your posts with me. I like that very much. It reminds me that he knows whats going on and he sees how the devil is having a field day with this marriage. I often think of what happen to Job and the end result.
Also it comes to thought that the Lord could very well be using you to speak to me these things.

As you probably already know this, some times we don't see the truth and some has to bring us back to reality (from our emotinal state of thinking negative) the TRUTH at times can be a hard pill to swallow.

Thank you for tough love.

JP,

Thank you for hearing my responses to you differently. Choosing honesty changed my life. Living a few decades in lies to myself and others took its toll. I did it this way--committing to awareness instead of judgment. It was the judgment I used to deceive myself. I wish that freedom for everyone.

I believe you know I have a difficult time in conveying my beliefs and opinions. I take a lot of work. I appreciate the work others do to give me their understanding.

I understand you see it as intellect and I think you'd have a very different view of me in real life. I pray you'll understand to the center of your soul that we are equals in every way. What you want most, God provides--and he does so by helping you to see it already in yourself.

How you define yourself is your responsibility. What you tell yourself you are determines how you'll experience your life. If you believe you are slow at learning something new, then you will have that experience...for you will have inserted resistance to it from the start. An expectation.

When you focus on listening to learning...you'll hear a lot of interference...are they thinking I'm stupid, too slow, do I look right, can I do this...it's like inviting a crowd into class and we lower our chances of learning greatly.

Because it just being you, and just being the person explaining something is too scary. Their opinion is their own...your assumptions of their thoughts adds to your own chaos...clear them out. Which is why LBs affect all relationships...DJs impair how we connect, understand, learn.

Awareness instead of judgment. Separating out the facts from the whys...if you hear in your head, "Why is she saying it in that tone of voice?" during an explanation of a system or procedure, then are you aware or judging?

Our fear tells us to judge first, ask questions later. To stay safe. To not feel pain. Which is why we spend most of our lives reacting to fear when we want most to act from love.

If we stay away from "why" questions of others, saving it for ourselves (for only we can know our whys), reality gets clearer, we learn faster when our thought is "What is she saying right now" instead.

Would you consider when you feel most alone is when you're cutting yourself and others out (with the crowd in your head)...because you KNOW God doesn't leave...we are alone in our experience of life, and we are never alone in our lives.

When we abandon ourselves by focusing on someone else, excluded our center of power, we experience heartbreaking loneliness...to retrain myself from this (part of my freakishly strong desire to control), I focus on pronouns.

In my head, was I hearing more "he" or "she" than "I" or "me"?

Because words matter to me...even though they are difficult...I cherish them...so I alert myself through words...and it takes listening to myself...not to judge (that justified hiding my thoughts from myself because I bashed myself for thinking, feeling, etc.), to be aware. Cuts out the chaos up there.

Well, mostly.

When you truly befriend yourself, see yourself through God's eyes, you feel included, belonging, safer. That's your doing...not others making you.

Things you already know in your adult experience:

We will cry and we will stop crying.
We will laugh and we will stop laughing.
We will sorrow and we will finish sorrowing.
We will hurt and we will finish hurting for now.

How you may experience these same things inside:

We will never stop fearing, crying, sorrowing or hurting.
Now is forever.
Laughter, joy and happiness are flashes that come and go
but pain stays and never leaves.
Anger is forever, too. So is frustration, shame and disappointment...guilt.

All things come to pass, JP. Our feelings are ours and they are temporary...our choices are have permanent consequences. Respecting ourself means choosing to the best of our ability and knowing we cannot control outcomes...in God's design, eventually, all things come to pass.

Do you think God hurt when you wished he'd come and take you home...because it meant you see him as far away, out of reach, someone you must die to travel to where he is?

When he is the one who already did that?

You're not alone. You're as smart, wise, competent, whole, complete, amazing--as loved, longed for and cherished as I am...takes actual work for me to accept...which isn't approval.

Worth working on.

LA