You're helping me to REALIZE some things about our situation by asking me this question.

My H, unlike SOME that I read about HERE, was COMMITTED to RECOVERY once he made up his mind about it. He was COMMITTED moreso to the PROCESS of RECOVERY than he was IN LOVE with me early on..I think. He personally wanted to be "GOOD" again and "NORMAL" again is what he would say and so became OPEN and HONEST and did the EXTRAORDINARY PRECAUTIONS..still does this stuff...so HE was EASY to BELIEVE..I didn't much doubt his HONESTY as much as his LOVE for me..MY STORY



I will suggest this to you about this sorta stinkin thinkin of yours...WORK on DISRESPECTFUL JUDGMENTS..you seem to be MAKING ASSUMPTIONS about HIM not backed up by FACTS or his communication with you. I continued to CHECK on my husband early on to see if he was being dishonest with me so if I doubted him or had to question him it would be based on FACTUAL INFORMATION..not my assumptions..for example, continued to check the phone records which he had made open to me..still checked regularly for many months...

HI SCHOOLBUS!!!!!!!

I AM SO HAPPY TO HAVE YOU CHECKING IN ON ME! i have sincerely missed you - your advise and your words. Your advise has literally changed my life.

i agree that i love hearing from MIMI- her advise hits the nail on the head for me so many times and makes me step back and rethink a situation to see it from a new perspective. She is also very wise and i thank G-d for both of you and the wondeful inspiring words that you send to me- even when they are difficult to read. i know that those words are the ones i need to hear the most.

and i really do appreciate that you say i am doing better. i FEEL better but sometimes i am not sure.

i LOVED the monk story- i had heard it before and it does hit home.

I understand that i need to let things go and i need to focus on today. my big problem is that my today has changed my yesterday and my tomorrow!

i have to rewrite the story of my life! i thought my life was one way and then i was devestated to find out that i was living a totally different life. I WAS THE WIFE OF THE CHEATING HUSBAND! I WAS THE WOMAN, WHO WHEN I WENT TO MY HUSBAND'S OFFICE, ALL THE WOMEN WERE WHISPERING "POOR HER- SHE HAS NO IDEA WHAT HE IS DOING". ( i have done the same thing speaking about other women myself.) I AM THE WOMAN WHO WALKS AROUND MY COMMUNITY WHERE MANY PEOPLE SUSPECTED MY HUSBAND OF CHEATING BECAUSE THEY SAW THINGS THAT I WAS PURPOSELY BLIND TO, AND THERE ARE THOSE SAME WHISPERS.

you may ask me - why do i care????

i dont know- i think because i am trying to readjust my brain to accept things as they ARE and not as i wish them to be.

also - my original question - you're right- speaks to starting over and moving on BUT (this is my hard one) i meant in opening my heart i am making myself VULNERABLE to be hurt by him again.

i know that i have closed up many parts of my heart through the years and even more closed after d-day. to really let my H in, i need to open them up - and risk it all.

its like i am standing on an unsteady stool or ladder, and i am not sure if i want to climb up high.

i so agree with you and i want to get to where you are- the place of peace, of acceptance and of love.

i am working hard to get there but it is a long road with many stumbling blocks.

the mb program works entirely on fixing the relationship between us and teaching us to like spending time together and make decisions together, so sometimes, it is hard to focus on me. how do you incorporate the two things??

i want to put that woman down- i will focus on it. i will focus on ME.

SF

mimi-
and the really disgusting part is -SHE IS A DOWDY, UGLY OUT OF SHAPE, WOMAN!!!!

and the really, really digusting second part is - SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF MY "FAKE CLOSEST FRIEND WHO HE HAD THE LONGEST AFFAIR WITH!!!!" so he was screwing the daughter and the mother.

really - this painfully shows me how sick he really was.

