This is long, but if you take the time to read it at least you will have more than a few words to base your response on. I was married for 23 years. The first 20 were great. But it ended in May this year. With our relationship breaking down, you see he was going through intense stress financially (his business was failing). We broken up in July last year. He had no money so I could not kick him out. I moved into the spare room. He started to date finding many women on online dating sites, and asking women out he met during the week. I did not. But him dating while living with me really sucked and I was a wreck. We ended up reconciling on November but the contact with the other women continued despite him telling me he was only friends. But after a couple of months of me being suspicious (call it women's intuition) I checked his email and sure enough he was trying to convince another woman to go on a second date, she was the perfect woman for him. There were other emails "Hi I'm xxx and we met on yyyy. I'd love to get to know you better.". I was sick for 2 hours. I confronted him and he denied it. When he opened his email I showed him the email he said he was being stupid, it meant nothing. He had dated her when we broke up and wold not really have dated her again. But a month after that I found text messages to other women "Good night gorgeous. Sweet Dreams" and to another "Good morning sexy". He said he was being silly, they meant nothing, he enjoyed the attention and found it hard to stop. He promised he would stop and even changed phone numbers. But a couple of months later I found another one "Good morning my most precious princess" and I kicked him out of the house. Enough was enough.

I understood that a 40 year old man who had been devoted to his wife, who had been separated and got so much attention from other women really enjoyed that. But I gave him enough chances.

Since May I went through more hell and back. We were so together, so good together, soulmates and best friends. How could my guy consider being with other women? It gutted me. He said I was wonderful and would always love me, that he was so sorry - he is just really ***ed up. He wanted to be friends forever. Though I preferred to have a clean break and not see each other, I agreed and saw him once a week for coffee, walking the dogs, lunch whatever. We also have debts in my name I need him to help with. We always got on well when we saw each other, relaxed and fine.

So its been 6 emotionally draining months. 3 weeks ago he told me he had found someone "special" and was in a relationship with her for 2 months, but it didn't work out and he left. He met her because she was a friend of a friend who said said she had a couple of spare rooms and he was welcome to stay there....a relationship developed. When he told me I was fine but a few hours later on my own I was gutted all over again, to think of him making love to another women, snuggling, holding her like he did with me, having those special feelings towards her, it was awful. I was confused why I felt that way because I knew intellectually that he was doing whatever however he wanted to whoever he wanted. But the reality of knowing it broke my heart when I thought there was nothing left to be broken anymore. I ams still recovering from that, but I am a confident successful woman who doesn't 'need' a man to be 'complete' and so I will be ok.

The thing is, he told me a week ago, in tears that he has been a complete idiot and wants us to reconcile. I told him he was delusional. He said he would fight for me, for as long as it takes, that he would change his ****ed up life, win me back and treat me right and get back what we once had. He said he loves me more than life itself. I said just move on, but he said no matter how much time it takes, he will make things right.

I am considering reconciling. We would need couples counselling. But I don't know if I am going to try a reconciliation or tell him to just leave me alone. I want what we had back, but we are not those people anymore having gone through so much in the last few years. And if we get back together, and he falls on stressful times again, how do I know he won't turn to attention from other women again? I understand why he did. I was no fun anymore. I was worried about how to pay the rent, how to pay all the bills, worried about mounting debt, worried about why he didn't get a job instead of trying to rebuild his business and getting into more and more debt. That makes a not fun wife, but she loved him and supported him with all she had.

This man was once so devoted to me he would never consider another woman or hurting me. So he changed. He was very stressed and women were a great distraction. They all had problems and he was their knight in shining armour, a great listener, lots of wonderful advise and they flocked to him in droves and he couldn't get enough of it....and he couldn't stop.

8 years ago I had an affair with a man at work. We flew together for work purposes to another city very often for 5 days a week and we had a fling. I never loved him, but I was attracted to him. He gave me so much attention, told me I was beautiful and wonderful. I never had sex with him, but I went way too far and what I did was wrong. There was email, online chatting while my husband was in the same room - it was wrong, I betrayed my husband. Things just got our of hand with me and this guy. My husband found out when using my computer one day. I was horrified and ended the affair immediately. It took a year for my husband to stop ranting and raving with his emotional pain, but we got through it.

Can a reconciliation work? I do not want to make the wrong decision. Am I better off just continuing my heartbroken journey knowing one day I will feel ok again?

