I am just really confused and appreciate any advice.

I am in the third year of our marriage (we dated for 5 years before getting married and lived together). I have a really bad timing with my husband on everything. We hurt each other a lot in past 2 years and working on the relationship.

My husband finally is willing to change and he changed a lot and now behaves the same way as when we started dating (I know every woman's dream). I know I should be happy about this, but this makes me really feel under a pressure to be be "in love". He does not want me to pretend (I tried) and he wants me to behave like I am in love. But I don't feel that way right now. I love him, but I am not "in love." What do I do?

To make things worse, I decided to take some time away and discovered that a friend (a male) at whose house I stayed is much more compatible with me on daily basis than my husband. I returned, but I did not miss my husband while being away (almost 3 weeks) and now everything he does annoys me. I hate not having breakfast together, I hate him not changing his clothes when coming back from work, I hate him watching TV while trying to fall asleep, I hate him being all over me with expectations etc.

What does this mean? Is this over? How do I fall in love again with my own husband?

How did this come to pass?

You must go NC with this OM.

Your infatuation with this OM is keeping you from accepting the changes your BH has made. NC with the OM will allow you to accept your BH's change, and develop the feelings that you will need to reconnect to BH.

Imag,

If you compare ALL the qualities of OM and your H how does it work out. I mean by that that OM is often broke, unemployed, long history of infidelity, and these defects are explained away with sweet stories of victimization or misfortune on his part. Can't tell from you post if this is true, but you might need to re-examine your H in a different light.

NJ

People love how they feel when they are with someone who treats them well, acts like they love them...in other words, positive feelings follow positive strokes. The problem is, most of us don't have just positive interaction with our mate...or anyone. Given time, OMs ardor will cool off too. Make NC with OM and concentrate on your H and M...do fun things together, good conversation, etc. Start OVER! Don't expect it to happen overnight, but do give it every chance. Understand too that to men, sex often means something different than to us...they often want to "fix" broken relationships with sex, they use that to draw close to you, yet when we are in a strained relationship, that's the last thing we want! We want to fix the relationship first. Just understand that it's not that he's trying to put yet another demand/pressure, on you but rather that he's trying to be close to you and make things right with you. Try letting him. Try exhibiting a "by faith" behavior with him, that if you do what you should do in your relationship, and he does what he should do in the relationship, the feelings will follow naturally, but it will take some time for that to happen.

Sorry, I am new to this forum. Would someone please explain what NC, OM and BH (assuming H is husband mean)?

Yes, I am trying to start over, I understand that that is what I should do, but it is really, really hard. I am just so miserable every day. I am trying to be nice and receptive and loving, but it is exhausting mentally. I can barely get through the day, holding tears in all the time (and I am not a cry baby type.)

Compatibility with my friend feels completely natural while my H does not even understand what I want. Is wanting to have breakfast together such a big deal? All I want are really simple things, why is it so difficult? Did I just pick an incompatible person to live with and now I finally realized it?

Will my feelings change even if I can't stand right now my H to be super nice to me?

What you need to understand is that love in a marriage is not a feeling it's a commitment to your husband that is unconditional. Marriage is not something that you fall in and out of, it is a covenant you made with your husband and God til death do you part, for better or worse. The feelings you have for each other will come and go in direct corrilation with how each of you needs are being met. You have to look at your husbands effort to change somethings to met your needs as his showing his unconditional love for you. Old habits are hard to break and it takes time. Don't try to do it all on your on. Get some good Christian counseling from your pastor or if you don't attend church find a local one to help you. All of us have selfish desires we are born with and if we act on them we can't possibly meet the needs of each other in a marriage. What they mean by NC is no contact with the OM, other man. If you are comparing what a new relationship is like to the one with your husband you are only fooling yourself because the other man is going to do anything possible right now to met your needs and that is going to look like something so much better than what you have with your husband. Don't belive that lie. Cutoff all contact with the other man and focus on the lifelong commitment you made with your husband and God. The more changes your husband sees in you trying to meet his needs the more he will want to met yours. If both husband and wife would just meet each others needs, we would all have the happiest marriages possible. But there are so many varibles that men don't understand about women and women don't understand about men. Then throw in how each of us were raised and our different personalites things can get so far from the focus of what made us fall in love with each other in the first place. That's why all marriages need good Christian counsel to show us how those differences effect how we communicate with each other and the true meaning of what God intended marriage and family to be.

Welcome. You are in a difficult place emotionally, and these boards are a great source of help. Some of the more recently betrayed spouses here will probably be a bit hurtful in their comments to you. They are in a great deal of pain and it comes out in their posts as attacks on wayward spouses like yourself. If you can read those posts without becoming defensive, there is great information in them. If you find them too offensive, block the offending posters (click on their name, then profile, then you can bock them).

NC - no contact
OM - other man
BH - betrayed husband

You and your husband do not sound at all incompatible to me. He is not an addict, he does not abuse you, he does not have a gambling problem. Those type of things make people incompatible. You find it easy to be with your friend because you share good times and do not have a history of small resentments or offenses built up. You haven't endured the drudgery of messy homes, strained finances, or difficult inlaw relationships. Basically what you have with OM (other man, your friend) is a fantasy. You had that, and more, with your BH (betrayed husband) at one point or you would not have married him.

