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Last edited by Stellakat; 02/07/09 01:48 AM.
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HOLD, do you see that this herpes she gave you by refusing to let you wear condoms is YOUR TICKET OUT OF THE MARRIAGE?

You can hold it over her like a hammer all through the lawsuit and divorce you serve her papers for. This will control the damage you are afraid she would do during a divorce.

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Stella: In most states, spouses cannot sue each other, except for divorce. This goes back to the old common law theory that the wife's identity is subsumed into her husband's when they marry. In the Dr. Laura case, the wife was straying during the marriage. Hold married Mrs. Hold knowing that she had many sexual partners before they met, and from what I infer, knew she had this STD at the time they married. Hold has not indicated that Mrs. Hold has strayed during the marriage. Also, I don't think his wife refused to use condoms-she just preferred not to, and apparently, so did Hold. So I think the likelihood that he could win damages against her are pretty slim, even if he can sue her in Connecticut.

I do think that if he wants to divorce her, he could use the STD as a psychological weapon to get better custody of the children. This would make the divorce a very nasty one - as nasty as his marriage. The children are adolescents now. It is a possibility that they would find out about the STD if its existence was mentioned in any of the legal pleadings. Now I don't think that even Hold hates Mrs. Hold enough to brandish that weapon with the possibility the kids would find out and the resulting harm that would occur to them.

This situation really sucks all the way around.

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From one cat to another...you are probably right...

I just want the MRS to feel as much or more pain than she has inflicted on her husband all these years. Literally she should be sued! Or put in jail. For all the bad she did to him.

The MRS HOLD MARITAL RESUME:

1. Stole all his savings and lied about it (total around 112K)
2. Ran up all thier cards and lied about it
3. Savings now gone,cards ran up, money gone, then he found out.
4. Would not and will not work to make the money back
5. Demands more and more money and refuses to work
6. Demands $225K of home repairs
7. Demands trips
8. Demands he work more and more hours
9. Forged his checks
10. Continues to runs up cards
11. Demands and gets a large allowance
12. Drives 100 miles a day to spend more money
13. Lousy lover
14. SEX withholder
15. Tells him in detail how she used to LOVE sex with her other boyfriends. Real nice.
16. Makes thier marriage unpleasant every day
17. Brings stress on HOLD and the kids by verbally abusing him
18. Eats too much
19. Refuses to work at all. At home or on a job.
20. Demanded a houskeeper-she will not clean house
21. Insults HOLD in public
22. Demands trips, vacations, and jewelry.
23. Does not care about HOLD ever retiring
24. Gives HOLD an incurable disease
25. She could care less for anyone but herself
26. Treats HOLD bad in front of the kids.

We could go on and on. Had it been my spouse, I would have divorced her years ago but I would not have had children so I dont know that end of it. I think I would have rather married a criminal than a "Mrs Hold".


Last edited by Stellakat; 02/07/09 12:06 PM.
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There is one good thing about Mrs Hold. She is working out and trying to lose weight. Even if this is for selfish reasons, it is a good thing.

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Hold- The reason most doctors won't give you shock treatments is because you are not showing signs of severe mental instability. Most of your issue is you do not stay with nor listen to any therapist you go to. You are right your wife is not your issue. Learning to love yourself is the issue. That can't be done with drugs,shock therapy ect. You have to learn the right tools to deal with your issues. Face it Hold your life is not that bad. Come on you have a good job, if you were doing as poorly as you say you are do you think they would keep you on? I highly doubt it not in this economy. Your wife is not perfect but I do believe she loves you. You need to learn to love her for who she is not who you wish she was. However before you can even begin to heal your feelings for your wife you need to heal yourself.
If you don't 1 of 2 things is probably going to happen. Your children will copy you as adults. Or they will become resentful of your issues as adults and back away from you. I am sure you don't want either of those things to happen. Children eed secure role models to follow especially in their teens. Your son especially is watching you it is how kids learn to be adults themselves.

You have health insurance find a good psychiatrist not just a therapist. They can set you up with some good group therapy sessions.

I'm sure I have said these same things to you about 3 or 4 times in the last how many years Hold. You know what to do.


prev jillybean36 Live for today for there maynot be a tomorrow
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Great post, Jilly. I was going to chime in here with my standard reply to the kids when they start telling me something:

There are 3 sides to every story.

Your side

Their side

And the truth.

And that goes for my own situation and Hold's and pretty much everyone's. Not to say one person is wrong or right or more wrong or more right--that's what all the discussion is for! But if Mrs. Hold were to start posting, what would she say? If my husband were to start posting, what would he say? We all see things through our own filters and that's where communication breaks down.

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Hold, you should print this out and tape it to your bathroom mirror, you car window, and your computer screen:

Most of your issue is you do not stay with nor listen to any therapist you go to.

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Not sure why I would listen to this doctor any more than I listened in the past, but I got a name from my buddy the psychiatrist and I will call tomorrow. Hopefully I am unhappy enough to finally take some advice.


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 Originally Posted By: holdingontoit
Hopefully I am unhappy enough to finally take some advice.


