ok i have no freakin idea where to even start. i have been married for almost 10 years. have 2 daughters. 8 and 9. i have been unhappy in my marriage for quite some time. i have been telling my husband for at least a year that his actions were pushing me away and one day i would not be there. wel the day has finally come. i moved out of our house. we were actually planning on moving together, but i prevented that from happening. as much as i want my marriage to work, my feelings for my husband have dwindled down to tolerating him simply to avoid hurting his feelings by telling him i do not love him anymore. or not in love or whatever. i mean i love him on a certain level, but do not feel attracted to him, affectionate towards him, have no desire to touch or be touched by him. do not really even like being around him sometimes. i became so unhappy that i became severly depressed and slept for days at a time. sometimes i would sleep thru a complete week. could not function at work, so got hours cut then eventually jus quit. quit a job i liked and had been at for 4 years. i started drinking more often also. not blaming him, jus my way of escaping.

he claims he is aware of his faults and is willing to work on them. some of his faults i created myself by allowing certain behavior at all.

my girls and i have been in the new house for almost 3 weeks. i have been extremly happy. he visits daily but hurts him to be here knowing he has to leave, and hurts me to hurt him. but i want to be happy. thats all. well, now due to the fact that our old house is falling apart (he is living there) and i have not found a new job and have ran out of cash and can not afford to pay my bills, i have agreed to let him move in.

i have been depressed since i made that decision. i am scared that i just want out and that breaks my heart. i feel like he has damaged me beyond repair. even if not, i feel like people do not change so wil he ever be able to make me happy? how do i allow him to even try when i do not even want to be around him.

to answer ur biggest question, have i cheated? yes. had a stoopid 2 month thing w a younger guy, had developed a crush on a friend, and have an old boyfriend i talk to every now and then, and 2 guys i met online i talk to at times. one has become a great friend also, the other i have little interest in jus like the attention i guess. oh btw, these are EA no PA except w the younger guy. sounds horrible i know but i am jus being honest. my gosh i feel like such a horrible person.

When was your adultery with the "younger man" and has your H been told about all your affairs? you can't very well rebuild a marriage based on lies and deceit. Honesty has to be the first step.

Do your daughters know about your adultery? Do they understand why you are separated from their dad? To seek your "happiness?"

When was the affair?

How did you meet the OM?

You can have a good shot at recovery but you will need to go NC with all of the OM.

Are you in NC?

Sounds like with your depression problem, your erratic job history, your indulgence in sleeping all the time, just up and quitting work and serial infidelity, you might want to look at what is broken within you rather than claiming your H's shortcomings drove you to this. You seem to have little insight into your role in causing these marital problems. You should seek treatment for your depression if you have not already done so. Treatment for a proclivity for cheating and freeloading might help,as well.

From what I can see. you use this as the basis for your decisions. at least 1 year of him "pushing you away". Just how did he do this? You were cheating on him before you left him. Now you are going to have him move in while you are having multiple affairs (EA or PA doesn't matter). But you are OK with using him for his money. I'll bet you even let him think that he has a chance of reconciling with you. Is there anything TRUE in your life at all?

Lets see how this would sound if you were truthful. "Honey, first I want to tell you that I have and am having multiple affairs. One of them was physical before I left you. The ones I have now will have to play themselves out. I don't love you anymore, but I am in such dire straights that I am willing to let you move in so I can use you for your money. This is making me miserable though, thinking of you being here and impeding my freedom to do what I want."

That is what the truth is. You have two girls who are watching you......EVERYTHING YOU DO. Do you think they are stupid? Do you think that you can have all these men without them knowing. Let me explain things real simple for you.

Your cheating and your pushing your husband away, will cause them major self esteem issues. They need their father desperately. Even more because their female role model is selfishly looking for their fathers replacement. The absence of their fathers physical presence and love will start them looking to fill that hole with love from boys and then men (only they will have ulterior motives). I would not be surprised if you had an absent father or limited physical affection from him. If you continue down this road you will be setting up your daughters to follow in their mothers foot steps. They will be more likely to drop out of school, be promiscuous, drink and take drugs and of course have babies outside of marriage.

What advice can I give? Stop cheating, work on your marriage and your family. But you sound like a narcissist who needs to get her ego stroked and will likely do as you damn well please, regardless of the destruction left in your wake. This may sound harsh. But you asked for opinions.

You came here asking for advice - and I think you want to hear that you shouldn't have asked your husband to live with you.

Wrong.

I think your husband should have asked you to leave until you have gotten rid of your

MULTIPLE BOYFRIENDS.

He should cut off all financial help to you, because you are using him to support your addiction to men and the single life while you are MARRIED.

