If you haven't read Neak's latest Dervish story (on Fem Hyg), you should!! It's hysterical.

Hey, it's still funny!!

For all those people who have had a colonoscopy.. enjoy. For those who have not had one, your day will come... so enjoy now.




This is from news hound Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal:


I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'


I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.


I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.


The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.


MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.


After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.


Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this is, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.


When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I
knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere.


I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.


There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that would be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.


'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.


I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.


ABOUT THE WRITER

Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald. On the subject of Colonoscopies. .. Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous.... . A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!


2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'


3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'


4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'


5. 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'


6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'


7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'


8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'


9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!


10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'


11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'


12. 'Wow, now I know why I am not gay.'


And the best one of all.


13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?

Great!! :RollieEyes: Just great!!! Simply marvelous! Wonderful! Magnificent! :crosseyedcrazy:



My doctor so gently says it's time to have my colon checked!

Oh thank yo Lil. I have been putting that procedure off for two years, even though colon cancer killed my Dad. I delivered my daughter naturally, so you would think that it would be no big deal. With me, I don't think the procedure itself is the problem, it's drinking that stuff. Yuk.

Ummmmm.... ok I briefly debated whether or not to tell about my experience. You lose; I'm gonna tell.

So, during my C-section, my bowel was perforated; among other things, I ended up with a temporary ostomy bag. That means they ... how do you say? ... tore me a new one. Gave me a new a-hole, complete with a baggie to catch the stuff coming out.

So at one point they were doing something that I think is somewhat similar to what Dave Barry was talking about. Except I think they were just pushing liquid up there, maybe not a camera. I'm not sure; I was on drugs.

But here's why I don't trust docs. Ok one of many reasons.

Think about it. If the end that is attached from the top, you know, that the food comes into from my mouth, my stomach, empties out my side ... doesn't that mean that the end attached to the bottom, isn't attached to the top part? It's just closed off, doesn't open anywhere.

Well that doofus :RollieEyes: that was pushing the liquid in from below, kept waiting for the liquid to come out the baggie! :MrEEk: I asked him how that could happen since it isn't connected, and he said, oh yes both ends are connected... after a few minutes (wondering anxiously what he was doing to my insides!) I said again that the way my doc had explained it, the bottom end wasn't attached, it was just closed off... with the nurse giving him a funny look, he finally got it and said, ok you're prolly right, and stopped trying to force the liquid out into the baggie...

I wonder if this is TMI...

I don't think they're gonna get me in that doctor's office now....Oh, dear!!!

It was a very simple procedure. I'll tell you about it sometime but right now I'm going to sleep since I've studied Advanced Cardiac Life Support all day and have to go to class tomorrow to try and learn how to save the dummies. Can't wait.

Don't be afraid of your colonoscopy. You won't even know you had it. Let's put it this way. I have no memory of the things it is alleged that I said during the procedure! :MrEEk:

Yeah, cinder, you'll just become the butt of many jokes, that's all. You don't have a THING to worry about!!

Sticky First Date
==================

If you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I hope you're sitting down when you read it. This is probably the funniest date
story ever, first date or not!!! We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake.

Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had.

The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter... Snowing and quite cold...and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City,
Utah.

It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before. The outing was fun but
relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon.

They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte.

They were about an hour away from anywhere with a restroom and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold
it, which she did for a while.

Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let
her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started.

In the deep snow, she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself.

Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic, and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All
she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing, however, she soon became aware of another sensation.

As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender.

Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was
quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humour of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about 'what is taking so long' with a reply that indeed, she was 'freezing her butt off' and in need of some assistance!

He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he
burst out laughing.

She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma.

Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something
hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal.

Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to
get her free.

So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender. As the
audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Perhaps that should be 'pants down.'

And you thought your first date was embarrassing.

Jay Leno's comment...
'This gives a whole new meaning to being pissedoff.'

Oh, and how did the first date turn out?
He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.

As I was reading it, I was wondering if she ever saw the guy again!!!!!

Dear Mum & Dad ,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers
Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone!
I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform.
No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!!
Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs, but there's
no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil, with
laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year!

All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of cake!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I
gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks
like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 192 cm and 98 kg and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 170 cm and 52 kg wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to
get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sheila


:twobyfour:

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, and then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.


The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering.


A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman, "I couldn't help but notice" he said, "that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you ok?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you," she replied. "I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."


The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

The woman nodded, "Black Pepper."

Today, I got an epidural steroid injection in my right SI joint. So, they roll me into this room and have me roll from the gurney onto the table thing with the x-ray sort of machine over it. And they pull my top up and my pants down and then the good-looking doctor walks in. Nothing like mooning a man who is going to jab needles down into the bones in your bum.

A man woke up with a terrible headache after a long night of drinking. He looked over at the nightstand to see a glass of water and two asprin. He sat up and saw that the outfit he wore the night before was washed and neatly pressed and hanging on the door. He touched his forehead and felt a huge bump at the top which hurt like the dickens. He took the asprin and glanced around the room.

He looked next to him and found a rose with a note. The note said, "Hon, I love you very much. I went to the market to buy things to make your favorite meal. I'll be home a little later. Love, Jill"

Baffled, he got up and went into the kitchen where he found his son sitting down and eating breakfast.

He noticed that the house looked fantastic and he could smell cleaner in the air, but noticed that the coffee table was broken.

"What happened last night?"

His son looked at him and said, "You came home very drunk around 3 AM. You walked in the door and passed out in the hallway. Mom heard you and came out to get you. She was helping you up when you puked on yourself. You stumbled forward, slipped in your own puke and then slammed your head on the new coffee table. Mom picked you up and took you to the bedroom. She was pretty ticked at you.

She managed to get you to the bed, laid you down and started to take off your pants. At that point you sat up and yelled at her, 'Hey! Get off me lady! I'M MARRIED AND LOVE MY WIFE!'"

"Push down gently on inner tube to make cervix look plump ("pouty", if you will). "

Aw pom, thank you for the most heart-warming, feel-good joke I think I've ever heard!