We will be married 10 years in Jan. I loved him unconditionally , thought he was my soulmate. We had problems and stressors just like everyone else, but nothing so bad I ever considered divorce. We have three young children. In Sept he decided to take a job across the country because he was unhappy with his job here. I loved him and wanted to be happy so I agreed to stay here on the east coast and let him move 700 miles away to start his new amazing job. He moved in with his single bachelor roomate from college who screws everything in site (I didn't know this until after my husband moved in with him). I am a moron I guess because I trusted him and believed he loved me and his family more then anything- he would never do anything to jeopardize our family or marriage.
Well fast forward three months, I have been staying in another state with his three small children holding down the fort, trying to sell our house- he is partying and living the single life. There was a bad night I couldn't get in touch with him, got scared and decided to put my foot down. I asked him to move out of the bachelor pad and move in with his mom. He said no and that he was tired of having someone to answer to and we got into a huge fight. I thought it was normal and it will blow over until the next day when my world ended.
He called me from across the country and told me he didn't love me anymore, he hadn't loved me in years and everytime he told me he loved me he was lying through his teeth. \:\( I asked him if this was a joke because a few days earlier he sent me an ecard saying he was going to get me out of this sucky situation and that I meant more to him then anything in the world. I still had texts that said he loved me and missed me on my phone. He said they were all lies- the texts, the emails, the words. We had an amazing sex life s. And he just told me the last 10 years of my life were a lie. I could not wrap my head around it. We had a loving family and we were best friends- I thought.

I have heard from him so many different excuses as to why our marriage has to end. It varied form I haven't loved you from 2- 10 years to I didn't love you on our weedding day- to I loved you but I didn't like the way you treated me an I held it in and now I resent and hate you- to I don't hate you I can't stand you to I just don't want to be with you. I am so confused my head is spinning. I just want my family back but I don't think that is going to happen. I don't want to be a single mother- but if that is my lot in life I will accept it. It has only been 1 1/2 months- but I am trying my best to move on.
I did all the begging, pleading telling him I loved him crying, I have done the fighting arguing telling him how wrong he is. He has said he would go to counseling but he doesn't think it will make him love me. So now, after finding this website- I think I need to 'go dark.'
Is this what you would reccommend? I have been devouring anything that will help me fix my marriage or learn how to move on. I am trying to be strong for my kids- I feel so bad for them. They miss thier dad so much. I have spent hours on this website reading your stories. Thank you to all that post in hopes of helping others with your stories.

I am so glad I found this site. Thank you for listeneing.
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Welcome to marriagebuilders. Glad you found us. It sounds like your hubby may be having an affair. He is has all the signs.

You need to protect yourself financially until you find out what is happening.

Welcome! I think believer is spot on...all signs point to an affair.

Cover your behind and try to do some snooping if at all possible? Check cell phone records, e-mails, texts, facebook, etc. Find out what's going on.

Read, read, read and read more here. I've only been here for 10 days and I don't know what I would do without this place!

Remain calm, cool and collected. If he is having an affair you crying and begging will not help the situation. Read up on love busters.

And above all dig around and see what you can find. Be prepared for the worst...finding out he IS having an affair. It sucks, but at lease you will know the truth behind his crazy talk.

I almost cried thinking of the hurt in your childrens life. I have 3 as well. So sorry you are in this situation.

First of all why wasn't there a plan for you and your children, his family, to join him in his new location?? Is that still possible?

It is very worrisome that he has abandoned his children, not to mention his wife.

If there is a plan for you to join him in the new state get on with it asap. If there is no plan and he is showing no signs of remorse I would be filing for full custody immediately and child support etc. Leave the divorce filing for later. Get custody on grounds of abandonment and protect your financial income and home.

I agree 100% there is probably an A going on, if not ONSs. Because of that he has fallen into the fog. Wayward spouses make no sense, they rewrite history, they say things that have no basis in reality. Ignore those words as much as possible.

When you do talk to him be sure to avoid all love busting such as angry outbursts, being disrespectful etc, even though he might deserve it for sure.

