I just saw this post. Yelling at you and calling you names is abusive and should be addressed with him. Are you withdrawn from him? Is that why you are so urgent to find friends outside of the marriage? What is going on in your marriage that you can't get your needs met there?

But telling him he is "controlling" is very annoying especially when it is YOU who is trying to control him by bending him to your wishes. Women have overplayed that card so badly that no one takes it seriously anymore. It is the usual refrain of women whose husbands object to their independent behavior. I tried to manipulate my H with it for years.


Why was he not invited? Is there a reason you would accept such an invitation that excluded your husband?

He is American and am african. This is not a culture issue at all. I feel that he is insecure and he just wants me for himself. What suprises me is the reasons he gives me for not wanting me to have friends. Which i have no problem with and i do love him and i want him happy and us happy. But i have never been in a relationship that somebody tells the other they can't have friends.

He was invited but he didn't want to come. And he assured me it was ok for me to go. I don't see anything wrong with that.

I am not controlling at all. When i have a thought in my mind i do tell my husband. For instance wanting to have a friend. He said it was ok and when i found a friend, and told him that i am going to meet the friend i meet, he said it was ok. The day the meeting was supposed to talk place he flipped out, saying that maybe this friend wants money yelling and throwings things around the house. If he would have told me in a calm voice i don't feel right you going to meet this person and i suggest its good we look for friends together or if he would have offered to come with me that would be different. But the way he handles everything is by yelling and through things around the house, such that i have no say but shut up. Well i did cancel the meeting with the person i was going to meet to please my husband but he is still mad at me. He always tries to make me feel qulity for everything even where he has gone wrong. I do acknowledge my mistakes and i ask for forgivens. Am not saying am holy than thou.

How did you meet your husband? If you don't mind me asking?

Charlotte

I do mind you asking because that's not the issue at hand. Thanks.

Touchy subject?

Sure it is. I'm trying to find out why he is acting this way and if you knew him well before you married him.

Your case reminds me a LOT of a similar case...just from what little you have written.

Charlotte

Shule, I am completely confused by your situation and think there is probably something you are not telling us. First off, your husband is obviously mentally imbalanced if he behaves like this with absolutely no triggers. This is extremely abusive behavior yet you don't even mention it or focus on that in your first post. You ask about making friends when you know it triggers your H.

Secondly, you told us that he had no issue whatsoever with dropping you off at your friends house for dinner so that means he is not bothered about some situations, just others. You don't tell us what the difference IS.

The only thing I can suggest is that you call the police the next time he goes through the house yelling and throwing things. Have him thrown in jail. I don't know what else to tell you, because none of this makes any sense to me.

On a superficial level, with only the snippets of fact so far presented (admittedly not all of them--and there could be things untold that would change my opinion, if I knew them...), I read this is an abusive situation--at least in the making--with a steady escalation of demands likely to follow as time goes on. Isolating one's partner from others is a common first step in these situations, and if that's the case, POJA isn't going to help at all.

Now I admit that I'm not the POJA expert, by any means. If my husband and I waited to do each thing until we implemented the POJA, we'd get virtually nothing done, since we rarely agree on anything. But even where POJA is an option, this doesn't really strike me as the right place to try it.

JMO.

tl

tl, you are right that POJA is not appropriate for an abusive situation, but she did not throw that in until the end.


Yes, that is usually how POJA starts. No one just jumps in as a POJA expert, they have to LEARN how to do it. And nothing is done until there is mutual enthusiastic agreement. That is a motivating factor to find a solution. I figure if I can learn to do it without blood on the floor, anyone can.

The benefits of POJA are astonishingly beneficial to a marriage, though, because a person is basically FORCED to consider the others feelings before doing anything. It is an excellent tool.

tl, in other words, if the man is insecure and mentally imbalanced, the answer is not to do things that AGGRAVATE that insecurity, but to GET HIM PSYCHIATRIC HELP or to separate.

The last thing I would do if my H was abusive and triggered by my having friends is to go out of my way to trigger him.

Totally agree Charlotte,

Shule,

You came here asking for advice and help, yet you refuse to answer simple questions on an anonymous board. Mel is right, if you are in an abusive M call the police.

Otherwise, why not answer the question. I have the distinct feeling that if your H were to post here he would have a very different story to tell.

You are being evasive for a reason.

Thank you, SWW,

ITA with your post also!

Charlotte

That I agree with. I'm a health-care professional of fairly-advanced years...and this guy, if he is just as he's being described, doesn't sound "right".

tl

Shule-

Dear Abby addressed a similar situation in a relationship in today's paper. A young woman thought that her boyfriend was being overly possessive because he would follow her if she went to the store.

Here's a link to it.

http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/

In her response she posted the signs of an abusive relationship.

Your H seems to fit several of the signs.

Here are a couple that stand out based on what you posted (I abbreviated them, there's more at the link)

2. JEALOUS: Excessively possessive;...

3. CONTROLLING: ...insists you ask permission to go anywhere or do anything.

4. UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: Expects you to be the perfect mate and meet his or her every need. (He expects you to only have him as your ONLY friend and vice-versa)


5. ISOLATION: Tries to cut you off from family and friends; ...

Please look at this with the advice of the MB folks and someone who has given advice for decades. This is not a healthy relationship.

Well I'm quite advanced in my years as well. And my w had many opposite sex friendships as well. It wasn't a threat to our M because she had total control of herself.


That is until my Dr. dx me with HPV.

I guess I should check into a mental H for my uncontrolable jealouslness.

After all, it's insane

J

eta: I was called controlling by MC after it all went down.

PERFECT: for my ww that is, not so for me!!!!

Don't matter. She's gone.

She doesn't like it when people challenge her and don't tell her what she wants to hear and ask uncomfortable questions.

See ya' Shule.

Yeah, I was thinking that same thing.

And hey...the question about how long she knew her husband before they married was a pretty darn benign question, IMO.

Charlotte

Yea, you got that too SWW.

Good for you.. I fear alot of others don't............

Jerry