Here is some basic information about me and my situation.

My wife and I were married last September 2007. I am now 23 and she 20. Her mother and grandmother are diagnosed with Bi-polar disorder and I believe she has it also. We had a very rough had rocky time while dating. She was very self-centered and everything in her life had to be filled with drama. I honestly think she sabotaged many blessings from God in order to be able to complain about her "crappy" life. We dated for a little over 3 1/2 years during which she got mad and tried to break up with me about 60 times or so. Always changed her mind in the morning though. I caught her dating two other guys. 1 of them she started dating 2 months after we were engaged. And then about a month before or wedding she met this really nice guy and work at the local run down grocery store. I spent quite a few breaks with her and met the guy on several occasions. He was nice and I enjoyed talking to him. I was a little jealous because they were close but he was 34 and she 19 so I didn't think to much about it. In February she began to get distant and act depressed. Now these emotions were not too far from normal so I thought it was another BPD cycle so I gave her space and tried to supporting and loving. By April she said she wanted a divorce and left our apartment. I was able to convince her to come back home on the premise that I would stay at my parents (that way I knew were she was). after about a week she decided to come back. Now looking back I think she was shammed into it. She did quit her job but insisted that they were just friends even though she stayed the night at his house. Slept on the couch, or so they said.

5 weeks later she left again. This time was so different because there was so much hatred and rage in her eyes. I fought for a week for the marriage till one day I got home from work and she was gone. I had no idea where she went and see wouldn't answer her cell or email me back, so I kinda gave up and accepted that I had no control and the marriage was over. Then about two weeks ago after being gone for 2 months she called me and said she wanted to come back. We talked and I found out she was pregnant and no idea who the father was. Well she left after a week and a half saying that she loved me but wasn't in love with me. and that she still wants to be friends and hang out with me on occasion. But that she tried to be my wife and felt nothing and more importantly that the baby deserves to be with its dad. So I know where she is living but once again she won't let me contact her. She did promise to keep away from both me and the other guy because it wouldn't be fair to the other person.

She said she doesn't know why she had the affair but my guess are that I gave her space when I should have been trying to drowned her with my love. I know that she likes to make her life sound bad for pity from other people and she could never relate to me because i had an "easy" life according to her and this guy has had a bad life. She is also very insecure and has low self-esteem. I think that there is no chance I could ever get her into a counselor, either for the marriage or for her possible BPD.

After this she was gone for a week only to come back and "try to work" on things which of course only amounted to us forgetting about everything. While I was not happy with this I was more concerned with getting her out of the fog and the withdrawal states.She has since left her toxic friends and moved in with her mother, which is going from real real bad to just real bad. SO here I am two weeks later and early this morning after having sex with me she asks, "Does this feel right to you" Of course I ask her what she means and she just says "us" And then we'll talk about it in the morning. I end up sleeping on the coach because I knew where she was going with this. When she finally got up she came out and asked me if I was going to mope around the house all day. So i asked her what she wanted to do and she said that she just does feel anything towards me. Like I am just a friend(Same things she was saying when the A went from EA to PA and when she moved out)I ended up telling her that she can't expected all of our emotions to right themselves in a week and that she can't really say we worked on things because we didn't. So I told her to take a few days a think the stuff over and then we would talk.

Me personally I think that she got tot he point where she came back because of her morals but she never really wanted too. Then last night I think that she got to the point in the last couple of days where I was making her happy and she wasn't thinking about the OM and when that hit her she got confused. I have been spying on her real good I am am about 95% percent positive that they have not been in contact since she has come back, So knowing my wife I think that i have between 3 days and 2 weeks till she meets up with the OM again. I am so close to the point where my love for myself trumps my love for her and I just give up. I don't want to but I don't know what else to do. Please advise me. She works in about 4 hours today. Should I go back over there and talk with her or should i talk with her tonight, should i let her chose. I am so lost and torn as to the outcome I even want any more. Thanks for you time and help

Please I don't mean to sound desperate but I really feel like I need some help or guidance.

Well here is my advice. Run for the hills and get out of the marriage. If you do not you are in for pure helll. Your wife sounds just like my mom.

You have been married a year and she is already out screwing other men?? Are you serious? Do you think it is going to get better? Marriage does not usually get better than the first year when it is about as happy as it can be because you don't have all of the years of resentment that have built up.

She has mental problems. She broke up with you 60 times when you were dating and was sleeping with other guys. Dating is suppose to be a time when you weed out girls that treat you like crap and cheat on you.

She is treating you the same way now as when you dated. She will probably always come back to you because no matter who knocks her up she can come to you and get needs met.

