HF, I've been following along for some time, wishing you well. Here's a link to AmIOk's thread from that time. Her family went through something unfortunately very similar, and she was getting coaching from Steve and advice from a lot of the vets. I hope it helps. You're not alone. Better days are ahead. You can do this!

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1744922&fpart=33

Two things for you, HF:



First, you're a guy. She's not. You're not necessarily going to understand. Maybe this will help...think football. You're second string. Same rationale.




My oldest biological grandson is in the ER right now, having attempted, with a large stick, to break up a dog fight. :RollieEyes: He has several injuries--which would never, EVER get well if, every time they scabbed over, we brought the dog back to bite him again. This is what your wife's repeated behaviors are doing to you. You will not even BEGIN to get past it until it stops happening to you, over and over, every single day. Don't waste any time wondering when it will stop hurting until it stops getting re-injured.

tl

Did you document this and give it to your attorney? It will probably come up in the custody hearing. Now you need to document as much as you can to help you with getting your children.

Yes, I documented it. I have been documenting everything she does and says each day of the week since early November.

I get all of that. I just can not see how someone can pretend to act like they love you and then know what they are doing on the side. Ihave never heard my wife ever tell me that she did not love me, and she normally tells me first. I do think that right now she is able to do what she wants when she wants without consequences and no responsibility. I believe that when she is served she may have a big wake up call that she will not be able to do that.

HF,
An affair like your WW's is an exercise in cognitive dissonance. You cannot reconcile the two behavior sets without suspending rationality. So stop look for an answer that makes sense, because you won't find one rooted in anything but her own selfishness and entitlement.

As far as custody goes, can't you try to get temporary sole custody based on the night she drove drunk with the kids in the car? I thought you said that happened. I think instead of you moving out, you would be much better off having her move out while you stay with the kids in your home, if thats possible.

It is a possibility, but I am going on my lawyers advice for the moment. If I move out and do not sell the house she will not be able to afford all of the bills and house payment. So in my lawyers opinion he beleives that later we will be able to say that she is not capable of providing for the kids If she contests selling the house. I do not have enough to file for adultery so I am filing on how she is treating me. If she contests anything then I will be able to file on the basis of ireconcilable differences. So right now I am going for joint and the house to be sold so my credit does not get ruined by her seeing as how everything is in my name. Can someone tell me why she held on to me last friday night like she never wanted to let me go after I called the OM, and she just sent me a hallmark ecard telling me how much she was thinking about me and loved me. what the he77.

I believe this is what they call "gaslighting." She behaves in ways and tells you things that make you doubt your own eyes and ears. I think she probably has a plan in place and is trying to "keep the peace" until she's ready to act.

Little does she know what's in store....

What do you think her plan may be? You knwo even when we go somewhere together she holds my hand while I am driving. Is everything that she is doing gaslighting or could it be genuine? It really does not matter and you are right little does she know what is right around the corner. If I only could be a fly on the wall when the server shows up at her office.

I do not think you should move out and leave the kids with her.

She doesn't even take care of the kids now. Do you think when you leave she is all of a sudden going to start cooking dinner, washing, cleaning and taking care of the kids?

Please don't move out and leave the kids with her. Please don't do this to them. You are the stable one. They need you to be with them through this turmoil/chaos.


Because the aliens abducted her and sent an alien back in her place. Actually it sounds like she has always been an alien.

Trying to figure out alien behaviour is a lot like rocking in a rocking chair, you can spend a lot of time doing it but you never get anywhere.

It's pointless.

She is happy when the OM is paying a lot of attention to her and sullen when he isn't. This is what determines her moods. The love notes are because she needs you to continue to do what you do. Aliens don't like anyone to leave them.

That is why I think that she will come with the I am sorry's after she is served. She will be loosing everything that I do for her. cooking, cleaning, paying bills, taking care of the kids, the yard, everything in the house.

I'm not so sure this is gaslighting. It literally sounds like his wife does not understand why she can't have both men. Or maybe she is like some other WWs in that the feelings generated by her affair manifest also in happiness dealing with her husband. Not all WWs have a "one or the other" mentality. Most do, I think, but not all.

Sorta like everything's going "wunnerful" in affairland so it spills over to her real life with H? She can treat H nice because she's happy? That sounds like one sick puppy.

If she's not as evil and conniving as I suspect (I really hope I'm wrong), then being served may shock her into some reality.

No kidding

At least the power paradigm has shifted to the BS. Thats a first good step.

Welcome back hog

hf, have you read HNHN? The most important part of the book, IMO, is that Harley says that the WS hooks up with the AP to meet certain needs that the BS isn't meeting. When that happens, the WS now gets ENs 1, 2 and 3 met by BS, and ENs 4, 5, and 6 met by AP. In other words, she IS in love with both of you, because BOTH of you meet certain of her ENs. When she thinks of you, she sees DS, etc. When she thinks of OM, she sees SF, whatever else. As harsh as that sounds, psychologically that's what happens. That's why they can't make up their minds. They get different needs met by different people. Thus, both are capable of providing her love. Of course, that glosses over the fact that she's turned into a narcissistic selfish witch interested only in making herself happy. But that explains the notes and all. She wants to keep getting those needs met that you give her.

Maybe you need to decide if you want to keep providing those.

Update:

I guess Christmas went as good for me as can be expected. I did make sure that the kids had a great Christmas. I am not so sure that the power has shifted my way though. I did not mention anything to my ww about filing, and that was tough because there was a small arguement the night of 12/23. On Christmas eve I was bringing in the girls Santa gifts, and when I returned into the living room of the house all of the lights were off, and there were candles lit everywhere. My ww had a blanket laid out on the floor and champagne out and she was in a lingerie. That has been a normal tradition for us for 14 years. That was hard to pass up. I drank the champagne with her, bu there was no sexual encounter. Luckily my oldest daughter had gotten up and it startled my ww. My ww later asked me what was wrong and she was wondering why we did not do what we usually do. I looked at her and told her that her A was what was wrong, and the usual response "we are jsut friends". That is when I told her that she had brought someone else into our relationship for the second time and it was coming between us. She looked at me and said that I was letting OM come between us. That is when I new that the decision that I made to file was the right thing for ME. The rest of the weekend went kind of like usual. The I love you's, baby this, baby that, and even a message when I got to work this morning. as for her being served shocking her, I am not sure if it will. Some days it seems like she is trying to drive me away, and she has done a good job of it this time. I stayed as distant as I could all weekend.

What are those needs. Me taking care of everything, doing the laundry, cooking, cleaning, taking care of the kids? No thanks I am tired of doing it all while she does her thing. I am no longer going to be her cake, doormat, or soft place to land when and if her A ever ends. I am done.

I think that was a perfect time for a "Truth Dart" about what you know.

I would have told her that if she truly loved you she would let a "Friendship" harm the marriage.

I thought it was as well. I had been telling her nothing when she would ask what was wrong. Even though I brought up her A it did not seem to matter, and the next day she was back to acting like there is nothing wrong. It is the same old response "we are just friends". What really is confusing to me is all weekend I was really quit. She seemed to be loving. A lot of questions like when are we going to do this, or what are we going to do about that. The whole time I was thinking there is really no we. Everytime that she say soemthing like that I want so bad to say let OM do i. I suspect that she would never think that I would file, and I also suspect that it will hit her like a ton of bricks. Maybe a reality check or maybe not.

I did tell her that she had let someone come between us, but her reply was I was the one that let OM come between us. what the he77?