No point in a NC letter being sent while there is not NC. NC will be impossible while they're in such close quarters.

Are you willing to consider Plan B seriously, and a very good chance of recovering your marriage, or do you want to just keep on letting him/them torture you till you're sick of it, and get a divorce?

No one is going to force you into Plan B. If you do it, it has to be your choice.

and there's only room for so much crap.

I have no advise on the bunny boiler issue (LOL) but IMHO what you need is not a NC letter, you need a plan B letter.
NC letter is supposed to be from your WH to OW, not from you. There is no need for that if there is no intent nor plan on his part for NC.
Plan B is in order to see if your WH wants to save your M and move towards NC and recovery with you or like Tabby said option C where he decides to leave her for you.
You cant decide for him nor can you protect your H from Bunny boiler's potential response if and when he leaves her.

Cake eating is not a path towards recovery, it only ensures that you return to sit on the crapper again and like you said its time to ....

It is imperative for you to PLAN A until PLAN B, IMO. Like the other poster said, that means NO LOVEBUSTING. I completely understand how hard it is for you to go into PLAN B. It was for me. It is scary. As long as he is in contact with her, your PLAN option is PLAN A.

You have just had another D-DAY and are devastated and trying to emotionally cope with the devastation.

Try to work on your own self-healing for a few days. Try to get to a place of EMOTIONAL CONTROL before you proceed.

EMOTIONAL CONTROL is best in order to execute ANY PLANS.

Been there right with you, Fiori...while my H was maintaining contact...leaving me to be with her EACH WEEKEND...thinking he was eventually going to end it, when all the while he was planning on leaving me to be with her...he even bought a condo...TODAY, we are happier than EVER...

BUT, I first had to gain EMOTIONAL CONTROL...to work the plans...

I became DETERMINED to FIGHT for MY MARRIAGE. I believed that MBers' was the BEST AMMUNITION possible. During this time, STUDY up on THE PLANS before jumping into anything. To me, right now, you certainly don't seem ready, that is, EMOTIONALLY PREPARED for the RIGORS of PLAN B. We want you to be able to STICK with it when and if you go into B....

Someone said that you have three options...let the cake-eating continue, he leaves you for her, he leaves her for you...but you do not have control over the last two. You need to focus on the things that YOU have the power to change.

I know that you are feeling so sad. His cake-eating, regardless of the extent of the A (EA or PA) is hurtful to you. Right? So what can YOU do to protect yourself from that hurt? Your H is not protecting you.

People talk a lot about self-care and I think you agree that it is important. So look at this protection as self-care. What can you do to protect yourself?

Brainstorm:
Plan A...takes a lot of energy from you and still lets him cake-eat.
Plan B...scary, both financially and emotionally.
Plan C...stick with what you're doing and hope for the best...doesn't protect you or your love for your H.
Plan D...maybe too drastic and lets go of all hope for a future together.

So, Plan A and C allow cake-eating...something that you KNOW is hurtful to you. Plan D is pretty final and you've said you have hope for your M. That leaves Plan B. What have you got to lose?

If he leaves you for her, you cannot control that no matter what plan you do. That will be HIS decision. Focus on YOU.

With Plan B, he is still financially responsible for your children. He should still have to pay the mortgage (as if he were paying alimony). What do you lose? Sure, it will change your lifestyle, but at this point, he doesn't get that the OW is a deal-breaker for you. He thinks you'll be pissed off about his contact with her, but you won't do anything drastic because you haven't yet. He may need the shock of Plan B to see that you really mean to protect yourself even if it means that you have to protect yourself from him.

Nobody knows what the future will hold. But if you continue to allow him to hurt you this way, in a sense, you have yourself to blame. What you're doing right now isn't working...so maybe you should try something different.

LOVE YOU,
MS

Eesh...why on earth would there even be any DEBATE over who he'd rather be involved with?! WTH could that looney tune POSSIBLY be offering that's so attractive...even sex can't be worth all that drama.

PLAN C is equal to PLAN D...It's PLAN A or PLAN B according to MBers'.

When I did PLAN C, my husband fell more and more with the OW because I was ENABLING the AFFAIR. I did it for close TWO YEARS while he eventually grew to "LOVE" her..

Broken, my H was with a looney-tune, too.

It's AN ADDICTION. Waywards are TEMPORARILY INSANE.

She's offering him some kinda DRUG that SANE people cannot possibly understand.

Yeah, but WHAT?! It just boggles my mind. My FWH's OW was hardly an upstanding "woman" either. I guess I just don't get it because I haven't done that.

Mimi,
What turned your husband around?

I FEEL SOOOOOO STUPID

Eventually, PLAN B. But it took me AWHILE to be able to do PLAN B, too.

I completely UNDERSTAND you feelng STUPID...I remember that FEELING...but work on not allowing anyone to make you feel this way....

Begin to FIGHT!!

