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I am trying to move on so I can start to heal with therapy, but I can't get the visuals out of my head with my husband and the other women, and I saw one of them the other day and I had to get out of the place. I can't run forever, this was very fresh and the first one I saw. But I can't run from my own mind, any suggestions would help. Thank You.
I just found out about everything, by everything I mean, my husband has a sickness with sex addiction. He and I have lived a lie for 15 yrs. We have four children and Without a doubt I am trying to keep my head above the water for my children. I am just going hour by hour.
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I'm sorry to tell you this, but it takes awhile to work through your triggers. You can't turn them off like a switch. If you can afford it, I recommend you start counseling by phone with the Harleys. I can almost guarantee that you will feel much better after you speak with Steve or Jennifer. If you can't afford counseling, you can start the rigorous process of conditioning your thought patterns. Every time you have a trigger, make a conscious decision to think about something else, something happy. One of your children's activities maybe. Eventually, over the course of many months, the triggers will start to fade. Its a marathon though, not a sprint. Also, this place will be very good for your sanity. Vent here, vent often.
ex-WW had 2 PAs in first 2 years. Buh-bye.
Divorce finalized: 1/28/09
Now just living and loving again.
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I'm so sorry you're going through this. I had a very, very hard time dealing with this very issue myself.
It's a cliche response, but it's simply going to be a matter of time.
I had many triggers over time and it simply took carrying on with my life and doing other things and meeting new people to get past them.
A movie sitting on a shelf in a store was a trigger.
A love scene in a movie could be a trigger.
A news story could be a trigger.
Anything could be a trigger and can come unexpectedly.
My therapist has told me to simply acknowledge a trigger when it happens and tell myself that it is temporary and that I will get through it.
I can also tell you that I forced myself to recite the Hail Mary or the Our Father whenever I had a difficult time getting images out of my head.
I concentrated really hard on the words I was reciting to fill my head with those images and take away the bad ones.
Try a song if you're not religious.
Sometimes these little things can be enough to help you throgh the tough time.
D-Day 28 Feb 06
Plan D (Not by choice) - 24 March 06
DD6
DS4(Twin1)
DS4(Twin2)
She moved away with the kids April 08. I contested it and got a lot more time with my kids. She's unhappy that I want to stay involved in their lives and don't settle for being an "every other weekend" dad.
Never going to happen.
Ongoing personal recovery through the help of friends, family, and DC United Soccer!
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Who are the Harley's? Thanks for responding.
I just found out about everything, by everything I mean, my husband has a sickness with sex addiction. He and I have lived a lie for 15 yrs. We have four children and Without a doubt I am trying to keep my head above the water for my children. I am just going hour by hour.
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Thank You for responding, I am religious and I do say alot of prayers and it does help my favorite is the Serenity Prayer. I will vent often and I Thank God I found this site.
I just found out about everything, by everything I mean, my husband has a sickness with sex addiction. He and I have lived a lie for 15 yrs. We have four children and Without a doubt I am trying to keep my head above the water for my children. I am just going hour by hour.
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I will vent often and I Thank God I found this site. It would be much easier for everyone if you stuck to one thread. We get a lot of activity in this forum and it's hard to keep up if you're posting to two threads. Thanks!
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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Who are the Harley's? Thanks for responding. The Harleys are the proprietors of this website. Click the "Coaching Center" link at the top of the page for more information. They are $185/session (which is supposedly 55 minutes, but the 2 I did lasted about 70 minutes each). Its kind of expensive but they are well worth it. Much better than the local guy I used, although he was still ok.
ex-WW had 2 PAs in first 2 years. Buh-bye.
Divorce finalized: 1/28/09
Now just living and loving again.
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Crushed, For the most part time is the only thing the completely heals triggers. Some of the other things mentioned already can help shorten the time required.
Trying to fall asleep was the worse time for my triggers. My brain would start playing reels of speculations. I would have to take over and switch the video. I would mentally go surfing in Hawaii. Something that I used to love to do, regardless of how bad i felt, or stressed I was feeling all went away when I would paddle out into the surf.
