Mike and TC --

I wasn't suggesting living in a constant state of anger....but geeez...if I were his wife I would wonder why he shows no passion. And he can calmly discuss her escapades. And her FEAR is OMW finding out....not her own husband.

OMW must be badass....

No consequences = no reason to change.

And this would happen.....why?

OMW is in serious denial, she told me to leave her and her H alone after I sent her the most recent emails. She may be doing something about the A, but i doubt it. If she was, she would want as much evidence as she can. And I have hundreds of pages of emails if she wants them, but she doesn't.

TC, I don't think OMW needs proof. D-day 1 she forced him to change his job away from your W, right? And the email may not have been blatant but it was close enough for an affair that had already been busted. I'll bet OM has some welts on his but today.

You haven't heard anything thru WW about impact of exposing to the OMW?

it looks like whatever job change took place, it was in title only. Seems to me that OM probably did it on his own to make OMW feel better and so WW could tell me he moved jobs.

I think OM has made me out to be a crazy jealous H to OMW. I asked her about what he told her the day I found them at lunch. She said he told her that they having lunch to discuss how they need to put the past behind them so they could continue at work in a professional manner. I told her it was a lie, but she said he believed her H.






no. when i ask her about it, she tell me she doesn't know because she hasn't talked to OM since it happened.

What is your WW's reaction to the whole situation? Did she apologize? Did she express any desire to work on your marriage? Did you say anything about another job? If so, what was her reaction? All I gather is that she tried to deny at first and then had nothing to say once you presented her with your facts. Is that all that happened? Are things pleasant between you? Do you have any plans this weekend? What's going on?

Well, from the story below he gave her after the lunch, she knew there would have to be continued contact...


When you are backing it up with PROOF that is not a bad thing.


Seriously, think about it, what else could he say?

My W said they met one more time for "closure". (insert that barfing emoticon here)


Good! For all you know, OM could be in the local IC from his W :-)

i could only hope.

I am sure they have talked at work about what happened and that she is just lying to me. Whenever I confront her about something, she sticks to her lie until I put the proof in front of her face. So when she tells me that they haven't talked, there is nothing I can do or say.

She did appolgize and gave the excuse that it is hard to end all contact because they were good 'friends', and she didn't tell me they were still talking because she didn't want to hurt me. (fog babble) She did give me a big hug the following morning and said that she didn't want to lose me and that she now realizes that she cannot even contact him as friends.




i did not bring up another job. I've done that in the past and her answer was a flat out 'no'.



Her general reaction to the situation was to act like she is depressed. She says everything is her fault and that she has F---ed up everything. She says that I have done nothing wrong and that the problem is with her, even the problems before the A. Most of the time that night she just sat in the couch with blank stare on her face with a tears in the corners of her eyes. When I ask her what the is thinking she said "nothing." than after a little prodding she said a million things were going though her head. she mentioned multiple times that she was wanted to go back to high school or college with like was a lot simpler. She said that she loves me but is afraid that we can't repair the damage. When I asked about when she started to feel that our relationship wasn't right, she said a year ago. When I asked why she still went through with the wedding she said she just thought the problem was with her, and that she just thought she had an unrealistic view of what a relationship/marriage should be like. she said that she stopped feeling excited about me a few years ago, and that even if we can repair the damage, is it even worth it if she doesn't feel excited about me.

Sorry, i am rambling.

She also mentioned several time that I should just "kill her now."




things are pleasant, but I am trying my hardest to make sure I am still acting in a way that lets he know I am still really pissed. We are putting up our tree tonight. I little late, I know, we actually bought it last weekend, but she has fallen asleep in the couch right after dinner every night this week, so we haven't done anything with it.

We are also going to read through some of the MB material tonight. I printed out the basic concepts and told I wanted to know what she thinks and gave them to her last night. this morning she mentioned that we could start reading them tonight.

One thing I am struggling with is how to resist her advances for SF. I know she is going to try and use it to try and cheer me up since she really hates it when I am acting mad at her or mopey in anyway. But, after reading about what happened last week in the emails, I don't want to have anything to do with SF with her right now. She will be really surprised when i turn her down, and will probably get pissed, since I can't ever think of a time that has ever happened in our relationship before.