We are human, we are fallible. My husband and I got through that. Why can't we get through this? How do I know if I should be open to him winning me back and or if I should shut down his hopes right now? Can you help me?

I have only been on this site since August and my situation does not involve an affair. However I do know a bit about making mistakes, realizing them and then wanting another chance. Real change is possible but it is taking awhile. Here is my two cents:

You two have had a wonderful marriage for many years but in the last 2-3 it has gone downhill -- fast. Those same loving feelings for each other are there but buried under a lot of hurt, anger, fear and resentment.

Separation certainly takes its toll and I know you want to give up and just be by yourself. Read the books -- Love Busters and His Needs, Her Needs -- you will be amazed at what you read. Get your husband to read them too if he is willing.

I pray that you find it in your heart to give your husband another chance -- if you both want it, your marriage will come out of this stronger and you will be able to face tough times in healthier ways.

Some of the other posters can give better advice on how to proceed when an affair is involved --I have not had that experience so I can not weigh in.

Take care, MMM

There is no reason you cannot reconnect, IF you both spend the next couple years apart and in therapy (personal and together). It's not a requirement, but I see two people who haven't been connecting properly and who find themselves drawn to destructive behaviors. It would be smart to find out why before you start living together. It would be worth 2 years of separation for a healthy next 20-30 years.

Also, there is a TON of good information here on how to ensure a strong relationship. Both of you should be reading it and participating in the questionnaires, even the weekend workshops if you can afford them.

Bottom line, if he truly DOES love you more than life itself, he will be willing to do this work to get you back. Great way to find out.

I think there's hope here too. You're both going to have to roll up your sleeves and get to work on your marriage though. You both need to put the marriage first. Read the concepts, and fill out the questionnaires as Cat has said. I would recommend reading more on Dr. H's view of reasons to separate before you make a decision on that part though.

In your situation, it seems as though you are both vulnerable to emotional affairs, which can lead to physical affairs, and being separated may increase the possibility of that happening again.

You may also consider making an appointment with Steve Harley to get his take on your situation over the phone. There is a lot to read here, so both of you should try to get on board, and just see where it takes you.

It certainly can't hurt you to give it a solid try. You've been married 23 years, so why not make a committment together to work on your marriage for a certain period of time (some say 1 month for each year of marriage), earnestly using MB principles, before you make a firm decision on whether to stay together or go your separate ways. You've both invested a huge chunk of your lives into your marriage up to 3 years ago, so don't throw it away if you aren't 100% sure.

Things can happen during a marriage that can derail it, but it sounds like you're both overall good for each other and should seriously try to get back on track and give it a try - only this time with the guidance of a good marriage counselor or at least the MB principles here.

Thank you so much. Being in Australia I do not have access to the same things you do, such as the workshops or Steve Harley. I could call him from here though. I could try to find workshops here and a counsellor. Counsellors here ... my experience is i has been hard to find good ones.

MB Principles. I need to look around the site and find them.

2 years apart in therapy. That is a long time. But I guess investing a couple of years for the next 40 years together is worth it. Potentially.

I will see how hard he fights for me. His actions will prove how much he does want to reconcile. If he is persistent, I will recommend counselling. Meanwhile I will go and find the MB Principles and more on Steve Harvey.

Read about the Basic Concepts here: Basic Concepts

Print off the love buster questionnaires for husbands and wives after you've read about the basic concepts. Fill them out, exchange them, and work on eliminating them. Find the Questionnaires here: Questionnaires

Here's a question and answer article on how to overcome love busters: Overcoming love busters article

I was wondering about this comment -- are you going to tell him that you are considering reconciling? Or are you going to let him operate with the understanding that you want a divorce?

I would think it may be dangerous to let him hang out there too long -- he may get discouraged and move on. I don't know . . .just a thought . . .can some vets weigh in?

My advice is always to be honest - no matter what. What good is a marriage - even a relationship - if you can't be completely honest with each other? IMO, that's where marriages always mess up anyway - they stop being honest.

Rainbowblue,
I don't want to be a "thread-buster" but just wanted to thank you for your insight to my post. I read through yours and wish you all the best. Although I don't feel qualified to chime in, I think the best thing is to just be forward and honest with him, don't let him guess. Actions will prove how much motivation is there, but if he feels they are not working it can be discouraging for him. Wish you well.