Have you told your husband that it's important to you that you have breakfast together? What was his reaction?

Absolutely! Right now you can't stand for your H to be super nice to you because it threatens your world as you have constructed it. You've told yourself how wonderful OM is, and that your BH is impossible to live with. When your BH is super nice, it goes counter to your notion that OM is better than anyone else, and it makes it hard to villify your BH. So you get angry.

How did you meet OM?
Is he married?
Does he have children?
Do you have children?
How long have you been M (married)? <- three years
How long have you known OM?
Does your H know about OM?

Ok, so here are some answers:

How did you meet OM?
I met him at my graduate school. We did our second masters together and were classmates.

Is he married?
No, he is not married and not in a relationship with anyone. And he is few years younger than me.

Does he have children?
He has never been married and does not have any children.

Do you have children?
I don't have any children, neither does my H.

How long have you been M (married)?
2.5 years.

How long have you known OM?
I have known him for one year, we were friends.

Does your H know about OM?
All my H knows is that OM is my friend.

I understand what you mean by a fantasy. But I believe there is more than that.

My H and I are complete opposites, we have always been. We have different educational level (I have 2 masters degree, my H never finished college), we grew up differently (I am a foreigner, he is American), we have different family background (poor intellectual vs. rich), we have different ideas about most things in life (e.g. I am a super clean and neat person living in a tiny apartment with a messy person for years and cannot take another day like that, etc.). At some point we had a strong attraction and now it seems from my view point like it is completely gone. My H feels strong attraction now and I don't, so this makes me feel under huge amount of pressure. We have tried talking about it, but he thinks that I should just be "in love."

The OM and I are like clones. This is not what I expected to find out when we became friends. We have same educational level, grew up in the same culture, we have extremely similar childhood experiences, same ideas about most things in life. We also have a very strong physical attraction. I know it sounds crazy, but we understand each other on a deep emotional level even without words. I have never met anyone who is so much like me without even trying. We even have the same bad personality traits.

I am so confused. What do I do?

Your post has really pushed some buttons with me. Everything you have posted is just you trying to justify your thoughts of screwing OM to yourself. Your reasons of being complete opposites with your H and having everything in common with OM are bs. My WW told me it was scary how much her and her OM had in common. Her OM was the male version of her she also told me.

Being miserable and the compatibility thing with your friends, she said them to me also
I suppose you are thinking that you never were really in love with your H. and you got married for all the wrong reasons. I’m sure you have all sorts of reason to justify what are about to do. When you married you H I’m sure you were in love. You were together for a reason and got married for a reason. Thinking of not being with some OM because you H is messy is complete crap.

All these reasons you are giving are the same crap excuses other WW and WH use. Read some of the other threads here.

Use the material on this site to make your marriage what you want it to be or file for D. Your H doesn’t deserve what you are preparing to do to him.

Pick up a book. Have you read His Needs Her Needs?

First of all, grow up.

I don't understand how a person can be working on their second masters degree and have the maturity of a 13-year-old when it comes to relationships.

"Like clones"?

"We understand each other on a deep emotional level even without words"?

Are you kidding me? Do you think he'll go to prom with you, or will he, like, totally ask Sally to go instead?

It's simple. You have three choices:

1. Cut off all contact with OM and be a decent human being. I understand he's Fabio, Einstein, Michael Jordan, and William Shakespeare rolled into one, but you can do it if you try.

2. Get divorced BEFORE you consumate your "perfect" relationship. If you two were really meant for each other, you can wait until the divorce is final.

3. You can be a highly educated, scumbag Other Woman, completely lacking integrity and morals. You will also be dooming your relationship with Mr. Perfect, because if he so much as pecks you on the cheek while you're married, it proves he has no respect for marriage in general. Even if you do end up with him long-term, it's only a matter of time before one of you cheats on the other.

Mr. Even More Perfect will always be right around the corner.

I know this might sound crazy and some people will think I am immature and lying, I agree it sounds unrealistic and I would probably not believe that myself, if I have not been experiencing it.

OM is not perfect and I don't see him as perfect. I can see his faults as well and understand that things would not be perfect even with him. But I believe my theoretical life with OM would be much easier on day to day basis, because we are so much more similar and therefore would have much less daily conflict and need to compromise than I have currently with my H.

Currently everything in my life with my H is a compromise - everything from discussions, cleaning, laundry, fun, sex... And I am the one who has been compromising for years and wonder if this could be just easier. Why do I have to struggle so much on every day basis, when it might not be necessary with someone else?

I thought this forum was free for people to express their opinions, doubts and ask for advice and not to be subject to personal attacks. I understand high education does not guarantee morality and integrity. I am struggling emotionally and I want to get some thoughts and avoid hurting others and myself.

You said in an earlier post that your H has changed and is acting like when you were dating. If this is true then this is the man you fell in love with. Get the OM out of you life and put in the effort with your H. As long as you are in contact with OM you will never be able to give you marriage a chance.