SF

mimi-
the honesty thing is so big. My H also did the EP too- changed his cell phone, let me check all e mails, etc. the problem is that he had lied about everything for so long- that i dont believe things he says.

he lied about the smallest things. like if he ate something. or anything. there was nothing he said that was true.

so - i think trust is also like the love bank account that Dr. Harley talks about. the trust account needs to be filled up.

i think everytime he tells the truth, it fills up a little more in my heart.

maybe THIS is the key to my question of this post-
I CANT LET HIM IN TO MY HEART AGAIN UNTIL I CAN TRUST HIM???

why would i let a liar into my heart?

so ....you say i need to work on myself- how do I build up trust when it is totally dependent on another person's honesty???

also - i totally agree about me making assumptions. i will stop, stop, stop!

SF

I too struggle with several insecurities stemming from the A. When ever they get overwhelming, I try to remind myself that constantly focusing on the fact there is an A in my life keeps adding fuel to its everlasting flame. Its like creating a shrine and then lovingly and religiously adding fuel to its candle on a daily basis so its light shines brightly.
The only way to get end the life of a "post A shrine" is to make a concious DAILY decision. Today I will focus on finding happiness for me and I will focus of bettering my relationship.
Once that is your intention set for the day (do it daily) it makes it easier to extingiush the flame of the tragedy of the A and let your own light and the happiness within you shine through. Eventually I am hoping that I wont need a daily reminder to dismantle the shrine
As far as the whispers and the fear of what others are saying or thinking of you IMHO its a mere refection of the way we view ouselves. If you have still not gotten over the fact that you are "ONE OF THOSE WOMEN" who decides to stay with their H who cheated you need to do some self work on that.
Once you are comfortable with your own choice you will find yourself free of the burden of being judged by others.
I know that there is a person in my H's office that H shared his story with and like you for a while I dreaded meeting this mutual friend and his wife. I kept thinking of how they might see me, pity me or wonder if I was weak to stay. Once I realised that I was projecting my own internal thoughts onto their voices, I did some serious internal searching and acceptance of my own choices.
Now I quite comfortable around them and no longer worry about what they think of me. I know I made a choice that I am at peace with and if they ever need to have a conversation with me about it, it wont be akward or uncomfortable for me.

Personal recovery rocks! and I have good days and bad. I am hoping that some day I will have had enough personal / maritial recovery that I can quit lurking/posting here. In the meantime one day at a time ... trying to achieve more good days than bad.

S-55,

Well, I've been gone for awhile because of many events going on. One major reason is that a person unknown had hacked into my computer somewhere, and I had to find out what was happening in order to keep certain things safe. I work in a position where confidentiality is very important, and the tekkies had to do some work to track down the culprit.

The figured out what was happening, and now things are somewhat back to normal. I had to go offline and reduce many normal computer activities and alter some patterns so they could follow a few things to trap the bugger.

Got him.

Onward!




You know, you're talking about some things that I understand so very well. About opening that heart up again, after feeling like your life just was NOT what you thought it was. You think other people look at you and judge what you are going through, look down at you, and you feel ashamed.


Yeah, been there, done that, hated it, and had the t-shirt forced on me.


But there's a way of looking at this that might be more REALISTIC, you know.

Your life, it wasn't what you thought it was. You went through it in a state of denial, trying to look away from what you thought was an affair. THat is true in your case. In your case, your husband covered up terrible activities that he was involved in.

The perspective here is that you are taking it to mean that you lived a different life than what you thought you lived. You didn't, really. You knew the marriage was not going well, and you saw the signs. The life you lived was there in front of you, and you lived a shaky existence. The fact that you did not confront it at the time does not CHANGE your life - it just makes the reality of it at that time

that you did not confront it and chose to live it as though there were not problems.

That does not mean your WHOLE LIFE was different than what you thought it was, does it? The reality is that you had some level of knowlege of the problem, and chose to look away.