Find a true to your life activity to recall whenever you need it.
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You've gotten some good ideas:
Don't try to fight them, just accept that they will happen, and that in time they will go away.
When they *do* happen, force yourself to think of something. Say the alphabet backwards, recall a happy event from the past, anything to put your mind somewhere else.
It's probably way too early for this trick, but eventually as your nerves begin to calm down and you and your husband begin to feel close again, you can deal with some triggers by taking ownership of them. For example, if a song is a trigger, you can plan a VERY special evening with your husband and play that song in the background, and replace the negative association with a positive one.
Some triggers will be too big to take ownership of. For example, trysting places he used. I'd just stay away from those. You might plan a celebratory dinner at a restaurant or you might find you need to avoid it. Every person and every situation is different.
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Hi C@40, I found this post by Marie on the Trigger Dumping thread from Feb. 06. It really helped me and I hope you can glean from it, too. Re: TRIGGER DUMPING ALLOWED...Trip on in! (I went first and my dumpster diving backfired!) [Re: _Ace_] omm Member Registered: Wed Feb 23 2000; Posts: 1223
TRIGGERS... nasty little beasts, no?
I was asked by the author of this thread to visit and give my input-- thanks so much for asking me, Ace!... it makes me feel all *important and stuff* .
Before starting, I should probably mention that my d-day was back in 1999... so I've pretty much *tweaked* my way out of all/any A-related triggers. In fact, it took a while for me to even remember all my personal triggers-- now, ain't that GOOD to read!
And, as I started remembering my triggers, I began putting my triggers into certain categories (odd, 'cause it never occurred to me to categorize the triggers back in the day when I was actually being triggered). I started thinking along the lines of, "Hey, maybe it would be a BENEFIT to others if they could categorize their triggers EARLY in the A process"... thus allowing everyone to get a better handle on them, so-to-speak (??).
So, here are my personal triggers outlined and labeled (along with what helped me cope)--
HEART/SOUL TRIGGERS: These are things that were temporarily tarnished by the A-- things that are near and dear to your heart (things that you want to REMAIN in your life and that you REFUSE to part with).
For me, these included triggers which targeted my love of gardening, my home, and my children.
These triggers were probably the 2nd hardest for me to rid myself of-- and I'm not sure there's any quick fix for these. I think you just have to tackle 'em-- "just do it", *bite the bullet*... refusing to allow the A to ruin these particular things for you. Mind over matter (I know, easier said then done).
Gardening was a HUGE trigger for me, and I think it was a good two years before I could GARDEN again in my own backyard. But, I kept the gardening dream alive. I kept telling myself, "it will come... you'll garden again... you'll know it when you're ready."
One additional thing that may help with these types of triggers, is in acknowledging THIS-- YOU were so much a part of your WS's self, that it took sharing a part of you, for WS to even begin to share the whole of himself with OP.
I'm hoping I didn't just lose everyone with that statement-- but I'll try to use an example to make it more clear:
my H was so adamant about bringing OW to *his* house to share *his* beautiful garden with her (I had done 99% gardening that year), when in reality H was sharing *us* with her. In order for him to appear *grand* in Ow's eye, it took ME ('cause I was every where H was... we had history). Now, for some, this may make you want to puke, but it actually gave me strength to realize that H really couldn't cut me out of the picture so easily-- I was there (whether he saw me or not... and this gave me a feeling of personal power).
SEX TRIGGERS: triggers dealing with the *nitty-gritty* (where/what they did together)
I feel extremely lucky that I didn't have any problems in this area. Aside from wanting to know what occurred in our home, I didn't want or need to know the nitty-gritty.
I believe that it's possible to engage in what I term *sport sex*-- sex without feeling/emotions. So, for the sake of my own sanity, I simply told myself that they engaged in *sport sex*... and that their escapades had nothing to do with tenderness or love. It may not have been true-- but it worked for me, so I went with it. The mind is a powerful thing.
