So the ex and I are facing some of the challenges of the new arrangement.

She wants me to pay full CS in the summer, when I have the kids full time, so that she can keep paying the daycare and guarantee slots will be there in the fall for the kids.

I spoke to the daycare lady and they have always had slots for school age kids in the fall.

She wants me to pay her full CS, have the kids full time, and pay my own daycare since it is obviously unrealistic for me to drive 40 miles every single morning in a completely opposite direction of my commute.

Now she suggests I give up my Sunday nights with the kids because she doesn't like the fact that I have to wake them up early to drive them 40 miles to drop them off at the daycare.

I don't like it either, but her two suggestions are:

1. Give up my time in the summer so that I don't have to get another daycare. This means big $$ for her since CS would rise dramatically.

2. Give up Sunday nights. Again, increases $$.

I sent a response today to her that said:

So far your solutions to the current challenges are:

1. Give up the time the kids spend with my family and I in the summer.

2. Give up Sunday nights.

Let me think.

Ummm.

No to both.

Now do you have some realistic suggestions or are you going to continue to insist that the kids and I see each other less?

I haven't heard from the insurance company.

Pom

The idea of meeting halfway on Monday mornings doesn't cross her mind. Her solution is for me to give up time and give her money.

The more I see how things are starting to go and her attitude, the more I'm really starting to consider moving very close to her and taking her to court in WV.

I am happy to live with the current arrangement for many years, but am not willing to stay broke to do so.

Her motivation to alienate me and get as much money from me to support her couldn't be more transparent.

Any chance you could pay daycare directly? I have a good friend who, instead of paying CS, pays all the expenses. It works out to more money than what court-ordered CS would be, but he has the peace of mind that (a) daycare is paid for (his XWW is notoriously bad with money); (b) DD has decent clothes and all required school supplies and doesn't do without anything essential and (c)he maintains control over many important issues.

Didn't the court already rule on this?? So how can she tell you you can't have them????

She's suggesting I give up my Sunday nights and summers voluntarily, as if I'm going to say, "Oh, yeah. Great! You know, it's just like me to quit just because things are tough!"

What she should realize is that when things get tough I simply get more determined.

50/50 is the ultimate goal. I plan on doing what I need to do to make that a reality and it may involve a new job, moving next to her, or both.

Either way, I'm never going to give up on the idea of getting 50/50 eventually.

I'm as much of a parent as she is and the sooner she accepts that, the sooner we can get along better.

Suggesting I voluntarily give up time with the kids and calling it "help" is an insult to my intelligence.

On a good note:

Sally and I hang out more and more. She asked me to dinner on Monday and we went with a friend. She forgot her water bottle in my car and that gave me an excuse to see her yesterday. I dropped it off and she invited me in to sit on her porch and talk.

She's still hurting a lot. Feels numb about everything. Seems uneasy with her work. Can't see herself in a relationship.

I'm guessing these are common feelings for a woman so fresh out of a divorce after being with someone for so long. She was with this man right after high school and he's all she's known.

So I listened and offered some encouragement.

She likes my new beard, btw.

She grilled some chicken and we ate together. The conversation turned from the heaviness of hard topics like her divorce and a friend of hers coping with a cheating husband to lighter stuff like board games and TV shows.

I really enjoy hanging out with her. Yes, I still find her very attractive, but have put those thoughts on the back burner. She's hurting a lot and I need to be there for her as a friend for now. I offered to trim her front yard, but my trimmer won't turn on. Need to get that fixed!

She doesn't like being alone in her house. It's a new experience for her. I've been alone for years, both before and after my marriage, so I'm use to it.

I really miss my friend from Oklahoma and this experience with Sally has shown me how special that frienship is/was. She lived next door to me 10 years ago and we hung out almost daily. Two broken hearts consoling each other and a frienship that is still there today.

I'd be very happy if such a frienship developed with Sally. We live close enough to each other to hang out together all the time. I'm not going to push it and am leaving a bit more in her court.

So far she seems happy to continue to hang out with me.

She and the rest of my divorce group are coming to my place tomorrow for pizza and Wii and to just chat.

Should be a good time.

Nuts!

Sorry Pom.

Isn't your current arrangement court ordered? Can she legally change anything? Perhaps you can just stick by the order to the letter for now while working on a plan to improve things. It's a long way until summer vacation. FWIW, the OWH in my sitch went through this all last winter with OW. But by the time summer actually came around, she had mellowed a bit and even agreed to switching weeks when his plant went on an unexpected shutdown.

I totally agree with your lament about the system. I truly do not understand how it could be so bass ackwards.

Is there any way you can re-enlist?

I was an officer with a regular commission, which means I'm always "on call".

I can certainly join the reserves in the future, but I'm going to table that till my kids are older. The ex would jump at the chance to use it against me if I was to be deployed and if I wait till the kids are older then they get to have a say on where they live and the custody arrangment.