Put this in the analogy of a person who is ill. They know they do not feel well. They see the signs, feel the symptoms. They choose to ignore the signs and symptoms until they reach a point where they MUST go to the doctor and hear the diagnosis. Does this change the reality of their whole life - the time that they had been sick all along? Of course it doesn't, because they knew it. Let's say the diagnosis is cancer. It does not change the depth of how badly their symptoms were, or how much they denied the problem, or how much their bodies lied to them. The reality remains that they denied and chose to look away.

Your whole life is not different. It was what you did at the time, and you cannot go back and change those choices - to look away, or to try to accept his explanations as the truth. You did what you did at the time, and ultimately you came to the point where you had to go to the doctor and accept the diagnosis - your d-days.


The reality about the other people looking at you, judging you, and knowing about your life?

Yeah, I know those feelings.

You're naked.

Yep. Right out there in front of God and everyone.

Naked naked BUCK nnnnaaaakkkkkeeeedddd.

That is the most difficult part of this ordeal!!!!

You are naked before your husband in emotional and spiritual matters, and he has stripped himself bare before you, too.

Because of this state, you now think that everyone who "knows" can see right through to the heart of you.

They can't, you know. The reality is that they can't.


They do talk, sure. Who cares? People talk about other people because they are so freaking insecure about themselves, that it makes them feel somehow stronger and better if someone has a problem it lifts them just a little higher in the pecking order.

They are temporarily emboldened. Note that word "temporarily". In reality, that boost they get from talking about you lasts just as long as it takes them to think of their most recent failure, or until they fail at something again - which in the human condition, is about 15 seconds.

Don't sweat the small stuff, sweetie. And that, is really small stuff.



Being naked always leaves us feeling ashamed. It makes us feel exposed and weak.

Nobody can see through to your mind or your heart, unless you open yourself up to them and allow them to know what you are thinking and feeling. You let them know if you are weak if you show weakness in body language, voice, presentation, poise, or mood.

So when you walk into your husband's office, even if you are feeling like the weakest person on this planet, know that you are NOT that person who is the weakest person on the planet - because you are one step farther down the road to recovery than you were two months ago, right? That is reality. And you are therefore two months stronger, two months smarter, two months more

YOU

than you were then.

So walk into that office and say, "I am MRS. SO and SO, and I am here to see my terrific husband. We have a great lunch planned, and I cannot wait another minute to see him! Where can I find that wonderful man?"

Let THAT get around. Because if the word is out that you are "getting over it", then he might get his ego stroked there, too, and hey, you look stronger and will feel stronger, and that builds on itself.


Finally, on the idea of being defined by the affair:

I have a question for you - and this time, I don't need or want an answer, because you will know and understand the answer as soon as I ask the question.

PLEASE EXPLAIN TO ME EXACTLY HOW SOMEONE COULD POSSIBLY BE DEFINED BY THE ACTS OF ANOTHER PERSON?????


SB

If you have still not gotten over the fact that you are "ONE OF THOSE WOMEN" who decides to stay with their H who cheated you need to do some self work on that.
Once you are comfortable with your own choice you will find yourself free of the burden of being judged by others.

WMF-
wow - this hit me like a ton of bricks! this is me! this is exactly my problem.

i was always the person who said in conversation - "if my husband ever cheated on me, i would divorce immediately".

my therapist told me that the only people who make this statement are people who have never experienced infideltiy- or in my case - a person who wasnt aware she was in a marriage FULL of infideltiy.

the joke on me - is the scope and number of affairs that he had - and i was just talking about one!

well - anyway- but HOW DO I "GET COMFORTABLE WITH MY OWN CHOICE"????????

i'm not sure it fits into my vision of what love and a marriage is supposed to be.

this must be why i struggle so deeply.

i am finding it difficult to REDEFINE marriage. i always thought that if a marriage included infidelity - it was over. how could a couple really love each other if one cheated? how could a couple stay married? it would just mean that the wife was too weak or scare to get divorced and throw the bum out!

so - now i AM THAT PERSON. how do i make sense of living against my basic beliefs??????

this is it in a nutshell. Have you felt like this WMF or MIMI or SB? or anyone else out there? and how did you make peace with it????

i loved yoru comparison to a shrine and getting rid of it everyday. i will use that myself and let you know how it works,
SF

S-55,

The problem may not be that you are living "against your basic beliefs", but more "against a basic fantasy".