Keep the children in his life by sending him pictures, BIG pictures, take them to Kinkos and blow them up huge and mail them in a a tube. Make his new bachelor pad full of the images of you, him, and his children. Reminders for him, warnings for women, and revenge on his crappy roommate! destroy the bachelor pad.

We were supposed to move with him at the end of Nov. He knew how hard it was being alone in another state with three small children. Two days before the bomb- he sent me an ecard saying that he loved me more then anything in the world and he was going to get me out of this sucky situation soon. So you can imagine my mental anguish and confusion a few days later when he told me the last ten years of my life were a lie and he never loved me. ;( A dear friend took me to a lawyer the next week. We have filed for temporary support and maintenence. He was furious. I think he thought I wouldn't be strong enough to do something like that. I think he thought he would live a party life and send me an allowance. He was right I wasn't strong enough after what he did to me but my friends were. I am so glad I did that because until the child support comes in- I am living off of whatever he feels like giving me and he is a liar. He has told me we didn't have any money- but I got a bank statement when this first started- casinos, bars, resturants. I was furious. I dont think there is anything left to save- and that is devastating to me and my children. I have tried and pleaded and begged- all of things I didn't know I was supposed to do. I think I have been in shock for a while. Today is my first day of non contact and I am soooo over the moon proud of myself- it was not easy- no text, email or calls. I am trying to move on and just focus on my kids. I cannot control him and I do not want him the way he is right now anyway- he is not the person I loved for 12 years.
I have read: love must be tough, divorce remedy and I don't love you anymore. I have been reading this website, the divorce busters website, and runawayhusabnds.com. I have joined a divorce support group, started taking Zoloft and have been working out like crazy to try and clear my head.
Thank you for the good advice. It is nice of you. This is not what I want. I can be destroyed or I can move on with my children. I am trying my best to move on.

I wouldn't uproot your children and yourself to join WH. Stay where you have support from friends and family. Your friends have already shown you, you can count on them when you are weary. He lives close to his mother? Have you spoken with your MIL about your situation?

I am staying put. His mom lives an hour away from where he is now. Her take on it is 'He doesn't love you anymore so I don't see what good counseling is going to do.' SO I don't talk to her anymore. I don't have any family. But I do have really great friends. He is basically back home where we are from. I am 700 miles away.

This is not a joke. Have you done this yet??

My husband and I just read ur post and we both have a little advice for you. If you don't want your marriage back, then continue with the divorce and do what you need to do. However, if you still love him and want him back our advice is as follows - go no contact completely. Just as you mentioned, no calls, texts, emails, nothing. If he makes contact be cool, calm, brief, to the point and end the contact without any PERSONAL talk. Continue with your life, be around friends, and your support system and make him do the work. Make him wonder. Because he will, trust us!

Sounds like he is "sewing his wild oats" and this will get old real quick once he realizes your not waiting on the backburner for him. From your post we think he loves you, but his new found freedom distracted him from his family and children, but curiousity and wonder will get the best of him.

Goodluck!

Thank goodness for friends! You did the right thing by going to get support. Have you started a checking account for yourself only? Also, be sure to check out his bank statements if you can and see what he is doing. It certainly sounds as though he is having an affair. I'm very sorry that you have to be here...

Good for you for working out and getting on AD's! Just continue to do things to get your mind off of this situation. Do you have any way of finding out if he is having an A?

God I hope you are right. I would do anything to have my family back. Today is the 4th day of NC. I did have to text him yesterday about money for my daughters birthday. I hope that didn't mess anything up. It was just one text and just business. I feel so much more emotionally healthy and in control not talking to him- because hes just cruel to me when I talk to him. I love him more then anything. Thank you for all of the support. It helps so much. God Bless you

Well, 4 days of No contact. He texted and said he cannot stand being away from his kids anymore and he will do whatever he has to to work on our marriage. This is a total change. I don't know if this is what I was supposed to do but I sent him a reply that said he would have to go to counseling and work on himself and figure out why he is unhappy and cant love me and make a sincere change before we could go to counseling together. I then told him it would be a hard road and a lot of work to be a family again- but it was a decision he would have to make himself. I plan on going back into NC again. I think you guys are right- it works miracles. Thank you and I am open to any criticism or advice as to how I handled it. I know I will make mistakes. I am trying to do my best with this. I don't want to mess it up.