This hurts my head.

Hopefully... You're unhappy enough... To finally take some advice.

For what?

Be happy???

In order to be happy, you need to first be even more unhappy before you might take and follow the advice you're given?

Are you flailing H? Looks like you're flailing to me.

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 Originally Posted By: Seabird
Are you flailing H? Looks like you're flailing to me.


Of course I am flailing. I have been flailing for the past 25 years. Hopefully I am finally ready to stop flailing.


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Seabird, that actually makes sense to me. Hold and I are alot alike. The fear is strong enough that we will put up with a LOT until we finally can't any more. Getting to a level of unhappiness that trumps the fear is what it takes for people like us to be willing to face it.

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I'm sorry. I'm not trying to be obtuse. I'm just really struggling to understand this mindset.

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Good point seabird. Trying to imagine what it would be like to not be able to make my life better or get out from a bad situation.

Change is hard always.
Everybody has fears

What rules your life, FEAR? Fear of change? Fear of making a decision?

How could fear of change keep you in a life of heartache for many years?

Choices:

I choose the abuse rather than choosing to get away from the abuser because___________________.

I choose what I know, even if that is terrible, because in the past every choice I have made is bad and I will be punished for choosing at all.

I am not able to CHOOSE. I must remain STILL and PASSIVE and REFUSE TO BETTER MY LIFE.

I am NOT going to think about all my choices and CHOOSE the best one for me. After all, I am not worthy to have any kind of good life. I refuse to CHOOSE my life's direction.

The direction of my life IS NOT UP TO ME. It is up to _________and _______ and _______________.

I want to have nothing to do with the direction my life takes.

If I be HAPPY or if I be UNHAPPY, I simply REFUSE to make any changes. My happiness is unimportant.

I would rather be unhappy all my life than take a risk or make any changes.

CHANGE = DEATH.

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Change has always opened many doors in my life.

From unexpected breakups to job layoffs, it has always, bar none,
made for a substantial improvement.

The largest pay increases I've ever gotten have come about from first being let go from one company, then being hired by another at marked increase. Upsetting at first; rewarding later.

Breakups, always hard, have moved me to quit jobs (co-workers) and one time, when an engagement soon after college broke off, it caused me to travel across the country aimlessly with friends. I wound up in Seattle working at Microsoft, and experiencing many, many awesome women along the way.

I made a killing in stock options at Microsoft in the 90's. I also had more sex than I could ave possibly imagined.

If I had amrried that devilish girl, I'd be have been bound and gagged forever in Houston, texas.

My marriage,which lasted only three years, was the worst. She was a very beautiful sociopath, and the relationship did a lot of damage. The divorce was very hard for me, as she was the one who left. I implored her to stay and work it out. She was like the trollop in East of Eden. I now see how blind I was, and how I was used.

It ended up being the very best thing, as my relationship now is
amazing beyond words; she is my soulmate.

I hate change, I really do. But it has heralded in the very best things in my life. I'm a believer now!

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[quote=holdingontoit]
 Originally Posted By: Seabird
Are you flailing H? Looks like you're flailing to me.


Of course I am flailing. I have been flailing for the past 25 years. Hopefully I am finally ready to stop flailing. [/quote]


I hope you are ready Hold.


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Stellakat;

I understand the pain you want her to suffer, but even looking over your list..some of them wouldn't fly in court..


 Quote:
I just want the MRS to feel as much or more pain than she has inflicted on her husband all these years. Literally she should be sued! Or put in jail. For all the bad she did to him.

The MRS HOLD MARITAL RESUME:

1. Stole all his savings and lied about it (total around 112K)
(they were married..martial assets--unless they had a pre-nup)

2. Ran up all thier cards and lied about it
(again, martial assets--and he chose to give her the cards to use)

3. Savings now gone,cards ran up, money gone, then he found out.
(again..martial assets)

4. Would not and will not work to make the money back
(he can't say she has refused to work, because she could prove she did work..maybe not the entire time of their marriage, but she did work)

5. Demands more and more money and refuses to work
(he does not HAVE to give into her demands)

6. Demands $225K of home repairs
(again, he does not have to give into her demands, just because she want's it doesn't mean he HAS to go into debt to provide it)

7. Demands trips
(again, HE did not and does not have to give into her demands--if he gave in it was his decision)

8. Demands he work more and more hours
(again, if he works more hours, that's on him..HIS decision, no matter what she 'demands')

9. Forged his checks
(this one he probably could have had her prosecuted for, but I don't know what the statue of limitations is)

10. Continues to runs up cards
(if she is continuing to do this..it's on him--He could very well close all the accounts)

11. Demands and gets a large allowance
(again, He doesn't HAVE to give her such a large allowance, HE, alone makes the decision to give that to her)

12. Drives 100 miles a day to spend more money
(if he cut up the cards, and dropped some of the allowance, this might change)

13. Lousy lover
(can't sue for that)

14. SEX withholder
(might be able to divorce for this, as an act of fraud)

15. Tells him in detail how she used to LOVE sex with her other boyfriends. Real nice.
(might be able to divorce for emotional distress)