We all grow up believing that marriage will be this relationship that involves knowing your partner's needs without having to ask or think about it, that your partner will come home and be terrific to you, that the two of you will share interests for nearly everything, your friends will all love both of you, that you will be just dying to see each other every moment of every day, that the feelings you had for each other will be intensifying by the moment and will last forever, and that your relationship will grow and bloom beyond your wildest dreams.

Your spouse will tell you his deepest thoughts, share his dreams, never cheat, always give you what you need and want, and meet every emotional and physical need you have. He will be your bestest, bestest, truest friend forever, and there will be no question of him for any reason.


That is what we believe, growing up. It is how we view marriage, and we fantasize it! That's what love feels like when we first sense those sparks and energies, and what we want and desire. It's what the movies imply when the screen goes dark, what the fairy tales tell us happens when they live "happily ever after", and what we think happens when we look at grown-ups around us at those weddings we went to when we were six and seven years old. When the fantasies began, when our thoughts began to map about what a marriage was, and what it might mean to us. When we began to "believe" in what a marriage would be for us. Then, we moved into our teen years, and had that "dreamy" boyfriend, and the thoughts of future married life, and then that first love.....and then we found ourselves IN LOVE.....and you know the rest.

So it is easy to understand why what you said, "I will divorce if he ever cheats on me" is so common. People believe that cheating is a deal-breaker. It ruins the fantasy, right? It does not fit that mold, and makes that Prince/Princess Charming story tarnished. Nobody wants a tarnished fairy tale, so they say, "Nope, not for me, I would walk away."

Easier said than done, and we are all living proof of that. Here we are, still in love with someone who tarnished the tale. And despite our belief of what we "would have done", we find that isn't what we would do after all! In real life, here we are, trying to put the fairy tale back on track, pick up the pieces, and re-write the story so that in the end, despite this plot twist, the couple can have a happy-ever-after ending anyway.



So what I submit to you is that you don't try to "live with your beliefs". I will tell you it does not fit your "vision", that you don't have to "redefine marriage", and that it has nothing whatsoever to do with what love is at all.

This has to do with coming to the realization that the life you had planned to live and the life you have before you are two different things. That your ideas about what your marriage would be like and what you are now faced with are two different things. That we can no more plan what life gives us than we can rope the wind. But we can do this:

Change.

Sometimes we just have to change a little bit, like what we had thought we might do if our husbands cheated. Other times, we have to change a lot.

So we change our perspective.
Change what we thought we knew.
Change what we thought we were going to do.
Change what we thought we were so darn sure about.
Change our behavior.
Change our responses.
Change our weakest points into stronger points.
Change our mediocrities into strengths.
Change our strengths into absolute pillars of excellence.


And we can change our resistance to the wind, so that our sails still take us where we want to go, even when the wind is in our faces.

Yes its a struggle that went thru too... My struggle was that I basically belive that I am a strong person and I know when it really matters I do make the hard choices , and not just the easy choice. In this case however I wondered if I was letting fear (of whatever) drive my decision. If I had pre D day thought that if it ever happened I would be out, then how come I surprised my self with this choice.
Belive me I surprised my self when I heard the words coming out of my mouth that said I did not want to let it go and I wanted to make it work between us.
So for a while I lived with the false assumption that may be I was making the choice in weaknees. So I sat down and thought about ok what happens if we dont recover and dont make it ?
What are my fears and how will I deal with what happens to:

Kids
finances
social stigma
loss of compansionship
(fill in the blank)

After I worked thru a plan for each one in my head I realised I was no longer afraid of a D. If WE did not work out I would be ok .
Now I am really free to make a choice.
What do I want ?
Answer
I love my H , I enjoy his company and our life together.

