Blitz,

I am worried about YOU...

I would like to be able to separate that which is BS fog and that which is your natural character.

You appear to be very agreeable and decidedly amicable. I imagine you speaking in a controlled voice and bending over backwards trying not to offend.

Don't think that I disagree with the Scripture which says "the meek shall inherit the Earth" and "turn the other cheek". But when it comes to defending one's marriage, wife and kids, Mr Nice guy has GOT to take a vacation.

And please, please don't feed me another "you're right".

Mark and others have been extremely patient with you. While you are waiting for SAA to arrive DO read the articles at this site. Print them. Read them again.

Be firm. Do NOT engage in argument with a wayward. Stand your ground, then shut up.

The kind of thing that I would like to hear is "I have read xxx but need to understand why they say ...." or "have told my wife that she is worth fighting for..." or " I am on such and such fitness program"

A book that you may want to examine is "The Seven habits of Highly Effective People"-Covey. You are most certainly struggling. Change your habits.

You can.

Thanks for the reply Mark. I made an appointment 2 weeks ago, but the appointment is until 1 week from now. I will go regardless of what happens because I need just an hour of advice on my legal rights. I am not retaining a lawyer at this point.

Your rebuttals are just what I needed. That's exactly what I needed to know. That's perfect.

SAA is on order, I have a couple days to wait until it gets here. If it would've been in a bookstore, I would've had it a while back, but I had to order with a credit card and like I said, I had one but haven't used it since all this happened.

I want her to be my wife and you are right, I have to focus on that no matter what she says. She sees me flip flopping between agreeing with her no contest and contesting it. The other night when I asked her about this newest credit card, she got enraged over the phone, it was almost like she was on drugs, because she was in front of this group of friends. Once I could talk to her alone it was a little better. I will not be discussing this anymore with her, I know that it's just an LB. It causes her to have an angry outburst with me.

I do need a plan, you're right, no matter what she does, I have to have a plan and execute it and stick to it.

I think I identified her EN's in a previous post. I will have to re-review it again. I haven't spoke about EN's in a week so I've forgotten them .

Thank you again Mark.

Imagine,

You did read ME like a book. I am the nice guy and very rare to confrontation, so I'm not good with it. I do try to bend over backwards to help others, it's my weakness.
I have already bought the 7 habits of highly effective people, I guess it's time to start reading it. I bought it 1 week after D-Day. I will send Mr. Nice guy on a vacation for a while, I know that is my biggest weakness and so does WW. That is why I believe she is feeding me the 'let's be friends' line. The true WW came out last night the minute she disagreed with me. The friends thing is just a cover to get me to agree to a no contest divorce. I see thru it now.
She has already spoken of moving back in, in 2 weeks. She finishes school in that period. I'm not sure how good that is going to be for either of us, but I need to have my emotions in tact before that happens.
Out with the nice guy and in with the guy that stands his ground, regardless of what happens.
Good reply Imagine.

Princess, thank you for the reply. I'll check into doing that, the lawyer's visit is still another week away. Apparently they are pretty backed up right now.

Another question, since I'm reading one of Dr. Harley's articles, about an OM. I have talked to OM in the past, we had a 2 hour conversation. He thinks he is doing good by helping W thru this, but in reality, by being a 'friend' to her, he is really feeding her addiction and fog. Would I be wrong to contact OM and ask him what his true intentions are? I know that W would flip out if I contacted OM, but I know that if OM would agree to break the friendship, W would break her addiction. I can do this in a calm manner, I am not angry with OM as most might think, he was a mutual friend and said he considers me still a friend. He even told me I could still contact him. I saw in another post where a BS contacted an OM and was able to discuss this with him. I believe OM is the reason W wants a divorce with me. If I were to wait a couple of weeks until I can show more progress emotionally toward W, would this be feasible? I know that W does not want me to talk with OM, she has stated this multiple times. I am not concerned with what W thinks will help our marriage, since she obviously wants a divorce. Advice would be appreciated.
Thank you.

Sounds like you definitely need to talk to the OM then.

I don't know, I just need to stick to Plan A 110% at this point. I know Mark is right and I'll just sit and wait for SAA to arrive so I can get busy reading.

Thanks
Blitz

Today my wife wanted to know if I had contacted an attorney, to which I replied, no, I don't need one (that's not entirely true). She didn't take the news too well. She is having a hard time with me, just like everyone here said that she would, with me changing my mind. As Mark suggested, I formulated a plan and wrote it down. I will carry that plan with me and I have added a disclaimer to my plan that says that I will not change my mind from here forward for any person or group of people. I am married and I have no plans otherwise. She is taking that news really badly right now, but she wants to see my plan that I wrote down. I don't mind sharing it with her, and I'll be glad to copy it here, if you all want to see it.

My plan basically states that I am 100% committed to marriage and my wife contained in that marriage. I won't entertain any threats, demands, or coercians that deter my plan. I will pray to God and I will rely on family, friends, and the church to be my support. I will not remove my wedding ring from my hand again, except to sleep. I know that I cannot control my wife and she cannot control me. I won't offer any more ultimatums or demands, my wife has a free will just as I do.

Anyways, she told me early on that if I didn't agree to a no contested divorce, she takes that as a threat. I don't quite see how it's a threat if I am trying to work on my marriage, but I know this is just fog speak as you all put it. It's finally coming together for me, now I just have to stick to the Plan A. She did tell me that whoever I'm speaking to, that I need to stop because it makes me crazy. I believe she is the one who is losing her mind, not me. I know it may come across as me losing my mind because I have changed so many times. That's ok, I won't change again.