So I want to wait till then. That way if I'm sent away they can say, "we want it to be like it was before he left" when I return.

So I must really wait until they have a say that others will listen to.

Yes, I can re-join in the reserves, but would have to be retrained if I wish to fly again.

I've been out of the cockpit too long.

I miss the flying. No other job like it anywhere. And it isn't just the flying. I miss the guys I flew with and the good times we had together and how we bonded and made the most of our time deployed. The suckiness of deployment is an experience that few understand.

I remember my pilot (I was his copilot) in my last crew telling me how few can understand the challenge of the deployments.

All our wives heard was that we played a ton of video games, ate a lot of food, and flew a lot. That could sound like a heck of a vacation, but it really isn't. The video games passed the time and gave us something to combat boredom.

The flying was tough and arduous. Sitting in 90 degree heat for hours at a time in a jet that was about 20 degrees hotter on the inside because it is 50 years old and has no air conditioner on the ground really stinks.

Then taking off and being immediately tracked by other countries not so friendly (you can take a guess who) into hostile airspace day in and day out isn't exactly a picnic. The missions were long (my longest was 11 hours) which made the days very long.

I once had to drop in somewhere else to pick up a part after flying all night. The part wasn't ready right away and we sat around waiting. We finally took off for our 20 minute flight home and it was one of the toughest flights I've ever had. I had been up for 19 hours and was exhausted. Flying without sleep is like driving after 5 beers. It took a tremendous amount of concentration to do it and not get us all killed because reaction time was slow and we were all tired as heck.

We took off from a short field, loaded to the gills with fuel, in a 50 year old airplane, tracked by hostile nations, into thunderstorms, harassed by said hostile nations, and in a rush to get the fuel to the fight to help the guys on the ground.

There were a few close calls on some occasions where we were beak to beak with another plane heading right for us and we had to take evasive action to avoid a collision and I had a few instances of Navy jets almost hitting us.

I'm not going to say that my ordeal was as bad as the guys knocking down doors and getting up close and personal with the insurgents and terrorists. By no means can I compare my experience to theirs. Mine was unique as a pilot.

I was grateful to be a tanker pilot. Some of our fighter guys had to deal with daily mortar attacks on their barracks at night while trying to sleep and every once in a while the insurgents got lucky and hit some of our guys while they slept in their bunks.

Made me grateful to be far away from that stuff.

But the experience was a special one with intense memories and close bonding with guys I lived with for 60 days at a time. (We'd leave for 60, come home for 45, gone again for 60, and do it over and over again).

So what did we do in our down time? We played games, talked about our wives and kids, ate, and slept A LOT. The idea was that the more you sleep, the less you're there. Thoughts of home were constantly there.

Mail was a godsend. We'd get packages from groups that donated to "Any US Soldier" and they were always welcome. It was great to get a package from home.

One of the biggest things that I've had to get past was getting over a package from my ex that I never received.

Like I said, we loved getting mail. A package from home was special because it was a physical bond to those we love back in the States. It was especially great from family.

My ex, then my wife, told me she was sending me a package for Christmas. I waited and waited. It was supposed to have the season finale of our favorite show, some goodies, pics of the kids, video of the kids, and some Christmas stuff.

So I went and checked every day for my package.

"Anything new in the mail today?" was my standard question.

My buddies knew I was really looking forward to this package and started checking for me. They'd come back after a mission and would tell me, "Stopped by base ops. Sorry, no package, bud."

But I continued to wait and check on a daily basis. I called my wife up and let her know, "the package isn't here yet" and she acknowledged she sent it.

I asked her to run a trace. I went to the post office to see if they could do so.

The day to leave finally came and I was apologizing to my ex for the fact that her package would arrive after I was gone.

So I got home and I wasn't greeted with any "Welcome home" banners like my buddies were. I got "I want a divorce" instead and then the shock of D-day and the five men she had been out with right before I got home.

And the kicker, "I never sent that package" with justifications that I ticked her off about something and she decided not to send it, but she told me she did.

So I spent weeks waiting for a package which was never sent and expended all kinds of energy waiting for this taste of home for nothing.

It was never going to come.

THAT was something that irks me to this day. How can someone do this to someone else and not feel a shred of guilt over it? How do waywards live with themselves after being so low? Have they no conscience? Does the guilt ever strike?

Been in a funk lately. It's been bad enough that I've had to start ADs again.

One minor trigger: My son called me up and was telling me about the pumpkin he carved. He then asked me to come over and look at it.

This broke my heart.

The kids always do that. They're the ones who have that power over me.

Started seeing a new parenting coordinator as well. She's a very nice and soft spoken lady. She seemed pretty sympathetic, but I've mis-read people in the past. I hope she can help the ex and I come to some agreements on some things. She's optimistic and so am I but she said that my ex isn't optimistic at all.

