I posted this in ENs too. I hope this doesn't break cross-posting rules but I thought it would be worth asking the frequent posters here as well since the two forums are quite different.

I was curious who has consulted with them--if it helped. Whether it helped repair/recover the M or if it helped gel in your mind that there was nothing left to do. How many times on average would you say you spoke with one of them and did you feel that one time or even twice, is enough? Did you do it on your own or with your spouse/ex spouse?

Ourhouse - I never consulted with the Harleys. I thought it was too expensive. However I spend about $3,000. in counseling with my WH, while he continued denying the affair. And the counselor believed him.

Then I lost hundreds of thousand dollars by getting divorced.

I'm a long time reader here and I have NEVER heard of anyone who regretted talking to the Harleys. They cut to the chase and can do in one or two sessions what others take years to accomplish.

Thanks Believer. We were actually in counseling all during 2006 while A was going on and counselor seemed to believe the moonshine from H about things being great between us. LOL

I'm cash-strapped right now but I'm going to consider doing a session in March. Would love to have H on board but even if not....

Collect cans, look in the furniture for coins, get a parttime job, whatever you have to do.

I don't blame our counselor, because even our first attorney believed my WH. And most counselors are not trained in infidelity.

However, since then, you can bet I've sent the counselor LOTS of MB stuff.

HIGHLY recommend the H's phone coaching. My wife and I had 9(if I remember right) appointments together over 3 months.

Find a way to make it happen!

DO IT! Find a way to do it. We are doing it now and it does cost a fortune but we would rather try to repair from here than split. It would be both emotionally and financially expensive to split. This is not easy to get over and repair but talking with Steve, putting a plan for myself in action and WH doing the same has been life and M saving.

If only for yourself try and make it happen.

I talked with Steve alone half a dozen times during my FWH's affair. He gave me simple, straight-forward coaching on what to say, what to do. Some of it seemed pointless to me, but I did it anyway.

I asked my FWH to speak with Steve to help ME deal with what the A was doing to me. In two phone sessions, Steve convinced him to try the MB weekend. We attended 3 weeks later. PA had ended by then, although he continued to talk to OW for another 6 weeks after that. Guess the program made sense to him, as he dumped her completely in fairly short order.

After that, it slowly came together.

I credit those sessions with opening the door to our recovery. Over time, practicing MB principles has made our M ROCK!

And even if it were only me at first, it could still be helpful? I feel as though things are going from bad to worse. He's withdrawing and I'm really angry about a lot of things. Not a good combination!

The answer is yes it would help. He will set you on a path that makes sense to your situation. I mean it when I say that I would be a blabbering freak by now if we had not started with him. We spoke separately for several sessions and now we started doing them together with one set back last week when I refused (my bad, I had a bad experience with WH and took off).

Steve is amazing. I hear they all are but he is the only one I know. He gets it and he knows what needs to happen.

Me too. Spent $130/session for about 20 sessions for over 1 year. The counselor believed my husband too. He vehemently denied the affair was still going on....despite my gut telling me that it was. If I had the money I would definitely get consultation from the Harleys. We are doing the home study course now.

We counsled weekly for about a year and 1/2 plus went to a MB weekend. I have no doubt that if we had not, we would be divorced today.

I should add that we went to another counselor for 6 months prior and she was awful for us!

Thanks, sad. I'm glad to hear he was a help to you. We've seen three MCs over the years and they were all fairly useless to varying degrees. Not terrible but not all that great. Until I found this website and read HNHN, the entire relationship dynamic, and my part in where we are today, just didn't jell.

I have no idea how just one hour will help but right now, one hour is all I can afford. If that. I doubt H will want to join me--he doesn't want to hear much about this website, the Harleys, Marriage Builders, etc., at all right now. But I know I have to let him know before I make the call so he can choose what he wants to do. Who knows, maybe he'll want to do this while he's away. I wonder if we can do a 3 way conference?

First things first--I've got to find the $$$$.

ETA: Sure wish they took insurance!

I wish they took insurance too. But I was so desperate when I called, I didn't care about that.

I remember thinking I was N-U-T-S for even considering counseling on line! But at that point, I had nothing to lose that I hadn't lost already. Desperate times called for desperate measures. God guided that decision, I'm sure, now.

I highly recommend talking to Steve (or Jennifer) alone if H doesn't want to participate.

Spouse NOT required to get good, solid, concrete advice.

Apart from the weekend, it was the best money we ever spent.

I'm STILL amazed that such great advice is available on the Internet, when there are SO many counselors in everybody's home town...most of them ineffective, if you can believe all the postings here.

DO IT. Pinch from the grocery money if you have to.

Seriously.

My husband and I have been meeting with Steve twice weekly since April 2008. We are barely crawling because H
l. heart isn't in it
2. "loves" the other woman
3. Never loved me
4. has no desire for physical intimacy with me
5.has to be told and reminded, reminded and reminded what to do.
6. has a lifestyle of letting others tell/do what needs to be done so he doesn't have to act.
7. doesn't desire to interact with me on any emotional needs

Despite this, he is staying with it because Steve says
cart before the horse - feelings come after action
best case scenrio would be to be in love with the mother of your children
the OW no contacted him!

I believe we are the exception, not the rule. H wants to end the expense with falling business/economy, but since he spent over $50,000 on the OW out of our personal and business funds, I'm not letting him quit yet, only cutting down.

After 11 months of MC, tonight my husband says, while he's not ready to engage me, he feels he is coming back to earth after all the turmoil. We are going very slowly because we only have one partner really endeavoring. Most couple have 2 partners desiring healing. If that's you, go for it and spend the $$. Steve hasn't given up on us and you could not be as bad off as us.
Key: actually do what he recommends wholeheartedly!

Best Wishes

sounds like you are trying everything, and your husband is still attending and hanging there. If he was totally done, he would not continue with the counseling. Sounds like he does follow instructions.