So guess what - I plan on enjoying it while it works and if by a .0000001% chance it does not work out I'll be ok too .

So if any one wants to judge or whisper about it bring it on.

That being said I want to be clear about one other conclusion I arrived at. I recoganize that a contributing factor in the A was the neglect in our relationship. Now I am more present and more "in tune " with what we need as individuals and as a couple to thrive. So if my H is planning another A (or innocently falls into an A) I will be very angry that he wasted my time and effort.
I wont feel pain from the A (nor will I care about the details) but rather I will be sad for my H that he has not learned the valuable lessons that this A has forced to the surface and brought into our marriage and relationship.

I am not sure what advise to give you on how to be comfortable with you choice only you can arrive at that. All I know is honesty is a great tool and start by being honest with yourself.

Can you get over the fact that you H had an affair and you chose to stay with him?

Can you still see yourself in the same high regard after making that choice like you did before ?

What do you need from your WS in order to get over this betrayal/pain.

Do you think what you are getting (or can potentially get)out of your marriage/relationship is worth the effort it requires to be put in.

These are the hard Qs I asked myself after the inital fog of the BS pain and panic lifted ( and thanks to some wonderful posters here I was able to lift myself out of the painful ditch that I was in )

I think MB shows us tried and tested skills that allow us to have healthy and happy realationships no matter what the starting point. And much like a diet unless you actually follow the plan , knowing which foods are good for you is not enough.
Reading the diet book and gathering the info is not what causes the weight loss. Its the actual "staying" on the diet that sheds the pounds.
So I plan on keeping up with the knowlege and info I gather with better-ing my relationship and when I find myself slipping , I give myself a kick and the butt and get right back on the MB diet(sorry I mean life style change LOL):)

SB-
wow - i really have missed you!! i am so glad that your computer got fixed.

you are so perceptive and know me so well.

the sick person comparison was WONDERFUL!!!

I LOVED IT!

IT is starting to make sense to me now- i am the sick person who denies that the sickness existed because i was afraid of the diagnosis!!! wow- now what would i think of a person who did that ??

i also would think that they are weak and silly. why wouldnt they want to know if the were sick or well so they could deal with the sickness if there is one? wouldnt it be better to start treatment right away instead of delaying it?

not if one of the options was that my life would end as i know it -that i might not have a cure and i would die.
ok- that can make sense to me now.

i acknowledge that my marriage was a mess during those years when the cheating was happening, but i truly did not believe that my H - as lousy as things were- would ever cross the line of cheating on me. i thought he had some baseline of integrity and right and wrong- but i know now that i was so wrong.

and i do agree - I CAN NOT BE DEFINED BY SOMEONE ELSE'S ACTIONS. I CAN ONLY BE DEFINED BY MYSELF AND MY OWN ACTIONS. AND I WILL NOT BE THE WOMAN WHOSE HUSBAND CHEATED ON HER AND SHE BECAME A BITTER, ANGRY WOMAN.

I WILL BE THE WOMAN WHO GREW FROM A CATERPILLAR INTO A BEAUTIFUL BUTTERFLY-

whose husband cheated on her and then she found out who she really was-

the woman whose husband cheated on her and was strong enough to stay in the marriage and create a new marriage.

the woman who found out who i was supposed to be, and never was.

i can be buck naked in front of people and hold my head higd- because i am still standing- because i am proud of the person i am and the person i am still becoming.

SF

Just read the last couple pages of this thread and I'm so happy I did. I have felt myself slipping the last couple weeks and needed a kick in the butt...reading all the words of wisdom to SF has put my head on straight again. Thank you.

SB-
you are exactly right again- i DID have all those fantasies about what love and my life would be like.

