There have been several incidents that have led up to this happening so I'll try to make it quick and short.
This is his 2nd marriage(1st ended in divorce after 5yrs-she tried to keep him by gettting pregnant), my first. We met and were married quick-fell in love, got married 6 months later, 2 months away from our 2 year anniversary.

My husband left yesterday, packed up his stuff, took the tv, the bed, microwave & other items, and sent me a text message at work telling me he was sorry for his choice and that he had moved out and will not be coming home anymore. (he did go out and buy a mattress for me & set up a different tv to replace the one he took)

The events that led up to this were a handful of things like me doing things that he opposed (making an appt for his son & making a myspace acct), us running into my ex & it being a confrontation instead of me walking away from the situation, and lastly the passing of my ex and how I handled it.
My ex-who I had not talked to since I met my husband, was a dear part of my life, so naturally I teared up when I found out the news. I did not break out crying but i was visibly sad. I received several text messages &phone calls that day which were in his eyes disrespectful towards him, because he was home at the time.
This was the last straw & he said he'd leave by the end of the month. For the last 3 weeks, he's been staying out our house during the week and at his mom's on the weekend. He stayed during the week to take my daughter to school. (my daughter from prev. relationsip) we do not have children together.


Basically through all of these mistakes, I have disrespected him and disobeyed him, disregarded his feelings and acted selfishly.
Part of this is also attributed to the fact, that is very passive (Libra) always wants to keep everything balanced, level and cool. So in this I was spoiled, we always did the things I wanted to do, where I wanted to go, etc. He never spoke up to do something else or what he wanted out of the fear of how I'd react. He didn't want to deal with a negative reaction from me so he would let it go, when really this was making him unhappy.
Communication was shot, when he got mad he'd shut me out, shut down and would not talk to me. we continued on this rollercoaster and would not speak over the weekend, not address the issue and go back to our routine of life on Monday. We communicate mostly through text message or emails and never until Wednesday had actually got into a deep conversation about the issues. He says its too late. He's already made his decision. His style is to run... he's not happy-He's out.

Well, after all of this I have realized my mistakes, I realize what I've done wrong and it can all easily be corrected on my part. He says he's done, does not want to try, does not see that I will change because it is who I am. I've told him its an adjustment that can be made & is what you do when you are in a relationship-Compromise. He says it is a waste of time to try.
I have so much hope for this, it kills me to even think that we will not get through this. My parents have been married for 30 years and when I met him I told him divorce was not an option-you work through the problems, get stronger and grow together.


Our sex life was & always has been great, as a matter of fact, I thought we had made up on Wednesday and we had make up sex-which obviously now was just one last time before he left.

I asked him if there was someone else, he said there is not. I never saw any clues of this and I don't think this is the issue.

I just need to know what to do to get him back. How do I get him to change his mind and give me another chance to prove I have learned from my mistakes? How do I get him to move back and to agree to try to make our marriage work?

I forgot to mention he has not once said Divorce during this whole time.
Please Please Help! Thank you!

I am sorry you find yourself here. However, there is a lot of information here which might help you.

Have you done a lot of reading here?

If not, then get busy....The Harleys have posted a lot of information. There information is very valuable so do not ignore it.

Have you read about Emotional Needs? Love Busters? Love Banks?

It sounds like you have difficulty with a couple of Love Busters based on what you've posted - Angry Outbursts and Independent Behavior.

Since your husband has not mentioned divorce, that is a good sign.

You might get more help if you posted on the General Questions II forum instead of here. It is in the Infidelity part of the boards.

Hey Ms Anna,

I am so sorry that you have found yourself here. I am new to this site, but not new to having my H leave me. I have read and research so much along the way. Just so you know, you are not alone in your pain and confusion.

I have a few questions for you in order to understand things a bit better. First, why did you H leave his first wife? How long was he D before the two of you got married? From your post I think that the two of you have only been M for almost 2 years. Is that correct? You then talk about this is your first M, but go on to talk about your ex.....do you mean ex boyfriend?

Ok, not that the interigation section is over I have a few opinions to spew about your H, so brace yourself. First of all, I see many things about your H that throw up major red flags. I am trying to withhold judgment about why he left the first M, but his reaction to you concerning the passing of your ex was inexcusable.Of course you are going to mourn the loss of someone who was near and dear to your heart. That does not mean that you love your H less, it just means that you are a compassionate person.