I signed up for a weight loss competitions for this month at my gym. I'm going to go all out. Already started. I've been running a lot and might even increase my running to twice a day. The competition gives me some good incentive.

Things with Sally are quiet. We hung out with our group on Sunday and we text each other a lot, but not much more. I've backed off the last few days to give her space. I sense she's hurting a lot.

I've been contacted by someone else I dated a few months ago (back in January) and we have re-connected. She's nice, but lives far away.

So I'll probably just chat with her and maybe hang out now and then.

Just wish I could shake the blues.

Do you have time to do some volunteering? It's the absolute best thing to do when you're down. Just does wonders! Maybe you could incorporate some volunteering with time with your kids, which would help them learn some great values, too.

Sorry you're feeling down Pom. Hang in there!

Still dealing with the blues.

Can't shake them and I've been trying.

Exercise helps. Been running a lot and have lost 5 pounds. It isn't much, but it's a start.

I'm backing away from Sally a lot. I'm getting drained emotionally by constantly wondering if she's ever going to come around and want to be more than friends. I'm going to leave the ball in her court and just back away.

We're going to take a tour of Old Town on the 24th with our divorce group.

But I've been getting tired of coming home at night and not doing much. Video games are an escape, but that's getting old. Want to take guitar lessons since I've always wanted to learn.

I'm on new meds to deal with the blues, but I don't wish to be on any meds for long.

The good news is that the anger I was feeling has subsided and is generally gone. The bad news is that I have to go back to court, which tends to get me stressed out. Perhaps that's the big source of my blues, since the case just isn't over.

The new arrangement is a lot less stressful than the old one. I don't have to see the ex, which helps a lot.

I'm not thrilled with the driving distance, but I'll adjust.

My mom will be out here soon, which will help. Halloween is coming up which will also be a good time with the kids and my mom will enjoy that time with them.

Sounds like a great time to find a hobby or other interest, like the guitar, or maybe a community college fun class, like money management, or real estate, or racquetball...whatever suits your fancy. Stimulating your mind is probably the best step for you right now.

Community colleges are pretty cheap, and you meet lots of neat people, get into discussions, find new friends...win/win.

What are your kids wearing for Halloween?

My D18 is going to be a WWII Bombshell. (well, minus the figure; she's only 5'1" and 92 pounds)

Hey Pom.

I get it. I come home most nights right now and basically putz around the house and read until I decide to turn out the lights. This could be anywhere from 8:30 to 1:00 AM. I can’t say I am totally alone because I still have Wayzilla’s turtle however he has unfortunately not become the conversationalist I had hoped for. He is better than Wayzilla however.

Although part of me often enjoys the solitude, this quiet does offer too much time to ponder and reflect on “the event” as much as I wish to avoid that.

Also, I think part of it is the changing seasons and the earlier onset of darkness. It takes a few weeks to get more used to that.

Fortunately, basketball is starting the first of November and will be part of my entire waking existence until March.

How about doing some modeling kits? Get a KC-135 Stratotanker and a super detail kit. Put it on a stand with an F16 of the same scale getting gassed. Do a good job and enter it in an IPMS contest. Model contests are great places to meet people.

Or volunteer at a museum. You have a few of those around.

I remember before I started coaching last year, I went to the Denver History Museum with DD20 (then DD19). She pointed out to me that every volunteer at the museum was a woman. Once I noticed that she was right I also noticed that nearly all of them were single. If I had not started coaching I probably would have looked into being a volunteer. In fact DD asked for a volunteer form that day and gave it to me. You gotta love that girl!

Chris,

Excellent suggestions. The problem lies in my hours and my commute.

Thanks for posting on my thread. I'm always interested in hearing your take on things.

I've actually been looking into some of my old hobbies and looking for a way to revive them. I use to be an astronomy nut and have a telescope that I haven't used in 10 years. So I've been thinking about putting that back together and heading out to the local park and away from the lights.

I have to get my guitar re-strung. Will look into lessons.

It would be really cool to volunteer at the Air and Space museum. I'm a history nut and a sucker for the subject matter.

Funny story (in sick sort of way):

As you know, I stayed at Walter Reed for one week after I moved here. One of the methods of therapy is to take the patients from the ward on an outing. They use to take them bowling, but the sounds of the pins crashing was a bit too much for the poor guys to bear. Many of the patients are kids coming back from the front lines and who are coping with PTSD. The pins crashing and loudness was too much for many of the patients.

So they changed their outing and planned one to the Air and Space museum. Their tour guide fell through and I volunteered to fill in. I told the staff that I was a pilot and a history nut, so I could very easily give a tour about stuff I know.

So we went to the museum. We were dressed normally and you wouldn't know we were patients from the hospital unless you looked at our wrist bands.

