Ok,

So my WH is trying to make attempts, wanting to spend time, take trips, blah, blah, blah...

No mind you... I have tried and tried to get my WH to go away with me either when I go on business trips, or soccer tournaments, or just us... his respones was always... "I have to work!"

Ok, so 2 weeks post discovery of A, WH is 'committed' to working on us and now sends me an e-mail asking if I'd like to go away on a long weekend (normally I make the plans) and he'd plan everything.. Gosh, after 6 years together who hit him over the head with a hammer??!?!!

So, he's e-mailing me all this info, etc. I then explain I only have a couple of days left using ALL MY vacation for soccer, or taking who to this camp, etc..

Then I inquire here at work and find out that the timing of this trip is not good, my presence in the office is needed.

I e-mail WH expressing the bad news and .... no further contact..

WTF? I mean geesh, how many times did YOU shoot me down with my attempts for the SAME FREAKIN REASON and now I do it ONE TIME???

That has been one of my biggest LB Gripes is that he is SOOO One way.. not sure he'll ever get it.. but then again One Way personalties are selfish and more prone to A's I guess!

Just had to vent..

Maybe he feels you're rejecting his attempt. WSs tend to be self centered and not thinking from the other's perspective. Let it go and see what happens. At least he made some kind of an attempt, a lot of us would like to see even that happen. Hopefully it doesn't go away, but likely he made the attempt because he was afraid of losing you. A lot of WS do not want to lose the BS, they just want their cake on the side.

Did you take the time to tell him how much it meant to you that he wanted to spend time with you? Or, tell him you would love it if he planned a few trips with alternative dates so you can get one of the dates approved?

How about asking him to be flexible? Why can't he plan a short weekend or a day trip for the two of you since you can't get off from work for a long weekend? Did you suggest this to him? It may help if you guide him a little bit. He is probably feeling rejected right now. I know it's not fair that he should feel rejected after what he has done but that may be exactly what is going on. Rather then just shooting down his whole plan why not ask him to modify it to fit within your work schedule? The point is that he should still plan some time for the just the two of you. You both need it and I think you need for him to plan it!!!

MindShare

I also agree that this might sound like a rejection to him right now and he might misinterpret the signal. Make sure you let him know he is on the right track and perhaps suggest another time or alternative idea. If he has never offered to do all the planning, etc. I'd jump on it.

It also sounds like he is not that important to you. Maybe soccer, work, etc. come first. As important as those things may be to you, you need to make time for your relationship, especially now if that's what you want. You may not get many chances. Once things are back on track you can look for a better balance in your life. Not trying to judge, just an observation as I don't know you. . . .

You are soooo BLESSED...not overall..BUT, compared to OTHERS who have discovered that their spouse is having an affair..

By the time I discovered my H's affair, he was sooo "IN LOVE" with the OW that I was the LAST PERSON ON EARTH he wanted to spend time with...

I would have JUMPED AT THIS OPPORTUNITY to undo my mistakes...

PLAN A, PLAN A, PLAN A and then PLAN A some more..which is not about YOUR NEEDS..just HIS..at this time..not forever..just AT THIS TIME...

I know.. it looks like rejection.. he was looking at this specific NASCAR race that he wanted to goto.. We had gone in May.. hen I booked it and he, at the time did not want to go cause I was fighting for our marriage after the 1st incident (which actually just turned out to be an ongoing thing) But, we did have a blast and I had believed the line of crap he fed me back in March... So here we are and he wants to goto another race and stay in the same place... Yeah I can't b/c of work but He77 do I really want to re-live that knowing what i know now?

He came home tonight and presenting me with his EN's completed.

Sh(T he's not attracted to me.. so why stay? I have so much hatred and don't even want to be here now.. I'd rather be with people who find the good qualities I have and WANT to hang with me...

ME? I feel like I'm the consolation prize b/c I ruined his great A by calling the OWH.. well damn me.. I'm just about done.. I don't think I can keep going on like this.. Bless you all that can do these months of Plan A.. Like I said, I did the Plan A when the first incident happend.. and he had even said back then he wished I hated him so it would be easier for him to leave.. When I found that credit card bill with the hotel room charge back in March,. (found it in April after a MONTH LONG PLAN A... I HATED HIM!!!) but he pleaded with me, made it seem like it was this one time fling with someone he did not know... to find out it was his co-worker and he continued it on... DO I REALLY NEED TO BE WITH SOMEONE LIKE THIS>>> part of me feels I TOTALLY deserve better. I am a great mom.. he highlighted that in the EN's questionnair.. meanwhile his white trash lover ignored her own girls. Shame me.. I goto soccer tournaments, I get the kids in bed and I goto the hotel bar.. I have been propositioned so many times and I say 'No, I'm flattered but I really love me husband" meanwhile he's home screwing on me??? I hate him right now!

