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35,
I'm going to try again, against my better judgment.
Short summary of Plan A:
1) Identify her Emotional Needs and do what she allows in the way of meeting them. 2) Identify your Love Busters that you may be committing and eliminate them from your life as much as might be possible.
If you do 1 and 2 above, you will be making deposits into her Love Bank and she will begin to reconnect with her feelings for you.
Unless she is still involved either in reality or in some hold out position of fantasy for OM, whom I still suggest is NOT your friend, her friend or a friend of your marriage, precisely because of your wife's attraction to him if for no other reason.
What you can expect from her at first:
1) Nothing 2) Nada 3) Zip 4) Zilch 5) Zero
This includes things both positive and negative, BTW. Anything you expect will cause you confusion, pain, lost sleep, and anguish over what you might have done differently when she does not respond or react the way you expected her to. It will be your unmet expectations that will lead to your trouble in following a plan.
And that is what you need; a PLAN.
Not merely a direction but a specific set of things that you PLAN to do, in sequence and without regard to how she reacts at first.
The PLAN should be Plan A.
Meet her ENs. Eliminate Love Busters.
Have NO expectations as to how she might react.
Don't know if you are a football fan or not, but consider a game plan in a big game. The team most likely to win is the one that has a plan that exploits the opponents' weakness, maximizes their own strengths and then has the ability to execute that plan regardless of what the opposition does in response.
Even when losing it will be the team with a plan that is most likely to pull it out in the end.
If the plan is a good one and valid for the opposing team, then there should be no reason to abandon it when things go amiss at some point because of lack of execution or some mishap out of your control. If the plan is valid, it should be a winning strategy and working harder at executing the plan should make winning more likely.
Responding to the opponent based solely on what they do is not having a plan. It is reacting rather than acting.
Meet her ENs.
Avoid Love Busters.
Continue till you win or they drag you from divorce court by your heels.
Continue no matter what she does, says or thinks.
See the Musings thread linked in my sig line for more on Plan A on page 1 and including links on about page 4, 5 and again on 6.
At the bottom of page 9 are links to threads by a poster who came here about ayear ago, struggled with what to do and then turned things around and saved his marriage killing the affair his wife was having literally on the eve of her moving from the marital home. Mark those threads and read them when you have time.
I don't know what your financial situation is but if you can find the money to do so, call the coaching center for a phone session with Steve or Jennifer. Either can do more in 45 minutes than many therapists can in months of appointments. They both have a way of cutting to the chase without dwelling on a lot of nonspecific peripheral elements.
Mark
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I am trying to fill her EN's right now as much as possible. You make it really hard for people to help you. I did not ask how much are you trying to fill her ENs. 1. What are her top ENs? (hint: list them for me) 2. How are you trying to fill them? (hint: I want specific examples)
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I will get to the NC letter eventually, right now, she doesn't want anything to do with me and she's borderline thinking of moving out of the house. You know, I think you should lay off the NC letter for now. You've told her you don't want her having contact with OM. She knows that. If you force her to write an NC letter right now, she wont' be sincere and she'll break the agreement. I wouldn't push this right now. I'd focus on: Exposure Meeting ENs Avoiding LBs
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I am trying to fill her EN's right now as much as possible. You make it really hard for people to help you. I did not ask how much are you trying to fill her ENs. 1. What are her top ENs? (hint: list them for me) 2. How are you trying to fill them? (hint: I want specific examples) Ok, instead of skirting what you asked of me, when I get home, I will make the lists, and post them for you as you asked.
D-Day 9/28/08 Married for 7 years
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35,
I'm going to try again, against my better judgment.
Short summary of Plan A:
1) Identify her Emotional Needs and do what she allows in the way of meeting them. 2) Identify your Love Busters that you may be committing and eliminate them from your life as much as might be possible.
If you do 1 and 2 above, you will be making deposits into her Love Bank and she will begin to reconnect with her feelings for you.
Unless she is still involved either in reality or in some hold out position of fantasy for OM, whom I still suggest is NOT your friend, her friend or a friend of your marriage, precisely because of your wife's attraction to him if for no other reason.
What you can expect from her at first:
1) Nothing 2) Nada 3) Zip 4) Zilch 5) Zero
This includes things both positive and negative, BTW. Anything you expect will cause you confusion, pain, lost sleep, and anguish over what you might have done differently when she does not respond or react the way you expected her to. It will be your unmet expectations that will lead to your trouble in following a plan.