There are many terms that you use that make me pause. You say things like you "disobeyed" him. You talk about how you were disrespectful because he could tell you were saddend by the passing of your ex. Your entire post talks about how horrible a person you were to him and how selfish you were because you could not read his mind. Oh Ms Anna, I am so sorry to say this, but it truly sounds like your relationship with you H is VERY abusive. And sweety, when I say this, I mean HE is abusing YOU. Reread your post as if it were a strangers and see all of the control he tries to wield over you. He sounds incredibly insecure so has to make you feel bad for having sorrow over another man. He has convinced you that you have been selfish because he never spoke up concerning his thoughts. Honey, have ever read about passive/aggresive abuse? I am going to post what it is. Trust me, you H is a P/A all the way. Please dont blame yourself for everything. Marriage is a partnership which means that BOTH people play a role in the problems. He had just as much of a responsibility to speak up and say what it was that he want from you. He didnt. Instead he kept it inside and let it build resentment so that it could wielded against like a deadly sword later on.

Here is the thing Anna, you are the one here trying and trying like heck to make this work. Where is he? He ran away. How did he handle his first marriage? He ran away. My suggestion is to step back for a moment and let him go. No, I am NOT saying let your M go, I am saying let him go for now. You need some time to get to a healthier mental place. You need to see that this is not all your fault, he is half of the problem. By stepping back, you also have the effect of not pushing your H so much. THere is a natural law of attraction that takes place in relationships. You have the persuer and the pursued. Men like to be the hunters and it turns them off when they become the hunted. Right now any actions you take to try and win him back will only be seen as desperate and needy. Dont be that woman. Have more self respect than that and he will take notice. Anna, you really do need to take a hard look at the relationship you decribed here, because what you described is very broken and abusive.

Passive Aggressive (adj.) Of, relating to, or having a personality disorder characterized by habitual passive resistance to demands for adequate performance in occupational or social situations, as by procrastination, stubbornness, sullenness, and inefficiency.

Covert (adj.) Not openly shown, engaged in, or avowed : VEILED

Passive Aggressive Behavior Defined:

Passive Aggressive behavior is a form of covert abuse. When someone hits you or yells at you, you know that you've been abused. It is obvious and easily identified. Covert abuse is subtle and veiled or disguised by actions that appear to be normal, at times loving and caring. The passive aggressive person is a master at covert abuse.
Passive aggressive behavior stems from an inability to express anger in a healthy way. A person's feelings may be so repressed that they don't even realize they are angry or feeling resentment. A passive aggressive can drive people around him/her crazy and seem sincerely dismayed when confronted with their behavior. Due to their own lack of insight into their feelings the passive aggressive often feels that others misunderstand them or, are holding them to unreasonable standards if they are confronted about their behavior.

Common Passive Aggressive Behaviors:

• Ambiguity:I think of the proverb, Actions speak louder than words when it comes to the passive aggressive and how ambiguous they can be. They rarely mean what they say or say what they mean. The best judge of how a passive aggressive feels about an issue is how they act. Normally they don't act until after they've caused some kind of stress by their ambiguous way of communicating.

• Forgetfulness:The passive aggressive avoids responsibility by forgetting. How convenient is that? There is no easier way to punish someone than forgetting that lunch date or your birthday or, better yet, an anniversary.

• Blaming:They are never responsible for their actions. If you aren't to blame then it is something that happened at work, the traffic on the way home or the slow clerk at the convenience store. The passive aggressive has no faults, it is everyone around him/her who has faults and they must be punished for those faults.

• Lack of Anger:He/she may never express anger. There are some who are happy with whatever you want. On the outside anyway! The passive aggressive may have been taught, as a child, that anger is unacceptable. Hence they go through life stuffing their anger, being accommodating and then sticking it to you in an under-handed way.

