I have an affair about 5 years agos. Told H and he is willing to forgive me. we have 2 kids and I am willing to stay together for the kids. Have been trying to be attract to him but not to attract to him. Been marry to him 18 years now. I am superficial, he feel my EN when we get marry and now not attract to him. H is a good guy in everyways. But find myself not in love with him. I am lucky he is willing take me back, but find it hard to be physical attract to him. It been 5 years and things have not improve as far as my attraction to him. I am always feel attracted to other men but won't let the affair happen again. I know I can control myself. I don't think my H is happy and neither am I. So why are we still together??? Financially and emotionally and fear of bring alone.

Hi Susun,
welcome to MB.

It is great you are here and shows you want more from your marriage than you are getting. I would like to suggest you ask for your thread to be moved to General Questions 2 as I believe you are far away from a real recovery right now and you will get more and better skilled assistance there.
Weekends are often slow so it may take acouple of days for some responses.

To have your thread moved, click on notify at the bottom of your first post, and ask the moderators to move it to GQ2.

In the mean time have you read the 10 basic concepts, and have you looked at the emotional needs questionairres, identifying yours and your H's top EN's??

Susun,
You were attracted to your H when you married him - what has changed to turn you away from him?

GG

I was emotionally attracted to him. I was emotionally neglected as a child. I was staving for emotionally supports, and he came along and fulfilled my EN. I am in debts to him in many ways. I actually think I marry him b/c of EN. I am not really attracted to him. Did this make senses to you?

Do you take precautions in regards to other men?

Not being alone with them, etc?

Do you spend at least 15 hours a week with your husband?

Yes, I do. I try to avoid bring alone with them and avoid going out to lunch

No, I do not spend enough time with my H. I need to. But it is very difficult, it just seems to hopeless. He doing his things and I do my things. There always seem to be a giant cloud in the room with us.

Can this marriage be save?

Hi Susun,

Can you elaborate a little on your situation? You say you had an affair 5 years ago. How did it end? Have you had no contact with the other person since then? When did you tell your H about it?

Try this. Look at this list, and pick something that you and your husband can start doing together, that you will both enjoy. As you spend this time together, your affection for him will grow.

Read a book together
Take turns picking out a movie to watch
Bring out the board games, at least once a week
Start a solitaire club with some neighbors or friends, play solitaire against each other one night a week or month
Start gardening together
Grow herbs/vegetables/fruits
Take walks
Start a sport together; take classes at a community college, such as racquetball or volleyball
Get bikes and start riding bikes together
Sign up for an MS 150 and train for the bike ride all year
Plan some day trips, start taking one every month
Try out one new restaurant every week, take turns choosing and surprising the other with it
Go to bookstore and get a book like “52 great invitations to sex” in which you both have 26 invitations for a special evening to invite the other one, and you set it up, give the other the invitation (included in book) and then put on the evening
Join an online gaming community together (but don’t get addicted!)
Buy a Wii or Guitar Hero and play together
Give each other foot rubs
Take massage class together and practice giving each other massages
Go back to school together
Get a pet, take it to obedience school and learn to train it (if applicable)
Join a neighborhood dinner club or other club
Volunteer together
Join a church or get more involved in your church
Take a cooking class together and take turns cooking for each other
Go to HGTV.com and pick out a project to do for your house together
Take free classes at Home Depot on how to fix something at your house
Start a business together
Organize a block party
Organize a family reunion
Start working with a financial planner or learn about stocks together
Take dancing lessons together; if you like it, start entering in competitions
Go online for your city and look up 'activities' and 'family' and maybe even 'free' if your city is big enough; subscribe to those websites and go there every month to look for upcoming activities you can all do together; you can find plays, music events, art things, sports things, picnics, etc.

Hi Susun,

Yes this marriage can definitely be saved! You are both willing to work on the marriage and that is all it takes.

Lildoggie had a very good question:
Have you both read about Emotional Needs (ENs) and completed the EN questionnaire?

I would also suggest reading about Love Busters (LBs) and completing that questionnaire.

Finally, you say you do your thing and he does his. I think it would help a lot if you and your H made a list of things you BOTH like doing, and begin spending at least 15 hours a week together doing those things. It doesn't have to be something big. Just sitting on the porch and talking or playing cards is fine. The important things are:
You both enjoy the activity
You are not focused on anything else (no TV, no children, etc.)

It is very difficult at first to find 15 hours of "free" time. And the time you spend together will be awkward in the beginning. But that will change. You will see.