about 2yrs ago my husband told me he was sleeping with someone else we cried we talked then just went back to way we were before the affair,recently i found out he was still sleeping with her and had been for quiet a while he moved out.we have been married for 10yrs together for 17yrs we have 3 kids,we tried to work it out but he told me he doesnt love me anymore and has feelings for the ow,that was about 2 months ago i want him back so i did all the usual stupid things we do when hurt and realised it was getting me no where he might be moving back in but in other room and we are going to co parent the kids together they understand whats going on but its hard on them too so i do what ever i can to make it easier for them including having him back in the house.he still sees her as he works with her and still goes to her house he says they are just friends at the moment he doesnt want to jump from one relationship to another but its a big possibitly he will end up with her thats what he wants he says anyway.her husband left her after the first time the affair was expossed so she has nothing to lose now and is happy to sit back and wait for him.how on earth do i stop this from happening and get him to love me again i have read so many books and yes iam getting myself together but i just dont think its going to be enough
anyone with any ideas please help iam at my wits end.

thanks for reading sorry its so long it feels good to get it out.

Hi Tobe

Welcome to MB and sorry to hear of your anguish. You are at the right place now, there are lots of folk with experience that will offer a shoulder and great advice as you work your way through this.

It would be fab if H could move back in with you. Are you aware of plan A?

Have added the link to Surviving an Affair in case you haven't seen it.

surviving infidelity

The vets on here will find you soon and give you all the nods in the right directions you need

ST

tob, I would get ahold of Surviving an Affair as quickly as you can so you can understand the dynamics of the affair. You should be in Plan A, which is:

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A


The carrot of Plan A

Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.


The stick of Plan A

Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.

Have you exposed his affair? Exposure is your most powerful weapon against the affair. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so exposing them causes great damage. Here is what Dr. Harley, founder of Marriage Builders says about exposure:

"I'm in the process of rewriting "Surviving an Affair" to add information about plan B. Some of the main points are as follows:

Whether in plan A or B, the world should know about your husband's affair. All of your relatives, your friends, your children, and the licensing board for your husband's lover. In some states a licensing board will revoke a license if a counselor is having an affair with a married person, client or not. This is because it's well known that affairs hurt families, especially children. And counselors know better than to have an affair.

The reason for the wide exposure is not to hurt the unfaithful spouse, but rather to end the fantasy. Your husband's secret second life made his affair possible, and the more you can to to make it public, the easier it is for him to see the damage he's doing. Keeping it secret does damage, but few know about it. Making it public helps everyone, including the unfaithful spouse and lover, see the affair for what it really is.

<snip unrelated>

When I first started recommending openness about an affair, I wasn't sure what would happen. But I did it because I knew it was the right thing to do. Now I know that for most couples it marks the beginning of recovery."

thank you and yes the affair has been exposed but i really dont think it worries him the first time he told me if i had all this info it would have been different but i just tried to forget about it this time iam doing everything possible to save my marriage but he says its too little too late

thank you for repling it feels better to no ther is others out there and have got thur it

Who knows about the affair? Has it been exposed at work? Do your children know?

And I take it they still work together? Is she married?

his family and mine know and yes the kids know i dont think anything would happen if his work knew and yes they still work together her marriage was over about 2yrs ago when it first came out

he has been looking at different work but i dont think he wants to leave there cause he wont see her everyday anymore and he wants to keep seeing her so am i trying in vain

It would help quite a bit if you exposed the affair at work. Affairs thrive on secrecy and exposure ruins them. I would send a certified letter to Human Resources and cc your H's boss, the OW's boss and a key VP. [I will give you a template below]

Also, how do you know that the OW's H knows? How do you know they are divorced? Have you spoken to him so you can team up to kill the affair?

Workplace exposure letter by BritsBrat:

To Whom It May Concern:

This letter is to bring a matter to your attention that may be a violation of your Company's Code of Conduct and/or other policies, procedures and business ethics.

WS and WS are involved in an extramarital affair that is taking place, primarily, in the workplace. Aside from the potential sexual harassment claims this situation presents, it also involves the inappropriate use of company resources and assets. WS and WS are using company time and company resources to further their affair. If you check the call histories on their office and cell phones along with their workstation computers, you will find the two of them are spending an inordinate amount of what should be productive work time to further their sexual relationship.