I screwed up tonight. This afternoon I told him (knowing it was not possible) that in order for him to come home tonight and stay, he'd have to either quit his job or see to it that OW either was fired or quit herself. I was blazing mad so he knew I was serious. Well, I suppose the joke is on me. He came home with a pizza. The kids are both out with friends. We sat down and he ate ( I stopped that a while ago). I was ready. Teeth brushed, hair combed, sweater, phone & purse by the door. I casually say..."so, have any news for me?" He says, "yes, as a matter of fact I do...blah, blah, blah..." It was nothing I wanted to hear. So, I looked at him and squarely said "no, dear, I mean about either you or OW NOT working together any longer". He said "are you kidding me? You did not actually think that could happen between lunch time and now did you? I don't have the authority to have her fired and I surely could not quit myself given the fact that I've been trying to get a new job for several months now and cannot seem to even get asked for an interview".

Here's where I screwed up. My plan was to quietly pick up my purse and walk out the door. I chickened out. I can't be without this man. I can't do this!!!!! I can't imagine a day when he doesn't walk through the door, I can't imagine now hearing the shower run in the morning, I can't imagine how hard he is on the ironing board when he irons his pants...even after I've already done it. I can't imagine my boys faces when they come home to know he's not here. I can't live without this man. (no, I don't mean that literally).

It's just that all I ever wanted was to feel cherished. I wanted to be loved with the same capacity that I loved him. I believe that at one time it was there. But, what changed? When did the man I know become posessed by this? Who is he? Who am I? I am now just a chicken who can't imagine being alone. Is being with someone worth all this hurt? How come right now it seems like it is? I know I'm breaking the code here, but I feel so desperate and sad.

When did I become this weak person who cannot take care of herself? I've been taking care of others for many years now and I've loved every minute. When did he stop wanting to take care of me? I don't want to be a prison wardon. I don't want to smile with my floral apron on while he slinks off to make a call...I dont' want doubt and I don't want to be made a fool of.

Sorry...I'm just rambling. He's gone now. He took his briefcase and left because he did not get her fired today or he did not quit. So, kids are with friends, husband is at our Church setting up for our big auction and I am here writing to a bunch of strangers who will all have an opinion but really not every know exactly what I should or should not do.

Darkness is here. (melodrama aside).

You have to come up with a PLAN, Fi.

I felt the EXACT SAME WAY that YOU DO...

I wish you could have read my first posts on this forum.

I LITERALLY FELT LIKE I COULD NOT LIVE WITHOUT MY HUSBAND!! He's the ONLY MAN I've ever been with..since age 18..I was 50 or so when discovering his affair...

I had to come to terms with the TRUTH. My H, maybe unlike yours, was "In LOVE" with another woman...

That the ONLY WAY TO RECOVER MY MARRIAGE..which we have definitely accomplished..was for me to DO THE MB PLANS...

You are NOT READY for PLAN B...

You can do it SOON but not YET...

PLAN A..then PLAN B...

For example, where did you get THIS IDEA? What was the PURPOSE?


Another example, why did you SAY this?

I'm not pointing these things out to hurt you.

The point is, you are doing PLAN FIORI..

Sweetie, this WILL NOT WORK...

We will ALL have AN OPINION, yes.

But what's GREAT about US is WE HAVE ALL BEEN IN YOUR EXACT SAME SHOES!!!

I can speak to you from DIRECT EXPERIENCE!!

You sound almost EXACTLY like me about 5 years ago...

DEVASTATED, HEARTBROKEN, NOT KNOWING WHAT IN THE WORLD TO DO...HEART ACHING OUT OF MY CHEST...I'm telling you, I've been there...

What you are doing is NOT working. Why not take a chance and follow what these people suggest? So many of them have had such wonderful successes with it. You are losing what you wanted in the first place if you don't. So your fear that you will lose your H should be with you now...not just when you consider Plan B.

Listen to mimi. She sounds like her H went the same way yours is and she found the way out. Is it a for sure? No. But it's gotta be a better chance than what you're doing right now.

hugs

MS

EXACTLY!!

The plans work. Nothing else comes close for consistent positive results.

I've seen it first-hand once, and second-hand many times. They are very powerful.

{{{{{{fiori}}}}

Sending you hugs and warmth and hopefully strenght your way.
Its a roller coaster and some days are harder than others. Some time you need a :twobyfour: and some times you need a support.
Today it looks like support is what you need to get thru the darkness.
You can do it, you can figure out what works for you, its not all black and white, its not today or never. Life is gray, find the shade of gray that works for you.
We can all tell you our opinion and our experiences and you can use all of that knowledge and make the choice that works best for you. When ever you feel strong enough to deal with it all. When you feel weak or exhausted its ok to just take a break and rest.
Hang in there and you will make it through. There were days I thought I would never survive my situation. If you see my old thread (if you can find it ) there are many desperate feeling emails that I have typed of my own. Having lived thru that is what gives me the confidence and courage to say that you will make to the other end of this tunnel impossible as that make seem to you right now.
Hope tomorrow is brighter