--Update: She told me that I have chosen to ruin us financially (fogspeak) and that I've made my decision to send her to bankruptcy (fogspeak). I know that I cannot reason with her, so I did not try. I just told her if she needed me, I was here for her as a husband, but not as a friend. She really didn't care she said she has been sick for the last 2 weeks since she left the house. She told me that I'm insane and need a psychiatrist and that she doesn't love and will never love me no matter what happens (more fogspeak). I will do nothing more than tend to my house, be there to try and meet her EN's, avoid the LB's, take care of my dogs, and pay the bills.

As long as your written "plan" doesn't reveal your source (MB) I don't see anything wrong with it. In fact, make it your mantra when she discusses divorce. Stick with Plan A until the time comes to go to B, if it does.

I think you DO need to ask OM face-to-face what his intentions are with YOUR wife. Just be calm and collected when you do it and don't get into it with him. I wouldn't tell him about MB either or what your "plan" is. It's none of his business. The only thing you need to hear from him is what HIS plans are.

You don't have to tell WW that you're doing it either, just do it.

Blitz, what you wrote in your last post was so familiar to me, too. My WH wants us to use mediation because its cheaper and I responded that I do not desire a divorce, so why would I go to a mediator to help me get one? Remember that that she does not have to do what you want (work on the marriage) but nor do you have to do what she wants (agree to a divorce).
Hang in there!
BF439

Hi Princess,

Thank you for replying. I haven't revealed MB to A N Y one at all. I was told early on that my time here needed to remain anonymous to all. No matter how hard anyone that knows me tries to get me to tell them where I'm getting counseling from, I won't reveal it. I have had a couple people try and get it out of me, to which I have politely refused.
I may speak to OM, but I want to make sure I do it when I'm ready, I don't want to just rush into it. I wouldn't tell WW that I was doing it, but I wouldn't hide it from her either. Isn't that what PORH is about?
She told me there's nothing I can do to keep her, and while that may be true, I can't stop her from doing anything that she wants to do. I know that I have some issues with control that I just need to let go. I am finally letting go of my control issues. I know I can control only MY emotions and MY feelings and not those of anyone else.
Oh and btw, my plan was written in my words only and wasn't copied from anyone, it comes straight from the heart and only mentions me as a husband, her as a wife, and God. Pray for us!

Blitz

going up!

Thank you for the post BF, I had to let my emotions go and that's why it took me so long to stand my ground. It's easy to go with her plan because it provides financial security for the both of us after she screwed up our finances. My plan (marriage) is hard and requires an uphill battle to fix our lives, her plan (easy way out) requires leaving the situation.
As 'imagine' said, I need to stop being the nice guy and be the guy who works on his marriage. If I'm a pushover, she'll see it and disrespect anything I say. I have to stand my ground and I won't move, for I have nothing to fear.
I know it's about to get really hard from here, but my friends, my family, and her family know where I stand and that I won't budge. I am doing the right thing for us.

Thank you

I did it today Imagine. I took your advice verbatim, I stood my ground, didn't argue and then walked away. Actually she walked away first, but I didn't argue, I just shut up

Keep your interactions brief and to the point. Better, in fact, if you were to walk away first.

Today I rec'd an email from WW. I won't post it here, but basically she told me there is nothing I can do to make her love me and by holding onto her I'm doing nothing but prolonging the inevitable and making it hard on both of us to move on with our lives. I was blamed for making our lives an emotional and financial hell (fogspeak). She stated she wants it over with and wants a resolution to it all.

My reply was very strongly written. I explained the following:
I first explained that I can only control my life and my wants and no one elses. What other people do in this world is up to them and their hearts. I further explained that I have made a decision for marriage and God and nothing less. If she wants to discuss marriage, then we can talk, if it's about divorce, I'll revert back to discussions of marriage (per Mark here on MB).

I further stated that I have made my plan and I will stick with it from here on out. I printed my plan up and will carry it with me wherever I go. This is my plan, others have theirs, but this is mine and I will stick to it from here to eternity. No one will be able to get me to change my plan with threats, coercions, or demands.
There was more to my reply, but the basic jist of it was Plan A and I told her that's what I will do until she comes back home and to our marriage to work on it. I did not get into heavy details. She just wanted to know what I was doing from here.

I hated to do it in email but she is so upset, she can't talk to me on the phone or in person. She knows what she partakes in is wrong, but it's up to her to choose the right path. I won't remind her of this, I'll simply be waiting for her to do the right thing. Whatever path she chooses is up to her now.

I've changed my mind on talking to OM. I have already spoken to OM a couple of weeks ago (which are starting to feel like months) and if he thinks he's doing the right thing, then another phone call won't change that. Sometimes men can't admit their mistakes, I can honestly tell you that from my heart, I had a hard time admitting I was wrong about a lot of things in life.

I hope I've done the right thing and before anyone asks, I never have and never will mention MB to anyone that I know. It will always be anonymous.

I would've probably walked away first, but that's ok. I can already see after she calls me, she is expecting me to call her back and beg and plead or try and make her feel better, but I won't do it.

Today after I started discussing marriage, when she spoke of divorce, she was probably waiting for me to call and change my mind again, but I didn't. She waited most of the day and I never called, and that's when she sent the email that I speak of above.

She is used to the Blitz that cares about how she feels and she is now having to adjust to the Blitz that will stand his ground and know that what he is doing is right for the marriage and not what feels good for the WW.

Good.

Now talk less about plans - and do.... consistently.

I will do just as you say. From here on out is all about consistency. I won't entertain any of her plans to change my plans. I've set my path for myself.
Thank you imagine