• Fear of Dependency:From Scott Wetlzer, author of Living With The Passive Aggressive Man. “Unsure of his autonomy and afraid of being alone, he fights his dependency needs, usually by trying to control you. He wants you to think he doesn't depend on you, but he binds himself closer than he cares to admit. Relationships can become battle grounds, where he can only claim victory if he denies his need for your support.â€�

• Fear of Intimacy:The passive aggressive often can't trust. Because of this, they guard themselves against becoming intimately attached to someone. A passive aggressive will have sex with you but they rarely make love to you. If they feel themselves becoming attached, they may punish you by withholding sex.

• Obstructionism:Do you want something from your passive aggressive spouse? If so, get ready to wait for it or maybe even never get it. It is important to him/her that you don,t get your way. He/she will act as if giving you what you want is important to them but, rarely will he/she follow through with giving it. It is very confusing to have someone appear to want to give to you but never follow through. You can begin to feel as if you are asking too much which is exactly what he/she wants to you to feel.

• Victimization:The passive aggressive feels they are treated unfairly. If you get upset because he or she is constantly late, they take offense because; in their mind, it was someone else's fault that they were late. He/she is always the innocent victim of your unreasonable expectations, an over-bearing boss or that slow clerk at the convenience store.

• Procrastination:The passive aggressive person believes that deadlines are for everyone but them. They do things on their own time schedule and be damned anyone who expects differently from them.

The Passive Aggressive and You:

The passive aggressive needs to have a relationship with someone who can be the object of his or her hostility. They need someone whose expectations and demands he/she can resist. A passive aggressive is usually attracted to co-dependents, people with low self-esteem and those who find it easy to make excuses for other's bad behaviors.
The biggest frustration in being with a passive aggressive is that they never follow through on agreements and promises. He/she will dodge responsibility for anything in the relationship while at the same time making it look as if he/she is pulling his/her own weight and is a very loving partner. The sad thing is, you can be made to believe that you are loved and adored by a person who is completely unable to form an emotional connection with anyone.
The passive aggressive ignores problems in the relationship, sees things through their own skewed sense of reality and if forced to deal with the problems will completely withdraw from the relationship and you. They will deny evidence of wrong doing, distort what you know to be real to fit their own agenda, minimize or lie so that their version of what is real seems more logical.


The passive aggressive will say one thing, do another, and then deny ever saying the first thing. They don't communicate their needs and wishes in a clear manner, expecting their spouse to read their mind and meet their needs. After all, if their spouse truly loved them he/she would just naturally know what they needed or wanted. The passive aggressive withholds information about how he/she feels, their ego is fragile and can't take the slightest criticism so why let you know what they are thinking or feeling? God forbid they disclose that information and you criticize them.

Confronting the Passive Aggressive:

Beware, if you confront the passive aggressive he/she will most likely sulk, give you the silent treatment or completely walk away leaving you standing there to deal with the problem alone. There are two reasons for confronting the passive aggressive. One, if done correctly you may be able to help him/her gain insight into the negative consequences of their behaviors. Two, even if that doesn't happen, it will at least give you the opportunity to talk to him/her in a frank way about how his/her behavior affects you. If nothing else you can get a few things “off your chest.� Below are some ways you might approach your passive aggressive:

• Make your feelings the subject of the conversation and not his/her bad behaviors.

• Don,t attack his/her character.

• Make sure you have privacy.

• Confront him/her about one behavior at a time, don't bring up everything at once.

• If he/she needs to retreat from the conversation allow them to do it with dignity.

• Have a time limit, confrontation should not stretch on indefinitely.

• If he/she tries to turn the table on you, do not defend your need to have an adult conversation about your feelings.

• Be sure he/she understands that you care about what happens to them, that you love them and that you are not trying to control them. You are only trying to get to the bottom of your disagreements and make the relationship better.

Inside the Passive Aggressive:

The passive aggressive has a real desire to connect with you emotionally but their fear of such a connection causes them to be obstructive and engage in self-destructive habits. He/she will be covert in their actions and it will only move him/her further from his/her desired relationship with you.
The passive aggressive never looks internally and examines their role in a relationship problem. They have to externalize it and blame others for having shortcomings. To accept that he/she has flaws would be tantamount to emotional self-destruction. They live in denial of their self-destructive behaviors, the consequences of those behaviors and the choices they make that cause others so much pain.

