I'm back, just like most of you said I would be.

If you want to read the details on the first part of my story, look at my old thread here: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2197575&page=1

But, I wouldn't bother. It is filled with my excuses for dragging my feet and not following the advice of some of the wise people on this forum.

To quickly bring everyone up to date, D-day was end of Oct 08, D-day 2 was mid december 08. After D-day 2, affair appeared to end for good. I even think it actually did for 2-3 months because our relationship really started to improve. But, about a month ago, we started to stagnate again, and WW has been having more long days at work than usual. OM works at the same university, and is sort of her boss for certain things, but she does not report to him.

At d-day 2, i had to disclose i had access to her email, so they are now being much smarter about hiding their A. I don't have concrete proof that the A has continued, but I need to do something.

I have had a few sessions, back in dec-jan with Steve Harley, and he recommended that I don't expose to their work since we don't have kids and that would just drive her further away.

At this point, I just feel like inflicting the greatest possible pain on both of their lives, but to do that I need real proof. This would include exposing to as many friends and family members and coworkers as possible.

I just feel completely lost at this point. Other than feeling lost, I can't describe the rest of my emotions right now. I guess despair would be the closest.

maybe i need a PI at this point, i don't know....

i guess i just need someone to talk to right now. please help.

TC9

She is in contact with him again. You know that and you don't need proof. Stand up for yourself.

I looked at your other thread but just skimmed through it. Do you have kids? If not I would run like he77 away from her. You deserve so much better than the crap she is giving you now.

If you want to save your marriage then you need to blow this A up. You have been in contact with OM W. I would call her first and then expose to everyone.

I saw that MyRev had posted to you in your other post. I wish I had listened to him sooner. It took me a long time and many tries to finally grow the balls and stand up for myself. He says it like it is so listen to him.

If you run away I would take them down too. Just to stick it to her.

It's really your call now. What do you want?

I'm here totally. I'm sorry you are hurting. I don't know your sitch at all so any advice wouldn't be in your best interest.

I am here for you to keep talking or posting if you like.

She works with him, so she can argue any contact is work related. I can easily just leave, but I'd like to leave with proof to expose to their work. Her work is the most important thing in the world to her, so I think she needs to feel what is like to have her world come crashing down like mine has.



yep, no kids



already exposed to WW's family, my parents, and OMW back in November/december. Her family thinks thing are fine, and so did I. My mom still doesn't trust her. OMW told me to leave her and OM alone after I sent her some of their emails on D-day 2.



yes, definitely. If her co-workers found out, she would quit out of shame. And the job, a residency actually, is the culmination of 8+ years of college and grad school. She is doing research and working on getting published, so leaving right in the middle would be the worst possible situation for her.


i guess i want to go to plan B before I call things off for good. IF i did do plan B, i expect to never see her again, but it can't hurt to try i guess.

what part of my sitch would you like to know?

We starting dating 8 years ago and got married last summer.

Screw OMW. Let her know whats going on anyway. Send her an email with what you know. If she wants to turn away and live her life as it is so be it but I would assume your POSOM would find out she knows.

Before you run away and leave her make sure you blow her job and everything she has up.

What about WW parents? Why haven't you exposed to them. My WW parents were some of the best people I exposed to. WW hated that her parents thought of her a disappointment.

Is there anyway you can scope the situation during these long hours??

Well, get what you need and do it. Don't keep that crap inside. It's bad for your health. Don't keep their secret for them. I came close to ending up in the hospital keeping that crap inside.

Hire a PI, if you can afford it. That way he/she can do the legwork. Wish you lived here, I had a fantastic PI for a matter totally unrelated to WS-Gray's infidelity.

Any PI worth his/her salt will inform you about fees up front and work closely with you to make sure your money doesn't get wasted. The crappy ones will just run up your bill and then try to justify it to you.

Good luck,

Charlotte

last time i exposed to OMW, I had email proof they were still going at it. Even then she asked me to stay away. This time, I have no proof, so she would never believe me. All I would be doing was tipping my hand that I know something is still going on. I want a big explosion, so any hint that I know will likely cause them to cool down for a bit and be even more careful.

The only "proof" i have right now is that she stayed at work until after 9 after she told me at 6 that she would be leaving soon. This week, she is on-call 24 hrs a day and can't be more than 1/2 hour from work. Since we love an hour away, she is staying with a friend closer to work. Since I suspected that she would not come at a reasonable time, i staked out her building, and watched as she left. Coincidentally, he left the building less then 5 minutes after her. So, I would call it proof, but an OMW in denial would never believe me.



WW's mother was the first person i exposed to back in november. But after d-day 2, she asked me not to contact her again about this stuff because she is too emotionally invested and doesn't feel she can give me any good advice. WW's parents got divorced because of infidelity on her father's part.

I guess then if I were you I would wait it out and do my best to make you WW lose the job she has worked for and then tell her to F off and move on and find a woman that will treat you right.

You are on the right path. You have no kids and you deserve better than this. Always remember that.

i feel like i am a PI. I have a GPS tracker on her car, and up until a few weeks ago, she didn't go anywhere strange. But lately, she will stop by his building for about an hour on her way home from work. When I see she is there, I start driving hoping to catch them, but I am over an hour away, and by the time i get half way there, she is on her way home.

How should i go about finding a good PI? All i need one for it to take a few photos. they won't need to follow her around all day. Since I can tell when they are together, I would just need someone who can drive over there a take a few photos at a moments notice. But, i doubt anyone would do that.