"THE LIFE I HAD PLANNED TO LIVE AND THE LIFE I HAVE BEFORE ME ARE TWO DIFFERENT THINGS." i loved this line. it says it all.

i am comparing it in my mind to my inability to bear children.

that was NOT the life i planned. Yet- i love my 3 adopted children more than anything and have learned to make peace with losing the ability to bear children.

yes - i fantasized about all of that too and grieved for so long for myself for losing out on that life experience.

even now - i still get twinges watching newborns or women giving birth on tv.

just like even now, when i go to weddings, i cry thinking of the innocence and myself with my visions when i married.

but as you so wisely point out - WE CAN NOT PLAN OUR LIVES.

I know it in my head- yet i have such a hard time making it part of me.

so i can CHANGE. (You once told me that this was my key to recovery and what i was so afraid of.)

i need to change - to throw away all my old beliefs.

"WE CAN CHANGE OUR RESISTANCE TO THE WIND, SO THAT OUR SAILS TAKE US WHERE WE WANT TO GO, EVEN WHEN THE WIND IS IN OUR FACES."

simply beautiful.....

why am i so afraid to throw away these beliefs and change? what is holding me back????????

SF

WMF-

i loved one of your lines - "Once you are comfortable with your own choice, you will find yourself free of the burden of being judged by others;"

this is true. i need to get comfortable wiht myself and see myself as a woman who stayed with her cheating husband.

i want to see myself as stronger that i stayed - not weaker.

really- it would have been easier to walk away and just start a new relationship with someone else, or not... and just enjoy myself.

anyway- i am not proud of it- that i have a cheating husband who i stayed with. does any person ever feel proud?

the only thing i can say to people who have never experienced infidelity- is "until you walk a mile in my shoes- dont judge me. i was saying the exact same things as you, until it happened to me."

and personal recovery does rock- i agree.

thanks for the support and understanding, SF

To anyone out there that has worked on the POJA-

my H and i are stuck and at an impasse in trying to negotiate how we spend time together.

ISSUE-
My H has been obsessed his whole life with body building and woraking out. sometimes hours a day. never missing a day- ice, rain, vacation, sickness, etc.

Also- sadly- he would wake up early every morning-5:30 - not even saying goodbye- and go off to work out at the "club". unfortunately, he met 2 affair partners there. so now i realize taht he was waking up to work out and to have sex with them after workouts.

how sickening. - and he never said goodbye. i would just wake up to an empty bed and not sure where he was.

now that i know-....oh well.

and secondly- he built a large gym with tons of equipment in our basement. i called it his CAVE.

he would go down there for hours everytime he wanted to avoid me or the kids. after working out he would watch sports, or violent movies.

i remember so clealy- seeing myself on a saturday nights- dressed and ready to go out to a movie and he refusing to get out of the chair and telling me to move because i was blocking the TV. i would cry and plead and then get angry.

sometimes it worked and he went out with me- and sometimes it didnt.

now i could kick myself for begging him and crying. why didnt i just go out myself with friends or whatever????

anwyay- the issue now-he wants to keep working out for his health and has said that he will work out in the basement for 20 mins each morning.

i say that MB says no- our most enjoyable activities are supposed to be together. we have been walking a few times a week together- but he doesnt consider that exercise because it isnt long enough = he says 45 mins. i say 30, and not a "power walk"

i donto want to work out in the cave as i find it depressing. we really dont have enough time to go to a gym and get a babysitter every time.

so- we cant seem to find a solutions. i think that he is not willing to compromise.

i told him that maybe i would try the basement.

any suggestions from the vets out there- who know how to negotiate????

we have been living seperate lives for so long that it is hard to change.

sf

Ok here is where it gets tricky for me.

I am proud of my Husband .

I am proud of me for trying to work hard at achieving a more fulfilling marital relationship.

I am proud of "US" for trying to grow and learn from our mistakes and do better from D day forward.

I dont define my H as a cheater. I define him as a person who cheated. I am not sure if there is a clear visible difference but in my heart thats how I feel.

