Wife of 12 years, 2 children in elementary school, my family means the world to me. I'm a bit controlling and a little O.C.D.. I probably put me and our family first and did not always show my wife unconditional love. Yes, I could have done better, but I did love her and was a good husband.
Her mom got cancer 3 years ago. This put pressure on our day to day lives. Her mother passed away this July. I was supportive, but could have done better. I tried to keep our family going strong, but should have found a way to give my wife more emotional support.
Twice in the last 9 months, my wife told me things had changed. I worked hard at improving myself and our marriage. My wife states that I did a good job. However, whatever changed in my wife over the past few years allowed her to focus mostly on things that she felt I was doing wrong. She says she doesn't love me and is leaving me. We didn't really try marriage counseling, she has avoided this and basicallly said she's not interested. About 5 weeks ago is when she told me that we needed to separate and we are in that process.
My wife wants to find new love and fill her heart according to what she wants. She loves her kids and isn't going anywhere, other than to a new residence close by, so that we can share the children. My wife doesn't want to be with me until "Death Do Us Part". She has formed new group(s) of support over the past few years and that is where she currently wants to find her emotional happiness and from our children.
I have said I'm sorry to my wife. I am currently dealing with the prospect of telling our children soon. I have found some support and counseling, but my hope and fear continues to run higher than it can forever. I am opeing up my heart, but I'd really like to do it for my wife and have her be willing to try again.
The details are endless, but if you've got a quick word of wisdom for me I'll gladly take it.

Quite often a wife does not want to leave unless she has another replacement lined up for her husband.

You need to go into detective mode and search if your W is a wayward wife, WW and for an other man, OM.

You do this by checking phone and cell phone bills for unknown numbers that are called a lot. Was there a big increase in TM's.

Check the computer for IM's, emails. It will pay to put a key logger on the computer to find secrect email and social network accounts and there passwords.

Use a voice activated digital recorder in the house and her car to catch her talking about or to the OM.

Do not confront rught away. Gather conclusive info, then consult here on the best way to confront.

You also can get a cell phone with GPS. They provide rea time gps, and get the minimum time so bill is small. Use a separate provider, and have the bill sent to your parents house not your's and hide it in her car to see if she is where she should be.

Thanks for the reply and ideas.

I feel pretty confident that its not anybody else, yet I could be wrong. I might be better off if I am wrong.

I think the situation comes back to her mother getting cancer days after retirement and not getting to enjoy much time from then on. I'm sure that the thought of cancer scares my wife as anybody else. My wife wants to live her life and fill it full of enjoyment according to her terms and not those of our existing family structure. I think there's a lot of pain found in her from these past few years.

I hope she seeks conseling just for this, but she's been slow in doing so.

Sammy,

Post your questions over at GQII - they can help you more there. Also read up on all of concepts here.

I hate to say it but I would agree she is having an affair (emotional or physical). And you will learn, an emotional affair is an affair regardless of what the WS thinks. Also, a WS will lie through their teeth so don't believe what you are told but believe what you see.

Also though, she isn't happy about something in the marraige. Work on finding out what it is she needs to feel loved and special but don't pressure her. This is a very tough time for you but if you follow the advice and concepts on this site, you still have hope.

I agree with others about the possible affair. Often affairs start after a major event in one's life, such as the death of a parent. Her behavior is very wayward-like.