I am sorry for what you are going thru but you need to see a counselor yourself and find out why you married a girl that would treat you like this before you were married? And to find out why you still put up with it.

I am sorry to be so harsh but I feel horrible for people who have a spouse that changes and cheats on them but your wife has been doing it forever.

You will never be successful in your career or life with a woman like this. My dad ended dying before his time putting up with a life of hell.

Again, please get some help. You are to young to throw your life away and love away on a woman that will continue to abuse you.

Dating is a interview process, kind of like when you apply for a job. Your wife has FAILED miserably. Unless you make a run for it, you can expect this type of behavior in the future. You have forgotten the past, and you will be doomed to have her repeat it. Your life-mate is out there somewhere but this woman isnt her.

breaking up 60 times?
leaving for two months?
now shes pregnant?
morals can't help her, morals don't do anything without personal boundaries with them
shes only 20 and she loves drama

I can picture you 10 years down the line raising her kids, while she takes off about every 18 months and comes home pregnant like she was out shopping, and it wasnt at walmart. UGH

You are probably very attached to her due to your young age when the relationship started. I feel for you.

I am not for marriage at all costs. Get a D, and develop and implement a better screening process for future applicants that does not include how quick they jump into bed.

Khuck,

You are 23 and she is 20, pregnant with another man's child and says she doesn't love you, broke up with you 60 times before and is now going back to OM.

You have no kids with her. Move on and D.

She sounds like a manipulator like my WW, but you are in for a short enough period that you can get out. She will try to get you back once you make the decision, but don't take the bait. Trust me, I know, it leads to a life of misery once you are in too deep with kids of your own.

SWW

Thanks guys I know that you are right and that my life would be much simpler, peaceful, and one day more fulfilling with out my wife in it. It sucks to say that but even though i hate to admit it is probably true. I knew when I asked her to marry me that I would be in for a rough life but I loved her and I thought that once we were married that things would get better. So much for that. It is just so hard because so much about her was what I wanted in a wife. I thought that we could work on the things that I knew were there and needed to be changed. It is really scary because I look back and see just how pathetic I acted and how I allowed my self to be used and yet if she came to my house today I would take her back in a heartbeat. I just hate it because I know that I am not strong enough to let her go and still say no the next time she comes back.

Given all the facts....Bi-Polar, Cheating, Pregnant w/OM baby, Not In Love anymore....what possible outcome are you hoping for at this time? Her to take you back, NC w/OM, raise the OM's baby, get help/meds for Bi-Polar, her to fall back in-love for you. That is alot to have happen and it doesn't sound like she is even close to that at this time. The OM will be involved with the kid.

You are going to get alot of the "Your young, no kids...count yourself as lucky that you can cut your losses etc. But only you know what you want. But looking at the whole picture...some have hills to climb to get there and your facing the Himalaya Mountains. This can't be fixed quickly if she is going to keep the baby and have the OM involved with the kid. Heck she is not even sure she wants to get back with you...as you stated it might just be her conscious.

I would takle one issue at a time. Starting with her trying to love you again. everything else is moot if that can't be achieved.

Khuck, the others are right, you have made a serious mistake in your choice of a wife. This is doomed to failure. You cannot change her and would be damning yourself to a life of he11. Any love you might feel right now will be long gone soon enough anyway. It would be a CRIME to bring any children into such an unstable marriage. Run for the hills and thank the good Lord that you got out before you dragged innocent children into this mess.

Get out before she can ruin your life even more and use this as LESSON about using good judgment when you pick the mother of your future children.

You only seem to be worried whether to stay married or not.

You scare me because you have not even addressed that you will have to raise the OM's child. Your time and money. Then what if the OM wants shared custody, visitation? How will NC be maintained between OM and WW so that the PA does not restart?

As other's have said here and for the same reasons that they have said. It's time to cut your losses.

I hear you all very well and just to help out a little we do not know who the father of the child is. It is honestly a 50-50 shot for either me or him. I knew going in that a marriage with my wife would be very rocky and that it would be harder than most but I loved her for a lot of good reasons but I know that I was attached for a lot of reasons (her family got a long with me better than her,she had a magnificent body, fun and excitement with the highs and lows, it appealed to me to have everybody's pity and admiration for putting up with so much but yet still loving my wife)that probably kept me there when I should have ran.

Typing that makes me almost hate myself. A lot of my problems are self inflicted. I married a woman that I knew would love herself a whole lot more than she loved me knowing that I would be hurt but still went a head with it.

I did just get back from delivering some of the articles from this website to her. Pretty sure that she has or has plans to resume contact with the OM. I almost wonder if she reads the articles and puts them to heart if I have just made their relationship that much stronger.