And that is what you need; a PLAN.
Not merely a direction but a specific set of things that you PLAN to do, in sequence and without regard to how she reacts at first.
The PLAN should be Plan A.
Meet her ENs. Eliminate Love Busters.
Have NO expectations as to how she might react.
Don't know if you are a football fan or not, but consider a game plan in a big game. The team most likely to win is the one that has a plan that exploits the opponents' weakness, maximizes their own strengths and then has the ability to execute that plan regardless of what the opposition does in response.
Even when losing it will be the team with a plan that is most likely to pull it out in the end.
If the plan is a good one and valid for the opposing team, then there should be no reason to abandon it when things go amiss at some point because of lack of execution or some mishap out of your control. If the plan is valid, it should be a winning strategy and working harder at executing the plan should make winning more likely.
Responding to the opponent based solely on what they do is not having a plan. It is reacting rather than acting.
Meet her ENs.
Avoid Love Busters.
Continue till you win or they drag you from divorce court by your heels.
Continue no matter what she does, says or thinks.
See the Musings thread linked in my sig line for more on Plan A on page 1 and including links on about page 4, 5 and again on 6.
At the bottom of page 9 are links to threads by a poster who came here about ayear ago, struggled with what to do and then turned things around and saved his marriage killing the affair his wife was having literally on the eve of her moving from the marital home. Mark those threads and read them when you have time.
I don't know what your financial situation is but if you can find the money to do so, call the coaching center for a phone session with Steve or Jennifer. Either can do more in 45 minutes than many therapists can in months of appointments. They both have a way of cutting to the chase without dwelling on a lot of nonspecific peripheral elements.
Mark Mark, Thank you for not giving up on us yet. I say us because 'we' are still married. I am doing the legwork by studying exactly what you have wrote. I will continue studying about the Love Busters and EN's. I will also study the other information you provided that's listed on page 9. Thank you for taking the time to write such a long post, your help is needed, I cannot do this alone. I appreciate it. Let me start studying right now. Thank you.
D-Day 9/28/08 Married for 7 years
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35,
Working on the assumption that she will show no interest in filling out the EN questionnaire right now and probably won't make much effort to assist you in discovering her ENs, try filling out the ENQ as if you were her. It doesn't work really well, but if you have been paying attention to the things she has said, some of them might give you hints at what her ENs really are.
When in doubt, weigh what you think against the ENs of the "typical" wife, which should be some combination of Affection, Conversation, Honesty and Openness, Financial Support and Family Commitment. Keep in mind that these are typically the top 5 of women, but the other ENs generally associated with men might also come into play as well as some ENs that are unique to your wife.
Love Busters can be easier to determine since these might be things she has complained about in the past. Since the LB list is pretty short and since most of them can be summed up pretty easily (read the links in Basic Concepts if you need to be refreshed) you really need to work on identifying those that you commit regularly and dump them from your marriage all together. These are the things that make her feel unloved and unloving toward you, so they really need to get expunged. If you really take a look at yourself, you should be able to determine what you do in the way of Love Busters.
Also remember that she will say things that are contradictory even on their face. She will talk in circles and waver between wanting to build a better marriage and saying she wishes you were dead. Just let all of these things go for now. Some will hurt; some will make you feel like giving up and some may make you wish you'd never met this woman. For now, let them all go.
At this point it is only her actions you need to focus on, If she says she wants a divorce, only spend any time on it if she actually gets a lawyer (you should not pay for that, BTW) and files the papers.
If she says she's leaving, don't help her to do so but only worry about it if she actually does. Even that doesn't need to be the end. You don't have to discuss separation or divorce with her, just repeat the mantra that you love her and are fighting to save your marriage.
Be there for her when she wants you and give her space when she pushes you away. But don't fall for the line "I need space to figure out what I want," because that is wayward fog-babble for "I want to go have this fling and know that you'll wait for me while I'm gone."
Try not to lean on her constantly for a decision, but don't let her just float as if nothing is wrong either. It takes some practice to get to the point of knowing when to draw near to her and when to just ignore her, but it can be done once you get the hang of it and understand how to tell the difference.
Avoid venting at her or around her as much as possible. Come here to vent and try to keep in game plan mode around her as much as you can stand.
Also, be sure you are getting enough sleep and enough to eat. Skip the drinking and running with friends, but try to schedule something to let off steam. Exercise is great for this as it helps control the emotions especially the depression that always seems just below the surface.