And.. further more he says our communication is bad.. HECK I know that.. if he does not have the TV on or the remote in his hand he is miserable. But what does he say.. I'm on the computer.. Which I have RARELY been on.. the only time I pull my laptop out is in bed when he's got control of the TV and watching what I don't like! So SHAME ON ME.. WHAT WOULD THE OW DO? I think she had it made.. she had the best of him and I got the crap cause he left her and came home and made my life miserable.. What cracks me up, he wants me to make 1 MILLION for my salary. I currently make double what he is making... and the OW is a peon at her job and live in a trashy house (yup in the same town)while we live in the upper scale house and apparently she even checked out our house and commmented on how big it is.. (B*TCH- I put the down deposit on it and it is in my name... if you left it to my WH with now credit and my bailing him out of his debt... you'd be living in your cars!)

Yup, shear hatred right now.. and yes, I fear coming home knowing my older girls were leaving me for the weekend to have fun, like I should be!

I need help..I am at the end of the noose that is wrapped around my neck. As i try to talk with the WH who supposedly wants to be with me and tells me who cares how the A ended ( it would not have ended until I called the OWH) he tells me it would have ended but now sure when... and I'm still here... when I can be with people who love and adore me... my WH doesn't but heck, He's got that TV remote glued to his hand.. and yes, I'm on the computer

Oh wait.. let me tell you about the conversation WH had with DS15.. (who is not his biological D but they had more of a relationship than she did with her own D) WH promised to talk wtih her alone by weeks end. He tell me he tried last night asking her if she wanted something to eat or playing a game with both her and my D13 asking who wanted to go with him to Florida this weekend.. You know what... the D13 whom he treated like crap researhed everthing to go away with thim and my D15 said an outright "no" so he let down the DS whom he hated all along an did not talk with the DS15 cause she is where I should be!

Oh and on the EN's questionnaire. .He wanted me to earn a million a year... WTF I already make double what he's making and take care of the household.. I am sooooo full of hatred that I wish I could leave right now!

Do you LOVE your husband and want to do YOUR PART to work on your marriage?

We can HELP you work on A PLAN to do that...work on YOURSELF...

You are not going to be able TO TALK sense into him...SORRY for what you are going through. I hear and FEEL your pain..BEEN THERE... but what comes NATURAL won't HELP you with this...

Oh, nthefog. I hear such anguish. I am so sorry for your pain. And I understand the anger and the hate. We all do. It's more than anyone should have to bear. But here we are. And you WILL survive this, just as the rest of us have. It's gonna take a while, though, so know that up front. Have faith.

It sounds like he's not out of his wayward mindset, so your most important task right now is to TAKE CARE OF YOU and stabilize your life. And part of that must be to let his hurtful words bounce off of you. Right now, he has no appreciation of what you're feeling, of what he's done to your world. He SHOULD, but he doesn't, and there isn't anything you can do right now to change that reality.

I KNOW how it feels to face each day with all that pain and fury roiling inside you. All of us here know. But do your level best not to spew it out at him. Hard. Really hard. HE deserves every bit of it, and more. But the thing is, it won't help. In fact, it will damage YOU more. Vent to your girlfriends. Vent here (must say, you're off to a great start on that already). But once YOU decide whether you want a marriage with this man, you must, must, must show him the very best of who you are. What he stands to lose if he doesn't do everything in his power to make it up to you. Of course, he never can, but you will need to see him WANT to and TRY to before you have a hope of letting him back into your heart.

This early into it, it isn't possible for him to give you much of anything good. He may well continue to say and do outrageous thing for a while longer. Give it time, hold on to yourself, and surround yourself with people who will help you take care of yourself.

That wanting you to make "a million a year" thing is fog talk, his own resentment for real or imagined wrongs you've inflicted, and it had the desired effect. Punched your buttons real good. But not grounded in reason, and not helpful to your cause (unless what you decide you want is a divorce), so ignore it. But look for ANY thread of useful information that you could use later to look into yourself. Not right now, if it hurts too much, but when you can.

Use this time to pull yourself together, whatever it takes. Counseling, exercise, getting into yourself, examining whatever it is that would make YOU a better person--physically, mentally, emotionally. For YOU. Maybe later, for the marriage, but for you whether you stay or go.

But most of all, understand that you are in the throes of something bigger than any of us, and you wouldn't be human if you weren't reacting like you are. Mortal blows cause agony. But know that at some point the violence will subside and your thought processes and judgement will again serve you. Don't make any major decisions now, if you can help it. Give yourself time to let the emotions settle down so your brain can have some breathing room. Talk your dear, trusted friends to death for a while. Tread water. Breathe.

And keep posting. We're here for you.