I still have hope that she will come back again and that with counseling she could be a good wife but admitting any of her problems or the would counselor was a major LB for her. I just wish I had the strength to write her off in my book and move on. I just don't know if I am strong enough to do that. Thanks for listening to my wandering rant and for attempting to keep my feet on the ground.

Khuck, all those reasons you gave for being in love with her will not be enough to sustain a marriage. Her destructive behavior virtually guarantees it can't last. You can't stay in love with a person who does not foster love, but goes instead to great extremes to destroy it. Nor can you change her. You cannot change a person against her will.

When choosing a partner, it should be done, not solely on the basis of feelings, but by looking for traits that can sustain a marriage. Your W has none of those traits. Your feelings will change, I assure you, so they are a very bad barometer for selecting a suitable marriage partner.

What concerns me most, my friend, is that this is the person you chose to be the mother of your future children. WHAT WERE you thinking? Why would you sign on for this? Can you look at this objectively and see how very misleading your feelings have been in making this dreadful selection?

Khuck - get a paternity test ASAP. If not your child, file for D ASAP and expedite getting her our of your life. This girl is bad news. This is a learning opportunity that you've been placed in.

You'll get over the pain and have your entire life in front of you.

Some short term pain will prevent a life time of pain. Think about that.

The thing about people with bpd is that they are totally normal when the bpd is not in certain parts of the cycle and of course at other times it is he!!. But there is no doubt that she is not the same person today that she was a 1 or even 2 years into our relationship. Between her BPD and being in the fog it did get bad. I just keep telling myself that If I can get her out of the A and onto a website like this one and then with some meds she can learn to control it and things can go back to normal. However, like many of you have said before you cannot change a person. I think that as recently as a couple of days ago she was on the brink of getting through the withdrawals and I was begin to to think that we had a chance with the huge mess. thinking that God was beginning to answer my prayers. I totally realize that I put to much faith in the future to change my wife and probably never should have even gotten to the point of engagement but unfortunately I am here.

Fortunately for you He is (assuming the child is NOT yours) giving you a second chance. You can proceed with the D, I'd recommend an attempt at complete annulment, and get on with your life.

Like ML said - short term pain vs. a life of pain. Not a hard choice, is it?

How do you put up with the pain? I understand I am here because of a decision that I made, but in all honesty both my family, her family and her friends are totally baffled by all of this. even her mother that has lived the same lifestyle that my wife is beginning cannot believe that her daughter is following in her footsteps. So how do you move on knowing that you should not be with you love and that she is out screwing the OM and I am stuck trying to cope and get through this? I just don't know how many people have experience with BPD spouses but just so scary what they are capable of doing to both extremes both positive and negative.

Khuck, thankfully, you have realized your error, MANY DON'T and damn themselves and their children to a lifetime of this. You have a CHANCE to change course before the stakes get higher.

The pain you are going through right now from her affair is the worst pain most people ever experience. People have nervous breakdowns, suffer years of post traumatic stress disorder, commit suicide and homicide from this. This is not a life that any sane person would damn themselves to. Is that the future you want for yourself?

Wouldn't you rather take steps to ensure you have a happy future?

The "love" you feel for her today will be gone soon enough with her abusive behavior. Her behavior cannot possibly sustain a marriage. You cannot change your wife. You know this. HOPE IS NOT A PLAN.

Thanks again for the ones of you who have folled my thread and told me what I knew but was too afraid to admmit. I am feeling a whole lot grounded both mantally and emotionally. It was said that the pain that I am feeling is due to the A. I think that I would disagree... to me I have had 3 months to come to terms with it. I guess I would say that the pain is due to the fact that the last few weeks that we were back together I had hope that we were making progress. we were begining to meet each others ENs and talking about getting her evaluated for her BPD. IHave come to find that the OM emailed her Saturday. That was probally the best thing that could have happened to me. It sucks to say that but i know it is true. this might be a dumb question but here goes... How do you all pray for your WS or STBX. David prayed that the Lord would destroy his enemies but that kinda crosses into bitterness. should I pray that God brings missery their way or just exclude them from my prayers. Thanks for your help

""Khuck - get a paternity test ASAP.""

Dude, I would get an STD test while your at it!!

You are living in a soap opera, my friend.

Why put up with the anguish, grief, and heartbreak this young pregnant lady has given, still is giving and WILL ALWAYS GIVE to you if you stay with her.

You have no idea what a normal, calm, loving relationship can be, living in this toxic environment for the last 4 1/2 years. Things can be soooo much better without her in your life.

YOU should be doing the disappearing act.

IMHO

kirk

I would not pray for God to bring misery. Exclude STBX from your prayers in that's. That's not to say you can't wish them ill. Pray for strength and peace of mind for yourself.