You only have to give up when you want to give up and not before. Don't throw in the towel till you're sure you are done.
Work at understanding and executing Plan A and plan to do it for 3 to 6 months. At some point if things don't go as you'd like consider getting a Plan B ready to pull the trigger on before your own love for her dies completely.
You don't have to be a doormat for her, BTW in order to do Plan A. Just remain respectful and show her your love for her with your actions.
Skip trying to educate her. It won't happen.(Never try to teach a pig to dance. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.)
If you haven’t done so as of yet, get Surviving An Affair and read it and study it.
Mark
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35,
Working on the assumption that she will show no interest in filling out the EN questionnaire right now and probably won't make much effort to assist you in discovering her ENs, try filling out the ENQ as if you were her. It doesn't work really well, but if you have been paying attention to the things she has said, some of them might give you hints at what her ENs really are.
When in doubt, weigh what you think against the ENs of the "typical" wife, which should be some combination of Affection, Conversation, Honesty and Openness, Financial Support and Family Commitment. Keep in mind that these are typically the top 5 of women, but the other ENs generally associated with men might also come into play as well as some ENs that are unique to your wife.
Love Busters can be easier to determine since these might be things she has complained about in the past. Since the LB list is pretty short and since most of them can be summed up pretty easily (read the links in Basic Concepts if you need to be refreshed) you really need to work on identifying those that you commit regularly and dump them from your marriage all together. These are the things that make her feel unloved and unloving toward you, so they really need to get expunged. If you really take a look at yourself, you should be able to determine what you do in the way of Love Busters.
Also remember that she will say things that are contradictory even on their face. She will talk in circles and waver between wanting to build a better marriage and saying she wishes you were dead. Just let all of these things go for now. Some will hurt; some will make you feel like giving up and some may make you wish you'd never met this woman. For now, let them all go.
At this point it is only her actions you need to focus on, If she says she wants a divorce, only spend any time on it if she actually gets a lawyer (you should not pay for that, BTW) and files the papers.
If she says she's leaving, don't help her to do so but only worry about it if she actually does. Even that doesn't need to be the end. You don't have to discuss separation or divorce with her, just repeat the mantra that you love her and are fighting to save your marriage.
Be there for her when she wants you and give her space when she pushes you away. But don't fall for the line "I need space to figure out what I want," because that is wayward fog-babble for "I want to go have this fling and know that you'll wait for me while I'm gone."
Try not to lean on her constantly for a decision, but don't let her just float as if nothing is wrong either. It takes some practice to get to the point of knowing when to draw near to her and when to just ignore her, but it can be done once you get the hang of it and understand how to tell the difference.
Avoid venting at her or around her as much as possible. Come here to vent and try to keep in game plan mode around her as much as you can stand.
Also, be sure you are getting enough sleep and enough to eat. Skip the drinking and running with friends, but try to schedule something to let off steam. Exercise is great for this as it helps control the emotions especially the depression that always seems just below the surface.
You only have to give up when you want to give up and not before. Don't throw in the towel till you're sure you are done.
Work at understanding and executing Plan A and plan to do it for 3 to 6 months. At some point if things don't go as you'd like consider getting a Plan B ready to pull the trigger on before your own love for her dies completely.
You don't have to be a doormat for her, BTW in order to do Plan A. Just remain respectful and show her your love for her with your actions.
Skip trying to educate her. It won't happen.(Never try to teach a pig to dance. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.)
If you haven’t done so as of yet, get Surviving An Affair and read it and study it.
Mark Mark, All I can say is 'wow'! That was one heck of a read! I have to back off right now from her, to keep her in the house. She was trying to move out, but for now she has moved to another bedroom. She knows that I am here for her, I've told her that many times in the last couple of days. I told her it would be better for her to stay in our house, than to move out to a place that is rather unsanitary. I saw the book 'Surviving An Affair' was for sale at a local book store. I would buy it over the internet, but I'm working from my own cash right now and don't want her to see what I'm reading, so I'll go and try and buy it today at work. I'll start reading it right away, I know that I have a lot of catching up to do. Last night I was ready to throw in the towel, but I won't give up yet. There is no major hurry, she hasn't hired a lawyer and she knows that we have to fix the house up before it was to be put on the market, so we're looking at 3 to 6 months regardless, before she could file for divorce. Like you said, don't give up until they are dragging you by your heels to the divorce. I need to start working out as well, exercise will be my outlet of frustrations. Thank you for the advice Mark, I will keep you posted on the progress. Thank you for not giving up on us. 35
D-Day 9/28/08 Married for 7 years
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35, they usually don't file for divorce because it is much easier to carry on an affair from the comforts of your home with your spouse continuing to meet your needs. It is called CAKE EATING! So, while you don't want to push her out, for sure, you also don't want to tolerate abuse in order to keep her there. Do you understand? So that means if she wants to play single woman and chase the OW, you need to stand firmly against it. Plan A does not stand for APPEASEMENT.