You don't really want responsibility - and you show that by quitting a job that was helping to support you and your children. You should have seen the writing on the wall when your hours were cut - and your husband has absolutely nothing to do with that. Your marriage has absolutely nothing to do with that. And your "feeeeeellllinnnggs" have absolutely nothing to do with that. Sorry, but you are whining about all of the things that your husband has to do with this, about how you don't love him anymore, and the truth of the matter is:


you have done everything you can do to alienate your affection from your husband

you are talking to other men
you are sleeping with other men
you are becoming emotionally involved with other men
you are carrying on involved friendships with other men


And you fully expect your feeeeeellllings toward your husband NOT to be affected?

Get real.

You cannot look inside of yourself and find anyone to blame in this but yourself.

These are harsh words, I know. But to tell you anything but the truth would be a complete disservice. I could tell you, "Oh, poor baby. You don't love your husband anymore."

But the truth is that you CAN recover your marriage! And you CAN find your love for him again.

It begins with you understanding that your own behavior with other men is the primary contributing factor of the downgrading of your love toward your husband.

That is fact.

And the way to rebuild your loving feelings with your husband and to find him attractive again is to begin by following the concepts on this website - Marriage BUILDERS. Fill out the emotional needs questionnaires, both of you, and start trying to fill each other's needs.

You need to immediately end all contact with every man you have had any type of affair with. IMMEDIATELY END ALL CONTACT. I don't care if you are "just friends". You no longer have those friends, and will never have them again. You are not to be trusted with those friends, or that type of friend again. You will learn more later.

And from now on, you and husband live together and spend 15 hours together of quality time - on filling emotional needs.

And call the Harleys. Get a grip on yourself - you are a mess, and you need guidance. Now.

SB

truthhurtsme, you didn't even have to admit at the end of your post that you had an affair. It was patently obvious in the first paragraph. Cute how you tried to minimize it as if it had nothing to do with your separation. People separate over affairs, they don't separate over pedestrian marital problems because one can't very well fix a marital problem if they aren't there. The fact that you LEFT instead of working on the problem and the fact that you say "I love him but am not in love with him" tells the whole story. You wouldn't KNOW if you weren't "in love" with him unless you had a point of comparison.

The answer to marital problems is to work to turn it around, not to leave, so it is obvious to me you abandoned your marriage to conduct an affair. I know the story has been spun very differently, though.

You feel like the "bad guy" for good reason. You know what you have done. And so do I. You left your H for an affair and are allowing him back only so you can take his money. You have destroyed those girls' family for an affair. There is alot of wreckage in your path, truthhurts.You should feel bad.

And now you are asking him back so you can manipulate him some more without telling him the truth about his life. The selfishness, manipulation and deceit is breathtaking. And it has to STOP if you want to turn this around. You will never find happiness being BAD while destroying the lives of others. Happiness is the result of being GOOD, not being bad.

Deceit does not make a bad marriage good. Honesty is the solution, not more lies and not more manipulation.

I like how you spin the story to blame the poor marriage and then just throw in the affairs at the end, but it doesn't fool me. That is like blaming the ugly paint in the girls bathroom on the sinking of the Titantic. it was the adultery that sunk your marriage, not the problems in your marriage. There is absolutely nothing your H has done that is as damaging as your adultery. That is the worst thing you could have ever done to your husband and your daughters.

And they all need to know what you have done to them and why. Your H deserves to know the truth about your affairs and so do your daughters. You are teaching your own daughters that it is acceptable to destroy their family and wreck lives for your "happiness."

The pursuit of your "happiness" does not entitle you to screw up your kids lives and your marriage.

That you are "not happy" is not sufficient reason to destroy their family and they need to know what you have done is WRONG. Teaching kids that anything is ok as long as it makes me "happy" destroys their sense of right and wrong.

What do you plan on telling them some day when they say "it makes me happy" to use drugs or "it makes me happy" to give blow jobs to my class mates? That is what you are teaching your kids.

Honesty is the solution, truthhurts, not more lies and not more adultery. You will NEVER find happiness this way. You will only have the deepest regret of your life. True happiness can be had in your marriage, but the first step has to be HONESTY. Your H needs to know the truth about his life. He and your DD's have a right to know about your adultery and why you broke up their family.

So yes, you are the bad guy. In this case, feelings are truth. But, you have the power to change that. The first step is HONESTY.

Yes, Melody has it right re the effect on the kids. My XW has behaved much as you are doing, having multiple affairs, moving out and continuing her affair in front of my 3 young daughters. They are confused as hell and she has no crdibility with them to discipline their own behaviors. It is so incredibly selfish.
There were two people in your marriage and I would bet your husband has an even longer list of dissatisfaction than you do. But, he chose to remain faithful. You've grabbed all his alleged deficiencies and tried to justify your cheating. This is standard operating procedure for a WS. Nothing unique about it.

I Know what you're hearing here is a bitter pill. But I hope you're able to suck it up and hang in there for your families sake.