If you have any questions, please call me at xxx-xxxx. Otherwise, I will anticipate a response from you once you have investigated these concerns and taken appropriate corrective action.

Regards,

BS
_________________________

How do you know this? Who told you? And what do you mean "OVER?" I am sure that is what your H says about your marriage. So what does that mean?

yes i know for sure her marriage is over because he lives in other state with other woman now and where they work is not an office its more like a factory so i really dont think anything will be done everyone sleeps with everyone in that place

thank you to everyone iam signing out for the night will check in again tomorrow

The point of exposure at work is not to make them "do something" but to expose the affair. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so exposure can cause huge conflict when others are watching them.

Hi TBHA, sorry you are here. None of us BS's ever wanted to be here but it is a great place, and you'll learn a LOT.

ML gives great advice for those in your situation so listen well. She really wants the best for you, even though she won't pull any punches.

Just a couple of questions.

Your WH's parents know about the continuing A? How do they feel about that and the terrible efect this will have on their grandchildren? Can't they put some pressure on him to end the A and return home to properly work on the M?

Also, it seems unusual that the OW's M broke up because of her A with your WH 2 years ago, yet she hasn't pushed for him to move in with her, or at the very least the A hasn't progressed? She has lived alone for 2 years? It certainly doesn't sound that it has progressed much if he is considering moving back in to the family home. She can't be all that for your WH, and mustn't be meeting all his EN's.

It sounds as thugh you'll have a good chance to get this M working of you develop a good plan, and follow all the advice you'll get here.

Good luck.

his parents know they dont agree with what he has done but they want him to work it out for himself,and the affair ended for a while after he first told me but nothing changed so about 5 months later it started again,she just goes running to him whenever he wants and has told him its all up to him if he wants to be with her i have told her to back off but she wont and she still messages him and he hides it from me wont leave his phone around so i know its still going on on some kind of level i believe him when he says hes not sleeping with her but i know they still share a connection and that hurts just as much

what do i he doesnt love me or want me anymore he wants her i feel powerless iam trying everything i can but its not working he has almost moved back in he is here most days and nights but still sees her he said hes not sleeping with her at the moment but has told me he wants to be with her but doesnt want to jump from our 10yr marriage to another relationship he wants time alone but wont stay away from her and she is doing all she can to not pressure him telling him its all up to him but shes waiting for him how do i compete with that.
help me please

Welcome to MB, sorry that you find yourself here.

Do you have children?

I see you just registered today, have you been to this site before? Read any of the articles?

Expose his actions to family, friends, work colleagues.

Read the articles at Q&A and Article at the very top of this page to repair your marriage.

Remember, no angry outbursts, disrespectful judgments.

Alright Miss downunder....so sorry you are in such a tuff spot...
This is a great place to get some help...

It will not be easy and as bad as it is now you can count on more of it before it gets better.... BUT THERE IS HOPE...

I would start by reading Surviving an Affair....it's a great book that Dr. H. wrote and it's the bible on how to work your way thru this... You can order it thru this web site...

You can read some of the book here at this web site for free I thing.... I'll look for it after I finish this...

There is a step by step process to attacking this

1. get evidence of the affair

2. expose the affair to friends, parents , other spouse,

3. put your "Plan A" in place ...look up what that is on this sight them you will understand....


4. Tell you husband you want him to wrie an non-contact letter to the other woman(OW).....


All this is part of the first steps to recovery...The book does a much better job of explaning this than I can ever write to you... so get it and read it !!!!

Your husband is in a fog right now and the way you get him out of it is to expose the affair to everyone you can( affairs die in the light...) Be positive and show him what a great wife you are and what a great familly he'll be giving up if he continues on his path.....


You can count on the fact that He is still seeing the OW... "He wants time alone" ...that's code for he's spending time with the OW......Use that to get proof that he can't deny...cell phone records, text messages, e-mails...get a friend to follow him or a PI to do it ...

This evidence will give you the facts you need to confront him....Of course if he has all ready admitted to the affair then you may not have to go to this extreme.....I had to for my wife....

Take it one step at a time don't give up !!!!