I would ignore all talk of divorce and not allow her to scare and manipulate you into silence with such talk.
Also, there is no reason she can't see that you have bought Surviving an Affair. This is not something that needs to be hid. In fact, you would want to leave it laying around so she might pick it up too.
You have nothing to hide, 35; you have done nothing wrong.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I am trying to fill her EN's right now as much as possible. You make it really hard for people to help you. I did not ask how much are you trying to fill her ENs. 1. What are her top ENs? (hint: list them for me) 2. How are you trying to fill them? (hint: I want specific examples) Ok, instead of skirting what you asked of me, when I get home, I will make the lists, and post them for you as you asked. What are her top ENs? How are you trying to fill them?
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35,
Don't miss what Mel told you about not letting her be a cake-eater. You don't have to let her continue headlong through an affair without standing up for yourself in the name of Plan A. But don't wave divorce or separation around as a negotiating tool. Work at Plan A full tilt and begin considering options for Plan B, which like Plan A is not a case of trying something else but another actual plan. Read up on it and ask questions as you begin to plan for it.
Begin thinking in terms of weeks instead of days and months instead of weeks. Be in this for the long-haul and full blast. If you screw up or fall down, get back up and line up to go again. This will be a marathon rather than a sprint. Plan A should be intense and full throttle for about 3 to 6 months and by then, if things have not turned around it is time for Plan B. So work at Plan A while planning for Plan B since in many if not most cases that is what will have to take place. Not trying to scare you, just stating what happens.
And you might want to try to focus a bit on Turtle's questions. You can't meet her ENs until you actually know what they are. So identify them and answer the questions since that in itself can help you foucus on doing what needs to be done. Also, lots of folks can help you come up with ideas for meeting her ENs once they have been identified.
Mark
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35, they usually don't file for divorce because it is much easier to carry on an affair from the comforts of your home with your spouse continuing to meet your needs. It is called CAKE EATING! So, while you don't want to push her out, for sure, you also don't want to tolerate abuse in order to keep her there. Do you understand? So that means if she wants to play single woman and chase the OW, you need to stand firmly against it. Plan A does not stand for APPEASEMENT.
I would ignore all talk of divorce and not allow her to scare and manipulate you into silence with such talk.
Also, there is no reason she can't see that you have bought Surviving an Affair. This is not something that needs to be hid. In fact, you would want to leave it laying around so she might pick it up too.
You have nothing to hide, 35; you have done nothing wrong. Good point MelodyLane, I have been closely watching her actions in the last couple of days. She went to study one night at a local eatery and offered that I could drive by to see who she is with if I wanted. Last night we went to counseling and afterwards I said very little, we rode together. She was going to go out after we got home and I retreated to my place in the home. I came out 45 minutes later, expecting she had left and she was watching tv, which I found to be odd. Today at work we talked very little, so little that we might have exchanged 3 sentences max. Her overall mood today was again pretty somber. With that said, I'm done with pleading like a fool like I was. I won't be walked on at this point, but I will give her the space needed and affirmed my love for her and that I'm here to support her emotionally. I told her I won't be supporting financially, that changed last Friday when we got paid. The local stores don't have that book in stock, but I will get it ordered this weekend, I did see another book by Dr. Harley, but not the one I wanted. I can't wait to get and read the book. It sounds as if this book is what I need to spend a lot of time reading and studying. My emotions at this point have leveled off a lot. I think I have started to see the reality of the situation and am trying to move forward as best as possible. Thank you for the reply. 35
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I am trying to fill her EN's right now as much as possible. You make it really hard for people to help you. I did not ask how much are you trying to fill her ENs. 1. What are her top ENs? (hint: list them for me) 2. How are you trying to fill them? (hint: I want specific examples) Ok, instead of skirting what you asked of me, when I get home, I will make the lists, and post them for you as you asked. What are her top ENs? How are you trying to fill them? I'm sorry, I was supposed to do this last night and forgot, I'll make it happen tonight for sure. Watch for a reply on this tonight, my apologies.
