Well,
It’s been awhile friends. As of 20 November I was given strong advice to go to Plan B. I will put this in 2 posts to try to keep you from drooling and falling asleep…
My story is here and it’s long and sordid:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2154829&fpart=1Short version: I guess like so many others I had a pit in my stomach OCT 07, wife showing all signs of cheating but denying. Shuts me out of her life, partying with younger friends, I find all sorts of incriminating evidence, and then bluff my way into getting her to admit that indeed she had been sleeping with a friend of mine since I was recalled to the Navy and moved to Washington DC. She shows remorse for a few hours and then refuses NC letter and I confront the OM, Charlie. He freaks and then my WW freaks and won’t speak to me for days she is so livid.
I continued plan A like I had been doing for basically 8 months for another 4-5 months, but it’s wearing me out. I lose weight, blood pressure skyrockets and had to go on meds etc. etc. WW says “it’s over, but doesn’t know what she wants.”
Well, by 15 November I guess folks on this board could tell I was reaching the end of my rope for plan A. I decide to go to thanksgiving with WW’s family though for 1 last attempt.
Update and question:
I go to the beach and WW and her sister and family are all there, we rent a house. Big families get together. WW is super sweet, tells me “we are in there” bedroom (we haven’t slept in the same bed in 8 months) and is wearing her wedding rings for first time in a long time. We have 3 great days, no R talk, just fun and flirting, very nice but odd. I am suspicious the whole time she is putting on a show for her family.
I get back to DC and the following week WW is asking about having my dad over for Christmas Eve, she wants to cook a big dinner. I tell her great and I call my Dad to invite him. I was feeling encouraged. A week later she calls me while I am hitting some golf balls and we talk a bit about Christmas Eve whereupon she says, “How about if we just come over to you and your dad’s that night and I’ll cook there?”
Needless to say I feel like I have been punched in the gut. I said, “What do you mean come over to me and dads?” She said, “Well that’s where I assumed you were staying.”
I said, “I had intended to stay in my own house.” She said, “Oh. Well we hadn’t talked about that…I don’t know.” I asked, “When did this change? When did you decide I needed to start staying elsewhere again?” She mumbled some blah, blah etc.
I told her that I was a fool. I told her that I had thought we had gotten along so well over Thanksgiving and had been talking so well that things might be improving but I guess not. I resolved then and there that I was done. I did not take her calls for a week (she freaks out calling me like 10 times a day, texting etc.) and decided I may as well stay at dad’s house since I wasn’t going to try to repair my M.
Christmas Eve WW and kids (DD 15 and DS 12) are already there when I pull in and WW is dressed up and wearing her rings. She cooks a great dinner and we have a good time and then she and the kids leave. I spent about 10 days at home, never saw WW much but had the kids with me the entire time. I also made an appointment to see IC.
I sort of recapped the last few months with IC (she was also MC for 1 session with WW and me) and she said, “SWW, I can tell how hard you have tried, you will always be able to know and tell your kids that you did everything you could to save your M, but now I think it’s time we take some action. Small steps beget bigger steps as we move forward.”
“If WW refuses to discuss the M or make any type of plans with you, she is continuing to ignore you and goes out all the time with this group of younger friends etc. then it is time you talk to your attorney and seek the D. It’s not over til it’s over but you can’t keep living in this nightmare.”
I told her I had been reading up on Borderline Personality Disorder and…she smiled, closed her eyes and lowered her head. She then pulled open my file and read her notes and said, “I cannot diagnose WW, I have not been treating her, but I have thought since day one that she exhibited a lot of those traits. She knows how to manipulate you and has done so for 19 years it looks to me, and she knows you are a “rescuer” and counts on you not leaving.”