Hello all. This is my first time posting here and I thank you in advance for taking your time to read this, and for those that respond.

I am currently separated from my wife, she is living 80 miles away from me with our two young children. This is the seventh time she has left me, and ripped our children out of the house.
The reason for this separation is that I vented to a friend that "I wish Beth would help me out more" referring to duties around the house, as she was staying at home with the children. She took it that I thought she was worthless, useless, and a bad mother and wife. When all I really meant was I wanted more help to do the house work and duties, I don't and didn't expect her to do everything by herself.

This blew up into a major argument, after she wouldn't give me a kiss goodnight that night, and when she crawled into bed, when I tried to snuggle with her, she rolled all the way across the bed and wouldn't acknowledge me. I made the big mistake of asking her if she wanted a divorce. And wow did that start a fight. We argued for hours hours it seems, but was probably more about 30 minutes, when she finally said yes she wanted a divorce and she would leave again with the kids the next day.

Now, this has happened to me 6 other times, this being the 7th, and I tried to stop her from leaving, letting her know I didn't want a divorce, that I see we have issues, she has some issues and I have some issues. But I didn't see any of them as divorce worthy material, and that if we made the commitment to work through them, we could, we just couldn't quit.

Well she left again and took the kids, even though our 3 year old son was saying that he wanted to stay with daddy, but she wouldn't allow that, and she couldn't even provide a reason as to why, other then she was the mom so she gets the kids.
Now, we were reconciling, we are back in Indiana, where she moved in our last separation from our home in Texas about 3 months before, and she has been living back with me for the last 6 weeks to 2 months or so, don't remember the exact day. and we had been making alot of forward progress in our relationship and marriage. During our month separation, she was out dating other men, and i don't know or even sure if I want to know if she had any sexual relations with any of them. But I do know that one of the men she was seeing, told her to grow up, and go back to her husband, back to her home, back to her marriage, and work things out, because from what he saw, she shouldn't be thinking about divorce with the problems that she said we had, as he said they were all workable, as long as we did the work on them.

Now she is either very angry at me for what she tells me or she is lieing to cover up her true feelings, as I can't really be sure. She says she is finally happy now for once in 5 years, she has found herself, she hates me and despises me, she is trying to go back to her exboyfriend who was responsible with EA and 4 of our seperations, and she holds him in her heart, she doesn't love me, all the times she said to friends and family of how much she loved me and how much I love her, and how she sees how much we have in store for another in our futures over the past 2 months has all been a lie. that she didn't love me when she got married to me, and that she lied to our priest, our families, and to God that she would love me and stand by me in the good times and the tough times. She tells me that the only way she won't hate me is to let her go and support her decision to be with Cory(OM) and she wants to start a family with him and be his partner in life.

So my question that I have been beating myself up over for the past week that this has happened, is when do you finally let go of someone that you love unconditionally and have forgiven unconditionally what they have done?

Well it's probably not the most coherent message, but it's the best I can do with about 4 hours sleep in a week.

Once again, thanks for your time in reading this or posting any thoughts on the matter.

My bet is that once she is available,the OM will run for the hills. It does sound like she has mental health issues. If you divorce,what about the kids? At the first sound of trouble,does she leave with them?
This has had to be devastating for the kids. A confused father,a mentally ill mother. Can you get counseling,for them and for you? She's playing a game and the kids will be the losers. The counselor should be able to help and it might help you gain custody in a divorce. She's not much of a Mother or wife. Is she running back because she runs short of finances?
Do your homework. Snoop. Put Keylogger on the computer. Hire a PI if you can. Check her cell phone records. She likes playing mind games with you. Don't let her know you are doing this.
Also,get tested for STD's she admits to having one boyfriend and there were probably more. She should be tested too but that's going to send her into over drive. But,unless you want a STD.both should be tested. I would not have relations until you decided what to do. Unless,she gets a lot of help AND WANTS IT,nothing will change. So,you have decisions to make. She thinks she should be able to call all the shots.
I would consult a lawyer and a counselor without her knowing it. You need someone in your corner.
You forgive her when she asks for it.....and means it. She has many issues. Put your kids first.

I have been talking to a counselor through "Stephen Ministries" through United methodist Church, and I have been completely open and honest with him, recognizing my faults that contribute to the breakdown of the marriage, and bringing to light her faults on breaking down the marriage. And he says that I should be the custodial parent here, in his belief.
Where my concerns are laying with the welfare of our children, she wants to go and play single, wants me to babysit so she can go out and club/party/single life and "find herself' and all that good stuff.