D-Day 9/28/08 Married for 7 years
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Something else worth mentioning, is that in counseling last night, and I know what you guys said about counseling, that's why I am bringing this up. She said the counselor/doc said it was ok for her to see the OM if that's what she wanted. I told her I did not agree with this and she was free to make her own choices. I told her in an hour the counselor could not possibly understand everything that is going on and I didn't have time to explain it all. I know that counseling is not a good option at this point, but I had already scheduled the appointment and went thru with it to see how it would go. I didn't really take away a whole lot from the experience. I should have gone by myself and left her out of it. I told her that she cannot see OM again, regardless of who told her what, that it was not feasible. Seeing OM again is just going to put us back to square one. Just thought I would mention that to you all. Thanks, will update as I can. 35
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I am trying to fill her EN's right now as much as possible. You make it really hard for people to help you. I did not ask how much are you trying to fill her ENs. 1. What are her top ENs? (hint: list them for me) 2. How are you trying to fill them? (hint: I want specific examples) Ok, instead of skirting what you asked of me, when I get home, I will make the lists, and post them for you as you asked. What are her top ENs? How are you trying to fill them? I'm going to try and answer this, if I'm wrong let me know, but if I understand it right there are several EN's that I can choose from according to the EN's list. 1.) Recreational Companionship 2.) Financial Support - not sure how I can fill this need without being walked on 3.) Physical Attractiveness - I could stand to lose some weight 1.) I've tried Recreational Companionship, but she doesn't wish to have my companionship at all right now, I've tried a couple times and am told no, I'm angry at you and don't want to be around you. 2.) Financial Support - I'm trying to live up to this expectation, but with our finances separate, I can offer but she doesn't want any Financial Support, she's very stubborn in this aspect. She's allowed me a little leadway here because she has no choice. I continue to meet half the bills and expenses. 3.) This is the one I have the hardest trouble with, I need to work out badly, I'm a little overweight and I invited her to work out with me, to which I get a prompt, 'No'. I have tried to fill the OM's shoes in this respect, so far I haven't gotten anywhere. I will still continue to offer it though. Last night she tried to tell me if she moves out, that I will be responsible for the electricity bill, since I'll be the only one living there. I quickly countered with, if that's the case, then I won't pay one of the credit cards to the female clothing shop then, since I didn't buy anything there. She quickly rethought her decision of moving out at that point. I guess she was trying to offset the cost it would take for her to move to the unsanitary home that she could stay in, but I won't make it financially easy for her to move out and live next door to OM, even if it makes sense to her. It would be completely walking on me and everything I've tried to accomplish. What steps should I take if she moves out to live next to the OM? I don't want to sound threatening, but that would be very bad at this point in time, considering she has a nice home to live in now, and there's no reason to leave. 35
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35,
Not questioning your list, but are you sure that would be her top three. FS might be near the top, but usually RC and AS is not a huge priority for most women.
Not saying it isn't that way, just that the first two are normally in the top three for most men.
Also realize that the ENs OM met better at the time this began might be high on her list right now, but in the long run will slip well down the scale. The things you have done well she is avoiding because it would mean she has to acknowledge that you weren't the bad guy in all of this, and that means she and/or OM are the bad guys. Sort of bursts the fantasy bubble when you have to admit that you are the one who screwed things up.
It could also be a case of she now complains about a handful of things that really don't amount to much because she is not willing to give you any insight that might make you change and therefor intrude on her fantasy by making you the husband of her dreams. Would sort of kill the whole reason for the old affair, yanno.
As for working out, that might have been an excuse for her to see OM rather than an indicator that she really desires a more attractive spouse.
Still, working out could be good for you in lots of ways. It will get you into better shape of course, but will also help you to keep your emotions under control better. A good serious workout eats the adrenaline and helps you think from reality instead of from a fight or flight perspective.
It can also help improve your moods and assist in controlling the depression that plagues us so soon after D-day.
Be careful that you don't use the idea of backing off and giving her time as withdrawing from her. You do need to remain active in pursuing her, but avoid begging, pleading, whining and all the wimpy stuff that make you unattractive. Instead project strength, confidence and self assurance. Plan something recreational and invite her along. If she doesn't go, you do it anyway.