Of course when I am having moments of darkness I dont see the light as I do right now and so thats my own personal recovery path. Keeping my eye on the big prize (marital and personal happiness) and shift my gaze away from all the stones that we tripped on along the path of getting there. The A being the largst rock so far .

P.S - I will be proud of me when I get to a point where I feel recovered. Its a long way away and I have way too many days where I take steps backwards. But as long I keep working at it I continue to be proud of me and all the BS's who find it in themselves to keep going inspite of the pain, triggers and depression.
Everyone who even attempts recovery should be proud of themselves and those who actually end up recovering (no matter what the outcome of the M) I am sure end up feel enoromous pride having survived the most devestating pain and crisis there is.

I ABSOLUTELY AGREE WITH WANNAMOVE...

ABSOLUTELY PROUD OF MYSELF...

ABSOLUTELY PROUD OF MY HUSBAND....

RECOVERY..the HARDEST thing I've ever done....

TAKES UTTER COURAGE and ULTIMATE PERSONAL GROWTH...

Sorry about the CAPS..but are for EMPHASIS...

WMF and Mimi-

ok - i hear you. i am not where you both are yet, but i hope to get there. i have alot more inner work to do.

i think i can get to the place where i am proud of me- for staying and working out the marriage- but PROUD OF MY H?? WHAT DO YOU SAY TO YOURSELF TO MAKE YOU PROUD OF HIM?

the things i can think of - is that he confessed to the affairs- that he chose to change himself and our marriage as i did- that he saw the errors in his ways- that he didnt run to the other women- AM I GETTING CLOSE???

sf

OK - a new story to post.

last night we drove past one of the streets that my H used to meet one of hiw OW for sex in the car. every time we have come anyway near it, it is a major trigger- as it was last night.

i said terrible things- LB- to him about why he would drive down that street.

then during our yoga class and idea came to me-

SORRY - sent it by accident.

so during yoga class an idea appears in my head-

I NEED TO RELEASE THE HURT AND ANGER I FEEL EVERY TIME WE GO DOWN OR NEAR THAT STREET. I CAN NOT LET IT CONTROL ME ANY LONGER AND RUIN MY EVENINGS.

so on the way home from class- (btw- my H takes yoga with me- something he would have NEVER done in a previous life)- i asked him to go to that street. i asked him to park in the same place that he used to park. then i asked him to describe everything that happened there. he did and he looked very pained reliving the experience.

then i closed my eyes and imagined the two of them having sex in this spot. i let myself feel the pain. i cried and cried and told him how i felt.

he only listened- no encouraging words for me. he was drowning in his own pain.

anyway- i felt a huge release. i was free of the pain and fear of that street!

now i have asked him to take me there again, and write something to me to read to me and embrace me in the car- to rewrite history. i am looking forward to going there- i hope soon.

SF

I dont say anything to my self to "MAKE ME" proud of him.

I just am . If I did not feel pride and admiration for what he bring into my life it would be very hard to "convince" me to stay. The A would have been the perfect opening that I would have been longing for deep down.

I do not approve of the A nor am I am proud of his choice for doing that.

One of things I am proud of him for is sticking it out and continuing to be here and try to make it work with me when he obviously had an option to take another (probably easier) route. No different than for a BS, its harder to try and stay with someone that hurt them and make it work. It might be (I fantasize) easier to find some other willing arms to sink into and shoulders to cry and someone else to wipe away our tears. The same way I think its hard on the FWS who stay too cause they do have a pay a price for staying.
I know how difficult this is for me cause I live it everyday, and yet at the same time a small part of me can see that it is difficult for my H too. No one wants to be reminded of their mistakes and everytime I trigger or everytime I am sad/ angry/ depressed I can see my H's pain in having to have his mistake brought into focus again.
I know some day he would like to move on and put that behind him, but until I am ready to get there he has no choice but to relive it and pay the price for his error. There seem to be no shortcuts or easy path for me or him and I am proud that we both are choosing to walk it. Maritial happiness will just be icing on the cake