Unfortunately, my hands really are tied as to legal means, as we are both residents of Texas still until Nov. 24 2008, I am putting serious thought into moving back down there, filing for legal seperation, and voice that I would like custody of our children until divorce proceedings go on. But if i did that, I would more than likely remove our children from beth's life as she would still be here in Indiana, and like it or not, she is their mother, and i feel that she has the right to be in their lives.

My wife has made mention in previous talks and what not that she is Bi-Polar, as to your inquiry of mental illness.

As to the kids, my goal is to protect them and shelter them and be there for them and reassure them in the times ahead that none of this was their fault, and to help them be better people and give them a positive upbringing with love and gratitude and give them the best that I can do.

As to your question about the first sound of trouble leaving with them, no, she usually waits until there is some "real" trouble...imagined or not, but yes, her solution is to grab the kids and run and take them into a enviroment that i would have to say is less than healthy or positive. Like right now, she is staying with her best friend from childhood, and her parents...her best friend being a single mother herself, and her sister, also a single mother, all less than 20 years old. Chain smoking in the house is the norm there, and she is having our children call these people their meme and papa, which they aren't so shouldn't be bringing the kids up thinking that.

She is trying to use pretty much common enemies, two of them my parents, who me and them had a major falling out in Texas, and I essentially "divorced" myself from them, telling them they are no longer welcome in my life or my families life. Theres alot of history there. But she talks to them for about 30 minutes a day sometimes longer.

As to the other man, Cory. He is a minimum wage worker at wherehouse, has had a steady girlfriend for some time now, and has had no problems getting into the middle of my families lives so many times before, always talking about how much he loves her, how much he wants to be there for her, etc etc, i am sure alot of you guys here have heard a derivitive of it in one or another.

In my heart, i really don't want a divorce, as the committment I made to her, was honest and genuine. And I still do love her unconditionally even after all I have been through. Maybe it's Stockholm Syndrome?

As to finances, well we are both pretty well hosed. Our credit is shot after she left me in Texas, i packed all the kids stuff and left the rest in our house and abandoned it to foreclosure, to be with my children and to be with my wife, and to work on the issues and try to make our marriage work.

When I sit back and pray, and ask God for guidance and insight, I always hear in my heart and my soul to not let go. i wish I could get a neon sign showing me what way to go, or maybe even just a general direction. but as of yet I have my feelings of never let go. Maybe thats just my shattered heart and not the true feelings that are really trying to come through or what is being truly shown to me to do. i don't know.

Wow, another probably wrong and terribly incohgerent rant, and once again I thank all for reading and appreciate jewelldy for responding.

You need to have custody of your children, ryan. Their "mommy" is toxic. And yes, sure, she is their mother, she gave birth to them etc., etc. That doesn't matter. There are those out there who should not have children and should certainly have contact with their children curtailed. From what you have said, she is one of them. All mothers DO NOT protect their children. That is farce. I used to believe that, too, that all (human) mothers will protect their children.

But then I found out otherwise in a really bad way. And reading your posts reminds me of that experience.

You can try and save your marriage using the concepts here if you wish but you MUST protect your children first!! See an attorney, pronto!!!

Charlotte

Not only is your wife toxic, but the friend who ratted you out is toxic and merely told her to watch the ensuing results.

All due respect, no one should be encouraging divorce here or in any situation (unless a spouse is physically abused or kids are in physical danger).

Ryan, you are on the right path by wanting to save your marriage. I am kind of in a same situation as you, except I have no children. My advice to you is to pray everyday for your wife and grow yourself closer to God first and foremost. Do not give up! Through sorrow, suffering, and grief comes grace. Just imagine how beautiful your marriage will be when you and your wife are on the same page and forgiving for each other.

Stay strong and stay the path. God hates divorce and will use the suffering to teach you and your wife a lesson. That's what my hope and belief is for my situation.

LIS77...while I understand where you are coming from, Ryan does have children and there are more kinds of abuse and neglect than just physical abuse.

Ryan, if your wife is bipolar, she needs professional help....both psychiatric and psychological - - - they are different. Without that help, she will not be healthy.

If you can get her to marriage counseling, get this out in the open with a professional and see if they can lead her to get help for herself. Only if BOTH of you are healthy will you have a healthy marriage. You need to own your issues and she needs to own hers.

Well here is an update. I have tried to get her to come back so that we can do some hands on work on our marriage but she is still against the idea. She is talking and seeing the other man Cory, and does so on a constant basis (ie; daily). I had a very toxic telephone call with her today, where I said we owed trying to ourselves and to our children, and her stance was that she owes the kids her happiness, if she isnt happy 100% of the time its bad for them. And cause for a divorce.