Have you read the info on this site? What about the book I suggested? Reading the material here and a few of the books helped me understand what my WW was thinking and feeling. I would think it could do the same for you.

But you need to eliminate this OM from your life. Absolutely no contact.

You are about to have an affair.

You are about to commit adultry.

If you continue down this path you will destroy your husbands life, and eventualy the other mans and your life. Negativly affecting everyone you love. Trust me, you wont like the eventual outcome.

Stop now.

Break all contact with this human. Consentrate on your marriage, get counselling.

Or intelligence. Some of the highest educated people I know (engineering masters) are some of the dumbest people I know. Not all of course, but some.

Intelligence does not = education.
Nor does education = intelligence.

The ILYBANILWY was the final giveaway. L4A2, you are infatuated with your OM. That means that being with OM now releases a bunch of hormones and neurotransmitters in your brain that make you feel elated and euphoric. The main one, PEA, is a chemcical analog of amphetamine. (I saw in your latter post you have graduate degrees, so I'll take the liberty of being a little technical).

The infatuation causes alterations in your perceptions, notably, that you will both mentally exagerate the good points and minimize the weak points of OM , and conversely do the opposite with your spouse. You see only the good in OM, and only the bad in BH. That is why the changes your BH have accomplished are going unnoticed and unappreciated by you. Your perceptions are altered and warped by your infatuation.

As long as you remain in contact with OM, your mind will continue to work this way, until the infatuation wears off (i.e., the honeymoon's over) This can take 6 months or longer. If and when it does, you won't feel the same towards either OM or BH as you do now.

So, to rekindle your love for your husband, you need to end all contact with OM and go through withdrawal, which will not be easy. Otherwise, your addiction will worsen.

Keep in mind, that whatever you do, you'll likely not have the same state of euphoria with your BH that you are experiencing now with your OM. But, then again, after 6 months, you likely won't have it with OM either.

OH MY GOD!!! You've been having to *GASP* compromise?!?!

You poor thing...I didn't realize you'd been through so much.

By all means...use that to justify hopping off of one guy and onto another like a pogo stick.

I'll bet this:


Is a load of b.s. It's called re-writing marital history, and it's something you people do when you're trying to justify your inappropriate behavior to yourself or to someone else.

Neither your story nor your "relationship" are unique or special in any way. Everyone here has already seen it and read it 1,000 times. They don't call it the "WS Script" for nothing.


Why don't you fess up to your husband, if you really want to do
the right thing?

You may think you see and understand, but really you don't. See my prior post on infatuation.

My FWW and I are, like you, totally different, while FWW and OM are very much alike, in all areas, education, upbringing, family backgrounds, personality, etc. If you've ever heard of the Myers-Briggs personality types, she's an ENFP, while I'm an INTJ. Total opposites. But, according to Myers-Briggs, we're the most compatible mates for each other. That's because we each make up for the other's lackings. According to Myers-Briggs, two ENFPs can make great friends (which FWW and OM were at first) but the best they can do is cry on each other's shoulders (which they did, and which led to the A). But they can't help each other grow and reach their full potentials.

There's some truth to the saying that Opposites Attract


It is free for you to express your opinions and ask for advise. It is also free to others to express their opinions on your behavior and to offer the advice requested.




Then use that education and accept that you are addicted to and acting under the influence of strong amphetamine-like drugs. It is the only way my M survived. I learned about infatuations and its physiological effects. That gave me the intellectual ability and understanding to endure the emotional grief my FWW was causing me at the time. I avoided my gut reaction (to ditch her) and to hold out in hopes that the infatuation would end and we could rebuild our marriage to an even stronger level. It did, and we are.

You should consider doing the same. Avoid your gut reaction (ditch you H and go with OM). Endure the suffering (the withdrawal from OM) and rebuild your M.

NC No Contact
OM Other Man
BH Betrayed Husband

You are on this site, so I can only assume you are looking for direction. If you were looking to justify an affair, this would definitely be the wrong site to go to. In response to your looking for direction, sarcasm and attacks are not warranted, but straightforward answers.

You mention being clones with OM...it sounds as if you feel he is your soulmate and you are compatible. However, as mentioned by another poster, have you ever heard of "opposites attract"? It is not only the differences intriguing us, but there is more to it than that. It is with opposites that we stretch ourselves, that we learn, we grow, we become more well rounded. With someone just like yourself, what is the point? I would not want someone just like me, but rather someone who balances me, someone I can learn from. Education is not a measure of intelligence, nor is formal education the only way to learn. Stop looking at your husband through judgmental critical eyes, make NO CONTACT WITH OTHER MAN, and start trying to give your husband some credit. Consider looking at him with a positive slant! You saw enough in him to marry him! You knew these things about him when you married! Do not let petty issues become divisive! In your culture, are affairs and divorce acceptable? What would your family and friends say to all of this? Please reconsider, before you not only ruin your husband's life, but your own, AND other man's, because be assured, there are consequences to each and every choice and action we take.