The passive aggressive objectifies the object of their desire. You are to be used as a means to an end. Your only value is to feed his/her own emotional needs. You are not seen as a person with feelings and needs but as an extension of him/her. They care for you the way they care for a favorite chair. You are there for their comfort and pleasure and are of use as long as you fill their needs.

The passive aggressive wants the attention and attachment that comes with loving someone but fears losing his/her independence and sense of self to his/her spouse. They want love and attention but avoid it out of fear of it destroying them. You have to be kept at arms length and if there is an emotional attachment it is tenuous at best.
The only hope for change in the way they deal with relationship issues is if they are able to acknowledge their shortcomings and contributions to the marital problems. Facing childhood wounds, looking internally instead of externally to find the cause of problems in their life will help them form deeper emotional attachments with a higher sense of emotional safety.


from: http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/abusive.../a/Pass_Agg.htm

I don't disagree with anything here. There is no doubt that your H has some issues he needs to work out, and the blame is far from all yours. And I can't say this with any kind of surety, but is it possible that it's not so much what you say and do, but how you're saying and doing it?

It does seem rediculous that your H would feel disrespected in how you mourned your ex. However, it's not so crazy if you mourned if you blocked him out while you mourned. If you didn't treat him as your husband during this time, and included him. As a husband, it hurts when your wife puts you aside for awhile, stops depending and sharing with you. It's not jealousy, but it's hard to explain it without it sounding that way.

And again, I have no idea if this is the case, and maybe you couldn't even tell if it is yourself. In the same way, I don't think you can just tell your H that he's passive agressive. It would be very hard to except if it came from you. That's why marriage counselors are so great (usually). If it's at all possible, going to counselling together can help uncover the truth about what's really going on with the two of you.

Major red flags. Interesting because I see the red flags with her not him. How would she react if he cried over an ex. I'll tell you. His life would become hell over it. She says disobeyed him to make herself the victom. He may have never even said that. My ex implied that when I never said it also. Or hinted to it. If he wasnt comfortable with her on myspace she should of respected that. Now he is gone. He didnt want to give his heart to a woman that has questionable loyalty. He was smart and left before it came to being cheated on. The fact that this is all turned on him alarms me. If she got the house why would he buy her a new bed or tv? Women can not push a mans buttons and then say how bad he is. That is manipulation. Especially if the woman would bite his head of if he did what she is. NO it is not good behavior and women will find themself alone if they dont know how to treat a person. I find in divorce the woman always dont feel good unless they ruin the mans life. Men dont do that in gerneral. If a woman is feeling bad about herslef it is not right for her to manipiulate an arguement and not even try to win it on proving points. They try to frustrate the guy cause they cant beat him in logic. They feel if they can make him lose his temper they automatically win cause he is abusive. Sorry to tell you ladies this is abuse also. And for the record I could tell poster how to get him back but I dont want to do that to him.

Steve,

I don't think you have anywhere near enough information to make these conclusions. I agree in that we may not be seeing the full picture here, but your judgements of Ms Anna and women in general are uncalled for and rather disrespectful.

But its ok with even less information to call the guy abusive? Cmon now. You have a brain. Now you are just proving me more right. And I know I'm just so horrible and offensive because I tell the truth. If women think its ok to do to men but cant take it back. Thats the problem. When women do behaviors it is swept under the carpet and blamed on the men. Sorry if I am truthful and point out manipulation at its core. That is why women should date younger men. They are not wise to these behaviors yet and can be controlled. Why is it ok to offend men left and right but call a man abusive for telling the truth? Sorry I know and went through too much of this behavior to tollerate it without pointing it out. If everyone is going to jump on the bandwagon to look good on the forum and call a guy abusive who is not here to defend himself and you dont know him. I will stick up for this poor guy.

Nope, didn't have a problem with talking about abuse since that's pretty much what Anna reported. Nothing wrong with taking her at her word, that's the information you have. Nothing wrong with digging a little deeper either, IMO. But taking a complete 180 is simply wrong.

Many many people have double standards when it comes to behavior, it's far from a female only thing. Personally, if anyone was manipulative in my relationship, it was me, not my wife.

It sucks that your experience with women has made you this jaded, but that does not make you an expert on women by a longshot.