I started the tour and was having a field day telling the group all that I knew and could remember from the Mercury, Gemini, and Apollo programs and had a few anectdotes to tell about the Russians.

What was really funny was that a few people started following and listening to me, either thinking I was an official tour guide or simply someone good to listen to.

I couldn't help but wonder what they would think if they knew that we were patients from a psych ward and laughed on the inside about it.

It was a great outing and a really good healing moment for me.

My nights are pretty quiet right now. I fill it with election TV, video games, reading, or time with my divorce group. The Military Channel has some good shows on and I'm a junkie for history.

But thanks for your input and insight. Your humor is always welcome. I hope your season goes well.

Hard to understand how Wayzilla could have thrown such a good thing away. You're a good dude and I'm sure you were a good husband. Maybe not perfect, but none of us are.

Doesn't having DGS help?

I've been thinking about dating again lately, but don't want to do it for the wrong reasons. Being bored at night is not a good reason (and Sally doesn't seem interested in more than just friendship).

That museum story is pretty funny.

It definitely shows the brilliance of the VA to be bringing combat stressed veterans to a noisy bowling alley.

I used to build lots of military models and paint historical miniatures. Got pretty good at it for a while. It really is an economical hobby when you amortize the hours you spend building a model to the cost.



Oh boy, and what a way to find out she was dissatisfied! It would have been nice to have at least talked about it once or twice before she became Gollum’s lap dancer.


Yep, we are having a nice time.

We see each other most every weekend so all the weekdays are alone. For the most part I like our situation, but this time of year there is less to do around the gardens and such so there is too much quiet time to reflect. It’s not morbidly depressing or anything but it is a mellow sadness that I could just as well live without. It does take time. My ability to post-divorce Plan B in total darkness has been a great blessing.


No, not the best reason ever. Take your time. Get your “bait in shape”. You will happy again.

I was leaving a dinner with friends tonight and was in a good mood.

I have no idea why but I was looking at how nice the night was and I was triggered by something which caught me completely off guard.

I looked at the moon and felt the crispness of the air.

I suddenly remembered the beauty of looking at the stars and the moon from the cockpit. I remembered seeing the stars in the night in the T-34.

But I remembered the sky over Iraq and flying "home" after a long mission.

I almost started crying.

My buddies are still going overseas and living out there and I feel guilty that I'm not there with them.

This led to a sudden trigger about my ex and looking at the fact that I don't have the one thing in my life that I worked tirelessly to achieve.

I just read SDGuy's thread and he said something which struck a bit. He said "I look forward to the day when my life is more than just about my wife's infidelity".

He summed up exactly how I'm feeling.

I'm on the verge of that. There's only one more hearing to have to deal with. But I've been down lately. I'm tired of coming home to an empty house. I'm happiest (though a little stressed) when I have the kids here.

But my blues lately have been on my other losses. I miss my buddies. I miss the camraderie. I miss the smell of JP8. I miss walking out to the jet at night. I miss doing night landings, resting my arm on the window screens, flying quietly as the sun rises for the morning, and being a part of a very special group.

This is stuff that's hard to replace.

Perhaps I need to explore good alternatives (like volunteer fire fighting).

I feel a little lost in my life right now.

pom, you have me near tears. All my life, I yearned to work at NASA. My dad was a NASA engineer; he built model spacecraft in our garage, he was so into it. Thus, of course, so was I.

After working full time and 15 years of night school, I finally got the degree that allowed me to get a job at NASA. But in the meantime, my marriage was a mess. Long story short, we had to move to the other side of town, and H took 4 years (!) to repair the old house before it got sold. In the meantime, with 2 mortgages, insurance, utilities, etc., I ended up having to leave my dream job at NASA to get something that paid more. (fyi: NObody at NASA makes decent money; it's government) because (1) H wouldn't get off his a$$ and fix the house for resale, and (2) I didn't have the skills to stand up to him and force him to fix the house or sell it as is.

Truly, like pilots, those who work at NASA do so because it's a calling; they certainly don't do it for money or prestige. My desk chair was 30 years old, and I worked in a tin building.

Bottom line, I lost the job of my life because of mistakes I made and because of my spouse's actions. I wake up nearly every single day, four years later, and want to cry.

I so get how you're feeling. All I can say is, you have to look for new options, new opportunities to get you back as close as you can to your dream.

Sorry you're down, POM. It's a roller coaster, to be sure, but it sounds like maybe there are other things you miss. And maybe there are other ways to fill those holes. You've thought of a few of them. Brainstorm. It's a good time to be thinking about adding something new into your life.

I think that this is maybe good? If you're feeling lousy, you might be looking to fill something in your own life, and that might not be a fair expectation to put on someone else. Not sure. My usual caveat is "What the hell do I know."

Hang in there.