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Joined: Jan 2009
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Well, I just want to say that Marriage Builders concepts seem to work... I moved my wife from indifference to conflict to intimacy... problem is, I couldn't move myself out of conflict.

I left my wife two weeks ago and the divorce is underway. I hurt her pretty bad. I stuck the knife in her back. I realize that I have some serious character flaws that I have to deal with.

I couldn't forgive. I couldn't get over the obsession I had with her and the OM. I couldn't get over the many months of her deceptions.

There were a couple of times when we were in recovery that I faced some serious triggers... one time I went out for a smoke break with her at work... we were just starting to talk when she saw and flagged down a male co-worker of hers and called him over. They proceded to talk over me like I wasn't even there. I know that sounds silly... but it was enough for me to start shutting down. Anyway.. I started to search my soul and realized that she would probably never get it.

I firmly believe that she saw her affair as less egregious as me being a neglectful husband in the past... I know both were wrong... but I just had to see some kind of deep remorse from her. It never really came.

So I had to end it.

All I can say is... the best way to get over the obsession is to find someone new for yourself.

If the dog dies... get a new one.

Of course, that didn't fly to well with HER, but the marriage is over and we can both move on now.

signing out... roybatty.


WH - 44
FWW - 50
Married - 2005
d-day - 12/4/2008
NC since 12/13/2008
Her d-day 4/22/2009
Divorcing.
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rb,

I can't say that I'm surprised. As a fellow BH, I KNOW how hard this stuff is to deal with, even with a VERY solid M pre-A. By your own descriptions, your M had a level of dysfunction pre-A, so its not surprising that you couldn't "get over it", because there just wasn't that much worth saving.

Here's to a "BETTER FUTURE" ...

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Originally Posted By: roybatty
All I can say is... the best way to get over the obsession is to find someone new for yourself.

If the dog dies... get a new one.

Of course, that didn't fly to well with HER, but the marriage is over and we can both move on now.


Originally Posted By: roybatty
Her d-day 4/22/2009

R.A.?


Me 34
WW 30
Abandoned Feb 17th 08, D-Day Aprl 27th 08.
Returned home Jul 7th, OC born 12/30/08
The FOG is clear, and we are in recovery.
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Originally Posted By: roybatty
All I can say is... the best way to get over the obsession is to find someone new for yourself.

If the dog dies... get a new one.

Of course, that didn't fly to well with HER, but the marriage is over and we can both move on now.

signing out... roybatty.


Sorry it's come to this rb. I know the hurt and pain a BS feels but I think you should take some time out to recover from the trauma of the last few months before you even consider beginning a new relationship. You cannot possibly be ready to move on at this early stage. It takes time to grieve.

You're not D'd yet so the dog isn't dead. I'll give you that it's probably terminally ill, but it's not dead yet and I don't think it's fair to the old dog to be testing out new ones, never mind that the old dog bit you on the bum. It's also terribly unfair to bring a new dog into such a situation. As a side-note, not too sure I really like the dog analogy.

I hope you're not seeing anyone yet. You could get hurt all over again. You're still fragile, no matter how angry and "done" you feel.

I wish you all the best in your personal recovery.


Me - BW
FWH - BB -(PA Jul 08 - Aug 08)
D-Day - 8 Aug 2008
Recovering nicely


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Originally Posted By: Gack1
R.A.?
Perhaps I am not being clear.

Per the quotes in post #3

It almost sounds like you engaged in a Retalitory Affair before you decided to divorce.

Is this accurate?


Me 34
WW 30
Abandoned Feb 17th 08, D-Day Aprl 27th 08.
Returned home Jul 7th, OC born 12/30/08
The FOG is clear, and we are in recovery.
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Quote:
we were just starting to talk when she saw and flagged down a male co-worker of hers and called him over. They proceded to talk over me like I wasn't even there. I know that sounds silly... but it was enough for me to start shutting down.


It soes NOT sound silly. Especially when one considers your timeline.

Very inconsiderate of her.

Last edited by Pepperband; 05/14/09 09:26 AM.
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Gack, FWIW I had the *exact* same thought.
And only four months post D-day.

