I've got a secret that I have been holding that I've never told anyone before and I need to get it off my chest and get some advice on how to handle my situation.

I was on this board a few years ago after finding out my wife had an affair. After that experience, Ive never really been able to get over it, although my wife has really pretty much done everything necessary for recovery. She admitted it on her own,(it was brief PA), she answered all my questions, has been completely transparent, and probably most importantly, has been truly remorseful. Yet it feels as if I can't let go of the betrayal. The pain is still great and even after a few years passing, I broke down crying the other night.

Now my problem is that I have become completely infatuated with a woman I work with. The thing about this, it is completely one-sided. She does not reciprocate any interest at all, and in fact I don't get to see her that much and rarely get to speak with her. She does not know how I feel. This is not a recent thing either, as I have been experiencing growing feelings for her over the past few years. It has taken quite awhile for me to recognize my feelings. I've always thought she was attractive, but thought initially it was just lust or a temporary thing. But it has not passed and it seems to be getting stronger.

Last week I found out she is engaged. When she told me I acted glad for her but deep down I was upset. I know how pathetic this is, believe me. I have worked with her for around 3-3.5 yrs but don't really know her well, so how can I have feelings like this for someone I don't know well? I think about her all the time. I fantasize about her almost every night as go to sleep. Like I said I got it bad right now. Its not that I want to have an affair with her, what scares me is that I can be having this strong of feelings for another woman besides my wife.

Once upon a time, I loved my wife with all my heart, she was everything, then she broke my heart and its never been the same. I know she loves me, but our relationship for me now is love and hate. One day I feel like I really love her and we can spend our lives together, the next day I can't stand her and I feel like I hate her and I'm not in love. Things have been stressful for us lately. We have had more fights in recent times something we rarely ever did (before everything happened) and it seems as if my love for her is steadily eroding. Things have been said which are hurtful and which I have a hard time letting go of. Of course there is much more to the story but this post is already long enough, so I think that covers the jist of it. Thanks for "listening"

I don't think anybody fully understands "chemistry" yet. It's a strange thing and I do believe it can strike you even when you love someone else. It's probably less likely to if you are at that stage of "in love" when you are very preoccupied with thoughts of the person you love - but in later stages of love I don't see why chemistry for someone else couldnt strike quite heavily.

I havent experienced feeling heavy chemistry/attraction for someone other than my fiance so I can't talk from personal experience here but I don't think it's right to "blame", as such, your wife for the feelings you are having.

In fact, you don't need to blame anybody.

What might be wise though, is that you make a really dedicated, conscious effort to think as little about this person as possible and to stay away from them physically, as it will only fuel your attraction and make it harder on yourself to stop obsessing about her.

I don't think its difficult at all to feel extreme attraction and chemistry for someone you hardly know. It's only when you get to know them in every way, including their flaws, that the obsession might be difficult to maintain! (And that's a good thing, because I don't think that extreme chemistry is healthy and there are many psychologists who believe that strong chemistry with a person is likely to read to pathology in the relationship - for reasons that I couldnt even begin to understand myself or try to explain here!)

Time to find a new job. NC with this co worker. The level of your feelings for her are inapropriate.

Zack, one of the biggest things, is for you NOT to ever tell this woman your feelings. Do not even hint at them. Many people mark the beginning of an affair, by when fond or flirtatious words were first spoken.
Also, you should never, ever say anything to this woman that you would not say in front of your spouse, her spouse, and your boss.
You may end up needing to leave your job, but for now, at the very least, take these extraordinary precautions.

Also, I'd be interested to hear Dr. Harley's advice for someone who is in a one-sided extramarital obsession such as this. He may advise even more strenuous precautions.

Hi Zack,

So you were here a few years ago because of the pain your wife caused you and the betrayal you suffered. Did you put Dr. Harley's principles into place after that? Did you read and work on His Needs Her Needs? How about the book Love Busters? Did you read about and put into practice the priciples of Radical Honesty and POJA? Have you put into practice the principle of the rule of Undivided Attention?

What have you been doing to protect your marriage?

Maybe you know all these things, but what I hear is you are not working on any of the above. Try the link below for a refresher.LINK

Tell your wife about your crush.
It will be sobering for both of you.

Don't you find it interesting that you chose the exact word


FANTASIZE

to discuss your thoughts about this woman?



Words have a very fascinating way of finding their way to the heart of the matter, Zack.

Your feelings for this woman are a fantasy - and your mind is fantasizing. You chose this exact word for a REASON. It was not a coincidence.


Your wife's affair was also a fantasy.

She is with you because she came to her senses. She came to her senses

too late.


