A fitting joke in election season:

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in? says the senator.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the senator. 'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. 'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing.
They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'
The senator reflects for a minute, then answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but think I would be better off in hell.'

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his
friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above...

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the senator. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?'

The devil looks at him, smiles and says 'Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted.'

I think lots of people will be surprised this way if they vote for ___________. (I ain't going there )

Ok,

A man was talking to his wife about how wonderful America will be if OBAMA is elected, his wife says what's so great about him, what is he really going to do for us?

He say I'll call him up and try to meet with him and ask him. Oddly all this works out and they meet and have breakfast at OBAMAs house.

He asks him what he plans for the US, OBAMA replies look outside that window, the man looks outside. OBAMA says what do you see? The man sees nicely manicured lawns, beautiful houses on a wide street and several well dressed visitors walking up the drive way. OBAMA then says in three years all of America will look like that with my socialist agenda.

The man goes home and tells his wife look out the window what do you see. The wife looks out and sees abandoned decrepit houses, a check cashing agency with hookers walking by, trash everywhere and a group of hoods on the corner. In three years all of America will look like that.

NJ

Milk Switch

To help a friend lose weight, I told her that she should switch to lower-fat foods, including skim milk. When she said her family would drink only whole milk, I suggested that she keep their regular container and refill it with skim milk. This worked for quite a while, until her daughter asked one morning whether the milk was okay.

"Sure, it's fine," my friend answered, fearing she had been found out. "Why do you ask?"

The daughter explained, "Well, according to the expiration date, this milk expired two years ago!"

These three guys are out having a relaxing day of fishing. Out of the blue, they catch a mermaid who begs to be set free in return for granting each of them a wish. Now, one of these guys just doesn't believe it.

“OK, if you can really grant wishes, then double my I.Q.”

“Done.” Suddenly, the guy starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly — and analyzing it with extreme insight. The second guy is so amazed he asks the mermaid to triple his I.Q. All of a sudden, the guy starts to spout the solutions to mathematical problems that have stymied chemists, physicists and mathematicians since the beginning of time. The last guy is so impressed that he asks the mermaid to quintuple his I.Q. The mermaid looks at him, very concerned.

“I don't normally try to change people's minds when they make a wish, but I'd really wish you'd reconsider.”

“No way. I want you to quintuple my I.Q., and if you don't, I won't set you free.”

“Please,” says the mermaid, “you don't know what you're asking... it will change your entire view of the universe...won't you ask for something else...10 million dollars, anything?” But the man remains steadfast. The mermaid sighs and says, “Done!” And he becomes a woman.

What a great story.-----


Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill, but one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold! --there sat Bill! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?'

Bill replied, 'I have been in jail.'

'Jail?' cried Sam. 'What in the world for?'

'Well,' Bill said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'

'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?'

'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty'

Michele Bachmann? Oh, I absolutely agree!

Hey lil, is this your bike?

This version is better

JCFC

"vroom vroom! "

BTW it took me awhile but I finally got it... he was *replacing* the bull...

oooooooooooooookkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

nope, over my head

Lil said...

Lil, your version was gross and hysterical. However, I really LOVED the animation on the other version.

OIC Jayne, I forgot about that joke.
Cinderella, i am sorry you dont appreiciate Julien
and now for something different

Following are answers given by elementary school-age children to the given questions:


Why did God make mothers?

1. She's the only one who knows where the Scotch Tape is.

2. Think about it. It was the best way to get more people.

3. Mostly to clean the house.

4. To help us out of there when we were getting born.



How did God make mothers?

1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.

2. Magic, plus super powers, and a lot of stirring.

3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.



Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?

1. We are related.

2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.



What ingredients are mothers made of?

1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.

2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string. I think.



What kind of little girl was your mom?

1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.

2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.

3. They say she used to be nice.



How did your mom meet your dad?

1. Mom was working in a store and dad was shoplifting.



What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?

1. His last name.

2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer? Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?



Why did your mom marry your dad?

1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot.

2. She got too old to do anything else with him.

3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.



What makes a real woman?

1. It means you have to be really bossy without looking bossy.



Who's the boss at your house?

1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because Dad is such a goofball.

2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.

3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than Dad.





What's the difference between moms and dads?

1. Moms work at work and work at home, and dads just work at work.

2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.

3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power because that's who you have to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.



What does your mom do in her spare time?

1. Mothers don't have spare time.

2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.



What's the difference between moms and grandmas?

1. About 30 years.

2. You can always count on grandmothers for candy. Sometimes moms don't even have bread on them.



Describe the world's greatest mom?

1. She would be able to make broccoli taste like ice cream.

2. The greatest mom in the world wouldn't make me kiss my fat aunts.

3. She'd always be smiling and keep her opinions to herself.



Is anything about your mom perfect?

1. Her teeth are perfect, but she bought them from the dentist.

2. Her casserole recipes. But we hate them.

3. Just her children.



What would it take to make your mom perfect?

1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.

2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd dye it, maybe blue.



If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?

1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.

2. I'd make my mom smarter -- then she would know my sister did it and not me.

Here is a story from real life. I heard it from a coworker and we laughed so much that we almost hurt ourselves.

Her father once had a fox terrier that was six months old. When they took the dog to her grandparents’ farm for the first time, the dog was excited about the barn houses and all new smells. Her grandparent kept horses and the dog walked into the stable. The dog sniffed around on the floor and suddenly one of the horses bent down his head and let out a puff of air on the dog. The dog jumped backwards about one yard, bounced forward on his back legs – and bit the horse in the muzzle. The horse was astonished by this reaction from such a tiny creature and raised his head abruptly, knocking it into the ceiling. Horses have sensitive heads, and this one knocked himself out and fell down on the floor without any sign of life. My friend’s father prepared himself to tell his parents that the puppy had killed the horse. Meanwhile, the dog ran up to the horse, climbed up on the back of the lying animal and barked him in the ear.

The horse recovered and appeared to have no physical injury from the incident. But the dog kept harassing the horse for the rest of his life. They could never be in the same place since the dog would bark and jump up and nibble the poor horse. Fox terriers are hardy breeds for sure.

Too funny! I have a horse story too.

My friend and her husband who were newly married (about a week) and had just transferred to Texas from up noth decided they'd act like real Texans and go horseback riding. My friend had never ridden a horse but she was game.

Things were going great... on the way out... and she thought she was becoming a true Texan and great horseperson... even threw in a few y'alls to impress her new husband. That was until they were on their way back and she accidentally dropped the reins.

Well you know the old saying about a horse headed for the barn? This horse evidently saw this as his chance. Sensing my friends panic ... he took off at a full gallop... heading for the barn. My friend grabbed hold of his mane and she held on for dear life. By now her boots had come out of the stirrups and she was bouncing about a foot off the saddle timed to the horse's gait as the horse ran.

Fortunately as the horse neared the barn, one of the trailguides managed to grab the horse and slow him down.

When my friend dismounted on rubbery legs, she was truly embarrassed. See it seems that every time she bounced, she would pee a little in her jeans. By the time they made it back to the barn, her jeans were soaked.

Adding to her embarrassment was having to find a towel to put on the leather seats in the convertible they had rented for the occassion.

She STILL won't go near a horse!

Despite the disclaimer at the end, my BIL actually works with the guy and insists this did happen. He send me the link

sickie faker busted on facebook

Happy Halloween...



A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome
cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies:
"I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers,
"My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am
and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and
hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could
say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds,
"Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have
to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says,
"Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would
make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess,
I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK.
My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."