"They" say you should wait six months after a major event before making any big decisions. I hate to see roybatty rushing into D and possibly due to his own A.

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I think Roy means divorce announcement when he says 'her d-day'.

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Originally Posted By: turtlehead
Gack, FWIW I had the *exact* same thought.
And only four months post D-day.

"They" say you should wait six months after a major event before making any big decisions. I hate to see roybatty rushing into D and possibly due to his own A.


I agree with you , however, I don't like to push any BS to stay in a M after adultery. I trust adults to know their limitations. But, like you said, the BS who rushes to D right away often regrets that decision a few years down the road, especially if there are kids involved and the WS was a decent spouse BEFORE the A.

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Originally Posted By: iam
I think Roy means divorce announcement when he says 'her d-day'.


Perhaps, but the following makes me think otherwise.
Originally Posted By: roybatty
All I can say is... the best way to get over the obsession is to find someone new for yourself.

If the dog dies... get a new one.

Of course, that didn't fly to well with HER, but the marriage is over and we can both move on now.

Last edited by Gack1; 05/14/09 10:51 AM.

Me 34
WW 30
Abandoned Feb 17th 08, D-Day Aprl 27th 08.
Returned home Jul 7th, OC born 12/30/08
The FOG is clear, and we are in recovery.
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I had my own affair. I had already made my mind up I was going to divorce her. I got out sooner than later... I knew this would end it for good.

I won't try to justify my actions in this forum. It's just the end to my story here.





WH - 44
FWW - 50
Married - 2005
d-day - 12/4/2008
NC since 12/13/2008
Her d-day 4/22/2009
Divorcing.
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Quote:
I had my own affair. I had already made my mind up I was going to divorce her.


Did I hear a fog horn?

Mark

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Is this a bit of flag-waving? Look at ME!


Originally Posted By: roybatty
I had my own affair. I had already made my mind up I was going to divorce her. I got out sooner than later... I knew this would end it for good.

I won't try to justify my actions in this forum. It's just the end to my story here.



Sad really.

You had a shot Roy.

Didn't realize it was going to be a self-inflicted one.

LG

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Originally Posted By: roybatty
I had my own affair.


You are an adulterer. Uncomfortable shoes to wear, but you chose to put them on. crazy

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Originally Posted By: roybatty
I had my own affair. I had already made my mind up I was going to divorce her. I got out sooner than later... I knew this would end it for good.

I won't try to justify my actions in this forum. It's just the end to my story here.



Well then, that just makes EVERYTHING hunky-dory. You're as messed up as your wife was/is. Write this down: you will regret this behavior in a few years.


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
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In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists. Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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Ouch, Roy.

You've "coped" with stress, pain, and deception by having an affair. It does not bode well for any future relationships you choose to enter into. Now you have to heal your betrayed heart plus figure out how to regain your integrity. Your path will be long, I fear. Best of luck to you.

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Wow Roy. You gave it all of ...... 4 months? When did your A actually start?

Clearly you did not believe anyone when they said it can take a loooooooong time for the WS fog to completely clear. You really did not give her enough time to conclude that what she had done was the worst of the worst. And you mention recovery but it does not sound as if you gave it enough time to start.

You certainly had the right to D after her A, but why couldn't you have just done THAT instead of taking the coward's way out by creating an exit affair? Very low. Does NOT bode well for your future. Or for your understanding of MB principles.

Forgive the DJ, but you sound very proud of yourself for having sucked your W back into intimacy and then twisting the knife in her back.

I am sad for both of you.


WH2LE

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FWH-54
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DS-30
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D-Day-05/31/2007
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Originally Posted By: roybatty
I had my own affair. I had already made my mind up I was going to divorce her. I got out sooner than later... I knew this would end it for good.

I won't try to justify my actions in this forum. It's just the end to my story here.





I don't condone the action but it's hard to blame the rape victim for striking back.

Good luck to you Roy.

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If this were a woman posting the same thing, would your answer be the same?


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
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In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists. Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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"If either one of us strays again... the marriage will be over. That's just the reality of things." - Roybatty January 19th, 2009


Sounds like it always was the back-up plan.


Testosterone boys! Testosterone! It aint just for nose, ear and back hair anymore!
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