Thought I would give an update. Still separated, about 3.5 weeks now. Last Monday, I told W that I couldn't talk to her anymore at work, that it was just too hard, to be her friend and discuss matters of D with her. So Monday and Tuesday, she kept calling me and trying to talk to me, but I managed to avoid her. By Friday, she said she understood why I couldn't be a friend to her right now. She almost jumps at the chance to talk to me now, but I keep the conversations minimal and to the point.

Today, Saturday, W came over and I thought it was just for her to get her mail, but she wanted to chat with me a bit. She made small talk and I sat across from her in the room. She told me how much she missed my friendship and cuddling together and holding each other, that's what she missed the most. She said how lonely she was last week and found herself crying at different times. I showed very little emotion and at one point she cried in front of me. She said she wasn't proud of the way things had gone. I told her I was doing great, and she could see that I've lost weight and that I've moved on with life and that I had been taking care of the house. I hinted that I had been talking to other people, but not dating or anything like that. Probably a huge mistake for me to even hint at it, but, a part of me wanted her to see that I'm not sitting at home doing nothing, that I'm trying hard to move on with or without her.

About the time we stopped talking, she wanted to give me a hug. In the past couple of weeks, she had tried to give me hugs when she was at the house and I gave her one in the past, but today, I just couldn't do it. I had prepared myself last night and told myself if she wanted a hug today, that I couldn't reciprocate. I can't continue to let her see emotions from me and I didn't get upset one time while she was crying today while talking. I am almost numb to any emotions she displays. I know she is hurting, she told me and I could see that she was. She still is planning for D and I try to talk about it as little as possible as well.

Don't know how well or not I did, but I've pretty much succumb to the idea that a D is inevitable. I will keep doing Plan A as much as possible, but my hopes are dwindling and I don't know if she's worth fighting for anymore. I wish I could say that our marriage was worth fighting for, but I would have to see something happen on her part that shows me that she doesn't want a D. As long as she keeps talking about D, then I'll just keep doing what I'm doing until we get to that point.

Thanks for all the help
Blitz

Do you want to get back or not?

Until D happens, it's still negotiable. Withholding affection is not Plan A. Plan B is all about withdrawal. So, what is your plan?

After 15 pages we're still asking this question...


Mark

I did some thinking this weekend after reading both posts and you all are right. I guess I was afraid of being a doormat, I let my insecurities get to me and I was wrong. Let me fix what I did wrong and I'll let you know how it goes.
Thank you.
Blitz

I just spoke with her and she said after me withdrawing for a week from speaking to her, she really, really missed my friendship and said she would do whatever it took to get me back as a friend. I stated to her that I would be her friend no matter what, from here on out. I asked though that she not speak of D at work and just save talk of that for the weekend. I think talking about D, is like her security blanket. I don't know how serious she is about filing for D. The only thing that's happened with it at this point, is just talk of it, but I take her seriously enough. In the meantime, I've changed my habits, starting heavily with when she moved out. She came by this weekend and the house was 99% spotless, something I had never done before. She actually made a comment about how clean the house was and things were very in order. I had put the Christmas Tree up 2 weeks ago and she again was shocked that I even knew where it was stored, let alone put it up and decorated it. I have still continued with my 'diet', although I don't like to use that work, because most diets are temporary and I want mine to be permanent.

It's weird to me to be a 'friend only' to my W. I will do it though because if there's a chance that we can work on M before D, then that's what I want. You are right, everything's negotiable. I will let you know how it goes.

She also spoke of possibly moving back in within another week or two, depending on how emotionally stable I was. I know that initially I was pretty much on an emotional roller coaster, but I think she is starting to see consistency from me and is pondering the thought of moving back in. I will continue this path of friendship and keeping my emotions in check.

Thanks again for all the help,
Blitz

I need to learn more patience, that's my major plan. I've always been rather impatient. You know my plan, I stated it back a couple of pages ago. I just need to stick to Plan A and not fall off course.

Be her friend, careful with the "no matter what". This exposes her to the opportunity of cake-eating.



This consistency is the key. Eventually, it will become a habit.

I'll be careful with that. I vow to consistency with friendship and boundaries.