Well I am an expert on them. I have observed every relationship of everyone I ever knew. I had a 19 year relationship and seen it all. I have compared notes with many men and woman to view both sides. I have read many books. And lastly before my marriage I dated a great many women. It came easy to me. And after my seperation and divorce dated and had relationships with a great many more. It is shocking how word for word they all say and do the same behaviors. Some worse than others. Bottom line is they want a fantacy 24/7. They want to be able to do whatever they want right or wrong and it be ok. And some who were abused as children embrace the victom role and nomatter what you do it wont be enough to make them happy. It just some women do it to a way lesser of a degree than others and some men dont know any better to see what they are dealing with. Or they just dont mind. But from the stories I hear from married people is the men complaining and frustrated.

And you never touched on why its ok to call him abusive. idey58 said he is abusive. Why is that acceptable? The man isnt here to defend himself. I didnt get that conclusion about him. I got a conclusion about her from what she was describing and how she desribed it.

Hey Steve...idey here. I just want to respond to your post. You are right, the H is not here to defend himself and she could very well be the one who is abusing him. I dont believe from what she posted that this is the case. I had a best friend whose husband used to beat the snot out of her. She didnt do something perfect enough, she didnt obey him to the degree that he liked, or heaven forbid she spoke up for herself and then <BAM> a black eye or tender stomache or god knows what else would show up the next day. When I ask her why she put up with all of this her responce was because it was her fault. See, he had convienced her that she truly was the awful person and it was her fault he got so mad and had to hit her. Everyone on the outside could see that the disfunction was actually BOTH of their faults. He had no right to ever lay a hand on her for any reason and refused to be accountable for his anger, and she had a responsiblity to say that getting hit was NOT ok and it was HIS anger that cause the beatings, not her. Instead, he blamed her for making him mad and she blamed herself for not being good enough....so the disfunction continued. This is how an abuser works, isolate the victum and make them believe that it is all their fault.

Ms Anna's tone was eeriely similar to the words my friend would use. My friend was not seeing herself as the victum, but as the perpitrator. Now, if you truly have read all of those books like you claim then you would understand that NOBODY can make anyone do anything. We are each responsible for our own actions and reactions. Yet, from what Ms Anna posted (and that is all that is important right now - her reality because SHE is the one seeking help and advice) it sounds like her H doesnt take responsibility for his part in this. Instead he has blamed her and manipulated her. She talks about how she has disrepescted him because OTHERS chose to call her about the passing of someone she cared dearly about. How is that her fault? She cant controll that people picked up the phone and called her yet she is made to feel horrible about this. She calls herself disrespectful and even spoiled when she talks about how her H never spoke up. Is she suppose to be a mind reader? Isnt it HIS responsiblity to speak up with he doesnt agree to something or wants to do something different? Isnt that what the policy of joint agreement is all about? Instead, he kept it inside and let resentment build to the point he just up and left. Where is there trying in that? How was she suppose to course correct if he didnt tell her that the course she was on was causing resentment to build inside him? I am not letting her off the hook here, of course there were/are things she could/can do better....but who is the one still trying to fix things and who is the one who without notice, just packed up and left? If you had read anything about passive agressive personalites you would see that her H behaviors are very typical of a P/A personality; They harbor resentment, they blame, they keep everything bottled inside and most importantly they play the victum.

Now, this being said, you are right that there are women out in the world who are incredibly manipulative. Woman who thrive on playing the victum role. I am sorry that you feel you were on the recieving end of such a disfuctional relationship. That doesnt mean every female who is expressing her pain is that kind of personality. If you chose to see all women in this light, I think you are going to have a very hard time forming a loving, meaningful relationship. Instead of pointing your finger at Ms Anna and declaring her to be abusive, maybe you could take a long look inside yourself and try to figure out why you feel the need to defend mankind while demoralizing womankind. If I painted men based on my friends H, I would be declaring to every female poster....leave the jerk he is just going to beat you in the end anyway. I would post to the any man's thread that he was a horrible person and deserved to be left. That would be ludicrous, and so is your broad painting that all woman want to live in a fantasy world and are incapable of logical discussions.