You have the chance to do something on time. Talk to your wife about your thoughts. It will be quite interesting to you how rapidly that fantasy problem stops.


Reality has a way of snapping you out of fantasyland.


SB

First off, thanks to everyone who took the time to respond. I do sincerely appreciate your advice and perspectives.

tst;
During the early stage in our recovery we did attempt some of the exercises such as HNHN, and Radical Honesty. These are excellent resources and they aided us in our initial recovery. However as time went on we seemed to drift apart emotionally. I do need a plan for saving this marriage but not sure where to go from here. The thing is there are times I'm not even sure if I want to recover, as it seems too difficult and overwhelming.

Besides there are only so many things I can do alone and I'm not sure she would be willing to do what it takes.

What can I do when I feel like i'm not in love with my wife anymore? I really hoped this far into recovery and we would be much better off but it doesnt feel that way.

Hmmm...let's see....you love your wife but you're not in love with her....sounds familiar...

The only thing stopping you from being in love with your wife is you.

You are both the problem and the solution to this problem.

You just need to get off your butt and do it.

"Hmmm...let's see....you love your wife but you're not in love with her....sounds familiar..." yes I know the idea

"The only thing stopping you from being in love with your wife is you." I know I have a large part in this, but I don't think its all me.

"You are both the problem and the solution to this problem."
this is correct, but I can only do so much myself.

"You just need to get off your butt and do it. "
Roger that, but do what exactly? I don't know where to go from here

My wife has some emotional issues as well as alcohol issues, and realistically I'm not sure they can be resolved. Right now I'm feeling like I can't make her happy, and she is making me miserable. My favorite time is when shes asleep or at work so I can have peace and focus on my career/study.

Why are you here?

I recognize the logic of your statements and they make sense. The thing is my 2nd grandfather died recently after battling cancer for months. It has made me think about things. I watched him lie in bed at the end and I thought to myself that I don't want to end up there with regrets of things I wish I'd have done. I can see myself at 80 yrs old wishing I had told that beautiful young lady how I really felt all those years ago. Just so she knows how much of an impact she had on my life. How the first thought in my mind when I wake up in the morning is "Oh great she is going to be there today" or the disappointment I feel when I pull up to work and her car is not there. Alot of days I actually look foward to going in, just because I know she will be there, even if I only get to briefly see her.
Thanks for your reply

Oh... Mid-life crisis. I get it.

Knowing first hand how much pain FWW caused you and knowing first hand how an affair doesn't solve any problem and that is your answer?

Guess what? I just realized a couple of weeks ago that I'm never going to climb Mount Everest. I was devastated.

Okay you have really made me mad so you are going to get the three-legged dog theory.

A few years ago I became a little fascinated with three-legged dogs (TLD) because I lived in a place that had an unusually high number of them. I guess it was a unique combination of a large number of abandoned and street dogs and an infrastructure that was expanding at an exponential rate putting those dogs in very dangerous situations. The dogs weren’t born TLDs – they were born FLDs (four-legged dogs in case I lost you). They became TLDs at some point in their lives.

So how does this work? Dogs are meant to have four legs. They are born with four – grow up with four – and now one day one of them is suddenly gone. That has to be traumatic for a dog. I know it would be for me.

So what does a TLD do? They may lay there (or is it lie?) and stare at their missing appendage wondering how it happened and hoping maybe it will grow back and curious when it doesn’t.

Will the TLD beg God to give it a replacement leg? Will a TLD come to the conclusion that life is no longer worth living and crawl out in front of oncoming traffic to end what has now become a miserable and unacceptable life?

No.

Will the TLD just lay there filled with self-pity and rail against God for being so unfair and destroying its once happy life?

Not likely.

Sooner or later the TLD gets hungry or thirsty and, unless food magically comes to it, the TLD is going to have to get up off its butt and start walking. Problem is the TLD doesn’t know how to walk with three legs – it has never had to do it before. Everything the former FLD knew no longer applies. First there is the question of balance. The TLD can no longer use the old balance or it falls on its face. So balance has to shift to the good asset the dog has remaining. Then there is the gait. This has to be relearned in order for the TLD to go forward and find the food it needs. It can’t walk at the old pace. But that TLD will learn to walk. With time, it will eventually learn to run. But first it has to try to learn to walk.

For me the BS is like the TLD. No matter how much we would want it, the A will never magically disappear. What once was no longer is. We can lie (or is it lay?) around and stare at it. We can dwell on all the things we can no longer do. We can question God for having allowed this to happen.

Or we can get up off our butts and start walking. FWS will never ever again be S. No amount of denial can make that happen. Our FWS made that decision for us. Now it is up to us to decide how we go forward. FWS no longer has that power.

