DTP,

Don't let regret about the past ruin the present and the future. Focus on today. You've made your decision. I think it would be easier for you if you decided that you would continue on the path of permanent separation and divorce for a minimum of a year. You can reevaluate then. Right now, your job is to recover your dignity.

I did manage to recover my dignity while continue to live with my husband, but it took six years. I regret not having separated for at least a year, even though we are still married today. I also think our marriage would be better today if I had been willing to separate.

What I'm trying to say is, at least in my opinion, you did the right thing. I remember telling myself, "If you have to choose between your marriage and your dignity and you choose your marriage, the result will be you lose both."

Cherished

DTP,

Please keep letting us know how you are doing.

Cherished

Hi Cherished,

My mother has been sick recently, but is starting to feel a bit better.

She should be posting soon.

Thanks for the concern

Take good care of her. Health can definitely be affected by stress. I sense that she has the same commitment to marriage as permanent no matter what that I do, and she could feel guilty about separating. Reassure her that she needs time apart no matter what, even if her husband had a conversion like St. Paul. She needs time to heal.
Cherished

Thank you, everyone, specially SonOfDTP, for your support and prayers. Thank God for my sons. They took good care of me and continue to show me unconditional support and love. I am feeling better now physically. Still have good days and bad days. Had a conference with H and our lawyers, that was stressful and my H's behavior validated why I had to leave him. I still have to start working on the asset and liability worksheet. Am continuing therapy, reading books, antidepressant, and will start with group therapy. Many times, I wish I had a direct line to God. I know, I know, it's called prayer. It would be nice though if we could actually hear His voice!

DTP,

One thing I have told myself over and over is that I have human dignity. Focus on that -- what you want is what every human being deserves. The man who vowed to cherish you didn't even treat you with the dignity that is the right of every human being.

Cherished

I thought that once I left, my mood would rise in a linear fashion, but there are many times when I feel sad and guilty. Sad at the broken marriage, guilty and ashamed for not having boundaries and for letting him walk all over me. But, I was scared of him--isn't that enough reason? There are times when I feel lonely and alone and have to remind myself that I was lonely and alone even when I was with my husband. One thing that is good nowadays is I don't have to listen to my H talk on the phone with his OWs, or have to wait up for him, or give him my money, or keep track of his Viagra pills. But I still hear his voice in my head and still blame myself for his abuse. My T says it will take time, that my healing will come, in time. I joined a group of abused women and I could give all the answers. Our group moderator even said that I could actually give lectures. Maybe, in the future, I could help someone, with my story.

I'm so glad to hear you are doing well! Thank you for updating us!

I think it is an excellent idea for you to give lectures; think how many lives you could change - lives like yours used to be.

But for now - STOP that stinkin' thinkin'! You are NOT to blame! For what? Being too nice? Giving him the benefit of the doubt? Trusting him to be a decent human being? For Being a Giver?

Look at it this way. You leaving is the ONLY way he may ever come to his senses and turn his life around. So you have done him the ultimate favor by removing yourself.

{{{DTP}}}

DTP,

You were in an abusive situation for a long time, and it will take time for you to heal. When my husband was so nasty to me, I used to tell myself, "Not even Ted Bundy deserves to be treated like this." Ted Bundy was a serial murderer. It was the start of my realizing that there is nothing, absolutely nothing, I could have done to deserve the treatment I was given.

Be gentle with yourself. Treat yourself with care.

I'm not so sure about a group for abused women. What I found is that you just rehash events that are best left behind. You have the rest of your life before you. I became friends with a woman from my work, and after I quit work to stay home, she told me about her husband being abusive. She told him she was divorcing him, and he injured her so badly she needed surgery. She just sank lower and lower and lower. She went to a therapist and she got medication for anti depressents and she dwelt on her past. She ended up dropping her land line and gave me her cell phone number. About a month after that, I tried calling her, and the phone was disconnected. I haven't heard from her since. This is a woman whom I spoke with at least a dozen times a year for more than five years. It's so sad.

Outside of my immediate family, I don't talk to anyone on a day to day basis who is familiar with what happened years ago. It has faded into the past. Our youngest was just a baby when my husband had an affair and broke my arm, and I have told her that she was just the best baby, and she cheered me up when Dad had a girlfriend and hurt me. It's been my way to let her know the family secret in a way that makes her feel special, and really, that adorable little baby was such a light in my life.

Don't get stuck. You are alive. You have at least one child who is supportive of you. Focus on what is positive in your life. Limit the dwelling on the past to specific times -- and live!

Cherished

Thank you to everyone, especially to SonofDTP, for your support and advice. I know that I am healing, and my mind is more peaceful since leaving my WH. I sleep better, I eat only what I want to eat, I surround myself with things that give me joy. I hang out with my sons and I thank God daily for the gift of my sons, my greatest blessings. They are wonderful, compassionate, lovable and loving persons, kind and good to the women in their lives. The times of feeling lonely are getting shorter and shorter. I am finding that I like my own company. I will learn to be more patient with myself and accept the fact that there will be periods when I will feel sad/guilty, etc. and doubt myself. There will be times when I will be petrified, especially when I will be seeing my WH in court. During these times, I will remind myself that I am strong, and reach out to family and friends who understand. Only a strong woman could survive- and leave-- abuse. PLUS-- it's always good to know that my paycheck is not going to my WH's OWomen!

DTP,

I think the most insightful words I have read about love between a man and a woman come from Pope John Paul II who wrote:

"The man loves, and the woman loves in return."

In the case of an abusive and unfaithful husband, what is the wife to do? How can the woman love in return when she is not loved?

She cannot. It's very simple. It's very sad, but that is the truth. He did not love you, as shown by his willingness to be unfaithful and abusive.

Be grateful that your sons have not followed in his path.

Cherished

DTP, you're one of my favorite people now. You have so much going for you.

Hi to everyone,

Just to keep you informed--am settling into my present life. having peace of mind and hanging out with my sons is great!
The only thorns are when i have to do stuff relating to the divorce: paperwork, etc. But, I know God is with me. Thank you all for your support.
DTP

Merry Christmas to everyone. Sorry I have not been in touch for a while. It's been more than a year now since I left my (hopefully soon-to-be ex-husband). I am in a much much better place. People comment I look much younger. The divorce is ongoing. It's a long process, and quite draining emotionally every time there is a court date and I have to face him. But, God is on my side. And I have my family, my friends, including my marriagebuilders support group and my therapist, supporting me.
Thank you for your prayers.

Yay! I'm so glad you let us know how things are going. I am SO happy for you!

Merry Christmas to you, too!

Got my divorce! Freedom is truly beautiful. I am rediscovering myself and finding that life without abuse is, to put it mildly- cool! There are still days when self doubts enter my mind, but I am learning to be patient with myself and to pat myself on the back. Thank you to everyone for your support and prayers. God bless each one of you and keep you safe.