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SHL,
We both know that going after him legally will not work. This on account of where you stay. If she is on your side it may. Sexual harassment. Consult another lawyer.
I ask you to read Jim deGriz on this forum - Bill Harley speaks out. You are making one of the classic mistakes that NEW BS's make at this forum viz. they do not expose. The consequences are even more traumatic than initial exposure.
You are undermining your position as a strong husband. Do not threaten her. Please read the section on lovebusters. Expose once to all that will help and walk straight into his office tell him that you are fighting for your wife. Too bad if there is a client in his office. The next step is a poster outside of his building.
Your wife will definitely take this as a lovebuster. Hey, a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do. But at least she will know that she is married to a man.
But I, being poor, have only my dreams; I have spread my dreams under your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams -Yeats
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"Man up."
Great quote.
Bears repeating.
Don't cower and wait for the affair to rekindle. Put your foot on it.
Nothing kills the A faster than good old fashioned exposure. To everyone. I did it. It works. H said he'd never forgive me. He forgave. He realized it was HIS fault, not mine.
Took a while, but it did happen.
Man up. Your family, even your wife, will thank you someday.
Me:BW, FWH 1DD 1DS
Status: Chronicled in Dr. Suess's "The Zax"
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As we often say around here:
Your marriage CAN withstand her anger at you.
It CANNOT withstand her f**king another man.
Got it?
Mulan
Me, BW
WH cheated in corporate workplace for many years. He moved out and filed in summer 2008.
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SHL,
Any ideas how I can get her to see him for the manipulative [censored] he really is? He is into 3somes and foes a fair amount of screwing around.
Since he is a major threat to your wifes health, expose him to his kids, you can find them in no time on facebook.
NJ
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OP
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The kids are too young to understand. lol
Finally seem to be heading in the right direction
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You're looking for reasons NOT to act. Now is not the time to play softball. Seriously.
How young are the kids? Toddler age? If they're past kindergarten, they're old enough to understand.
Me:BW, FWH 1DD 1DS
Status: Chronicled in Dr. Suess's "The Zax"
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Get off your hands, SHL. Tell her the job thing is over TODAY.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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I am a WW and I say - march your butt down there and tell her to pack her stuff and leave the office...now.
She flat can not work with this man. Every time she looks at him she will have a little thrill in her tummy - because she is still liking him.
To really be a former WS I think the thought of the OP must make you sick - the idea of running into them horrible. The fact that she can STAND to work for this scum bag that indangered her marriage and made her risk losing the man she loves PROVES she isnt out of the fog.
If she is DONE with the OP and wants to save the marriage she should want nothing to do with him or any behavior or activity associated with the affair...the urge to physically push him and everything she did away from her and scream NO _ HOW COULD I HAVE DONE THIS - should be there ...if she isnt made physically ILL by what she has done... She is not out of the fog.
Be her husband, her protector, her MAN and say - you are quiting this job and we will make the money side work.
A job should NEVER be more important than your spouse.
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As others have said, expose the A to all who could influence it, even your kids, and tell your wife that if the M is to survive, she must leave the job. Tell her this before you expose (DON'T threaten exposure if she doesn't though-that would tip your hand), and if she refuses to leave, drop the exposure bomb.
Yes, she'll be angry, and threaten to leave (among other things she'll say), but most exposed wayward spouses are furious and make all kinds of threats they NEVER follow through on. If your wife proves to be the exception, well, you were going to lose her anyway.
But I'm betting you won't-as long as you expose. If you don't, especially if she stays at that job, you almost certainly WILL lose her.
The Macnut-42, W - 45 3 stepkids,
SDD - 27, SDS1 - 22, SDS2 - 18
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What is your reasoning for allowing her to continue working with her lover? It must be a good one - please share with us why you want your WW to continue to have daily contact with POSOM.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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He is a lawyer and works for himself, so exposing him to his boss won't work. You have got to be kidding me. She's alone with him??!!
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I have just been found out that I have been reading her E-Mails between them.
I called the OM. He is furious that I have been going through his confidential E-Mails with his PA (personal assistant). They have a lot of client privileged info in them with the "private" stuff.
I spoke to my wife a few minutes after and she is also furious with me.
I am going to demand that she quit working for him this evening. What I won't tell her is that if she refuses, I will expose them both to all of their friends and family.
I have had enough of this crap. I am taking charge!
Finally seem to be heading in the right direction
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I am going to demand that she quit working for him this evening. What I won't tell her is that if she refuses, I will expose them both to all of their friends and family. Do both. Seriously. And NOW! What everyone here is telling you is right. You may be resisting believing this, thinking 'My WH is different - deep down she does love me and would never do this.' But we are certain that she is still sleeping with him. No way did that come to an end suddenly just because you said stop. Desperate problems require desperate measures! Don't dither now.