Your life will be what you make it. The fantasy could never turn out to be nearly as nice as you are dreaming it.

Zack,
You COULD feel that way about your wife if you spent that time thinking about her, and not about the other woman. You are correct that you cannot do everything by yourself, but I can guarantee you that you are not doing everything you should be doing while this other woman is in the picture. Your addiction to her saps you of the willpower and motivation to invest fully in your marriage, but you cannot see it as you are in the middle of the situation.

Part of becoming a mature adult is realizing that you can't have everything in the world. You choose things to invest in and ignore all the flights of fancy that pass like ships in the night. People who live according to their emotions lead flighty, irresponsible lives. If you want to recover your marriage, its time to man up and do the work. You cannot do everything alone, so set a timeline for yourself, such as 1 year. Then go ALL IN!

The first order of business is to end this emotional affair you are having in your head. Until you do that, you are simply paying lip service to marital recovery. If you can afford it, start counseling with the Harley's and develop a custom built plan to turn your marriage around. Lay out all the basic concepts, such as 15 hours of UA time, and then do everything you can do to put them into action. If your wife isn't on board, refocus your plan to try and get her involved. If at the end of the year (or however long you set), there is no change in your wife's attitude, then you can abandon ship knowing you did everything you could.

But, again, let this emotional affair go. She is engaged and you are married. If you profess your undying love and obsession for her, she is not going to run off into the sunset with you. That only happens in terrible, chick flicks. More likely, she will avoid you like the plague, maybe even inform HR.

Remember the immortal words of the great, Thomas Paine.

"What we obtain too cheaply, we esteem too lightly."

i.e. Nothing worth having, comes easy. If you want a great marriage, its time to go all in.

I heartily recommend a rectal cranial inversion.

When you are on your death-bed aged 80, you won't be pondering about your lost FANTASY, you will be pondering why you betrayed your wife in the vilest manner possible fully knowing the hurt and devastation it would cause you, her and everyone you love.

That my friend will be your reality.

Let's get back to your original post. You said something I think is worth considering.


You then stated

etc. etc.

Have you considered how very bizarre your infatuation with this woman is? You sound like a middle school kid with a crush on his teacher! And if you DO tell her how much of an "impact" she has had on your life, when she has never given you any reason to think that she is interested in you-AND she is ENGAGED-you will very quickly become "creepy obsessed guy at work" or worse.

People who are balanced in their mental health don't throw away their marriage over a one-sided infatuation with a completely unavailable person.

Let this poor woman enjoy planning her wedding without having to worry about being stalked by some guy from work who has developed some fantasy romance that really doesn't exist.

If you want to leave your wife, you can certainly come up with something that doesn't have the potential for destroying this young woman and her future, or having a restraining order issued on you.

Grow up!

I think "extraction" would be more appropriate.

wow great story piojitos and with a valid lesson about life. Thanks for sharing. Now about the midlife crisis thing, I'm not quite there yet (only 29), but I am certainly in some form of a crisis.

Knowing first hand how much pain FWW caused you and knowing first hand how an affair doesn't solve any problem and that is your answer? Not sure where your going here, its not my intent to have an affair. The thing about that is if say hypothetically speaking she was interested in having an affair with me, it would cause me to lose respect for her, as it would demonstrate a serious character flaw. Since loyalty is one of my highest needs that scenario would destroy my fantasy about her.

our life will be what you make it. The fantasy could never turn out to be nearly as nice as you are dreaming it. maybe but perhaps it could turn out to be even better, who knows in this ole world.

Thanks for the post. You make many great points. I think the thing I'm trying to express is that my feelings for her are a bit scary for me because I have never had feeling like this for a woman other than my wife. With all the turmoil in our R, having these feelings makes me wonder if I am really falling out of love with my wife.

Because I would never want to make this woman uncomfortable, I would never express my feelings to her, atleast as long as I still work there or if I was in a situation where I won't ever be seeing her again, possibly--it might take too much courage though.

Love the Thomas Paine quote BTW, he was a wise man!

bigkahuna,

I heartily recommend a rectal cranial inversion. Right on, I got one just last week.

When you are on your death-bed aged 80, you won't be pondering about your lost FANTASY, you will be pondering why you betrayed your wife in the vilest manner possible fully knowing the hurt and devastation it would cause you, her and everyone you love. I have no plans on betraying my wife, there is the possibility our marriage will not work out in the long run. My comment on looking back from my death bed was to reflect on the POTENTIAL, what could have been, coming to terms with the choices I made.and living with no regrets.