Hello again,
Its been a while since I posted and all but gave up on this site and my marriage. I am not sure what has led me back here but here I am.

Long story short. W and I have been separated since Sept 2008. Spent 6 months in counseling prior to separation, supsected W was having an EA and possible PA with former coworker. Tried a trial separation (I know that is discouraged against here but we felt we tried everything), 3 months into separation W said things are over for good, she still denied PA, says that we just can't make it work and so for both of our best interest and long term happiness that we need to end it and move on. We have two daughters 11 and 19 and we were M for 13 years. We are not divorced and neither of us have filed for D yet. She has admitted to dating former coworker after our separation but according to here there is nothing serious. According to her, he has no expectations of her, does not judge her. I honestly have no idea how serious their relationship is.

During the 7+ months we have separated, I have been happy, stress-free, enjoing life. Our 11 year daughter is doing well with things but she is sad and a little bit angry. The separation for the most part was initiated by W and says that her relationship with coworker was as a result of our bad marriage and not the cause of it so this is her justification in her mind.

So why am I here? Well I am hoping for some advice and possibly a good smack up side of the head.

I am not going to lie, I still very much love my W and if she came to me today begging to come back, after I set forth some strong boundaries and a plan to move forward, I would likely accept her back. However, this will never happen. She is too stubborn and this is not in the cards for her. But I just cannot let my feelings for her go. My first question is, when do you know that it is truly over? I am not hoping for a bunch of flaming here but some real assurances here on what I should be doing. Do I want to fight for my W - yes. Do I want to be happily M to her - yes. Do I wish that our family could be one happy family again - yes.


Right now I am torn between fighting for her and letting it go and moving forward with the D.

Part of me wants to continue to fight for her. The other part of me wants to just let it go and move on with my life. I really am not sure what to do. So I am here looking for a little guidance. At this point, my W will not even enterain the idea of any sort of reconcilliation. i am not sure what her true feelings are towards me. She has pretty much shut down with regards to any emotions with regards to the M these last 7 months. As she puts it in order to deal with the separation she has swept all emotions under the rug and is looking at the situation very cognitively.

I am considering sitting down with her and asking her to give us another chance, start at the beginning, put the past behind and move on but I have my doubts as to whether or not that will work. I really do not know what to do. Need some help.

Thank you for listening.

Have you done Plan A and B? That would be where to start...

If your wife is still dating her coworker, I would be careful how you phrase things. I'd do with something like a Plan B letter. "HOney, I'm sorry for my part in the problems we've had. I want to be be a better husband. When I married you, I married you for life. I want to create a marriage in which we both can be happy and florish." You can go on to the Plan B part where you cut off all contact until she ends her relationship with OM, or you can leave it at that. I think a written letter or note is the best way to communicate this because she can't answer back immediately. This gives her time to think, leaves the door open, and protects you. In most trouble marriages, a spouse on the receiving end of these statements usually tries to blame the other spouse and generally is defensive, combative, and nasty. You don't need that. You just need her to reflect.

And, really in the scheme of things, 7 months isn't very long.

I have tried to talk to her in the past and have verablized and put in writing my feelings, however, I have broken the cardinal rule and that was I did it with anger in my words, disresepct and judgements.

I really think she would just laugh at another letter from me on this topic. She denied that there was an affair when we were living together but since the separation she has told me that her and the other guy have been seeing each other but nothing is serious. She says that he does not judge her, disrespect her, have any expectations of her and is just easy to be around with no stresses.

How do I compete with that?

Then you do the same, for a period of time. If nothing changes between you, then you move on to Plan B. No lovebusters! Have you read up on Plan A?

I am working on getting up to speed on Plan A. But how do you balance Plan A and being super nice to her and allowing her to enjoy the fact that her and I can get along so great while we are separated. I am beginning to build this reputation that I am a great ex husband but we just can't make things work while we are living together and actively married.

Do I make my intentions known that I am trying to win her back or just Plan A for a while and see where things go? How do I react about the other guy, am I supposed to demand that she break it off? If so how does one even begin to do that?

How long does Plan A typically last?

I believe Plan A is recommended for six months. Some here have gone longer and some shorter.

Harley's Plan A & B

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

The above seems to fit your WW. Under your circumstance where you are separated and she is with other man you may want to consider Plan B.

GG

I would plan A for about two months and then plan B. She already has her lover, she needs to see you can be that person for her. But don't do it so long that it harms you...if you feel that happening, go to plan B. Read other's posts that have been there and successfully.

Update here. I talked with W last night and told her that I wanted to try and save M. She asked to think about it which surprised me. I was expecting a million reasons from her why that was not going to happen but she asked a few questions and asked for some time. We are going to talk some more on Sunday. When we were done and I left, we hugged which was nice and a bit of a surprise. I have planted the seed and she knows that I am ready to fight for this M. It will be an up hill battle but I am ready. Plan A seems to be working nicely so far although it has only been a few days.

I have cross posted on GQ II so we likely abandon this posting but if you want to follow along under GQ that's where I will be hanging out for the time being.

Thank you all for your support.