Tell her that you would love to make love to her again, but only after an STD test. You will set it up for her if she wants. If she insists they never slept together, then tell her you'll schedule the polygraph for her if she doesn't want the STD test.

It seems to me that you WW is wanting to working on your M, but that she is too addicted to OM to stop. You can tell from the emails that he is the one pursuing her and manipulating her. Things like, "you need to make sure you delete the emails so I don't get caught." That just screams that he's done this before and he is looking for opportunities to fool around on his wife. Her depression is not a sign of someone who is completely in fantasyland over the guy, and I'm sure she feels quite a bit of guilt. She just can't stop herself. She may try to end contact w/ OM, but he just keeps smoothtalking his way back.

I think OM is the key to improving your M. If he decides that he can no longer get away with fooling around with your WW behind his wife's back, he may give up. Also, if he left his work, I think you would see a drastic improvement in your relationship after a few months. You just got to get this guy out of contact with your WW. I might confront OM in your situation, and tell him that you'll be watching him and let his W, her family, his family, and their employer know if he tries anything again. You have already been able to bust them twice. You might need to do a wild male animal stare down for a female, and get him to run away if he finds you to be the more dominant male.

Jeez, the last two posts could be EXACTLY my situation. It is like what my W said to a t. Amazing. And as Jim said, after a few months of NC it is getting better.

The STD test vs. SF is a real debate. I split the baby, had protected sex but made her get an STD test.

She was humiliated, i can tell you, but the SF was also healing. If SF is a need for her, you don't want to force her back to OM for it.

WW received an email this morning from a co-worker telling everyone that OM's mother unexpectedly passed away over the weekend and he will be out the entire week.

While I feel a bad for him and his family, I can't stop wondering how this is going to affect the A. I am afraid WW will feel the need to reach out to her "friend" and comfort him in some way. But maybe, this will help him put his life in perspective. He did call WW on Thursday to tell her not to email him again, so it appears that he is starting to feel that this A is more trouble than it is worth.

Am I a horrible person for wondering and hoping that OM's unfortunate loss, might some how help end the A?

C'mon. There are two issues here.

Deal with the interloper as the number one issue. What has his mom death got to do with your sitch. Reality check: This orphan is trying to kill your marriage.

No, OM's family does not concern you. You just worry about your own. Unless you killed OM's mother to get him to back off (which you didn't), you've got nothing to feel sorry for.

WW sent an email to OM about the death of his mother.


not sure how to handle this. getting upset with WW will just make me look insensitive. WW knows I can read her emails, and she made no attempt to delete this email after she sent it, so this is the first time she has contacted him and not tried to hide it from me. We have had a discussion about how OM is not a 'friend' no matter how much it feels that way to WW. She says she agrees that he isn't a friend, but I can tell she doesn't really believe it.

Yes.



:-)

Contacting the man she screwed at work looks insensitive to you. Don't get all fire and brimstone angry, but tell her in a firm, calm manner you know she contacted OM, and you will not tolerate it regardless of the situation. If she would like to express concern to anyone, it should be you for screwing around on you.

she called me and told me that OM's mother passed away over the weekend, and admitted that she sent him a short email saying that he was in her thoughts. She said it was the polite thing to do, and it would be weird if he didn't hear anything from her about his mother's death.

I tried to explain that hearing from her only adds to his problems since he did ask her not to email him anymore last Thursday. It seems she still hasn't realized that they were not friends, and cannot be friends in the future.

How long was the time between her last contact with the OM and the latest email to OM concerning OMM's death?

to review:

I confronted WW and exposed to OMW on Wednesday night. OM called WW at work on Thursday to tell her that I exposed to OMW, which WW already knew about, and to tell WW not to email him anymore.

No contact that I am aware of until this morning, when a mutual co-worker sent out an email saying the OM's mother had passed away unexpectedly over the weekend and that he would be out of work the entire week.

WW the sent the short email to OM saying she was sorry and that he was in her thoughts.

so, no contact from thursday until this morning.