OBJECT TRIGGERS: material things that you are willing to part with and can financially afford to do so (cars, chairs, CDs, sofas, bikes, crock pots)
My advice?-- CHUCK 'em. Today. Don't wait!
PERMANENT TRIGGERS: streets, parks, entire states, hotels,etc.
Now, I know several of you like to recreate new memories in permanent trigger areas-- and I'm not knocking you for doing so-- but for those of us who can't stomach the thought, here's an alternative approach to think about...
*tarnish the trigger*... view what they did in this place as foul (not desired, not good, NOT GOAL WORTHY).
For instance, one of my trigger spots was the parking lot of a McDonalds in our neighborhood. Sure, I could have driven around to avoid it (and sometimes I did early on), or I could have tried to seduce my H in the parking lot of the McDonalds to create our own new memory... but, when I got right down to it, I didn't think a hand-job and tongue wrestling in the parking lot of a McDonalds (at night) was a memory worth savoring/recreating. So, I tarnished that trigger... *what was good enough for OW, simply wasn't good enough for us/me*.
Instead of groping in the parking lot, I wanted to hold my H's hand IN PUBLIC, inside the restaurant, while we shared french fries. I wanted to gaze at him in the booth, look into his eyes, and say loud enough for others to hear, "You are so beautiful." And so, I did...
WORD TRIGGERS: The ones that seem to stay embedded in the brain (the, "I don't love you anymore," "OP is so beautiful," "you're boring," "OP is THE ONE," etc.)
For me, these were the hardest to overcome-- these cut the deepest.
So, what's the best way around them?... For me, it was AFFIRMATIONS (celebrating the value and goodness within yourself)... recreating new "internal tapes" for myself.
You must learn to affirm yourself-- again and again.... over and over... until you believe it... until you are LIVING IT... until your belief in yourself flows from your very pores.
Surround yourself with family/friends that uplift you. Find something, within yourself, to believe in-- and HONOR it, cling to it, BREATHE IT. Create a personal mantra-- one that gives you strength and makes you believe in self. TAPE it to your bedroom mirror (so it's the first/last thing you see each day/night). Make a second copy of your mantra and tuck it in your pocket-- and when you're triggered, reach into your pocket and FOCUS on your mantra (breathe slowly and purposefully... and really, really work to free your mind of the cluttered, uncomfortable thoughts).
Need help with understanding/creating a mantra or personal affirmation(s)-- *visit here*
Ace, hope this helped!
You are all such BEAUTIFUL SOULS-- hoping you all find the peace you so deserve!
Hugs, Marie
FWH/BW (me)57+ M:36+ yr.
4 D-Days: Jun-Nov 06 E/PA~OW#2 (OW#1 2000)
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Thank You Ace, That did help to give me ideas of ways to cope. Thanks again. That one person that said to stick to one thread, what did they mean?
I just found out about everything, by everything I mean, my husband has a sickness with sex addiction. He and I have lived a lie for 15 yrs. We have four children and Without a doubt I am trying to keep my head above the water for my children. I am just going hour by hour.
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Do you mean stay with the General Questions 11 ? I have alot of questions right now and I really don't know how to use this sight yet. Sorry
I just found out about everything, by everything I mean, my husband has a sickness with sex addiction. He and I have lived a lie for 15 yrs. We have four children and Without a doubt I am trying to keep my head above the water for my children. I am just going hour by hour.
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It means that you should make all your posts to just this one thread so that people can follow you.
It makes it hard when you jump around and create new topics.
D-Day 28 Feb 06
Plan D (Not by choice) - 24 March 06
DD6
DS4(Twin1)
DS4(Twin2)
She moved away with the kids April 08. I contested it and got a lot more time with my kids. She's unhappy that I want to stay involved in their lives and don't settle for being an "every other weekend" dad.
Never going to happen.
Ongoing personal recovery through the help of friends, family, and DC United Soccer!
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