Its funny that you state that it is the men who are unhappy with women. Why is it that 85% of all divorces are filed by women then? Why is it that research has shown that men are happier in a relationship and women are happier out of a relationship? Do a little research and you will find that what I say is true. Maybe it is your negative personality that is attracting like minded men towards you and that just reaffirms your point of view. After all they do say misery loves company. If you choose to stay the way you are you will continue to live in a very negative, unhappy world. Its very sad to see someone missing out on all of the beauty in the world because they chose to focus on all of the injustices they feel have been inflicted upon them. Who's palying the victum now? Just imagine how much better your life could be if you let go of the negative thought that all women were controlling succubuses. I cant even imagine how heavy of a burden all of that negative energy must be. But again, it is your choice on how you decide to view the world. I, for one, try to believe that everyone is inherently good and we all are just doing the best we can. Here is the thing, when our best isnt good enough, I also believe we have a personal responsibility to try and grow and learn. Maybe its time for you to just grow a little more......

I'm not going to get in to a huge argument here, this is a difficult enough situation as it is.
I do want to say that I am a very compassionate person and have a huge heart, and I've lived my life for the past 2 years devoted to my husband.
So if it were his ex, I would have been compassionate and offered to help anyway that I could. The loss of anyone close to you is a devastating situation and I would want to be there anyway possible to help through it. I would not have made it an issue over jealousy or insecurities.
He did not say "disobey" however he did mention something to the effect that he could not control his own wife.
The myspace account I was creating was actually a joint account with photos of the 2 of us and our family. It wasn't like I was out there looking for anyone. It was private & we both have family & friends on the site.
We live in an apartment, its not like he's left a house all to me. I still have to pay the rent on my own now-which I'm not sure how I'm going to do.

I have never tried to manipulate him to win an argument or to prove a point.

If you know how to get him back, I'd truly appreciate your help.
For right now, I'm at a loss, I'm just leaving him to have the space he needs to sort his thoughts. But the mere thought that he may not come back is simply inconceiveable. If you can help please help.

Answers to your questions:

Why did you H leave his first wife? - He never liked to discuss this, said she was crazy and played lots of games. I think that it had a lot to do with the fact that they were young 19-20's, she was in the airforce and they were married to reap the benefits that the govt. provides, like the $ to get a house and other things.
Just from my experiences with her now, it does seem she is trying to play games-doing childish things to get her way. Not being home when it's time to pick up the DS, making up excuses & lies about the DS to get extra money or items. She got pregnant on purpose because he was already trying to leave at that time. He left after DS was around 4 months because we all know that trick never works.
Other than that, I don't know the whole story.

How long was he D before the two of you got married? - We actually met shortly before the D was final. I actually talked to him the day he was at court with her, so we were dating a week or two before it was final. They had been broken up for probably about a year at that time though.

From your post I think that the two of you have only been M for almost 2 years. Is that correct? - Yes it will be 2 years in April


You then talk about this is your first M, but go on to talk about your ex.....do you mean ex boyfriend? Yes Ex boyfriend, I had dated him for approx 2 years before I met my husband. It was already over for almost a year when I met my husband.




I understand about the pushing and letting him go... Today is probably one of the first days I have not had any contact whatsoever with him. I had texted him over the weekend, even though I knew I shouldn't have, but also had to about the rent and the apt. & car keys that he still has. aside from the texts about rent & keys, he has not replied at all. He works weekends it was the super bowl, so I didn't bother to call. I have been reading the Turtle Logic and stopped the Pushing.
I also read in a book to leave him alone for one month, so I'm working on that now. I'm worried that it is a long time since we are in a marriage and it is not just a boyfriend/girlfriend thing. I'm just not sure what else to do at this point, and I'm not about to just sit back and let my life fall apart. This is my marriage and I chose to marry him and I'm ready to fight for it and do what it takes and what is needed to get our marriage back on track.

Thank you for the passive/aggressive info, now my question is obviously we all know what the problem is-It pinpoints him exactly, but how do I get that through to him?

I understand now that this is a major part of the problem, but I'm just not the type of person to drop the whole relationship because of the issue. If anything, I want to help him identify with it, deal with it and get help for it.

Thank you for your help, I really appreciate it!

More details needed, please.

What sort of details did you need? I'm happy to answer any questions.