16. Makes thier marriage unpleasant every day
(he chooses to stay in the unpleasant marriage, so that is on him)

17. Brings stress on HOLD and the kids by verbally abusing him
(again, might be able to divorce for abuse)

18. Eats too much
(he can't control that--but I don't think he can sue her for being a glutton)

19. Refuses to work at all. At home or on a job.
(she could prove otherwise, as she has worked outside the home at various times)

20. Demanded a houskeeper-she will not clean house
(he can refuse to pay for a house-keeper)

21. Insults HOLD in public
(again, he could divorce for abuse)

22. Demands trips, vacations, and jewelry.
(he does not have to give into her demands)

23. Does not care about HOLD ever retiring
(not sure about this one..I think she would love it if he could retire--as long as they could travel)

24. Gives HOLD an incurable disease
(he knew this was a possible consequence of his choice to have unprotected sex with her)

25. She could care less for anyone but herself
(unfortunately, I don't think you can divorce someone because they are selfish)

26. Treats HOLD bad in front of the kids.
(again, a good case towards abuse)

We could go on and on. Had it been my spouse, I would have divorced her years ago but I would not have had children so I dont know that end of it. I think I would have rather married a criminal than a "Mrs Hold".


Had you known the things he did before he married her, like she had an STD, You probably wouldn't have married her to begin with, because you would not have wanted to take that chance..

But the truth of the matter is, he's made choices for counseling, he's made choices to limit her access to credit cards, and has made great strides in certain areas..but even with the area of counseling, he has refused to stick with it, and find out WHY he thinks this is all he deserves..he has refused to look within and make the changes HE needs to inside himself..because like many others..he has the attitude that "I'm not gonna change unless they change first" even IF they are the one who is miserable with their life..

Which sounds pretty stupid to me..If I am miserable I'm the one who needs to change things so that *I* am not miserable anymore..
but the truth is..He finds comfort in being miserable, he thrives on it..and as the saying goes..Misery loves company..so he stays married so he has company in being miserable.

But in all honesty, I don't think Mrs. Hold is all that miserable--I think she's frustrated and acts out in that frustration..

I think she's one of those people who believe tearing someone down will make them want to change..as if tearing someone down will motivate them to want to change..focusing on the negative trying to change those things..instead of focusing on the positive and offering encouragement and building them up..which is what might actually be more helpful in bringing about the change..

That is something he does, instead of tearing her down about not losing more weight fast enough...he tries to encourage her..

Maybe that is something they could discuss sometime..why his encouragement towards her gets her upset..and him asking her if his tearing her down would actually get her more motivated to change (she would probably say it would piss her off) in which case he could ask.."then why, do you think tearing me down is going to motivate me to change to do more??" "Don't you think it pisses me off too to hear nothing but negative things being thrown at me all the time??" "Do you think yelling at me, and criticizing me causes me to want to try harder at work??" "Do you think it makes me want to take you on those fancy trips or buy you that expensive jewelry you love so much??" "Do you think tearing me down in public makes me want to take you out to a nice dinner or even a business trip with those I work with?"
"do you honestly think it makes me want to show you I love you, by doing those things for you??" No, it makes me angry and it hurts, and it makes me resent you, and it makes me wonder why I ever married you to begin with, and at times, it makes me wonder if I want to remain married to you in my old age if this is what it's going to be like for the rest of my life."

They need more openness and honesty in their marriage..but until he's ready to have that conversation..no matter what any of us say..it won't make a bit of difference..until he's ready to take that risk..and speak up for himself and follow through if things don't change..


Simul Justus Et Peccator
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Stellakat;



 Quote:
Change is hard always.
Everybody has fears

What rules your life, FEAR? Fear of change? Fear of making a decision?

How could fear of change keep you in a life of heartache for many years?

Choices:

I choose the abuse rather than choosing to get away from the abuser because___________________.

I choose what I know, even if that is terrible, because in the past every choice I have made is bad and I will be punished for choosing at all.

I am not able to CHOOSE. I must remain STILL and PASSIVE and REFUSE TO BETTER MY LIFE.

I am NOT going to think about all my choices and CHOOSE the best one for me. After all, I am not worthy to have any kind of good life. I refuse to CHOOSE my life's direction.

The direction of my life IS NOT UP TO ME. It is up to _________and _______ and _______________.

I want to have nothing to do with the direction my life takes.

If I be HAPPY or if I be UNHAPPY, I simply REFUSE to make any changes. My happiness is unimportant.

I would rather be unhappy all my life than take a risk or make any changes.

CHANGE = DEATH.


I love this post...it bears repeating!!!


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 Originally Posted By: ThornedRose
at times, it makes me wonder if I want to remain married to you in my old age if this is what it's going to be like for the rest of my life.


I am long past the wondering stage. Other than that, your post was spot on.

Mrs. Hold gained .6 pounds last week. She "cheated" twice and had pizza for dinner. And it may have something to do with her cycle. Hopefully this week will be better.


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hold, are you going on walks or anything with MrsHold?

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