I had my kids Tuesday to Today, and i was making em breakfast and told them that we were going to go back to mommies today, and my son grabbed my leg and told me he didn't want to go to mommies, he wanted his daddy. I asked him again if he wanted to see mommy and he said no, he wants daddy, and shi shi wants daddy (he was talking about our 18mo daughter, who he likes to talk for). This with everything else, just broke me into pieces, and gave me some resolve to start thinking about the kids and myself.

I do not like the living arrangements where she is at. The people she is staying with are nice people, but raging alcoholics and chain smokers. The "dad" there is a habitual DUI offender, and drinks a 18 pack of beer a night, then drinks whiskey and coke the rest of the evening. This disturbed me alot, but whats more disturbing to me is that after our kids go to bed, my wife will leave the house to go out with the OM to "talk". Leaving our kids in the custody of these damn near drunk off their asses people. WHAT!!!!!

So in my panic...resolve...dunno know why, I got the paperwork for a legal separation and am going to go for temp custody of the children until we go for divorce. My question is, whats the process for getting custody rights temporarily? Do I file and have to wait out for a hearing before I can get the custody or do I file and get custody until a hearing? Also, can I leave the state with custody to file for divorce in Texas, where we are still considered residents, and has a much better reputation for fathers rights in a divorce? Can I even file for separation in Indiana being a resident still of Texas? Or would I have to power of attorney a relative/friend that lives in Texas still to file the paperwork on my behalf?

The reason I want to go back to Texas isn't to be mean or put undo hardships on the wife or kids, but because I felt at peace in Texas, had a good job, have some "real" friends that are genuinely good people for a support network, my boss at my old job calls to bribe me back into moving down there and working for him again (loved that job). So I could be pretty well off financially, more able to provide for my family, have a support network. Versus a job that barely pays the bills, no support network, not the best environment to raise the kids in. I hate Indiana, the only reason I am here was to be near my kids and try to put the best effort into saving my marriage. I guess the best I could say is, I live in Indiana, but my home is in Texas.

I just really don't know what to do anymore. I could get an attorney, but honestly with the financial situation we are in right now, the money I spent on the attorney could be better spent on the children and bills and my other financial responsibilities.

A penny for your thoughts?

I think your children's safety has to be a priority and that you should do whatever you have to do to ensure they are okay.

Unfortunately, I don't know the ins and outs of getting temporary custody, but I do think you should at least consider talking to a few lawyers to see if they could give you some pro bono advice and/or charge you on a sliding scale for their services. I wouldn't tell your wife of your plans, just educate yourself, keep a file of what you've learned, and see what help is available out there for single fathers. Try to build a case and see what you can do for your children.

I would not talk to her about moving. She may panic and you need as much leverage and time to educate yourself as you can.

Good luck.

Go to www.unitedway.org and find the office nearest you. Call them and ask for help. they will steer you to whichever government offices, lawyers, whatever will help you. That's what they are there for, to help people in situations like you.

If nothing else, I would call Children's Protective Services and inform them that she is keeping your kids in an unsafe environment. They will investigate and probably send the kids to you.

Where's the best place for you to raise them? It sounds like your wife is not focused on the kids nor has a safe place to raise them part time. If Texas is better for you and them...then go. Your wife can follow if she snaps out of it, but it doesn;t sound like that is likely short term if at all based on your posts. Your window to do this is closing.

If there is no existing custody orders in place, both of you have equal rights to the children. There is nothing stopping you from taking the kids back to Texas as long as there are no current orders in place.

If you DO go back to Texas, file for divorce with custody immediately and ask for a TRO. A temporary order will determine who keeps the kids while the divorce is pending, who pays child support, visitation, etc. But it is an enforceable legal document that will prevent her from running with the kids back to the other state. There are no separation agreements in Texas.

You can always drop the suit if you two decide to reconcile later down the road. For now, you need to PROTECT those children as it's apparent their mother isn't.

My daughter is going through a similar situation (although they were never married) and unless she files for custody there is NOTHING she can do if he decides to grab the kids and run.

Protect those babies FIRST!

Don't keep starting threads over and over.

You need to act NOW. Call CPS on the home the kids are in and have them inspect it.

Get an emergency order established once you have the kids and take them to Texas. You can request an emergency hearing to get a temporary order established.

Stick with one thread because it makes it tough to follow someone from thread to thread. Stay here or on the other one.

Don't let fear keep you from acting. Your wife has gone nuts and is putting your kids in an unsafe environment and you must act NOW!