Perfect!! you seem to be doing it right. yup, keep him working his way back to you, keep with business only until you seem assured that its a done deal, maybe on his hands and knees at the front door begging for your forgiveness.
Once he realized that you weren't crying and waiting he may have freaked.
keep us posted.

SO the latest is he doesn't 'like' me and never has. I said, 'You never liked me?' and he said well maybe I like you a little bit. Is he mentally ill? We were married for 10 years, had three kids and I had no idea- I am so confused. I think so many things have been said that there is no hope for this marriage. ;( I cannot imagine him ever loving me again. ;( I am so hurt- I don't understand what is going on.

SM...

Take a deep breathe. Find some time if possible to disconnect and destress. Take care of yourself. Do you have family close or help with the kids at all ever??? That is first priority.

Second, now keep disconnecting from him as much as possible which I know hurts when you stop moving for a minute. He is on a roller coaster. In reading thru your post again I immediately got suspicious at the speed and size of his rebound!

Do you know what the ying yang is?? Now turn it on its side. The middle line is a wave. His waves are going to come very fast because he is lost and confused. You got a wave peak followed directly by a wave trough. Prepare for many many more waves as his storm rocks your lifeboat. Thats why I suggest you give up the panicking. No use. Wasted energy and His compass is gone. YOU are the lighthouse now. You are the calm in the storm. Breathe deep and act from your principles and morals and ethics and stand for your family and marriage, calmly and righteously.

Now having instructed you to not panic, please know I did a lot of panicking to friends and family. It was inevitable when your world is crashing down. Just commit to growing thru this as I posted in my How To Have A Powerful Plan A. You will come out better and he WILL know it. That is where the self confidence will come from that you need to re-attract him, to show your children and to believe in yourself. Be great by being grateful!

Also, don't worry about "messing things up". Sure its possible things you do or say will upset him or cause sparks but those are minor mistakes compared to winning the war or the giant mistakes he is (may be) making.

So I have been avoiding him all weekend and not talking about R when I do have to talk to him for the kids. Yesterday we didn;t communicate at all. This morning I get this email in my inbox:

I realize something today that I have a real problem with expressing how I feel. I know that I failed you in that area and that is what I lacked in being a complete husband. I am truly sorry for that. I am going to go see somebody so I can maybe start to open up a lot more. I know I keep everything inside and I know I am a closed book. For what it is worth I am sorry.


What the heck??? He has not once in 2 1/2 months ever been nice to me since this happened or acted like it was remotely his fault. What do I do now?

Sngle Mom,

Again his email is another wave. When I was saying to disconnect from him and to expect many more waves of highs and lows this is what I meant that you don't need to react to everything he throws at you. This is HIS crisis. You and your family of children are right where you have always been. He chose to leave. He chose to engage in wild oats. Now he is paying the price with extreme emotions on both sides of the spectrum from loving you and the kids to wanting out of that same thing.

I think you need to continue the same strong no contact you have been doing. It removes you from his whirlwind and lets you focus on being the mother your children need rather than reacting to his every freakout moment.

However, reconciliation will take more work. A plan must be found that will put the two of you back in close proximity. Is his job still going well?? Is he saying anything about moving home? Has your present house sold?? Offers pending? Have you talked about joining him in his town by moving in with family back there??

But I agree with previous posters that he needs to demonstrate commitment to you and the family before you make any big moves for him. Or do anything for him at all.

Do you have honesty from him? Have you asked about ONS or A??

Its a miracle. He is back and wants yo reconcile. Thank you all for your help. I'll post details when I get a chance.

Keep coming back and getting advice, recovery is difficult at first, and this is a good place to vent on the bad days.

Good luck!