Anna did not report. She insinuated because she wanted everyone else to tell her forget this guy he is abusive. It is my opinion that this was a very smart man. She couldnt let the issue of myspace go. Had to push him beyond his limit just because she found what hurts him and wasnt willing to give it up. I am 100% convinced this would of led to cheating just cause she dont like being told not to. I wonder if the myspace was worth it now? 85% is filed by women because they want a fantacy. Why do most men end up more happier than the women in the long term after a divorce stitistically. Because they dont delude themselves with fantacies. If a woman is unhappy with herself she will blame the spouse and get a divorce. Men realize there is a lot similar about women so might as well keep the one they got since she dont cheat. Then they find she cheats.
Anna he shouldnt have to control his wife in the first place.

If he means that much Anna. Tell him that you will never go against his wishes again. Tell him you realize he is smarter and knows what is best for you guys. Tell him you wont badger him to do the dishes the instant he walks in the door and if he refuses you wont get mad and do them yourself and clang them loud as you can. Tell him on holidays if he just wants to hang at home and not go to the inlaws that he is allowed. Tell him you wont ignore or give him a tood if he cant read your mind on something. Dont tell him he doesnt measure up to your dad or anyone else. Tell him you wont withold sex from him to get your way. Tell him you wont run in the bathroom and go number 2 right before he has to brush his teeth. Tell him when you guys argue you wont say something and deny saying it 1 minute later. Tell him you are sorry for ever wanting to be on myspace and WONT DO IT AGAIN. Tell him he can have hise own shelve in the medicine cabinet. Tell him you realize if you go out with the girls he can have a guys night out without you. Tell him you will look sexy in sexy nighty outfits instead of old sweatpants and no makeup when he comes home. If you need more just ask.

Good god Steve. I'm 100% convinced that you're either a 10 year old boy trolling this site, or a 1st class misogynist.

Is it satire? It's satire, right??? You're just being ironic.

LOL! Okay, haha... Good one. You really had me there for a while. Thanks man, I needed a good laugh.

Um...ok.

Wow. Glad I'm not married to you!

Are you married?

Ms Anna,

Sorry I responded to the troll, I should have known better. Anyway, I'm not sure I have good advice for you. I don't know if no contact is good or not, although you certainly don't want to smother him. In just general terms, it is always good to try and understand yourself better. Why do I feel this way, and why do I react that way. Are my reactions a healthy to respond to how I feel?

As well, think about him and what he's going through. Don't overanalyze with him. You can't forcefully change how he feels and make him come back. You can make it easier for him to see what's true about your relationship, and show that you believe in it. That doesn't mean you do all the changes and cater to him. And it doesn't mean you tell him things that he isn't ready to hear...some lessons have to be learned the hardway.

Mostly though, pray a lot. There is a lot that you can't control that He can help you with.

That is funny. I am a troll now. I am telling her how to get back a man that is gone. If it has humor in it that is part of it. Like it or not the advice I gave might be her last resort to a man that has labelled her not trustworthy of his heart. Since she tried everything else would it harm her to try my idea? If she wants him back she will have to grovel like he would. I told her how to do it. Not a troll at all. If she does exactly what I say and it brings back her husband what does that make me? Thank you. He has made a choice his life is better without her. He might even be right. She is trying though and seems to care. If he is that important to her that she would rather be with him than alone. By all means cater to him. Cater to him before another woman does. He is suseptable now to any woman being nice to him. I find people can sniff out a rebound. Dont beg him but tell him the things I said and mean it with your heart.

PS to label me as a troll for saying what is right or my opinion. Sounds like calling someone abusive because they win an arguement. I find when argueing a woman will call a man a mean man if he proves a true point. Like he is supposed to let her walk all over him. 9 times out of 10 when a woman calls a man a mean man he said something that was the truth. Troll= Mean Man

Anna same thing happened to me and it sucks. I cant pay all my house bills now. That part is unfair. If you get him back you guys cant be pushing each others buttons. If he dont want a joint myspace account you created why not just let it go? For me it was an online video game that caused the wedge. Of course it was never admitted. I watched my ex let video gaming nerds talk her out of her marriage. Then I watched her bait me for arguements to turn to them and him and say how bad she had it. Let me know if you get him back.