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OP
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I need some help. I have no where to ask except for here. I feel so alone, ashamed,guilty, confused and am becoming depressed. I am a Christian, of 25 years and am 37 years old.
I have been having an affair for 3 years on and off. The other man is married as well. The option of both of us divorcing our spouses is not an option. I dont know how this happened. I know that I have been isolated from my husband of 17 years for the past 7 years. We go to counseling,weput the effort in- he actually acts like he loves me (short lived) and then here we are again on the cycle. We attend church only if I initiate going. I know I cannot divorce my spouse because of my 10 year old and 7 year old. I feel trapped. I am a mess. I put on a happy face for everyone. I have prayed. I have tried to stop the "alone time" with the other man. I love the other man. He is kind,gentle,compassionate, funny and loves me. How can I be so stupid to engage in this behavior when I know I can never have this man? How can I disobey God? I have good weeks then one bad one that sets me way back. I know better. I am so exhausted of feeling unloved in my own home.I would divorce if I didnt have kids. I would rather be alone. But that is not an option...Ihave always been the one who"plays by the rules" and look at me now? I am a complete disaster. I have no one to confide in.
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Welcome. The OM is not too kind gentle and compassionate towards his wife. Of course he probably tells you that she is a shrew who doesn't understand him, blah, blah, blah.
The only answer is for you to have no contact with your affair partner, go through withdrawal, and work on your marriage. It can be turned around, but not with the adultery going on.
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I love the other man. He is kind,gentle,compassionate, funny and loves me. No, you don't truly love each other...Love is a VERB...An action...The actions of the two of you are certainly NOT loving! "Kind", "gentle" and "compassionate" men do NOT commit adultery and DESTROY their wives and families...The "fruits" of your OM certainly do NOT demonstrate the qualities that you've listed... There is but ONE way to get out of this mess...END your affair, have NO CONTACT FOR LIFE with OM and of course you MUST tell your husband...OM's wife must also be told (by your husband, NOT by you)... Are you willing to do these things tinkerbelle? Mrs. W
FWW ~ 47 ~ MeFBH ~ 50 ~ MrWonderingDD ~ 17 Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered
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Well, welcome, I am sorry you are here- but glad you want to learn.
Don't get so beat up that you go away- This is a good first step in getting you real life back
I am glad that you want to make things right.
Good Luck to you
Barbiecat
Last edited by barbiecat; 05/05/09 11:43 AM.
Me; W 46
Him; H 46
2 girls
DD19
DD16
Dated/Married total 28 years.
..I am learning and working on myself.
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thank you barbiecat
I know I need to end the relationship with OM. I guess my fear is being even more alone? Does that make sense?
My H had been using Porn as a crutch several years ago and
to me- thats when our relationhip changed- 7 years ago when I
discovered the dabbling in Porn. I know I am not perfect never have been, but I seriously think I am afraid of ending it with OM and having Zero affection in my life...pretty messed up...
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tinkerbell, if you are not willing to end your affair and tell your husband then there is nothing anyone here can do for you...Are you willing to do these things?
Mrs. W
FWW ~ 47 ~ MeFBH ~ 50 ~ MrWonderingDD ~ 17 Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered
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yes I am or I woulndt be here in the FIRST place!
I have no one.
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How do you know the OM? Do you work together? The option of both of us divorcing our spouses is not an option. That is not your call now. It is your betrayed husband who gets that choice now. You chose adultery. He gets to choose if the marriage survives now. Tell him today. The OM's betrayed wife must be told too.
Last edited by chrisner; 05/05/09 12:07 PM.
Testosterone boys! Testosterone! It ain’t just for nose, ear and back hair anymore!
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He dabbles in porn and you have sex with another christian womans husband to compensate?
Been in counseling WHILE actively having an affair for the past 3 years and expecting things to get better?
Things will not change unless you are willing to tell your husband the truth and then agree to go "No Contact" for life with this other womans husband.
Recovery began 10/07;
Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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yes I am or I woulndt be here in the FIRST place!
I have no one. Okay, great...WHEN are you going to end it and tell your husband? Today sounds good to me...You? Mrs. W
FWW ~ 47 ~ MeFBH ~ 50 ~ MrWonderingDD ~ 17 Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered
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I love the other man. He is kind,gentle,compassionate, funny and loves me.
How "kind" or "compassionate" is he toward his WIFE?
How's that?
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Recovery began 10/07;
Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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How "kind" or "compassionate" is he toward his WIFE? Or your betrayed husband and your children?
Testosterone boys! Testosterone! It ain’t just for nose, ear and back hair anymore!
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I guess my fear is being even more alone? Does that make sense? No, this does not make "sense". Do you fear that you are disobedient to God more than you fear being alone?
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We go to counseling,weput the effort in-
I have tried to stop the "alone time" with the other man.  Here we go again. 
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Unless you are having an adulterous relationship with your pastor .... go to your pastor and confess there first. ASK for guidance. "I have no one" is just a weak and lazy cop out.
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And a hush falls over the crowd.
Testosterone boys! Testosterone! It ain’t just for nose, ear and back hair anymore!
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thank you for the link. I have read this before but needed it again. I am ready to end it permanently.It is hard to put into words what has been going on in my marriage for the past 7 years. I know I am guilty-or I wouldnt be seeking help. The people that have responding hatefully obviously have another motive of their own. I have earned the remarks but the hateful tone is unnecessary. I have to take responsibility for myself.I understand that the emotional connection with OM has been putting a bandaid on my rejection from my spouse of 7 years. Prior to becoming emotionally attached to OM I lost weight, from a size 14 to 8, thinking it was me....for 7 years Ive been thinking there is something physically wrong with ME...not an excuse..just a preface to how I fell into Satan's trap...I was the one who always said...THAT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN TO ME!...I am only responsible for me...not my spouse...
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But have you told your spouse? Nothing matters until you do.
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Hateful? Motives of their own?
It must feel that way but all they are trying to do is get through your fog and make you think. My WH always said the same thing until he did start to think outside his own pitiful, self created situation.
Do not disregard things that make you angry, often they are the most important things to think about.
Tell your H, he needs to know what is really going on in his life.
BW-me-56
FWH-GreenMile-62
Married 1982
2 wonderful grown sons
D Day #1 4/1985
D Day #2 10/03/08
D Days continued for a while.
Started real recovery 07/15/10
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