Thank you
Blitz

W and I went to lunch today and it was nice. I am trying this friends thing again to see how it goes. Interestingly enough, W said that OM isn't someone she could see herself with long term. She actually brought this up, I did not. I didn't think discussions of OM would be good, but then she felt the need to let me know how she was feeling. She said that OM wasn't someone that had the traits she was looking for in a future partner, although at first she admitted she had an attraction to him, she said she doesn't anymore. Funny, she said this, because she doesn't seem near as foggy as she was. I know I should take a lot of this with a grain of salt, but I was blown away how much she wanted to tell me in just a lunchtime break.

She talked again about maybe moving back in, but didn't want there to be any expectations. I told her I wouldn't expect anything of her. She asked me if I had gone to the gym since last week and I have not signed up for a new gym. I'll be doing that on Saturday. I have still been on my diet and am still losing weight, just not as much as I was in the beginning, I'm starting to level off.

I realize that by her asking me this, there must still be some interest in me, otherwise I wouldn't figure she would even ask. I was just as friendly as I could be today, without looking desperate or acting downbeat. I actually enjoyed the lunch and remained positive.

She also said she wanted to make sure I was ok emotionally before she thought about moving back in. I completely understand this, based on my behavior for the first couple of weeks. For the last 1.5 weeks I have been emotionally stable in her eyes, so I will continue to be consistent with my actions and emotions toward her. I know that I have to show consistency or she will look elsewhere.

Please wish me luck and send some prayers my way.
Thank you.
Blitz

You need to go to gym at least twice a week. Read up on "training effect". Keep riding your bicycle.

This is your trainer speaking.



My initial impression of you in these post were of your being over-talkative. I hope that you listen more than talk. Have you heard of "active listening"?



My prayer is that you walk close to God. As you do draw closer that He will be your example as a husband.

I wish you no luck.

Everything is already in the providence of God. He promises "...that in all things God works for the good of those that love him, who have been called according to his purpose" Rom 8:28

Luck is NOT an option. God Bless!

I am still working out, still losing weight, and loving it,but I'm going to move to Plan D at this point in time. I appreciate all of the help I've gotten here.
I'll continue to post and participate in this forum because I've learned so much and still desire to learn more. Thank you to all that have helped me in my journey and I owe you all so much.
I'll still update from time to time on how things progress, but I feel a lot better today than I did 2 months ago, because of this forum. You all gave me the will and desire to start a new me. Thank you all so much.

Blitz

I'm battling here: She wants to get back. You want to get back???

But you are going to divorce.... am I missing something?

No, she has never said anything about getting back, not once in 2 months. A couple of times she talked as if she is still interested but when I ask her about it, she tells me that she still wants a divorce. Go figure.

Why are you asking about divorce? You have forced her to justify her own actions. "Let sleeping dogs lie" is the applicable expression here.

I remind you again of the motto here "I talk marriage, my lawyer talks divorce..."

Now get back in there....

Realistically, though, she moved out, she's trying to move on with the process. What can I do to slow the process? She's trying to do an uncontested divorce and if I don't agree, then she said she's going to get a lawyer and file. So in trying to save cost, I am going along with the process.

You are saying, just don't talk about it at all and don't help her to facilitate anything, correct?

If it was anyone else, it would be easy, but being that it's my W, it is just harder than anything I've ever done. Not that I'm not up for a good uphill battle, but it just seems I'm losing before I start.

Her mother and sister are pleading with her to come home, but that's falling on deaf ears. I have to see her everyday at work, but I don't talk with her, it was just getting to the point where she wouldn't stop hounding me about D. She wanted to be friends, but all I would ever hear about is OM and what they did together. Just got sick of hearing about him all the time.

Today, we're getting an appraisal on the house, but after that, I'm not doing anything else in the process or paying for it.

I guess like you said, keep words scarce and keep to myself. Guess it would be hard for her to do much if I'm not paying for it, since she doesn't have the funds.

Correct.

A method of slowing this divorce is to file yourself first. This way you can control D process.


YOU set the boundaries. For instance: Talk of D or OM results in your taking a walk elsewhere.



Nope, I did not say keep to yourself. How on earth would you get opportunity to Plan A her?