You don't need to leave her alone, just don't hound her constantly and try to discuss the affair every time you're together. Your goal right now needs to be winning her heart back from OM. Yeah, that sucks, I know. But you need to make her want to be with you at least as much and eventually more than she wants to be with him. That means she has to enjoy being with you and if every minute together is spent arguing, complaining and venting about the affair, she won't want to be on the same planet with you for long.
If the counselor really said she should be able to see OM if she wants to, I would fire him. Of course what might have been said was that there really isn't much anyone can do to stop her from seeing him if she really wants to. Waywards hear things as strangely as they say things most of the time.
The implication might have been that in order for her to get past this, it is she that has to decide to stop seeing him. And that is going to be a key to you remaining sane in all of this. You have to remember that you have no control over her at all. The only one you have control over is you.
So work on you...
Find those love busters and kill 'em dead.
Figure out those ENs and come up with a plan to meet them daily.
Identify those things in yourself that she might find unattractive or that you yourself wish were better and work on them. You can't change her, so change yourself in an effort to get her to want to change to be with you. Make yourself a better solution than OM.
Mark
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She said the counselor/doc said it was ok for her to see the OM if that's what she wanted. Good job nipping that one in the bud! Just so you know, the majority of marriage counselers know nothing about adultery, have no idea how a good marriage works and haven't the slightest idea how to save a marriage. They have the highest failure rate of any of the counseling disciplines @ 84%. You would get better results reading your daily horoscope! So, if some C tells you or your wife it is ok to for her maintain contact, fire him!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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"3.) This is the one I have the hardest trouble with, I need to work out badly, I'm a little overweight and I invited her to work out with me, to which I get a prompt, 'No'. I have tried to fill the OM's shoes in this respect, so far I haven't gotten anywhere. I will still continue to offer it though."
You need to fill her need to make yourself more attractive. If WW will not accept your offeer to work out, You better had gone out and ride that bike of yours.
You see, talk is cheap. Actions speak louder than words. You are telling your WW that you want to work out, that you are changed the new you.
You will not make any points with her unless she see's you actually following up your mouth and letting her actually see you changing.
Keep asking her to work out then go and work out. Ride that bike for one hour.
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Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 135
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Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 135 |
I will read the replies above, but she just came home, we're talking friendly, no problems, but I noticed she's packing clothes. I asked her why she's packing and she said she needs to move out for a couple days. Oh brother, great. Not that I mind, but where she's staying is right next door to OM's. I mean, what now? She's not moving tonight, is there anything I can say to keep her here? I can't work with her on anything if she's not here, not sure what to do now. She's not mad and leaving she said she just thinks some time away would work. I don't know what the heck. I told her whatever she needs, but how much can I work on her EN's if she's not here for me to do that? I'll read the replies above and see what I can answer in the meantime. Thank you. 35
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Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 135
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OP
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Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 135 |
"3.) This is the one I have the hardest trouble with, I need to work out badly, I'm a little overweight and I invited her to work out with me, to which I get a prompt, 'No'. I have tried to fill the OM's shoes in this respect, so far I haven't gotten anywhere. I will still continue to offer it though."
You need to fill her need to make yourself more attractive. If WW will not accept your offeer to work out, You better had gone out and ride that bike of yours.
You see, talk is cheap. Actions speak louder than words. You are telling your WW that you want to work out, that you are changed the new you.
You will not make any points with her unless she see's you actually following up your mouth and letting her actually see you changing.
Keep asking her to work out then go and work out. Ride that bike for one hour. Your right, what I will do is bring my workout clothes to work and start toning my body. I will need a better body regardless of her choice to go or stay. I need to work on this ASAP. This is a huge thing for me to do at this point, because exercise is important to her now.
D-Day 9/28/08 Married for 7 years
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
I asked her why she's packing and she said she needs to move out for a couple days. Oh brother, great. Not that I mind, but where she's staying is right next door to OM's. I mean, what now? She's not moving tonight, is there anything I can say to keep her here? I can't work with her on anything if she's not here, not sure what to do now.35 35, she is moving out so she can pursue her affair in peace. It wont help your marriage, but HARM it. What you should do is make sure she understands that you KNOW why she is leaving and don't let her pretend like it is anything else. I would let her know that she can't work on the marriage if she is not there and let her know how unhappy and devastated you are that she is moving out to pursue her adultery. <----use that word. I would also call her parents and let them know she is leaving to pursue her affair. Does she have access to your money? I would suggest you quickly and quietly move the money from any joint accounts before she plunders them. you don't want to finance her affair. Does she work and have a good income?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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