Courage is the most important of all the virtues, because without courage you can't practice any other virtue consistently. You can practice any virtue erratically, but nothing consistently without courage.
Maya Angelou
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Please follow the advice given here exactly, not some modified version of it. Exposure is something you should do first and regardless whether your wife will quit the job or not.
I didn't have an excellent source of help like MB when I was in similar situation. I would have saved myself from lot of pain if I had.
You have the chance to learn from other peoples mistakes, use it wisely.
Why did you call OM?
Me (FWH) 44
Mrs_Recon6mo (FWW) 42
Married 22 years
2 Children 20 and 22 years
Last D-Day for me: May 2009
Last D-Day for her: October 2008
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I called the OM. He is furious that I have been going through his confidential E-Mails with his PA (personal assistant). They have a lot of client privileged info in them with the "private" stuff. Of course they did. They are addicts, and you took away their "crack." I'm surprised you didn't get the "how can I trust you now" line from your WW.
Last edited by ImStaying; 10/30/09 04:11 AM.
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Please follow the advice given here exactly, not some modified version of it. Exposure is something you should do first and regardless whether your wife will quit the job or not.
I didn't have an excellent source of help like MB when I was in similar situation. I would have saved myself from lot of pain if I had.
You have the chance to learn from other peoples mistakes, use it wisely.
Why did you call OM? I called him partly to confront him and partly because he had sent an e-mail to my wife's address telling me to stop reading his e-mails. It could have been a trap to test if I was reading them, but I'm glad I confronted him.
Finally seem to be heading in the right direction
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I called the OM. He is furious that I have been going through his confidential E-Mails with his PA (personal assistant). They have a lot of client privileged info in them with the "private" stuff. Of course they did. They are addicts, and you took away their "crack." I'm surprised you didn't get the "how can I trust you now" line from your WW. Lol, Oh I got that line and a whole lot more, like how dare I, and she thought things were going so well. I can't wait till she gets home so we can have a chat about it face to face. She should be home any minute now after picking the kids up from school.
Finally seem to be heading in the right direction
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Did you know Dr. Harley describes exposure as marking the beginning of recovery? I don't think you have a shot here of your WW leaving the job if you don't expose this. Here's a good description of exposure from MelodyLane that I just posted to someone else and it seemed to help convince him so I thought I would post it to you. (Very important, when you decide you won't enable the A any longer and you want to expose, just make sure not to threaten or warn your WW or OM that you will be doing this.) Let me explain why I am suggesting exposure. Affairs thrive on secrecy. Exposing an affair is like turning on the lights in a crack house and bringing in a crowd to watch the crack heads. It ruins the high. Exposure is like CHEMOTHERAPY TO CANCER and ruins the fantasy aspect to the affair.
When your wife is forced to look at the disgust in the face of others, she will begin to see herself through the eyes of others.
Good exposure targets would be her parents, her siblings, your parents, close friends, the OM's parents, his children. When you expose to your family members, you will tell them you are trying to save your marriage, tell them all about the affair and ASK FOR THEIR ADVICE. When you ask for their advice, they are more likely to want to help you. It is very helpful when they speak to your wife about it.
Your children should be told of the affair FIRST.
Exposure is best done in ONE FELL SWOOP to get the maximum effect. It also prevents the affairees from pre-empting you.
I want to APPLAUD you for confronting the OM. I would suggest you do this every time he contacts your wife. Make as much trouble in his life as possible. He is a coward and a weiner who wont like havng to face his victim. He doesn't care about your wife and won't like the trouble. [/quote] http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=151933&Number=2094738#Post2094738
Last edited by SusieQ; 10/30/09 06:25 AM.
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I called the OM. He is furious that I have been going through his confidential E-Mails with his PA (personal assistant). They have a lot of client privileged info in them with the "private" stuff. Of course they did. They are addicts, and you took away their "crack." I'm surprised you didn't get the "how can I trust you now" line from your WW. Lol, Oh I got that line and a whole lot more, like how dare I, and she thought things were going so well. I can't wait till she gets home so we can have a chat about it face to face. She should be home any minute now after picking the kids up from school. Just be prepared, she will be trying to gaslight you!
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Exposure is done not as a punishment. It is not withheld to try to beat the wayward into submission. The exposure HELPS the waywards change their wayward ways. It makes them ACCOUNTABLE for the consequences of their actions.
So far, what have been the CONSEQUENCES for your wife's affair? NONE.
So you peeked at her email.
WOE IS ME!~ What a consequence.
Seriously.
Exposure MUST be done, regardless of whether she's there working. Trust me, I learned it the hard way. First DDay, I didn't expose. A year later, same situation. I exposed to EVERYONE. Guess what? The A ended that day.
Me:BW, FWH 1DD 1DS
Status: Chronicled in Dr. Suess's "The Zax"
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