Good point, hard to Plan A when she's not around. Like I said, it's not that I don't want to Plan A, I stopped talking with her as much because she was using the friendship against me and using it as opportune times at work to try and talk me out of assets. I am still friendly to her, just not quite as friendly as I was. I see her at work daily, so it's kinda hard to avoid her all together.

I was starting to move forward at one point with the D and at a couple points I felt like she was stalling me, instead of the other way around. I think she's sometimes as shifty as I am. She never admits that she is, but she sometimes says one thing and does another.

She swears now she wished she had never told me of an 'attraction' to OM, because she says she left the M over the small things that I did to annoy her rather than because of him. She has said this several times and I'm not sure whether to believe her or not. She has stated it was only an attraction. She doesn't seem to be quite as aggressive and mean as she once was. She said she no longer experiences an attraction toward him, however, I know they still exercise, so again, I really don't know.

I am still continuing the diet and workout, and I got a new haircut that I really like and people can see the changes physically and are starting to comment. It's very re-assuring.

She still continues to talk to me like a best friend whenever I'm around, almost as if our marriage is great. I personally feel like she might be headed for a breakdown one of these days because of her sudden personality change. Does that happen sometimes when people come out of the fog?
Thank you,
Blitz

She may be acting nice in order(1) to get you to cooperate (2) to appease guilt (3) let you down gracefully (4) she may actually just need your company.

How does her personality change?

At first she was doing the friends thing to get me to agree to certain terms of the D. I called her on this in an email and she had no reply. She neither confirmed nor denied it. She has a lot to lose because she was dishonest with the finances for the last year. I trusted her and she was opening credit cards that I wasn't aware of. Then, she wanted to go to school and I asked if we could afford it and she said, sure no problem. So not only were we in debt, but then she drained our savings account to pay for school. We should've been using that money for the debt we had accrued. She said she fell out of love with me 9 months ago, so if that was the case, then why put yourself thru school, when you had no plans to stay in the marriage?

The guilt thing, I've seen a lot of it in the last month. When I told her I didn't want to be friends, she kept asking me over and over why I hated her. I told her from the start that I didn't hate her, I just needed the space, so that I could remain emotionally strong. Yesterday she told me she wanted to go by and talk to my mom. I told her that I didn't think it was a good idea, but she was welcomed to do that if she wanted. She immediately said, 'I knew your mom hated me'. My mom does not hate her, but again, I think she has a complete guilty complex about the whole thing.

It's possible she may need my company, and it's not that I don't want to give it to her, I just feel betrayed. I have no trust in her after the way things had happened. I would've been a much better off person, had she just come to me in the beginning and told me she didn't love me anymore and wanted out. I could've respected her decision, because it would've been honest. The way things have unfolded with OM and the finances have been nothing but dishonest. Could I learn to forgive and move on? Sure, but with lots of time and patience.

She told me she didn't think we were compatible. I would agree if we hadn't been together 12 years. I don't think someone makes that decision after that many years on their own. That's why I've always had a suspicion that there's more going on and I wished now I had done more snooping instead of just losing it emotionally in the beginning. I've been the only man she dated, then married, since we met at a much younger age.

Thank you,
Blitz

It's just as I continue to get my body in shape and continue to eat better, that I build even more confidence in myself. I know I'm a nice guy and there are a lot of possibilities out there. I don't have any kids and I do want a couple. As time goes by, I realize, how it's possible and probably not to hard to find another woman to share life with and escape all this crap with her. I am feeling myself not being attracted to her emotionally anymore. She looks great physically, but as I look deeper inside, I see a confused person with her. She knows financially, life is going to be hard on her and she has made bad decisions for us financially. I am willing to take that loss and move on. I don't know that I can get past the dishonesty that has been presented to me in the last year in regards to our finances. How do you possibly rebuild the trust? How do you keep trying when only one of us is trying? Maybe I'm confused here, but I'm just growing tired of the drama with her.

I'll keep trying to continue plan A until into D. I'm not trying to hold her back from D, I've tried several times and found it leads to anger on her part and frustration on mine. It's possible that down the road things might be different, all I can do is keep going with my self improvement. Thankfully I found MB and have been able to stay positive for the most part, throughout the process.

Blitz