BF439,

I just re-read your "WH's last email" and it brought tears to my eyes. So many similar or even identical "catch-phrases" and sentiments expressed reminded me of what I was told by my xWW:

"I can't be happy staying with you"
"I know I failed you--I am so sorry"
"I can't force a feeling"
"You are a great person and I know you will recover"
"Emotions will follow actions--umm, sorry, I don't believe that"
"I don't want you to have false hope"
"I had already let you go a long time ago"
"I know this is not what you want but pray that you can find some peace"
"I am just too tired and broken and you are too"

There is nothing more maddening and hurtful than loving someone who is stubbornly wallowing in the fog. I am so sorry and my heart goes out to you.

'Forgive them, for they know not what they do'

Uugh, SDCWMan, I hadn't read some of his stuff for days, I can see how messed up it is with even a few more days of distance. Doesn't it just suck to have someone you love say things like this?!!!
I read other posts and see some of the same things that he has said to me and my heart goes out to all the BS's who hear these things. I posted yesterday my latest thought about why the "fog" hurts so much. I think part of it is that it takes what you had and rips it away, so you can't even take comfort in your memories. That is if, and if is important here, the fog is accurate. If it isn't then it takes away the logic behind the affair and end of M. Soooo... either your whole marriage has been a lie (based on WS's logic) or the affair is the reason for the messed up situation (ergo, it must end for M to have any chance to recover..) Arrgh!!! I think I just dipped too far into fog-thought and I think I hurt myself!

Hey, out there, I'm interested in the fog that BS's experience. We talk a lot about WS's fog, but what about the other half? I think I know what it looks like for me (i.e. its all my fault, I'm not pretty enough, etc) -- but what does it look like for others?
Bestfriend439

One more thought/question:
Does any WS have an A because they don't love their spouse? I struggle so much with my WH's reasoning that he did what he did because he doesn't really love me. And he is continuing path because he doesn't really love me.
I get the not meeting EN's and doing LB to set the stage, but FWS out there, did you not love your spouse ever?
BF439

I'm not a WS, but as BS, my WH told me (when I caught him with OW) that he didn't love me like he used to. Then, in a typed letter 3 weeks later, he told me "I don't love you anymore." In a conversation a couple months later, he said he's been unhappy for the last year or year and a half (but later said several months). I asked him if he ever loved me and he said, of course he DID (used to), but not anymore. Unfortunately, my WH has an alcohol problem, so that makes him even "foggier".

To me it seems that WS's simply distance themselves so much that they start believing they no longer love their S (or are no longer are in love with their S). They have to justify their bad behavior. I don't think it has anything to do with love though. In my case, my WH was unhappy with himself....so how can you love anyone else when you don't love yourself.

Bestfriend,

Yes, dealing with the WS fog is incredibly heart-breaking and so frustrating. It can crush your spirit if you let it and fail to understand it. I don't know if you are a religious or spiritual person, but...I imagine Jesus himself must have felt the effects of the "fog" as he was being betrayed, framed, maligned, (mis)-"tried", sentenced, abandoned, abused, tortured, and executed...all for no "crime" at all. As hard as it is for us BSs to grasp, we must realize that the WS fog is NOT logical or accurate and IS misleading and irrational.

Your M was NOT a sham or a lie
Your memories are NOT phony or unreal
You are NOT unworthy, responsible, or "not pretty enough"

The WS fog is NOT about "us"; it IS about "them". It is their fantasy flight of escape from dealing with REAL LIFE issues in a heathy and productive way. It is their defense mechanism to rationalize and justify why they "feel the way they feel" and are doing something that they would NEVER WANT DONE TO THEM.

You asked about the BS fog. Initially it is one of denial and disbelief when you fail to recognize or even conceive of the fact that your spouse could/would do what they are doing and break your trust by lying, concealing, and denying it to and from you. Later after discovery/disclosure, the BS can enter a new type of fog in reaction to the WS's vicious attempts to justify the A and scapegoat the BS for it. The BS falls into this element of fog when they allow themselves to believe or be convinced in any way that the WS's rationalizations and blame-shifting "may be accurate". Please don't allow yourself to go there.

Were you the "perfect wife" before? No
Did you have the perfect M before? No

Are you responsible for "causing" the A? NO!!!
Is the A a repudiation of you? NO!!!