Yeah, I hear ya'. I remember those days I did that, too. Ugh! I didn't need my friend PI since I knew what was going on anyway, LOL! But I did meet him for lunch to tell him what was going on and stuff. He's cool.

Well, try the internet in your area first. The PI we hired was a cop for 20 years before he was a PI. I think that made a whole lot of difference! So be sure to get their background story. (Not to dismiss anyone who wasn't a cop first before becoming a PI, but I do think it helped.)

Yeah, I doubt it would cost you an arm and a leg since you have such good info about her movements.

Charlotte

Look up PI's in the zip code. Hire one on retainer.

You have no kids, your wife cheated on you months into the marriage (and likely while you dated) plus she's doing it again a few months after getting caught.

You know what to do, but just like last time, your're here hoping someone will agree with your inaction.

I really feel bad for you. I hope you are able to stand up for yourself this time around.

TC9: Sorry about the latest developments. When looking for proof I have a few questions for you about spying:

- does she have a smartphone? If so, check out flexispy.com. Great software and some versions can even use the phone as a remote listening device You can also see all incoming and outgoing phone calls and you get to see EVERY text!
- can you keylog her work computer? I'm assuming you have keylogged your home computer...if not, get that going.
- what about voice activated recorder in her car? Or better yet in her purse(?) Give it a look...
- Do you stop by her work unannounced just to pop in and say "hi"?
- check web for some hidden camera recording devices. Pretty small and cool. You could place one in her office and gather video. I'm betting he visits her...


All this is to gather information to go nuclear with exposure. Think of this as a scorched earth mentality. You got no kids, you worked through this twice...now third time. No mercy my friend. Blow up her world. It's harsh, but help her feel the pain for her infidelity (okay, that's not the best Christian way of approaching this...but you have been hurt...time for an eye-for-an-eye approach)

Keep posting. MB.com-ers are here for you!

I could just leave, but I'd like to get some hard evidence so i can go out in "style." She doesn't deserve to keep on living her perfect little life while I go through agony, and that is what would happen if I just left. I could leave and still expose at her work, but without any proof, she'll have all her colleagues at work thinking I am the crazy one and just making up stuff.

At this point, I am completely checked out, so how does a few more days or a week or two to gather proof hurt?

Other than temporary satisfaction of " Gotcha" , how will the "going out in style with nuclear explosion to plan FU" help you ?
You have been betrayed and you are hurt by it and anger and vengance seems like a great plan right now. I am just wondering how that is in any way productive to your personal or M recovery?
Think about it, you are masking your hurt by focusing on anger. You have a right to be angry but part of you also owes it to yourself to look out for you best LONG term interest and put a plan a montion that helps you.
You know the truth already in your heart, proof or no proof.
IMHO you need to figure out which plan you want, PLan A , PLan B or Plan D.
You say you are checked out and you also say you want to give plan B a shot, which one is it ? decide and focus your energy there.

no, she doesn't have a smartphone. Also, since d-day, she hasn't used her phone to contact him since she knows I can look at the records.

unable to keylog her work computer, plus, wouldn't that be extremely illegal? I'll do a lot of things to find out the truth, but she isn't worth breaking the law and possibly going to jail for spying on a University owned computer.

I have a voice activated recorder in her car, but took it out because I the quality was so low, and the battery life only lasts 6-7 hours.

You mentioned putting on in her purse. Do you recommend one? it would have to be extremely small for her not to notice it.

I'm not sure if he visits her or not, but i doubt it. She just works at a desk in a big lab with other people around, while he has his own office (in another building), so it would be better to put a camera in his office, but i can't get in there. Plus, when they met last night, the both drove over to a completely different building to hook up

What exactly is "style"?

How do you turn another man boinking your wife stylish?

If you're done, walk away. Don't look back. If you want revenge, make sure to dig your own grave as well.

Sounds like you might have the pattern on info you need already to get the actual physical proof. Take the times when she leaves, goes to his building, or when they are leaving and meeting at another location and have either yourself or a pi available for a 4-6 hour block around that time. That way you can get pictures or whatever else you might like.

PI's can be expensive but if you can par down the time by using this type of info it will cost less. But you can certainly do it yourself. I was a PI for sometime (no I was not Police Officer) and it can be quite exhilarating to "stake out" someone. Boring- and exhilarating.

A quick crash course in do it yourself PI
1. A decent video camera, or amatuer level slr camera with a good telephoto lens.
2. KNOW HOW TO USE THEM!
3. Don't use your car, borrow or rent another that she will not recognize.
4. Move the seat into a position that uses the column between the front and back doors for blocking side views when tailing. This also creates shadows on you.
5. keep visors down and interior lights off. Darker the better, including clothing. Same with interior fabric of car. Blend.
6. Park where you can see either her car or the exit she uses from the parking structure. Or his car or building wherever you think you will get them together.
7. DO NOT FOLLOW DIRECTLY BEHIND. It is so annoying to see this done in the movies. You have to give lead time and room or you will get made. But don't let car out of your sight. Be prepared to break traffic rules. Not for the faint of heart.
8. FILM /SHOOT once you are in position. This again means knowing how to use your equipment. There is start up times on most electronics and sleep modes, practice, practice, practice. Also learn how to turn off the red recording light if you use a vid cam.


Also to consider- her coworkers. If they like you, you might be able to squeeze some info or sympathy.

Good luck!